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20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:27:35 GMT

Internet Oracularities #178

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178, 178-01, 178-02, 178-03, 178-04, 178-05, 178-06, 178-07, 178-08, 178-09, 178-10


Usenet Oracularities #178    (10 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 7 Jul 90 19:48:16 -0500

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178   10 votes 13231 23203 11323 13303 24400 24301 34111 21331 24220 22105
178   2.8 mean  3.0   2.9   3.5   3.1   2.2   2.4   2.3   3.0   2.4   3.4


178-01    (13231 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the elliptical eccentricity of Dan Quayle's intelligence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see here....
}
} First take 1 divided by Dan Quayle's Intelligence.... <Bzzttt....POP!>
} ERROR: Floating Exception - core dumped
}
} You owe the Oracle a new Math Coprocessor.


178-02    (23203 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hoi, chummer.  I just wrote this to thank you for all the help you gave
> me in the past.  I really appreciate it...
>
> By the way, Why do they make white bread with brown bits around the
> edges?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOMATO WILT IS THE HOLE IN THE WALL.
}
} The whiteness of the bread is the symbol of the Sephira Kether in the
} world of Briah.  The brownness of the crust is the path 16,
} corresponding to the letter Vau and symbolizing the Triumphal or Eternal
} Intelligence, which connects the Sephiroth Chokmah and Chesed, in the
} world Assiah.  The former, of course, corresponds to the Ultimate
} Mystery of the World (not to be confused with the Ultimate Mysteries
} outside the world).  The latter corresponds to the Heirophant of the
} Greater Trumps.
}
} LOVE IS COLE SLAW, LOVE UNDER WATER.


178-03    (11323 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hiya, Oracle.  I woke up this morning.  That's kind of unusual, since I
> usually sleep until about three, but today was kind of special.  Kind of
> special?  Kind of exciting, or something like that.  You see, a large
> squid decided that it wanted to share my bed with me.  A very large,
> very cold, very wet squid, with very many tentacles, if I may be more
> specific.  And it didn't just want to sleep in my bed.  Oh, no!  This
> squid wanted to play chess.  And not using my chess set, either!  It
> used a chess set with thirty-two visually identical small gray stones as
> chessmen, stones which had been dipped in different flavors so that you
> could tell them apart by taste but not by vision.  And of course squids
> have taste buds in those two longer tentacles, and I had to use my
> tongue which (it being early morning) I was in no mood to do.  So, I
> lost the chessgame, and then I lost my temper, and then the squid ate
> me.
>
> What should I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1st:  Get out of the wardrobe.  Sportscoats wont digest you, so you
} don't have to panic.
}
} 2nd:  Apologise to your girlfriend for screaming obscenities at her this
} morning.  She probably doesn't appreciate being called a "slimy
} cold-blooded fish-faced underhand cheating mollusc".  In fact, she
} probably doesn't know what a mollusc is.  The oracle won't point out
} that a squid is not in fact a mollusc.  It's an, um, er, it's a squid.
}
} 3rd:  Take a very large axe or a very big dog and have a little chat
} with the guy who sold you the overproof speed.
}
} 4th:  Enroll in Psych 101, and read the text "Freud, Seafood and
} Miniscule Dicks".
}
} 5th:  Stop bothering the oracle with your drug-distorted sexual hangups;
} he has plenty of his own, thankyou very much.


178-04    (13303 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> prrogram prrint a 1 on the screen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} /* pprogram prrint a 1 on screen */
} /* wrritten for dick_head */
}
} main()
} {
}   printf("1\n");   /* grrrrrr! */
} }
}
} -------
} And that was the programming contribution for this weeks test, "How
} Mentally Retarded Can My Oracle Question Be Yet Still Be Deemed Worthy
} Of Reply?".  It was sent in by Genius@Big.Nob.And.Brain in response to
} Moron@Geek.Machine.Edu
}
} Join us next week for the continuation of our "Agonisingly Dull
} Questions" when we'll be answering the famous "What's a Floopy Discus?"
} question.  Same time, same place ...
}
} The Oracle Doesn't Want Anything You Have.


178-05    (24400 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where O' Where has my true love gone? O' Where O' Where can she be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [All Together Now!]
} Where O' where are you tonight?
} Why did you leave me here all alone?
} I searched the world over
} And thought I found true love.
} You met another and ppttthhhhttt! You were gone.
}
} Actually, she ran off to sing with Hee Haw and marry Buck Owens.


178-06    (24301 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Awesome Oracle!  I just saw on a map that there's a town named
> after you!  That's right, Oracle, Arizona!  I'm impressed!  What's the
> history of this amazing little town?  Were you born there?  Are there
> shrines to you?  Is it appropriate for me to make a pilgrimage there
> this summer?  If so, what should I bring?  What's the whole story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Awesome"? The Oracle is not impressed by val-speak.
}
} It is, first, important to note that the anagram of "Oracle, Arizona"
} is "AA color Zen air." You can make of that what you will.
}
} As for your shrines question, no, there are no computer terminals in
} the town that bears my name - part of a covenant we share. Don't ask.
} Thus, it would be impossible to make sacrifices to me there. However,
} if you're really feeling in the mood, you can always offer up cash to
} me. Unmarked tens and twenties stuffed into your computer's keyboard
} is about the best way. Remember: it encourages non-attachment, it gets
} your sins forgiven, and it's tax-deductible.


