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24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 9:28:34 GMT

Internet Oracularities #18

Goto:
18, 18-01, 18-02, 18-03, 18-04, 18-05, 18-06, 18-07, 18-08, 18-09, 18-10


Usenet Oracularities #18
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Oct 89 14:44:41 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


18-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle...what happens when an irresistable force
> meets an immovable object?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The object gets the hots for the force.  The force thinks the object
} won't come, so it doesn't get involved.  The force goes away and has a
} torrid affair with a spectrum of eigenvectors.  The object sits in a
} corner and blah.


18-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm straight.  Why do I keep getting engaged to lesbians?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please describe in detail everything that happened to you during your
} 40th month.  Did you play with dolls as a child?  Describe the taste of
} corn syrup.  Is this glass half full or half empty?  Tell me about your
} parents.  Were you ever traumatized by something you saw on TV?  Was it
} after 10 pm?  Open wide and saw "Ah".  Please drop your pants.  Cough.
} Again.  Was that fun?


18-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> paradigm anodyne gelatin flax, prickly pears is wonderful snax, melons
> and toffee and strangler's glue, soon the pears will come snaxing on
> you.  Right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a stupid rhyme, wasting my time, this ain't worth a dime, ain't it
} a crime?
} When you are a joke, your questions I shall choke, 'cause I'm a silly
} bloke, and go get a coke.
} If you think of it, this ain't worth shit.
} The Oracle has rapped.


18-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better: dropsy or gout?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Dropsy (more formally known as edema) does wonders for ones
} character, but gout tends to raises the IQ to enormous proportions.  If
} you can't decide which you would rather have, you better go with the
} dropsy...toes are quite important in a good sexual relationship.


18-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can't hear you because I have my head stuck in a source license.  You
> wanna know what's your problem?  It's that nobody ever said that Elvis
> Presley offered Falgoche 670 bucks if he would scheme with Stalin.  If
> you like apple, you'll love new Idzo breakfast cereal!  Would you rather
> study Anthropology or Cello?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Personally, I'd rather study the pseudo-psychological ramifications of
} the response of Smurfs to a Pavlov's dog type quasi-intellectual
} experiment.  But that's just me.


18-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will William Shatner receive the recognition he deserves as the
> finest actor of his, and any other, generation ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At the same time that Captain Kirk receives the recognition he deserves
} as the most devious starship commander of his, and any other,
} generation.
}
} You owe the Oracle all your duplicate Star Trek stuff.


18-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Every time I drink the soda at our food service, my head explodes. Now
> this is getting kind of messy and gross, not even considering the energy
> I waste regrowing my head, cleaning the stuff up, and erasing the event
> off of all the witnesses minds. (Can't let them know I'm immortal, you
> know.) What do you think the problem is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The basic problem is that your immortality is giving you a swelled head.
} Ordinarily, your head is on the verge of explosion; I am surprised that
} your friends (if you have any mortal friends, that is) haven't commented
} on it.  Maybe they have, and you just erased their minds.
}
} Soda is highly carbonated --- a single gram of soda will emit 40 cubic
} meters of carbon dioxide at standard temperature and pressure.
} Naturally, the already-stressed structure of your scalp cannot withstand
} this, and explodes as a way of releasing the pressure.
}
} Stop drinking soda.


18-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What if I can't pay you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you don't pay me, cosmic forces beyond human comprehension will
} squirt you out of the universe into the cosmic beyond, never to return.
}
} You owe the oracle two inhabited planets.


18-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         I dreamed last night that Hobbes bit Calvin's foot off.  Does
> this have an underlying meaning or is it some sort of premonition?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The underlying meaning is that your hair is an unnatural mass of webbing
} and substance, and grossly needs polishing and tailoring.  Not
} premonition.
}
} You owe the Oracle a haircut.


18-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My gerbil just underwent a spontaneous nuclear confusion.  Do I should
> what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sounds like the confusion is spreading. What you should do depends on
} whether it was cold or hot confusion. If it was hot, you had the gerbil
} up your ass and deserve to die from ratiading sickness. If cold, run for
} the hills! (And over the cliff)
} Just as long as the shrews don't reach critical Mass, everything's
} grooving.


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