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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Natalie McKamey, resident of Bloomington Indiana, married?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, let's go marry Natalie! } She's winkely and catalie! } She cooks a mean-o sausage stew! } -- I hear she's kind of tattely. } } Oh, let's go marry Rosalie! } She's crinkely and cozalie! } I like her cats and you do too! } -- She's keen on dressing nattily. } } Oh, let's go marry Emily! } She's butchily and femmily! } Her marmoset is tie-dyed blue! } -- She's always acting BEMmily. } } Perhaps we shan't get wed to-day; } Perhaps we'll sail out in the bay, } Perhaps we'll seek in pastures new! } --I really don't know what to say. } } } You owe an oracle another rhyme for the third verse that doesn't depend } on the reader knowing that a BEM is a Bug-Eyed Monster.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that Anglicans are all damned for refusing to eat the Pope?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely! } } Back in 1699 when Pope Innocent died, Pope Guilty decreed that the } body be shipped across Europe, through all the reformation countries, } in order that anyone who ate a piece of the Holy Body would be } forgiven, taken back into the Catholic Church, and restored to grace. } } As the old pope's body slowly wound its way through Europe, the } condition of the body deteriorated greatly.  It is rumored to have } started a Plague outbreak in France, and in Germany, it was called } 'The Diet of Worms II' by the locals.  By the time the pope } crossed the channel in 1708, not one englishman could bear to come } near it, much less eat any part of it (besides, all the best pieces } had been taken by the Germans).  Late one evening, a group of VERY } BRAVE C of E officials stole the body and interred it in a secret } grave. } } When word reached Rome of the body's secret burial, and that NOT ONE } Englishman had partaken of the body, Pope Guilty flew into a } terrible rage and damned every member of the Church of England before } dying of a stroke.  In what seems like poetic justice, his body was } consumed by rioting, famine-stricken Romans. } } The British really couldn't care less. } } You owe The Oracle a Yorkshire Pudding and an Indulgence.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and magnificent Oracle, > > All I want to do is finish my doctorate, marry a good woman, settle > down at some steady job, and raise children and roses.  But the > doctorate is bogged down, the women ignore me, and I seem to be > fated not to have these things. > > Please tell me what my future holds.  Will I achieve this modest > ambition?  What will happen to me in the next few years? > > Thanks very much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To he who scribes such painful words, let me relay unto thee my divine } assurance that the future holds much of interest to thee, but not as } thou seemst to desire. } } First, my friend, thou wilt be blessed with doctorates of great number, } and thy credentials shall read, "Dr.  --- ----, Professor of Underwater } Tennis, Alcove-jumping, and Egg-scrambling, with a minor in female } endearment and retributive contemplation." } } Secondly, thou wilst within one year become a gynecologist, and the } women will no longer ignore you but, verily, verily, I say unto thee, } they shall fight as do the pit bulls of Magladesh, and they shall slay } each other in great number to approach thine humble office and to be the } attention of thy services. } } After these events have transpired, 'o One Who Knows Not What the Hell } He Will Be, thou shalt have thy youth among thee, and thy house will } swarm with thine offspring, like the Great Sack of Balcutto, and they } shall surround the like the Moths of Gerpoli.  Thy spouse will be a } woman of great insignificance, yea, like Aristapoi of Beelzuri, and she } shall be forever indebted to thee, for reasons I darest not recount. } } May all of thy wishes, (except for the one about the goldfish, the } hand-grenade, and swiss cheese), come true. } } You owe the Oracle a retelling of Babe Ruth's historectomy, and a } lifetime supply of Vegamite.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the left half of your brain know what the right half is doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course the left half of my brain knows what the right side is } doing!...  it's scheming to take over the left side!...  I just hope } that the right side doesn't know that the left side is planning the same } thing!...  What was that?..  Uh-oh, he's on to me!...  Hey, what are you } planning?!...  None of your business! } } [Since the left side of the Oracle's brain is now separated from the }  right side, you can strill address all artistic questions to iuvax, }  however, you should send your technical problems to }  oracle@charon.mit.edu] } } You owe the Oracle a VERY good systems analyst (No they don't!) Shut } up!....