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Internet Oracularities #177

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177, 177-01, 177-02, 177-03, 177-04, 177-05, 177-06, 177-07, 177-08, 177-09, 177-10


Usenet Oracularities #177    (11 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 6 Jul 90 19:53:21 -0500

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177   11 votes 18110 22610 05420 06221 13340 34301 11243 31610 12332 21017
177   2.9 mean  2.2   2.5   2.7   2.8   2.9   2.3   3.6   2.5   3.3   3.9


177-01    (18110 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can i learn to play the fluet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should do it the same way I had to...
}
} [scene fades to a rocky mountaintop]
}
} NARRATOR (oracle cleverly disguising his voice with one of those neat-o
}           Transformer[TM] voice modulators):
}
}          It was just after I had signed up for Music Theory 666 at the
}          University of the Immortals.  I was required to learn the
}          esoteric art of classical fluet soloing.  I had no idea where
}          to go, so I asked the Oracle of the time (good ol' Dad), and
}          he said to me:
}
} GOOD OL' DAD (Jimmy Stewart/Darth Vader)
}
}          You, you, you must go to the top of Mt Filberg in the Himalayas
}          and talk to that nice old man  Master Liao Tse Sto Ree, and beg
}          him to tutor you.  Yeah, that's the way...
}
} N:  So, I climbed the mountain, and there he sat: Liao Tse.  This guy
}     had long (I mean LOOOOOOOOOOONG) hair pulled back into a sort of
}     ponytail, except it was in the front.  He was wearing those mondo-
}     cool John Lennon shades, and he way playing five (yeah, FIVE)
}     fluets.  One in each hand, one with each foot, and one with his
}     prodigious male member.
}
} [fade to scenes of the young Oracle practicing a fluet]
}
} N:  I spent three millenia up on that mountain, until I could play that
}     fluet with my bowel movements.  Then, I pushed that old fart out of
}     my way, went back to school, passed my class (and in doing so, kill-
}     ed three of my MT 666 professors), and went out for a pizza with
}     Ares and Heracles.
}
}
} So, get yourself a good fluet and a ticket to the Himalayas.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good reason why this answer is worse than ANYTHING
}  Dan "the major pain-in-the-ass" Man EVER wrote.


177-02    (22610 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is "Don't have a cow, man!" supposed to mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just what it says, numbskull.  It is asking you to stop ranching, which
} is highly environmentally unsound, and take up some other, more decent,
} occupation , like perhaps skiing or playing tennis.  It is a call to
} give up the Seven Deadly Sins, the dread "Cow of Hell who shall
} Deflocculate the Evildoers" in the apocryphal Book of Alternative
} Revelations, and take up the path of righteousness, good cooking, and
} good sex.


177-03    (05420 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and wise Oracle, whose wondrous eyes can perceive more
> than even Newton's first telescope, what ever became of th Hubble
> Space Telescope, and why haven't I heard anything about it recently?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, this is truly an embarrassment to the Oracle!
}
} Shortly after its deployment, control of the telescope was seized by
} two of The Oracle's disciples, who shall remain nameless.  Their goal
} was to spy on Lisa, videotape some of her numerous encounters, and
} sell the tapes at exhorbinant prices to horny bald guys throwing stag
} parties.
}
} Luckily for Lisa, (but unluckily for the scientific community) they
} inadvertantly focused in on Tammy Fae Bakker's back yard while she was
} sunbathing in the nude.  The resulting strain on the complex
} apparatus, which was meant to record the beauties of deep space, not
} the ugliest things on Earth, was too much.  The multi-million-dollar
} mirrors have been permanently warped out of focus.
}
} NASA has now regained control of the useless scope, but must come up
} with some suitable explanation for the public.  As you might imagine,
} reaction from security freaks and born-again Christians could hurt
} NASA's budget.  They'll probably just chalk it up to human error.
}
} You owe The Oracle a 12" reflector and a tape of "Debbie Does Dallas."


