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Internet Oracularities #172

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172, 172-01, 172-02, 172-03, 172-04, 172-05, 172-06, 172-07, 172-08, 172-09, 172-10


Usenet Oracularities #172    (10 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 25 Jun 90 15:38:48 -0500

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172   10 votes 12700 23410 10342 11323 12142 11431 15040 16102 22222 12520
172   3.0 mean  2.6   2.4   3.6   3.5   3.4   3.2   2.7   2.6   3.0   2.8


172-01    (12700 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most fragrant, whose knowledge is so incredibly great that you
> even understand women, please please answer this question:
> Why is it that most prejudices about women seem to state the exact
> opposite of the real situation?  I mean, in my experience talk less than
> men (at least in mixed company - I obviously have no experience with
> all-female groups), they are far more practically minded, they show more
> physical courage and so on.
> True, as for their attitude on sex I'm not so sure: they do seem to pick
> their mates rather according to social status and the size of their
> income, rather than good looks, which is according to the going
> prejudice but on the other hand fits in nicely with a supposedly more
> practical mind (which goes to show that at least one of the prejudices
> must be wrong).  And it may be that they are less interested in sex than
> men, but I'm not too sure about that either.  Maybe they're just not
> interested in sex with *me*.
> Please explain all this to me, dear Oracle, for I'm very puzzled.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has been female as well as male, and can answer your
} question.  Women do in fact gossip more than men do in groups ot one
} sex, but not much more.  Gossip is a _human_ trait, not specifically a
} female one.
}
} Whence the stereotypes?  The Oracle thinks that it's envy and wishful
} thinking on the part of men, which, until modern feminists so foolishly
} gave the game away, women humored and allowed to remain untouched.
} Women are much more practical than men.  Because they are usually
} smaller and have much less physical strength than men (testosterone sure
} makes for powerful muscles), the practical women of years past let the
} men do all the heavy, dull, and over-specialized work.  Therefore men
} ended up doing most of the heavy labor, almost all the fighting, almost
} all the governing and plotting.  Meanwhile, crafty women manipulated
} everything behind the scenes, and _generalized_.  A "housewife" is
} teacher, nurse, cook, artist, designer, business manager (often), and so
} on; a "working man" spends 40 hours or more every week doing the same
} dull, plodding, repetitive work.
}
} "But women need EMPOWERMENT!" cry the feminists.  Stupid, ignorant,
} unobservant fools.  Any woman worthy of the name has at least her
} husband completely under her thumb, and utter control of her household,
} not to mention the first shot at molding the minds and characters of her
} children.  That's near-complete power over at least one other person,
} and possibly a dozen.  How many average men can aspire to that?
}
} "But women are OPPRESSED and DEPRIVED of OPPORTUNITIES to REALIZE their
} INTELLECTUAL POTENTIALS!" cry the feminists again.  Yeah, used to be
} that way...still is, to a degree.  But what's happening now is a great
} decrease in the average woman's authority and influence, just so that a
} few high- flyers can lower themselves to the status of men.  Ever
} noticed how utterly terrifying and perfectionistic most women become
} when they learn to excel in what's traditionally a man's job?  Female
} doctors and scientists are usually monomaniacal, equipped with the
} killer instinct, and veru competent but utterly nasty professionally.
} They are unholy terrors, channeling all of their generalist talents into
} one narrow field, trying to crush their eclectic female natures into a
} narrow masculinity.
}
} Anyhow, women have longer lives, better health, fewer genetic diseases
} (2 X chromosomes, remember), innate practicality, and a talent for the
} general rather than the specific.  Apart from (arguably) the last of
} these, and physical strength, they are superior to men.


172-02    (23410 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the Great Sheep truly going to come for me, as was promised by
> Burpendicula the Prophet long ages ago?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can it be?!?!?!  Yes it is!  The last believer of the Great Sheep
} religion.  I thought I had exterminated all of them.  Well, I can fix
} that.
} First I'll get 'em scared.
} [Rumble of thunder]
} Then impress 'em with a light show.
} [lightning flashes]
} Now the good stuff!
} [Constant sound of shelling, gun fire, exploding bombs, followed by a
}  single ear shattering sound of an atomic bomb]
} That takes care of him!
} Next question.


