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Internet Oracularities #179

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179, 179-01, 179-02, 179-03, 179-04, 179-05, 179-06, 179-07, 179-08, 179-09, 179-10


Usenet Oracularities #179    (10 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 90 11:02:21 -0500

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

179   10 votes 22321 01441 03421 12241 03421 22123 31303 23131 03430 13321
179   3.0 mean  2.8   3.5   3.1   3.2   3.1   3.2   2.9   2.8   3.0   2.9


179-01    (22321 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Natalie McKamey, resident of Bloomington Indiana, married?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, let's go marry Natalie!
} She's winkely and catalie!
} She cooks a mean-o sausage stew!
} -- I hear she's kind of tattely.
}
} Oh, let's go marry Rosalie!
} She's crinkely and cozalie!
} I like her cats and you do too!
} -- She's keen on dressing nattily.
}
} Oh, let's go marry Emily!
} She's butchily and femmily!
} Her marmoset is tie-dyed blue!
} -- She's always acting BEMmily.
}
} Perhaps we shan't get wed to-day;
} Perhaps we'll sail out in the bay,
} Perhaps we'll seek in pastures new!
} --I really don't know what to say.
}
}
} You owe an oracle another rhyme for the third verse that doesn't depend
} on the reader knowing that a BEM is a Bug-Eyed Monster.


179-02    (01441 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that Anglicans are all damned for refusing to eat the Pope?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely!
}
} Back in 1699 when Pope Innocent died, Pope Guilty decreed that the
} body be shipped across Europe, through all the reformation countries,
} in order that anyone who ate a piece of the Holy Body would be
} forgiven, taken back into the Catholic Church, and restored to grace.
}
} As the old pope's body slowly wound its way through Europe, the
} condition of the body deteriorated greatly.  It is rumored to have
} started a Plague outbreak in France, and in Germany, it was called
} 'The Diet of Worms II' by the locals.  By the time the pope
} crossed the channel in 1708, not one englishman could bear to come
} near it, much less eat any part of it (besides, all the best pieces
} had been taken by the Germans).  Late one evening, a group of VERY
} BRAVE C of E officials stole the body and interred it in a secret
} grave.
}
} When word reached Rome of the body's secret burial, and that NOT ONE
} Englishman had partaken of the body, Pope Guilty flew into a
} terrible rage and damned every member of the Church of England before
} dying of a stroke.  In what seems like poetic justice, his body was
} consumed by rioting, famine-stricken Romans.
}
} The British really couldn't care less.
}
} You owe The Oracle a Yorkshire Pudding and an Indulgence.


179-03    (03421 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and magnificent Oracle,
>
> All I want to do is finish my doctorate, marry a good woman, settle
> down at some steady job, and raise children and roses.  But the
> doctorate is bogged down, the women ignore me, and I seem to be
> fated not to have these things.
>
> Please tell me what my future holds.  Will I achieve this modest
> ambition?  What will happen to me in the next few years?
>
> Thanks very much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To he who scribes such painful words, let me relay unto thee my divine
} assurance that the future holds much of interest to thee, but not as
} thou seemst to desire.
}
} First, my friend, thou wilt be blessed with doctorates of great number,
} and thy credentials shall read, "Dr.  --- ----, Professor of Underwater
} Tennis, Alcove-jumping, and Egg-scrambling, with a minor in female
} endearment and retributive contemplation."
}
} Secondly, thou wilst within one year become a gynecologist, and the
} women will no longer ignore you but, verily, verily, I say unto thee,
} they shall fight as do the pit bulls of Magladesh, and they shall slay
} each other in great number to approach thine humble office and to be the
} attention of thy services.
}
} After these events have transpired, 'o One Who Knows Not What the Hell
} He Will Be, thou shalt have thy youth among thee, and thy house will
} swarm with thine offspring, like the Great Sack of Balcutto, and they
} shall surround the like the Moths of Gerpoli.  Thy spouse will be a
} woman of great insignificance, yea, like Aristapoi of Beelzuri, and she
} shall be forever indebted to thee, for reasons I darest not recount.
}
} May all of thy wishes, (except for the one about the goldfish, the
} hand-grenade, and swiss cheese), come true.
}
} You owe the Oracle a retelling of Babe Ruth's historectomy, and a
} lifetime supply of Vegamite.