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pastry or sex?  Pastry or sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's both pastry -- _and_ sex!  It's the new life-sized, extra-sexy, } Pillsbury Dough Girl!  She's the only woman who's happy with a permanent } yeast infection!  Bake her until she's golden brown, and you've got some } Poppin' Fresh Hot Sex!  And if you're tired of her afterwards, you can } eat her -- from head to toe -- and get another of her!  Keep several of } her in your refrigerator -- you'll always be able to have a hot dinner } date any night of the week!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the stupidest name for a space pirate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's all a matter of taste really, but the Oracle suggests that the } following names are pretty bloody stupid: } }  10. Florence }   9. Joe the Stupidly-Named Space Pirate }   8. Joe "really quite scary" Smith }   7. The Sound of Three Dead Men Wilson (Esq.) }   6. Kinko the Kid-Loving Clown }   5. Liverpuddly Everton-Smith the Fifty-Second }   4. Gwynysthykwang`ll Thngmybb }   3. Kevin "Pretty-Boy" Heath }   2. Krog the Very Messy }   1. Ronald Ray-gun

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you sitting comfortably?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, now that you mention it.  I am curled up with one leg under my butt } and the other one stuck under my armpit.  My left arm has somehow been } stuffed into St.  Amagon's mouth, and he has very long teeth.  I am } suspended upside down in a net over a pool of boiling alligators.  A } dentist has poked her drill into my left molars and is probably writing } her initials there.  I am being force-fed abalone sushi and it is } socially unacceptable to say that it is rather like chewing on my own } cheek, except more highly spiced.  I have been stuck on skiis and I am } currently hurtling toward a precipice at something over 800 miles a } second.  I am listening to three operas simultaneously, and I can't } understand a single word, and it is socially unacceptable to say } anything bad about it at all.  Seven carnivorous howling butterflies } have started to devour my left ear.  Fifteen rabid scientific elephants } have decided that my other ear is a suitable repository for explosive } and corrosive vapors, and who the heck is going to say "no" to fifteen } rabid scientific elephants?  A Space Pirate has pointed her ray gun at } me and I am being forced to walk the star-plank, which is no mean feat } when I'm curled up with one leg under my but and the other one stuck } under my armpit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the gogo girls slash my face, what does it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My friend, this is truly an ill omen.  It is written in the famed book } on the unorthodox, 'Door-to-door Salesmen and Other Mystical } Phenomenon,' that: } }       "...furthermore, the gogo girl is assuredly a } lycanthropic creature, and prefers to strike its victims by slashing } their faces..." } } Also, in the ancient 'Hindu Book of Meditation and Ford Passenger Car } Maintenence': } }       "...the gogo girls can only be described as beasts of } ill-omen.  Their affinity for odd clothing accessories is surpassed } only by their preference for slashing the faces of their victims, who } later turn into gogo girls themselves..." } } Truly, the Great Oracle feels the utmost sympathy for your case.  I } only hope that the infection caused by the facial wounds does not lead } to your eventual metamorphasis into a gogo girl, but if this does } happen, please - end your life, that you might save others.  Here are } some warning signs to tell you if you are turning into a gogo girl: } } 1)  Affinity for scarfs, bandanas, and flourescent shoelaces } 2)  An urge to sing moronic songs with little or no actual artistic }     value } 3)  Any cravings to jump into a convertible, cruise down Main Street, }     and wave at people while singing } 4)  Urges to 'break away' from 'the group' and make videos with }     aquatic mammals in them } 5)  An overwhelming desire to stick hot dogs up your nose } } If any of these symptoms occur, please kill yourself to save others. } The method of killing gogo girls is best described in Humphrey's } 'Guide to the Slaying of Indigent Rock Personalities', in which he } says: } }       "The slaying of a gogo girl is no easy matter.  First, one }        must prepare a boiling mixture of curry, fructose, skunk- }        weed, and smelling salts.  Then, decapitate the gogo girl }        with a lead tweezers, grasping the still-singing head with }        the tweezers and dipping it in the boiling solution.  The }        head should now begin singing 'We Got the Beat.'  The next }        step is most crucial. }               "Taking the head outside, stuff a garden hose in }        its mouth and turn on the water.  The head should stop }        singing, but ONLY for a few seconds.  