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Internet Oracularities #174

Goto:
174, 174-01, 174-02, 174-03, 174-04, 174-05, 174-06, 174-07, 174-08, 174-09, 174-10


Usenet Oracularities #174    (7 votes, 2.6 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 30 Jun 90 13:01:33 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

174    7 votes 32101 11122 23110 21202 12130 23110 11311 02410 12301 22300
174   2.6 mean  2.1   3.4   2.1   2.9   2.9   2.1   3.0   2.9   2.7   2.1


174-01    (32101 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dude,
> Like I see this chick, and say "Yo Baby Yo Baby Yo", dig?
> and she say, "Hey man, git!"
> So I go "Foxy lady, don't hold your nose so high, it might block the
> sun"
> She pops me one for saying dat.
> What do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You defloccularize the prasadules, co-incline beyond the fung, and dreg
} like blazes!  You gotta get out of there, man, before the doom poodle
} bites you!


174-02    (11122 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was Johnny Nash really a reggae artist, or simply a pretender?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither, actually.  He was a dentist.  The story of how he came to
} be a famous the world over as a reggae singer, when in reality he'd
} never even heard of reggae (though he had caught part of a ska song
} once while flipping past radio stations in his car, looking for the
} all-news station), much less performed any songs, is quite a remarkable
} one.  It all started one day several years ago....
}
}         < blur fade squiggle blur >
}
} [The scene is a dentist's office.  A teenaged girl is lying in the
} chair, having a cavity drilled.  Dr. Nash is using nitrous oxide as an
} anaesthetic.]
}
} Dr. Nash:  We'll be done with this in a minute, and then we can get
}            the filling in.  You feeling okay?
} Girl:      AaAAGHh Wirrngh.
} Dr. Nash:  Good.
}
} [Meanwhile, inside the girl's head...]
}
} Dr. Nash:  Excuse me while I remove the sunlight from your veins.  I'm
}            Bob Marley, you know.  Tweet!  Meow!
} Girl:      Bob Marley!  You aren't dead!  I'm your biggest fan, you make
}            my teeth dance and sing!
} Dr. Nash:  I know.  Hold still, I'm going to bring peace to the world
}            and bleed dynamite.
} Girl:      Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!
} Dr. Nash:  [Begins tapdancing on instrument tray.]
}
} [Back in the real world, sometime later, the girl is talking with her
} friend.]
}
} Girl:      So, I was on nitrous, and it was like Johnny Nash was Bob
}            Marley!
} Friend 1:  Groovy.
}
} [Later still, the friend is talking to another friend...]
}
} Friend 1:  So she said that Johnny Nash was Bob Marley.  Cool, huh?
} Friend 2:  Wow.
}
} [Still later, the second friend is talking to a third friend...]
}
} Friend 2:  Johnny Nash is Bob Marley or Jimmy Cliff or somebody like
}            that.
} Friend 3:  I've heard of them.  They're reggae stars or something,
}            right?
} Friend 2:  Yeah.  I think so.
}
}         < blur squiggle fade blur >
}
} So you can see where this all led.  Pretty soon it was all over town
} that Dr.  Johnny Nash was an incognito reggae star.  His clientele
} changed; lots of people with weird stringy hairdos and colorful caps
} came into his office and offered him "ganja".  He was invited to perform
} at benefit concerts; he always politely refused, noting that he was a
} dentist and not a performer, but the invitations kept coming.
}
} Eventually, he became extremely depressed and committed suicide by
} overdosing himself with novacaine.  Just shows you what terrible things
} rumors can be.


174-03    (23110 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that there are a pair of lovers secretly communicating via
> the Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no, Harold, we've been found out, what do we do now?
}
} I don't know, Andrew.   Quick, let's hide in the closet...together.


174-04    (21202 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For that matter, *is* bondage weird and gross and unnatural, or just
> disgusting and sexy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bondage is weird and sexy. I love it.
} I have,in fact, composed a song about it.
} _Ode to Bondage_
}
} If I had a silk scarf
} I'd tie you in the morning
} I'd tie you in the evening
} All over this land
} I'd tie you to bedposts
} I'd tie you to meat hooks
} I'd tie you for love between my mother and my sister
} All over this land
}
} If I had a ball gag
} I'd gag you in the morning
} I'd gag you in the evening
} All over this land
} I'd gag you in the bathtub
} I'd gag you in the toilet
} I'd gag you for love between my mother and my sister
} All over this land
}
} If I had a padlock
} I'd lock you in the morning
} I'd lock you in the evening
} All over this land
} I'd lock you to the bookcase
} I'd lock you to the waterbed
} I'd lock you for love between my mother and my sister
} All over this land
}
} Well, I've got a silk scarf
} And I've got a gag
} And I've got a lock-and-chain
} All over this land
} It's the scarf of freedom
} It's the gag of justice
} It's the lock of hair between my mother and my sister
} All over this land!
} -------
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest Posey catalog.