179-04    (12241 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the left half of your brain know what the right half is doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course the left half of my brain knows what the right side is
} doing!...  it's scheming to take over the left side!...  I just hope
} that the right side doesn't know that the left side is planning the same
} thing!...  What was that?..  Uh-oh, he's on to me!...  Hey, what are you
} planning?!...  None of your business!
}
} [Since the left side of the Oracle's brain is now separated from the
}  right side, you can strill address all artistic questions to iuvax,
}  however, you should send your technical problems to
}  oracle@charon.mit.edu]
}
} You owe the Oracle a VERY good systems analyst (No they don't!) Shut
} up!....


179-05    (03421 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pastry or sex?  Pastry or sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's both pastry -- _and_ sex!  It's the new life-sized, extra-sexy,
} Pillsbury Dough Girl!  She's the only woman who's happy with a permanent
} yeast infection!  Bake her until she's golden brown, and you've got some
} Poppin' Fresh Hot Sex!  And if you're tired of her afterwards, you can
} eat her -- from head to toe -- and get another of her!  Keep several of
} her in your refrigerator -- you'll always be able to have a hot dinner
} date any night of the week!


179-06    (22123 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the stupidest name for a space pirate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's all a matter of taste really, but the Oracle suggests that the
} following names are pretty bloody stupid:
}
}  10. Florence
}   9. Joe the Stupidly-Named Space Pirate
}   8. Joe "really quite scary" Smith
}   7. The Sound of Three Dead Men Wilson (Esq.)
}   6. Kinko the Kid-Loving Clown
}   5. Liverpuddly Everton-Smith the Fifty-Second
}   4. Gwynysthykwang`ll Thngmybb
}   3. Kevin "Pretty-Boy" Heath
}   2. Krog the Very Messy
}   1. Ronald Ray-gun


179-07    (31303 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you sitting comfortably?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, now that you mention it.  I am curled up with one leg under my butt
} and the other one stuck under my armpit.  My left arm has somehow been
} stuffed into St.  Amagon's mouth, and he has very long teeth.  I am
} suspended upside down in a net over a pool of boiling alligators.  A
} dentist has poked her drill into my left molars and is probably writing
} her initials there.  I am being force-fed abalone sushi and it is
} socially unacceptable to say that it is rather like chewing on my own
} cheek, except more highly spiced.  I have been stuck on skiis and I am
} currently hurtling toward a precipice at something over 800 miles a
} second.  I am listening to three operas simultaneously, and I can't
} understand a single word, and it is socially unacceptable to say
} anything bad about it at all.  Seven carnivorous howling butterflies
} have started to devour my left ear.  Fifteen rabid scientific elephants
} have decided that my other ear is a suitable repository for explosive
} and corrosive vapors, and who the heck is going to say "no" to fifteen
} rabid scientific elephants?  A Space Pirate has pointed her ray gun at
} me and I am being forced to walk the star-plank, which is no mean feat
} when I'm curled up with one leg under my but and the other one stuck
} under my armpit.


179-08    (23131 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the gogo girls slash my face, what does it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My friend, this is truly an ill omen.  It is written in the famed book
} on the unorthodox, 'Door-to-door Salesmen and Other Mystical
} Phenomenon,' that:
}
}       "...furthermore, the gogo girl is assuredly a
} lycanthropic creature, and prefers to strike its victims by slashing
} their faces..."
}
} Also, in the ancient 'Hindu Book of Meditation and Ford Passenger Car
} Maintenence':
}
}       "...the gogo girls can only be described as beasts of
} ill-omen.  Their affinity for odd clothing accessories is surpassed
} only by their preference for slashing the faces of their victims, who
} later turn into gogo girls themselves..."
}
} Truly, the Great Oracle feels the utmost sympathy for your case.  I
} only hope that the infection caused by the facial wounds does not lead
} to your eventual metamorphasis into a gogo girl, but if this does
} happen, please - end your life, that you might save others.  Here are
} some warning signs to tell you if you are turning into a gogo girl:
}
} 1)  Affinity for scarfs, bandanas, and flourescent shoelaces
} 2)  An urge to sing moronic songs with little or no actual artistic
}     value
} 3)  Any cravings to jump into a convertible, cruise down Main Street,
}     and wave at people while singing
} 4)  Urges to 'break away' from 'the group' and make videos with
}     aquatic mammals in them
} 5)  An overwhelming desire to stick hot dogs up your nose
}
} If any of these symptoms occur, please kill yourself to save others.
} The method of killing gogo girls is best described in Humphrey's
} 'Guide to the Slaying of Indigent Rock Personalities', in which he
} says:
}
}       "The slaying of a gogo girl is no easy matter.  First, one
}        must prepare a boiling mixture of curry, fructose, skunk-
}        weed, and smelling salts.  Then, decapitate the gogo girl
}        with a lead tweezers, grasping the still-singing head with
}        the tweezers and dipping it in the boiling solution.  The
}        head should now begin singing 'We Got the Beat.'  The next
}        step is most crucial.
}               "Taking the head outside, stuff a garden hose in
}        its mouth and turn on the water.  The head should stop
}        singing, but ONLY for a few seconds.  It is while the
}        head is not singing that it is most vulnerable.  During
}        these critical seconds, take a silver knife and repeatedly
}        stab the head.  If done properly, this should finally kill
}        the gogo girl.  If not, the gogo girl will still live, and
}        the above steps must be repeated."
}
} Good luck!
}
} You owe the Oracle the Belinda Carlisle collection on CD and a
} 100-foot garden hose.