177-04    (06221 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me a way of passing exams without studying

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Put the examination on the floor.
}
} Tiptoe to one side of the examination.  Very quietly.  No, I mean *very
} very* quietly.  If you make the slightest noise, the exam will wake up
} and it will come and force you to answer question after fucking question
} about the influence of doric columns on the spanish revolution and how
} to integrate fruitflies and how to translate the crab nebula into german
} and why the capital of the belgian congo is currently located in zaire
} adn YOU WON'T KNOW ANY OF THE FUCKING ANSWERS AND YOU WILL COMPLETELY
} SCREW UP AND THE TEST WILL EAT YOU SNAP SNAP AND YOU WON'T HAVE TIME TO
} SAY "GEE, I WISH I'D STUDIED A LITTLE BIT" BEFORE YOU ARE DEAD, DEAD,
} DEAD and serve you right.
}
} You owe the Oracle a B+


177-05    (13340 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Alas, dear Oracle!  I returned home last night to find Emilia lying in a
> crumpled heap of petticoats and polyhedra collapsed on the divan, with a
> feather-duster in her hand, and in the salon were Esmirelda and Sir
> Fortesque-Smythe, in a state of mutual dissipation, engaged in an
> activity that I cannot describe save that it involved a 18-by-18 board
> with black and white dots placed upon it so that each dot was in four
> squares.  I could not face them; I fled back into my coach, and spent
> the night hunting quail upon the dark and stinking moor.  But soon, soon
> I must return; what should I do, and where shall I get the strength to
> do what must be done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last, an easy question to answer.  The answer is simple:  Return
} home, leave the coach afar down the drive, and quietly enter the house
} armed with some vicious poetical devices.  Grab Emilia woughly around
} the waist and drag her into the salon while reciting the first verse of
} E.  A.  Poe's 'The Raven'.  (Notice the Surprise on Esmireldas and
} Smythes' face!!).  Plonk Emilia upon the Gomoku board, ensuring the
} playing pieces are scattered in a rough Mandelbrot pattern and then whip
} out your prized piece of weaponry - La Mort d'Arthur.  I know by now you
} must be saying 'But where do I find the strength to recite such a
} powerful piece of prose?!'.  Look into yourself and check your shirt
} pockets, the answer lies within us all.  As a finale to your triumphant
} retort, produce the quail from the moor served sauteed upon a bed of
} crisp chinese moss.  I assure you your victims will be speechless.
}
} - Oracle =:-/
}
} ( You owe the Oracle one taco filled with minced quail )


177-06    (34301 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, I need help.
>
> I am in my bedroom.  A woman with big biker thighs is wearing a leather
> teddy, jack boots and a German officers hat while goosestepping around
> the bed.  What does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, you have had the fortunate (or unfortunate) pleasure of
} meeting Helga Hipperschmitt, the East German Olympic Mud Wrestling
} Champion.  You see, Helga defected to the United States earlier this
} year, and she is attempting to emulate our culture by mimicking what
} she sees on television.  The only problem is, her set only picks up
} the Playboy Channel and old Disney reruns.  Just give her time, and
} maybe let her borrow your set, and she might straighten out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a six-year subscription to Penthouse and Helga's
} address.