178-07    (34111 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (con't)
>
> from the way she handles but still the lamp posts bear
> markings that would seem to pre-date the apocalyptic
> period that followed the failure of the Spooda crop in
> that particular year.  I tried to reason, but the pain
> and the vibrationsdrove me back into my lair where I
> needed to reconfigure my fundamental philosophical
> underpinnings.  This took some time and some soap, as
> was recorded faithfully by Boswell, I'm sure you know,
> in 1783, and led inexorably to the amalgamation of
> thousands of tiny satellite dishes into a simple model
> of Mount Rushmore formed entirely of armadillo
> entrails.  When my MOTHER found out, the hypersonic
> guano-tron misfired and landed flaming rods of astatine
> in the duck pond at th Center of the Earth.  This was
> expected, but as you might intuit, so distracted the
> populous that the annual Festival of Bladders wasn't
> even recorded in the annals of sophistry.  When the
> local constables reversed the flow of econo-political
>
>                                   (over please  --> )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At any rate, when the brain-flies lean on their chairs and look at you
} with their multi-faceted eyes with their multi-faceted contact lenses,
} you may be sure that you are in for a true interrogation about the true
} nature of reality.
}
} For behold!  The otter is not damned, nor yet is the frog doomed to
} perdition.  And the agonies of the fruit-fly and the guano-beetle are
} Consitutitonally guaranteed to be finite and bounded.  But alas!  For
} the woes of the Indian and the Calliope are fated to be infinite, cosmic
} in scope, and terrible to behold.


178-08    (21331 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, wise oracle, tell me the words to describe my lady-love, for
> when I am with her there are no words and when I am away from her I
> can't see her.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       My love is like a red, red rose
}       Which droops and starts to decompose
}       And when she travels far away
}       I note the odour does not stay
}
}       My love and I shall never part
}       I'll always keep her in my heart
}       However hard I try to purge
}       The memory of her painful dirge
}
}       My love is like a red, red rose
}       All sodden from the garden hose
}       A pretty yet still pungent flower
}       Run o'er by the garden mower


178-09    (24220 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to have sex with a vax.  I am speaking and doing not of this now
> not of this tomorrow but always

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...why don't you get one of the new MicroVaxWomen from DEC?  These
} are real live women who have a single-chip CMOS MicroVax implanted in
} their bodies.  They have two little plugs in their skulls:  one is for a
} power-supply input, the other is for a fiber-optic link to additional
} external memory, a display, and hard disks.  So the woman becomes the
} chassis for a real Vax:  she _is_ a Vax while still being a woman.
}
} Get your girlfriend to have herself converted into a MicroVaxWoman.
} When she's down, she can brush her hair over the skull-plugs and nobody
} will be able to tell that she's also a Vax.  Marry her if she'll have
} you.  When you're in the mood for computing or sex with an up-and-
} running Vax, have her plug the power and fiber-optic-bus connections
} into her skull.  Bring her up, then hack or hump away all you like.
}
} It's kind of dehumanizing, though, don't you think?


178-10    (22105 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Why do the English smell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let us now turn to the Book of Things that Are Written, chapter 4, verse
} 5:20.4.1/a, where it is Written:
}
} Lo!  Yo!  Ho!  It is Written in the Book of Things that Are Written that
} the English do Smell.  And Behold!  For this is verily the truth!  When
} thou goest to England, yea, and even to Scotland and Wales, thou shalt
} discover this to be none other than the veritable Truth.  And how could
} it not be True, for indeed it is Written!  Yea, for though the Nasty
} would seek to deny it, and though the Geeks would scoff and fleer, yet
} it is still true:  and none may truthfully say it otherwise, for such is
} the nature of trueness and truthfullness, and truly it is Written in the
} Book of Things that Are Written that all that is Written in the Book of
} Things that Are Written is right and true and just and just a wee bit
} repetitive.  For behold!  Are not the words there upon the page?  Is not
} the page before thee?  Is not the light good enough?  Are not thy
} glasses clean, or if they be not clean, not so dirty as to prevent all
} vision?  Seest thou not the letters of the Book Of Things That Are
} Written in front of thee, even as the buzzard seest the decaying animal,
} and even as the shephard seest the flying saucer?  For indeed the
} British do smell, aye, even when they have been out of Britain for
} thrice the lifetime of a turnip, aye, even then still do they smell.
} For it is Written in the Book that the British do smell, and what is
} Written in the Book is true.
}
} Well, a bloody lot of help that was.  The British smell because they use
} perfume, which is a concept taken from the French style brought over
} with William the Conqueror.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Chanel No.  i.


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