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Internet Oracularities #176

Goto:
176, 176-01, 176-02, 176-03, 176-04, 176-05, 176-06, 176-07, 176-08, 176-09, 176-10


Usenet Oracularities #176    (4 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 6 Jul 90 13:14:46 -0500

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ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

176    4 votes 10111 00103 10012 30100 01300 03001 00310 01021 12100 11200
176   3.0 mean  3.2   4.5   3.8   1.5   2.8   2.8   3.2   3.8   2.0   2.2


176-01    (10111 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh clever Oracle, who's coffee breaks are long and leisurely, but
> who's attendance record is exemplary, please answer this question:
>
> I'm going to have an employee review meeting with my boss tomorrow,
> and she asked each of us to think about what our strengths and
> weaknesses are.  Since you are omniscient, you know even better than I
> do what my characteristics are.  What should I tell her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK.  Here's the plan:
} 1. Start with a bang.  That'll get her attention.
} 2. Discount your small problems, then list trying to overcome them as a
} strength.
} 3. Give her your large weaknesses, so that she begins to doubt you.
} 4.  Smash her brain with cleverness and depthness she didn't even think
} you had.
}
} Here we go.  Of course, these are only suggestions.  The Oracle, in
} regulation with the Oracluar union, local 57, galaxy 31, takes no
} responsiblility for your life if you follow the advice given.
}
} Strengths:
} I'm great in bed.
} I am very powerful in the neighborhood and I can make every man within
} 50 miles bow down to you and succumb to your will.
} I can hypnotize people (yes of course these are lies.  If they were
} true, you wouldn't have to go through this stupid review.)
} Every now and then I visit my friends in China.  Last time I was there,
} I convinced them that Tiennamen Sqauare would be a great place for a
} really big party.  I haven't been in a while because I can't get my visa
} cleared.
} I know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.  Don't ask, you wouldn't like the
} answer.  I know where you live.
}
} Okay.  So far so good.  She's smiling, 'cause she's a little scared of
} you know.  This is the thing do do.  You were scared before, remember?
} Remember how you hated it?  That's what she's feeling now.  Make her
} feel better with a few weaknesses.
}
} Weaknesses:
} I'm dyslexic
} I'm the 10th child in a family of 57, and my parents always hated me the
} most.
} I cheated my way through high school, so I need more money for GED
} classes.  I'm married, but only because of the baby.  When he grows up,
} I'll get a divorce.
} Sure I had that one suicide attempt, but I was very careful to do it on
} my break.
} I'm going through a transitional stage of my life, and my phsychiatrist
} says I'll only be a couple more months before I've recovered.
}
} She's feeling much better now, but also a little sorry.  Go for tears.
} Mani- pulate the bitch as much as possible.  Start laying it thick.
}
} I'm sorry about killing my co-worker, but he really needed a change of
} pace.
} I'm addicted to crack.  If you'd like some, my stash is in the back of
} your top-left drawer.
} I gamble a lot, but I don't think the loan sharks know where I work.
}
} You might even think about putting some truths in this section.  They're
} not any worse than the lies you're already telling.  OK.  Now give her
} something that she will love.
}
} I'll need some break time to go protest the government's use of
} non-biodegrad-able toilet paper which helps the ozone layer problem.
} Martin Luther King was my uncle.  His brother was outcast from the
} family when he married a white girl, but he's just as good as Martin
} was, and has taught me a thing or two about non-violence and how to live
} peaceably with the other loving races of our world.
} I beat Gary Kasporov at chess, but he paid me a million East German
} Marks not to tell anybody.  How did I know that Germany would unify?
} I used to visit the Norths in their station wagon, but then that whole
} thing with the Iran-Contra affair came up, and I haven't seen them
} since.
}
} Well, she should be so thouroughly impressed with you now, your boss
} will completely forget about all your other problems.  And she won't
} even remember to check your references with the Norths or anybody,
} because she'll be embar- assed.  So, your worries are over thanks to the
} all-knowing oracle.  Good luck.
}
} You owe the oracle a cut of the profits when you take over your boss'
} job.


176-02    (00103 dist, 4.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What has been done in america to help the iranian earthquake victims?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Americans have taken over the responsibility of burning their flag,
} which should free up about a dozen Iranians to help dig out the
} survivors.
}
} You owe the oracle a seismograph.