172-03    (10342 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose praises are chanted by dolts, please answer me a
> question:
>
> What does the SE in Mac SE stand for?
>
> We have worked out that
> (1) the '+' in 'Mac +' comes from "+ (-1) disk drive" and
> (2) 'Mac' stands for "Machine Always Crashes"
>
> But is it true that 'SE' stands for "System Error"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} Close, but no.
}
} Mac stands for Macintosh:  a piece of fruit that's fresh and shiney the
} day you take it home, but which immediately begins to rot in open air,
} turning to a brown gooey mass covered in fungus, flies, and manuals.
}
} The '+' stands for 'plus whatever-else-you-need-to-run-it,' which can
} include such Apple peripherals as a keyboard, CPU, screen, and if you're
} lucky, even a mouse (all cost you extra, of course).
}
} Now, the 'SE,' although 'System Error' is a very compatable responce,
} stands for 'Super Expensive,' which, if you go down to your local Apple
} dealer, will be immediately apparent upon your viewing of the basic list
} price.
}
} I might also add that the Mac II name is representative of it being
} twice as expensive as any other Mac; the 'x' in the Mac IIx stands for
} 'extremely' expensive, and so on.
}
} You owe the Oracle Steve Jobs' head on a 3 1/2" diskette.


172-04    (11323 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would you do if your name were Gomez?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not another "Gomez" question.  Alas, give the masses access to the
} timeless wisdom of omnipotence and do they ask how to turn lead into
} gold?  or how to feed the hungry?  or how to live a more fulfilling
} life?  nay, they ask what we would do if we were named Gomez.  How
} poetic.
}
} But such is the fate of an oracle.  Along with knowing all comes the
} horrifying realization that the universe is comprised of .00000001%
} mass, .000000001% space, and 99.99999999999% stupidity.
}
} In protest, we reluctantly answer your question:
}
}       1) I would change my driver's license, bank accounts, forms
}          of ID, and all legal papers to reflect this name "Gomez"
}       2) I would no longer answer when addressed, as I usually am,
}          "Oh magnificent ORACLE, Boon of mankind", but would
}          crane my neck whenever the address "yo Gomez" is overheard.
}       3) I would change the Usenet software to read Usenet Gomez
}          and occasionally post Usenet Gomezularities on rec.humor.
}       4) Change my name to Auzvauhd.


172-05    (12142 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who could ask for anything more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ongo-Bagoonda, Hyper-Ape of the Belgian Congo, asked for, in addition,
} the following items:
}
} 1. The diamond banana held in the left hand of the statue of the great
}    god Oolbob, in the temple of the Extremely Dismal Miasma, which is
}    guarded by fourty thousand drug-crazed millionaires, hidden somewhere
}    in the heart of darkest Richmond, Va.
}
} 2. A Cray VI/51 XMUMP PIGWASH computer, capable of calculating the
}    distance from the Earth to the navel of the great god Groonpoo in
}    less than 1.41 nanoseconds.
}
} 3. You.  Boiled in a delicate cilantro-eggplant sauce, garnished with
}    petites pois en beurre-blanc and pommes de terre Duchesse.
}
} 4. A monumental compendium of recent research on the topic of
}    stress-resistant paperweights and maraschino cherries.
}
} 5. The horrible mask of the dread god Cthulhu, which it is death to
}    behold, which he left behind in his hotel room on his last trip to
}    Disneyland.
}
} 6. One (1) amusement park for unused spermatozooa.
}
} 7. One (1) "Fry-as-you-die" combination sandwich-grill and suicide
}    machine, as advertised on national television by complete and utter
}    maniacs.
}
} 8. Three (3) identical yet unique feathers from the Mong-Mong bird,
}    which is completely featherless and furthermore subsists on a diet
}    of beets and eggplant, and therefore will kill any loveworthy human
}    being (or lemur) who approaches it.
}
} You owe the Oracle:
}
} 1. A ticket to St. Louis and back which will give me enough time to
}    render both my lover and myself completely stiff and exhausted, but
}    still leave us enough time to have complete lives.
}
} 2. The head of Nicolai Ivanovich Lobachevski, on an exquisitely-glazed
}    porcelain platter made in the Han Dynasty by imported Norwegian
}    goldfish.
}
} 3. A sixteen-foot-long boa constrictor.
}
} 4. Pope John Igor II's latest book, "My Favorite Blasphemies."
}
} 5. The device which Dan Quayle's advisors use to simulate intelligence
}    in his public appearances.  The Boracle has been acting up again, and
}    it's time to lobotimize it.