179-09    (03430 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I become an iguana?  I've tried every magic spell I've been
> able to discover, and I just don't change.  I've had an iguana costume
> custom-made, and that helps, but it's still not quite the thing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish mortal.  Man fancies himself the most intelligent, complex
} creature of all Earth's creatures.  His displays of nuclear bombing, and
} waves of genocide are masterbatory in nature, and how pitiful he looks
} as he fails in performing one of the most simple yet most self
} fulfilling acts....  becoming an iguana.  We smirk as he sells his soul
} for a third class witch's incantation.  We roar with laughter as he
} cloaks himself in a shoddy polyeurethane "costume".  Many a times do our
} sides split with mirth, watching on as the comedic element heightens.
} Strip down your skins and perk your ears if the form of an iquana is
} what you desire!
}
} Helpful hint #1:      Think like an iguana.  Absorbing the iguana
}                       attitude might seem easy at first, but believe
}                       me it's not.  Many have practiced for countless
}                       millenia yet could not aquire that elusive
}                       combination of cool reserve and explosive wit
}                       that is typical of the iguana psyche.  I sug-
}                       gest starting with the observation and mimick-
}                       ing of iguana stances.
}
} Helpful hint #2:      Associate with iguanas.  Aquire their interests.
}                       Engage in their hobbies, sports, social gather-
}                       ings, and mating habits.  You'll know that
}                       you've reached the pinnacle of acceptance once
}                       you're considered "just one of the iguanas".
}
} Helpful hint #3:      Talk like an iguana.  Obviously, iguanas have
}                       a vastly different communication structure than
}                       your own.  To successfully talk like iguana-ese
}                       you must master a complex network of body, eye,
}                       tail, and tongue movements as well as develop
}                       the ability to give off a large variety of
}                       scents.  Your vocal chords will be useless and
}                       in fact, it's strongly recommended that you
}                       have them removed.  There's nothing more
}                       embarrassing than involuntarily vocalizations
}                       while mating with another iguana, or while
}                       asleep at an iguana slumber party.
}
} Helpful hint #4:      Look like an iguana.  Attitude should be empha-
}                       sized, but let's face reality, it's hard to fit
}                       in if you look different.  If you find that
}                       you're being constantly ridiculed, this is
}                       usually an indication that your looks aren't
}                       quite up to par.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's subscription to "Iguana Life".


179-10    (13321 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between arpanet, BITnet and Internet?  How
> does CSNet and PhoneNet fit in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (To the tune of "Around the World in Eighty Days")
} (Or make one up, I don't care.)
}
} All together now:
}
} Arpanet's the net for me,  Send me mail!
} Arpanet's the net for me,  Send me mail!
} I've got to work, the boss is here,
} but I'll be back when the coast is clear,
} Arpanet's the net for me!
}
} BITnet is the net for me, Send me mail!
} BITnet is the net for me, Send me mail!
} There's twenty more letters to send today,
} Then I'll be caught up to last May,
} BITnet is the net for me!
}
} Internet's the net for me, Send me mail!
} Internet's the net for me, Send me mail!
} I 'talk' to women across the sea,
} Thank the stars, they'll never see me,
} Internet's the net for me!
}
} CSNet's the net for me, Send me mail!
} CSNet's the net for me, Send me mail!
} I've hacked this mailer for many a moon,
} Now when I get mail it whistles a tune,
} CSNet's the net for me!
}
} PhoneNet is the net for me, Send me mail!
} PhoneNet is the net for me, Send me mail!
} At night I sleep more comfortably,
} Knowing I'm giving to AT&T,
} PhoneNet is the net for me!
}
} The Oracle says: that's not too bad, Send me mail!
} Skip the woodchucks and chicks-and-a-half, Send me mail!
} The Oracle's in a very good mood,
} You owe The Oracle Chinese food,
} So go ahead and send me mail!


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