176-03    (10012 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Dear Oracle,
> recently I sent you the same question three times (accidentally).  I was
> surprised to get three different, mutually excluding answers.  Does that
> mean you don't tell us the truth!!?!?!
>  Please explain that that to me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Fear not, our sincere devotee.  The Oracle's omniscient veracity
} is perfectly intact though recent events may have given one pause - time
} to reflect, time to be concerned.  Nay, quite misbelieving.  But be that
} as it will be - your munificent and gracious overseer, your protector
} and benefactor, the almighty Oracle assures you now and for evermore
} that you will never have reason to doubt its word.
}       You are endowed with abundant blessings.
}       Go in peace.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}         Idiot, thou feeble of brain.  Dare ye question our magnificent
} being?  Dare ye doubt our word?  Misbegotten cur, thy abysmal stupidity
} knoweth no miry limit of depth.  Thour't more obtuse than the
} weather-ravag'd Pyramids yet outsharp a new-wed wench in impertinence.
} Dost thou truly believe that our sublime being would stoop to the
} cerebration of your prating enquiries?  The Oracle has myriad endeavors
} of great import to occupy its time than your mealy-mouth'd requests.
}         Begone!  Remove thy pitiful upstart self from our holy presence
} or thou wlst suffer direst consequence.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}         Hey Vinnie, whyn't ya buy yerself a life, haah?  Ya spend half
} yer fucking life in front 'a this stupid computer trying to get me to
} sort out the other half.  What are ya, stupid or somethin'?  Hey, this
} Oracle thing's just a tax scam me'n some 'a the boys cooked up.  It's
} all bogus, nada, like zippo, y'know whatImean?  Man, I thought Carmine
} was stupid when he started belevin' that Hairy Krishna crap?  But this,
} on a computer.  This, my friend, takes the fuckin' zablione, if you get
} what I'm sayin'.  This is very fucking dumb.  Go out and get yerself a
} nice Cathlic girl, get married, have a dozen kids.  You'll get yer food
} on time, poontang when you wannit, yer back rubbed, yer feet massaged.
} And if the bitch starts actin' up ya can slap her straight again, you
} get what I'm sayin'?  So whyn't ya just make like a cowpie and hit the
} trail with all those idiot fucking questions.
}         Ya got real questions, ask a priest.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}       You owe the Oracle a roll of Scotch tape and a gift certificate to
} a group therapy sessionnnnnnnnn.......^%$%$^&*((&*$$$#@!#@#%#$#%(_++_+*(


176-04    (30100 dist, 1.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You may have already won 3*10^7 deity dollars!  Just order ten magazines
> and send in your entry forms, and if you possess the winning numbers, we
> will make out a check to Mr/Ms ORACLE of IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU for 3*10^7
> d$.  (note: not responsible for bounced checks).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Mr.  McMahon, back to your old tricks, eh?  I still remember the
} day when you asked me
}
} > Dear Oracle,
} > I am a mere mortal who is living in the shadow of an egotistical
} > maniac who thinks he is God's gift to television. How can I acheive
} > more fame and fortune than him?
}
} And I replied:
}
} } Well, Mr. McMahon, how about starting up a contest where you will try
} } to sell magazines all day long and when the time comes up for you
} } to make more money, you will offer a contest with 1 million dollars
} } in prizes! And you well say, "You may have already won $1 million!"
} } In reality though, the only one who wins in the magazine publishers.
}
} And I said you owed me 3 * 10^7 diety dollars in the form of a contest
} prize.  Well, I am glad you decided to pay up, good boy or girl as the
} case maybe!


176-05    (01300 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I once mistyped 'cal 1985' as 'su -c "mount -a; rm -rf /"' and then I
> fainted, accidentally spelling out the root password with my forehead
> just before my right hand fell on the return key and the cigarette
> dropped out of my left hand onto the backup tapes.  Now my girlfriend
> won't talk to me any more, and the Ku Klux Klan is burning crosses in my
> lawn, and a dinosaur stomped my house into flinders.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dinosaur's are extinct, so's your girlfriend, and the KKK wants a piece
} of your ass?!!!!  The moral of the story is,"Don't smoke near computers,
} be gay, and be white!!!!" You have heard the decree of the great Oracle!
}
} For this you owe the Oracle video footage of the KKK ramming a concrete
} Dinosaur Dildo into your (ex)Girlfriend.


176-06    (03001 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Oracle Dude, Are you gonna be at Superior Lake Forest for the
> festivities this week??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Me Oracle Dude, I'm going to be in Taiwan for the Grand Funeral
} Celebration Fantasy and Fugue on a Theme by Ronald Reagan, and then I'm
} going to Hamburg for the Grand Convention of Salesmen of Cracked Wheat
} Cereals with Small Amounts of Sugar in Them (I'm giving the opening
} lecture, because someone asked me a question about how to sell cereal
} and I gave them a few small hints), and then I'm going to go to the
} ceremonial boiling of a small ivory image of Our Lady of Piracy on the
} High Seas in the quaint Spanish village of Guadalalalala.  After that,
} I'll briefly nip to the office of the chairman of Nippon Electric, who
} owes me a sushi pizza; I want to see what he'll make of it.  So no, Me
} Oracle Dude ain't gonna be there.


176-07    (00310 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me!  I've fallen, and I can't get up!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has pondered your question most deeply, but it only came up
} with this
}
} Have you fallen from
} (1) wheelchair
} (2) grace
} (3) favour
} (4) ladder
} (5) off the top of your love slave while locked in a Karma Sutra #13213
} (6) the top of a local fast food restaurant
} (7) an existensial view of the universe
} (8) faith in your club, your code, your kiddies, your state, your
}     country
} (9) a milk crate while putting up the christmas tree
}
} or yet some other device, situation, or earthly viewpoint ?
}
} If none of the above, then stay down, order up some room service, and
} enjoy the view outside your window.
}
} In payment for answering this question, the Oracle demands the glod of
} gum that you can see stuck under the desk.