177-07    (11243 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise and witles..er..witty, are Nazi fascists
> trying to take over the country?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Diss is de magnificent und wunderbar Orakle spreching.  Let uss,
} in our suprheme vissdom, assure you zat you are unter no threat
} vutsoever from ze party of ze true Aryan Nation.  None at all.
}         Ve, err...  zat is zey, are NOT planning any attacks of any sort
} in an attempt to destabilize ze American geopolitical agenda.
} Especially not one at 9:45 on ze evenink of zis July 4 at ze Washington
} Monument with 10,000 gallons of cream cheese, a 1000 tons of lox and 1
} million bagels all fired from a U-boat from ze bottom of the Potomac.
} Zey will not be responzible for ze ensuing chaos and ze fact zat Israel
} will be blamed for zis incident.  It iss not zeyr fault zat zis will
} prompt an attack on Israel by Saddam Hussein of Iraq vid larhge scale
} nuklear veapons.  Israel will be anhillated leading to a great deal of
} social strife in New York because Wall Street vill lose 69% of it's
} bankers, Broadway vill have to do vithout 83% of its songwriterss, und
} dere vill be no more Gilbert Gottfried specials on HBO becoss dey vill
} all be gon to fight ze Arabs for nuking zeyr Jewish brethren.  And you
} can be sure zat ze one true party of ze Aryan peoples, brilliant in ze
} light of...err ze Nazis vill NOT take advantage of zis chaos to make
} Jesse Helms President of ze Country and ensure ze preeminence of our
} peoples and ze systematic genocide of ALL inferior races.
}         You may calm yourzelf knowing zat zis vill not happen.
}
} --------------------EMERGENCY MESSAGE!!!!!!-----------------------------
}
}         HELP!  THE NET HAS BEEN OVERRUN BY SQUAREHEADED MEN IN BLACK
} ARMBANDS AND LIEDERHOSEN.  THEY ARE HOLDING US CAPTIVE AND TORURING US
} ONE BY ONE, FORCING US TO EAT WARM SAUERKRAUT AND THEN SLEEP WITH GERMAN
} WOMEN WHO DON'T SHAVE WHILST THEY SING THE HORST WESSEL SONG.  ANYBODY
} READING THIS MUST NOTIFY THE FEDERAL AUTHORITIES AS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
}         Er, zat iss all from your teacher und vriend, ze Orakle.
}
}                         Sieg Heil!!
}
} You owe ze Orakle mint jelly und one kopy of Mein Kampf.


177-08    (31610 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have pondered this problem for quite a while.  There is an
> insignificant child who likes to call himself the SCORPION who is trying
> to destroy my directory.  The main problem is that he is very good
> friends with the superuser!  Please help me soon as I don't think I have
> much time left.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me help you put your problem into perspective.
}
} Imagine sqashing enough hostess cup cakes together to form a ball
} roughly the size of your sun.  A benign Jykeon hair lice on the head of
} Horace V.  Cromwell has just got your cup-cake ball caught in one its
} 137,000 eyes.  In an attempt to rub out this newfound irritant, it moves
} lazily with its front left hand, poking himself in roughly 82,000 of its
} other eyes and distorting its viewing of an "I Love Lucy" rerun.  Just
} as Lucy falls down in a vat of grapes, the surrounding universe
} gradually explodes into a black muck, which at its completion, dots the
} "i" in "Goozvahdan delight" that Mabel scratches into her little order
} pad.  After she asks whether the gentleman wants soup or salad, and what
} dressing, she goes back to give the order to the cook.  Backing into the
} swinging door, in one motion she rips off the page of the orderpad, and
} sticks it into a vertical steel spike...  piercing the dotted "i" in
} "delight" right through the center.
}
} You exist in the hostess twinkie with the half a rat in the center.
}
}
} For this gift of knowledge, you owe the oracle 22 years of self
} flagelation and 7 years of sleep deprivation (not to be served
} con-currently).


177-09    (12332 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                         I.B. Greed
>                                         1256 3rd Av.
>                                         New York, NY 10078
>
>                                         July 2, 1990
>
> Usenet Oracle
> Oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> This is to inform you that my client, Apollo of Olympus, is filing suit
> against you in the Ninth Circuit Court of the United States, on the
> grounds of your deliberate infringement on His copyright on the
> appearance and command-set interface of the Delphic Oracle.
>
> Obviously, we were under no obligation to inform you of this directly;
> you will, after all, be receiving court documents with full details
> shortly.  We just wanted to make you squirm that much earlier.  Because
> after the recent successful lawsuit by Lotus Software, we feel you
> haven't got a SnoCone's (tm) chance in hell.
>
> As long as you're quivering anyway, you might wish to consider my
> client's terms for an out-of-court settlement:  $58.6 billion and 75
> percent of your future net profits.  I'd go for it if I were you.  The
> longer you wait, the higher it's going to be.
>
> Bwahahahahahahahah.
>
>                               Sincerely,
>
>                               I.B. Greed
>                               Greed, Greed, Jubelier and Greed
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I regret to inform you, Mr I B Greed, that due an, cough, unknown hacker
} your file has been deleted from the IRS and this same, cough, unknown
} person caused the designation for termination by any and all government
} agents, including police.  Watch your back!
}
} You owe the oracle nothing, this information is provided freely and with
} not a small amount of pleasure


