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Internet Oracularities #173

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173, 173-01, 173-02, 173-03, 173-04, 173-05, 173-06, 173-07, 173-08, 173-09, 173-10


Usenet Oracularities #173    (9 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 27 Jun 90 16:06:37 -0500

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173    9 votes 30411 23211 03321 02250 22311 32121 34020 12330 22023 42120
173   2.7 mean  2.7   2.6   3.1   3.3   2.7   2.6   2.1   2.9   3.2   2.1


173-01    (30411 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O is for the many things you've told me,
>       R is for the happiness you bring,
>       A is for your writing style so splendid,
>       C is for the songs you love to sing,
>       L is for your knowledge and good senses,
>       E is for your stature oh so tall,
>       Put them all together and they spell ORACLE,
>       The greatest net.being of them all!
>
>       Okay, now how much do I get paid for that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} T is for owl tripes encased in lung jelly
} H is for horse shit, quite old and quite smelly
} E for three elephants, with five legs all told
} S for a new set of teeth made of gold,
} E is an eggplant all covered in green mold
}
} V is my virginity, a wee bit soiled and tattered
} E's a plate of eels and shrimp, both lightly fried and battered
} R is a rocket to send you to Venus
} S is a shiny shellacked pseudo-penis
} E is an eagle to shit on your shoulder
} S is a sex slave, for when you get older.


173-02    (23211 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many rods must a woman stroke down
> Before she can keep her a man?
> Yes, and how many times must she teach him to sail
> Before they can hump in the sand?
> Yes, and how many times can she unzip his fly
> Before she's forever banned?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Knight of Rods must a woman stroke down,
} Before she can keep her a man.
} The Two of Cups must she teach him to sail,
} Before they can hump in the sand.
} The Nine of Swords, as she unzips his fly,
} Will leave her forever banned,
} But the Queen of the Pentacles, clad in the sky:
} That is the fate that is planned.


173-03    (03321 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and wonderful Oracle, whose breath defies description,
> whose words of wisdom, if collected and written down would most
> assuredly would fill at least a post card, please answer my humble
> query:
>       Why can't I get a date with the cute girl at the next
> terminal?  I ask her every day, but she still says no.  I've even
> killed her former boyfriend, but she still won't consent.  What should
> I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are some possibly helpful suggestions.
}
} 1. Get rid of your own boyfriends, at least the ones wearing studded-
}    leather choke collars and whips in their belts who come and flog you
}    for fun right there in the terminal room.
}
} 2. [This has been deleted on the grounds of obscenity.]
}
} 3. Make sure that your tongue is in your mouth and your penis inside
}    your pants the next time she sees you.  Last time it was kind of the
}    other way around.
}
} 4. Take the octopus off your head.
}
} 5. That tie has got to go to.  *nothing* with exposed penises on it will
}    do at this stage of the chase.  Contrary to popular opinion, that
}    particular organ does not drive women crazy with desire merely by
}    sight.
}
} 6. While you're at it, you'd best lose about seven hundred pounds.
}    Right now, the most lustful thought she's likely to think about you
}    is that you'd crush her if you were on top.
}
} 7. Wear a rubber.  All the time.
}
} You owe the Oracle the text of way #2.  I didn't get to see it before
} Kinzler deleted it.


173-04    (02250 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, how would you like it if someone came up to you and called you a
> pornographer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Under the circumstances it would not worry me unduly:  As a cursory
} glance at oracularities will tell you, I am a pornographer.  I also
} would not object to being called a pimp, as I think my dealings with
} Lisa could be fairly construed in this manner.
}
} *****WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING ******
}
}       *********FEMINISM DETECTED IN SYSTEM***********
}
} THE ORACLE PROGRAM HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH A FEMINIST VIRUS.  THIS
} SERVICE WILL SHUT UNTIL VIRUS CAN BE NEUTRALISED.
}
} Do not attempt to contact the Oracle for a period of 7 days unless
} you want your sexual politics liberated.
}
} **SHUTTING DOWN IUVAX**
}
} Disconnected, drop in control signal


173-05    (22311 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and wonderful Oracle, whose praises are too numerous to state ...
> actually, that's not strictly true, 'cause I can't actually think of any
> at the moment ...
>
> Is Henry Cate III a daemon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay.  I admit it.  You don't have to badger me.
}
} THE ORACLE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WRITING A "DIGESTIFY" MACRO THAT POSTS
} FREQUENTLY TO REC.HUMOR!!!
}
} H - Handy
} e - Electronic
} n - Null-terminating
} r - Recursive
} Y - Yell-reducing
}
} C - Coded
} a - Automatic
} t - Telecommunications
} e - Editor
}
} III - Version 3
}
} You owe the oracle all the jokes you have with the word "snail" in them.