It is while the }        head is not singing that it is most vulnerable.  During }        these critical seconds, take a silver knife and repeatedly }        stab the head.  If done properly, this should finally kill }        the gogo girl.  If not, the gogo girl will still live, and }        the above steps must be repeated." } } Good luck! } } You owe the Oracle the Belinda Carlisle collection on CD and a } 100-foot garden hose.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I become an iguana?  I've tried every magic spell I've been > able to discover, and I just don't change.  I've had an iguana costume > custom-made, and that helps, but it's still not quite the thing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish mortal.  Man fancies himself the most intelligent, complex } creature of all Earth's creatures.  His displays of nuclear bombing, and } waves of genocide are masterbatory in nature, and how pitiful he looks } as he fails in performing one of the most simple yet most self } fulfilling acts....  becoming an iguana.  We smirk as he sells his soul } for a third class witch's incantation.  We roar with laughter as he } cloaks himself in a shoddy polyeurethane "costume".  Many a times do our } sides split with mirth, watching on as the comedic element heightens. } Strip down your skins and perk your ears if the form of an iquana is } what you desire! } } Helpful hint #1:      Think like an iguana.  Absorbing the iguana }                       attitude might seem easy at first, but believe }                       me it's not.  Many have practiced for countless }                       millenia yet could not aquire that elusive }                       combination of cool reserve and explosive wit }                       that is typical of the iguana psyche.  I sug- }                       gest starting with the observation and mimick- }                       ing of iguana stances. } } Helpful hint #2:      Associate with iguanas.  Aquire their interests. }                       Engage in their hobbies, sports, social gather- }                       ings, and mating habits.  You'll know that }                       you've reached the pinnacle of acceptance once }                       you're considered "just one of the iguanas". } } Helpful hint #3:      Talk like an iguana.  Obviously, iguanas have }                       a vastly different communication structure than }                       your own.  To successfully talk like iguana-ese }                       you must master a complex network of body, eye, }                       tail, and tongue movements as well as develop }                       the ability to give off a large variety of }                       scents.  Your vocal chords will be useless and }                       in fact, it's strongly recommended that you }                       have them removed.  There's nothing more }                       embarrassing than involuntarily vocalizations }                       while mating with another iguana, or while }                       asleep at an iguana slumber party. } } Helpful hint #4:      Look like an iguana.  Attitude should be empha- }                       sized, but let's face reality, it's hard to fit }                       in if you look different.  If you find that }                       you're being constantly ridiculed, this is }                       usually an indication that your looks aren't }                       quite up to par. } } You owe the Oracle a year's subscription to "Iguana Life".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between arpanet, BITnet and Internet?  How > does CSNet and PhoneNet fit in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (To the tune of "Around the World in Eighty Days") } (Or make one up, I don't care.) } } All together now: } } Arpanet's the net for me,  Send me mail! } Arpanet's the net for me,  Send me mail! } I've got to work, the boss is here, } but I'll be back when the coast is clear, } Arpanet's the net for me! } } BITnet is the net for me, Send me mail! } BITnet is the net for me, Send me mail! } There's twenty more letters to send today, } Then I'll be caught up to last May, } BITnet is the net for me! } } Internet's the net for me, Send me mail! } Internet's the net for me, Send me mail! } I 'talk' to women across the sea, } Thank the stars, they'll never see me, } Internet's the net for me! } } CSNet's the net for me, Send me mail! } CSNet's the net for me, Send me mail! } I've hacked this mailer for many a moon, } Now when I get mail it whistles a tune, } CSNet's the net for me! } } PhoneNet is the net for me, Send me mail! } PhoneNet is the net for me, Send me mail! } At night I sleep more comfortably, } Knowing I'm giving to AT&T, } PhoneNet is the net for me! } } The Oracle says: that's not too bad, Send me mail! } Skip the woodchucks and chicks-and-a-half, Send me mail! } The Oracle's in a very good mood, } You owe The Oracle Chinese food, } So go ahead and send me mail!