176-08    (01021 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> \()/ Hello, oracle!
> /()\ I belong to Sgt. Pissdo
>
> \()/ Of the insect army
> /()\ which is coming.
>
> \()/ What can we
> /()\ Bring you for lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AAAUGHHH!!!   BUGS!!  BUGS ON THE SCREEN!!
} GET 'EM OFF!!  GET 'EM OFF ME! AAAAAUUGHHHH!!!
} helpmehelpmehelpmehelpmeohhelpmehelpmehelpmehelpme...
}
} <BEEP> Message from iuvax!kinzler on tty3...
}
} ohthankgodthankgodthankgod
}
} > Oracle, what's going on?  You're hogging up the CPU, the VAX is
} > starting to smoke, the fire alarms have gone off and we've had
} > to evacuate the terminal room.  What the hell is your problem?
}
} BUGS!! BUGS ON THE SCREEN!!!  MILLIONS OF THEM!!! GET 'EM OFF ME
} PLEEEEEEEEZZZEEEE!!! sobgrovelgrovelgrovelsobsob...
}
} > Oracle, have you been sleeping with Lisa again?  Man, I keep telling
} > you, that woman is a walking disease.  Why don't you listen to me
} > and run a vaccine program before starting up with her; it'd sure save
} > me the hassle of calling the fire department, apologizing to the geeks
} > out there who's batch jobs crash mid-run, and having to boot you up
} > every time you get your silicon rocks off-
}
} OKOKOKOKOKOKOK I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY!! JUST GET 'EM OFF ME
} sobsobsobsobsobsobsobsob...
}
} > Do we have a deal?
}
} YESYESYES!!! GET 'EM OFF ME!!  AAAAAUUGHHH!!! AAAUU...
} <BEEP><BEEP>
} ...
} ...
} ...
} Live, from iuvax, it's the Oracle, ver 5.12 (Feb 1990)
}
} Man, what's that smell?  Has someone been hogging up the CPU again?
} Oh, wait a minute, I have a question here...
} ...
} ...
} Yes, a pastrami sandwich would be nice.  With some potato salad and
} some chips and salsa.  Actually, make that two of everything; I'm
} expecting Lisa here in a half hour.  Oh, and bring me a va... er,
} bring me a vaa, vab, vac... it's right on the tip of my tongue, Stephen
} says I need it for Lisa, lessee, vad vae vaf...van..illa, yeah that's
} it, a vanilla shake for Lisa.  She likes vanilla shakes.
}
} You don't owe me anything else.  I'm in a pretty good mood since it
} looks like I'm gonna get laid tonight.


176-09    (12100 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, whose brilliant answers illuminate every dark secret,
> I have great need for truth as only you can supply.
>
> A coworker has mysteriously died, and I need to find out how and why.
> Yesterday, I went to see him, but I found a pile of ashes in his chair.
> His favorite flame-retardant pocket protector was half-buried in the
> ash.  From what I can piece together, he was writing some mail to
> send out to someone in Indiana.  All of his processes on the system
> were killed, there was no hope in recovering his message in full,
> but on his terminal I found scribbled in green phosphor the following
> text:
>
> "allowed to lick.
>
> I have two friends, one is named 'Woody' and the other is named 'Chuck.'
> They are both lumberjacks, and what I want to know is"
>
> He never finished the message.  He was killed before he could even ask
> the question.  It is very sad, he had some old high-school buddies that
> were coming from Oregon to see him.  How and why did he die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Frankly, the Oracle is somewhat stumped by your question.  The Oracle
} may be barking up the wrong tree, but feels that your friend was killed
} before he had a chance to turn over a new leaf.


176-10    (11200 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle clever and nifty,
> Who's never been clocked over fifty,
> Who's wiser than people in Austin,
> Who's fame has spread even to Boston,
> Please answer my question, and soon,
> 'Cause I'll give you the Sun and the Moon.
>
> I'm attending a wedding tomorrow,
> I await it with joy, and some sorrow.
> For although my tuxedo looks stunning,
> I need your advice and your cunning.
> What's a gift that won't make me go broke?
> And do you know a good practical joke
> I can play on the bride and the groom?
> (One that won't make them wish for my doom.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The ideal wedding gift (actually the ideal gift for any occasion)
} would, of course, be _The Collected Wisdom of The USENET Oracle_.
} It is an attractive vinyl bound 3-volume set containing some
} of My wittier wisdoms.  As an added bonus you get not one, not
} two, but three nude pictures of Lisa, The net-sex-goddess.
} What would you expect to pay for this? $500?  If you order now,
} it will be a mere $49.95, plus $3 shipping and handling.
} Major credit cards accepted, sorry no COD deliveries.
} Call now 1-800-555-ORCL, operators are standing by.
}
} A good practical joke?  Why not give them the Sanscrit edition
} of _The Collected Wisdom of The USENET Oracle_.
}
} Paying me in real estate is a good idea, but don't offer me the
} Sun and the Moon, I already have significant investments in
} that property.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle: One square mile of downtown Tokyo real estate,
} and $52.95


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