172-06    (11431 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how come I'm just so much better at guitar than paul?  Is it because
> he's cursed with the mopfro?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Paul, despite his flaws, has the soul of a true artist.  He also has the
} heart of a young child, the phallus of a superb lover, the breasts of a
} sex queen, and the spleen of an honest politician.  They are preserved
} in formaldehyde and kept in jars inside of his guitar.  They do horrible
} things to its acoustics.  This is why he sounds so bad.
}
} The mopfro has nothing to do with it.
}
} The Oracle has oracoralocred.  You owe the Oracle sixteen newt eyes.


172-07    (15040 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         (There is a (man) holding a ((gun) to my head) and (forcing (me)
> to actually do ((work) during company time)).  (I've (tricked him) right
> now)( I told him (I'm) (programming in LISP)).  (Who (is this(man)))??.
> ((Help) me quickly, (I) think (he's) catching on...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (He is (just ((your conscience) who (is (troubling you (because (you
} do ((not work) during (company time)))))))))
}
} You should try to get back to work, and he will disappear.
}
} You owe the Oracle an English to Lithp tranthlator.


172-08    (16102 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm not good at reading lips, what did Geogre say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not so great at reading lips myself, but here's what I read:
}
} "Behold!  I am the Supreme Ruler of all wombats.  Even the mighty Poodle
} of Neptune, whose every passing whim becomes reality, must bow down and
} worship me.  The secrets of the universe are as an open book unto me;
} yea, I know the recipe for Coca-Cola and the combination to your gym
} locker, and if you vote for me not, I shall reveal unto the world just
} what you did with Biffy and Muffy and poor little Barker-Spot."


172-09    (22222 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, on the net,
> Who is the woman the most wet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nerdy hacker, small of brain,
} She's the one out in the rain!


172-10    (12520 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best cure for depression?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} that's an easy one!
}
} 1. Never eat anything but ramen noodles.
} 2. Go to sleep five hours after your bedtime every night.  Sleep three
}    hours less than you need to.
} 3. Redecorate your apartment with dripping purple wallpaper and phallic
}    fungi in the corners.
} 4. Date lots of slimy people.  When they piss you off, try to get your
}    real lover to comfort you without getting him pissed at you for
}    dating other people.
} 5. Grab that nasty poodle which barks at all hours of the day and night
}    from nextdoor, and make it into poodle spaghetti sauce.
} 6. Reread _the Lord of the Rings_, looking for ripoffs from the Elder
}    Edda and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
} 7. Join the New Reformed First and To Date Only Church of Our Lady of
}    Perpetual Motion.
} 8. Re-learn integral calculus.  Set the major theorems to music.
} 9. Hack your system's newsreader so that it prints all periods at the
}    end of sentences as exclamation points!  Or, better yet, so that it
}    turns them that way on outgoing messages, but leaves them unchanged
}    inside!
}
} You owe the Oracle a happy life for yourself -- the Oracle really gets
} off on other people being happy.  But you also owe the Oracle a video of
} yourself being happy, and and a big-screen VCR and a bottle of cheap
} vodka, so that the oracle can watch the videotape and play with itself.


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