173-06    (32121 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you like green eggs and ham?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do not like them, Sam I Am!
} I do not like them in a boat
} I do not like them down my throat
} I do not like them in a car
} I do not like them in a bar
} I do not like them thrown at me
} I do not like them served with pee
} I do not like them on the grass
} I do not like them up my ass
} I do not like them on a train
} I do not like them down the drain
} I do not like them in a store
} I do not like them with a whore
} I do not like them highly spiced
} I do not like them etherized
} I do not like them in a sack
} I do not like them on the rack
} I do not like them with hard knocks
} I do not like them with these shocks
} I do not like them on an axe
} I do not laaaaarr/
}
} You owe the Oracle a new head.


173-07    (34020 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the person who just types stuff like "alsdf" as the Oracle's
> response, and what can we do about him/her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to assume that such a person is an idiot.  The only way to deal
} with such an idiot is to wait for their stupidity to do give you a clue
} as to their identity.  This will probably happen by them accidentaly
} leaving their signature on one of their replies, or accidentaly leaving
} a name, or something of that sort.  When this happens, it's time to get
} even on these jerks.  Go to a NeXT computer that supports voice mail.
} (Meaning one with a microphone attached) Create a message that is as
} close to 100K as you can get without going over.  Then, send the idiot
} 300 coppies of the message.  It will take the moron for ever to boot up
} his/her mail program.  When they do, they will have 300 messages of
} garbage.  Note that it is very important that your messages don't get
} over 100K, because then they will bounce back in your face, and you
} could get to yourself what you sent to him.
} So good luck.
} Let's shut this bastard down!!!!


173-08    (12330 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a frend who is becoming Scottish.  Can I cure him with bismuth
> tablets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yes, but there are easier methods.  Just a second, let me look
} through these Big Dusty Tomes of Arcane Knowledge...
}
} [insert sound of sixteen million pages flipping rapidly]
}
} AHA!
}
}    A Curre for the Afflictionne of The Scot in Men
}
}   1) Place the afflicted person on a short stool which is painted red.
}   2) Go get your tape player.
}   3) Play every song Sheena Easton has ever recorded at full volume
}      directly into his left ear.  Simultaneously, play "sound bites"
}      of Scotty (the misogynist from Star Trek) at full volume into
}      his right ear.
}   4) Step three should take several hours.  While this is going on,
}      make (or mail-order) five hundred clones of Jackie Stewart
}      (that annoying little twerp who color-commentaries ABC's auto
}      races).
}   5) The subject's aural capacity should be burnt out by now, so
}      order the clones to all speak at once (while naked and in front
}      of the subject) "Wha, therrs a carr wi' los uv pahwer."
}   6) Now execute the clones with bagpipes stuffed with explosives.
}   7) Point out just how UGLY those kilts are.
}   8) Lastly, pound the subject over the head with a halberd until he
}      is unconcious.  WHen he wakes up, he'll be cured of his Scottish-
}      ness.
}
} Quite simple, no?  And none of the awful side effects of bismuth
} tablets.
}
} You owe the Oracle a GIF format picture of Sheena Easton without her red
} dress.


173-09    (22023 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh vast and mighty Oraclular god-being, with whom I will never again
> fuck, I wish to express my deep apologies for not addressing you with
> due respect in my last question.  I'm am extremely sorry, genuinely
> remorseful, and filled with shame.  I truly regret my behavior and wish
> only to convey my honest wish that you might find it in your heart to
> forgive me.
>
> That said, oh mighty one, I must ask:  inappropriate as my mode of
> address was, do you really feel it was necessary to send eight women to
> flay off my genitalia with red-hot acid-drenched pokers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there are many senses of necessary.  It was not, for example,
} necessary in the philosophical sense of "inconceivable to be otherwise";
} I could have, and almost did, send fifteen squirrels to bite them off,
} or perhaps I could have chosen a different punishment entirely, such as
} causing your hair to secret a caustic acid.
}
} Neither was it necessary to maintain geopolitical stability.  For this
} purpose, a mere flogging at the hand of Igor Ligachev would have
} sufficed.  It was also not necessary (or sufficient) for the continued
} survival of humanity, which I have pretty much given up on.  Finally, it
} was in no way necessary to allow me to sleep at night; I have Lisa for
} that.
}
} However, we don't want the sun to go nova, do we?  Not even a little
} teeny solar flare to wipe out all life on earth, eh?  So don't complain
} about your genatalia and the red-hot pokers, boy.  Just be glad you're
} still alive.  That sun can be mean sometimes.
}
} The oracle has covered its ass.  You owe the Oracle a new roll of toilet
} paper (to be delivered *before* the oracle had covered its ass and
} gotten the ass-cover all gross.)


173-10    (42120 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What's the diff. between a wekk and a week?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A wekk is a wok full of wicks and of wax
} A week is a geek with his Bics and his backs!
}
} A wekk likes to swim in the watery see,
} But a week has to find a potty to wee!
}
} A wekk, like a wombat, wears a wide shell;
} A week whines that combat is so much like a hell!
}
} A wekk has a waddle, a waiter, a wine;
} A week has a bottle of bubbling brine!


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