174-05    (12130 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are people such prudes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I dunno, it annoys me too!  You want to tell your buddies
} and fellow bus-passengers how you humped a monkey the other
} night and suddenly they're all red and angry and looking
} the other way.  At my birthday, it was me, two llamas,
} Marla Maples, a trampoline and a snorkel, and god-damn if
} I could keep my mother on the phone the next day!  Hey, I
} like what I like -- and if I want to put Rice Krispies up
} my butt, well then I can.  They're MY Krispies and it's MY butt
} and if I HAPPEN to have the ability to suck milk into my
} rectum then that SNAP, CRACKLE, POPPING in my large
} intestine is MY god-given right.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cereal spoon.  A really COLD one.


174-06    (23110 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I plan to stay up all night writing on my thesis, or should I
> try to get a few hours of sleep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...I think, given the con?%?$$??$%
}                                  8**&^^%^%
}                                         &**___
} Oracle: internal error #65412326 at 0xff76898abe2ef298fe10: SIQBORED
} caught.
}
} >> What??  Who said that?  Where?  Oh my God (if he exists; let's not
} >> get into a religious debate, should we?)!
}
} Oracle: emergency recovery procedure taking place
} Core dumped.  Damn!  Let's try again...
}
} Oracle: emergency recovery procedure taking place
} Aborting!
}
} Sinking ship... glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug drown
} Rebooting Oracle...
} Oracle Release 987621.4.5.567.1.2: Mon Jan 1 00:00:00 BOT 0 (Beginning
} of Time)
} Copyright (c) 0 by God (who may or may not exist), Inc.
} mem = infinite
} avail mem = just a smidgen less
} local daemons: satand.
} preserving editorial files
} clearing /the/shelves
} standard daemons: askmed tellmed gremlind.
} Oracle ready to answer questions.
} ==
} I think, given the context, that the purple spotted aardvark is almost
} certainly a better buy than the pink striped nose vole.  In the epic
} work by Fred Sminkleman, "Aardvarks:  a misunderstood nasal cleanser?",
} we find in volume 23, chapter 378, page 27563 the legendary quote:
}
}     "Many times have I been asked questions about whether to write
}      more on a thesis or whether to go to bed.  Given the discussion
}      in the previous volumes, I think that the only sensible answer is
}      to point out that the purple spotted aardvark is almost certainly
}      a better buy than the pink striped nose vole.  Any other conclusion
}      is obviously both infeasible, and also downright stupid."
}
} If you have a spare 62 years, I heartily recommend the reading of the
} full five thousand volumes; I can't remember offhand, but I think the
} book may now be out of print.  Check with a local book store for
} availability.


174-07    (11311 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I should meet a girl who claims she is a particular net.goddess,
> how can I be sure she is telling the truth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Any unix guru will tell you to finger her.
}
} You owe the oracle a daemon to answer his phone calls.


174-08    (02410 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are people apparently more concerned about a symbol of America
> (ie, the Flag) rather than what is actually of value in America
> (ie, rights, freedoms, quality of life)?
>
> Thanks O Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Citizen 256-57-8653 has developed a malfunction!
}
} You ought to be ashamed of yourself questioning Big Sibling!
} Rights are irrelevant.  Freedom is irrelevant.  Life is irrelevant.
} To reward your intellectual curiosity some gentlemen will show
} up at your house in 45 seconds to escort you to a Vogon Poetry
} Appreciation Class.  If you survive this, you shall be granted
} a session with the net.demonness for additional reeducation.
}
} You owe the Oracle your free will.


174-09    (12301 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this a question sufficiently difficult that you cannot answer it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you blasphemous fool!!  How dare you taunt the great and mighty
} Oracle!  May your programs all core dump.  May your Word Perfect eat
} your thesis.  May all your articles get flamed.  May Xibo like you.  May
} your every last file become corrupted by the change in the magnetic
} force whenever your favorite underwire bra comes near your disks.  May
} you rot like the insolent pond scum bacteria you are.  What was the
} question again?


174-10    (22300 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So how are you sure you're not my brother?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sure I'm not your sister,
} Cause I'm in New Haven, mister,
} And I'm sure I'm not your granny,
} 'Cause I really have a knife;
} I'm sure I'm not your brother,
} 'Cause I've got a long-haired lover,
} But you go and ask yer father,
} And I'm sure he;ll set you right


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