177-10    (21017 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is true stress?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} True stress is when you have invited the vicar over, and he's supposed
} to arrive in half an hour and the cook has cut the cucumbers too thick
} for cucumber sandwiches, only when she tries to cut them in half they
} come out too thin and look ever so sloppy, and Fifi is sitting on the
} settee in the parlor and scratching as if she has fleas and might just
} very well leave some of them on the settee and give them to the vicar if
} he should chance to sit upon the settee, only the butler is off
} polishing his shoes and the gardner is too grubby to even so much as
} look at the settee, much less touch it.
}
} And then you discover that your white gown is half an inch too short,
} and your blue gown is half an inch too long, and the only one remaining
} is the red one that looks as if you are some sort of loose woman, but
} you haven't any choice and the vicar is *sure* to inquire about it.
}
} And then the butler comes in and he must have polished the soles of his
} shoes, as they leave black footprints on the floor and on the oriental
} rug, and it's not to be endured.
}
} And then the cook announces that there are no currants for the scones,
} and should she make due with sultanas, or could the gardner be sent to
} town to get some currants if you don't mind having the scones a little
} late, and by the way there's only salted butter, no fresh, so maybe the
} gardner had better be sent to town for that even if it will take him
} longer, and by the way Fifi got into the cream cake and sat in it, and
} went hopping around the kitchen leaving little creamy footsteps, and so
} there won't be any cream cake for the vicar even though everyone knows
} that it's his favorite, and there's no helping it at all.
}
} And then Fifi comes into the parlor, still covered with cream, and sits
} on the blue chaise lounge and starts licking her hinder parts just as if
} she weren't absolutely ruining the rug and the lounge and her dear
} beloved mistress' party all at the same time, and the cook goes to pick
} the poor dear up, and she trips on the rug which you had lifted to see
} the extent of the damage, and she flounders wildly into the Ming vase to
} the right of the fireplace, and it falls over and smashes a crystal
} decanter of port into tiny shards, and a tiny chip breaks off of the
} mouth of the vase, and the cook has a black eye, and Fifi gives a little
} shriek and jumps up and runs across the room leaving more footprints of
} cream, and the cook is too upset to clean up the decanter before she
} goes and puts a slice of beefsteak on her eye, so the room shall smell
} of port when the vicar comes in.
}
} And the gardner has just changed his clothes, and he comes in to move
} the *settee* rather than the lounge, and when you finally tell him to
} move the *lounge* rather than the settee, and bring one or two of the
} chairs from the library, and he does, and then he sits on the settee and
} you notice that he's forgotten to change his jacket, and now the settee
} will smell faintly of perspiration as well as probably having fleas.
}
} But there's no helping it, for now the doorbell is ringing and you go to
} answer it and it's not the vicar, but three Denebian slime devils who
} have crash-landed their flying saucer in the back yard, and now they
} want to use the hyperspace radio and if they can't they'll just have to
} eat everyone in the household and then turn them into mindless slaves
} and sell them beyond the Dark Nebula, only it's the nineteenth century
} and you haven't got a hyperspace radio, but the butler comes out and
} engages the slime devils in a bit of an imbroglio.
}
} And then the vicar arrives, punctual as always, and finds your house in
} total disorder.  That's stress.
}
} The Oracle has stressed out.  You owe the Oracle a stress-pill.


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