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Internet Oracularities #180

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180, 180-01, 180-02, 180-03, 180-04, 180-05, 180-06, 180-07, 180-08, 180-09, 180-10


Usenet Oracularities #180    (8 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 90 11:58:00 -0500

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180    8 votes 13310 14201 31310 11231 21311 22301 11114 12122 31220 14210
180   2.8 mean  2.5   2.5   2.2   3.2   2.8   2.5   3.8   3.2   2.4   2.4


180-01    (13310 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grammercy, doth thy garter hang unstrung beneath thy knee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmmm.... Let's see......
}
} <fade> <fizzle> <fizzle> <focus>
}
} <The scene: a country hayloft, circa 1702, modern-day Delaware.
}              Grammercy, a 40-ish spinster looking type, is in a
}              clinch with Fozwarth, an 18-year-old stable boy.>
}
} G: O Fozwarth, Thou doest strain my garters so!
}
} F: Indeed my dear Grammercy, thy garters do most assuredly require
}    strain.  Doth thy welcoming, pulsating womanhood require my strain
}    also?
}
} G: O! O! O Fozwarth!  Thy strain is most compelling!  But have thee
}    care!  My garters may become undone!  And that will surely be our
}    undoing, mine and thine!
}
} F: O fair Grammercy!  I care not for thine garters!  Only that thy
}    pleasures be found in my manhood!  Release thy garters, Grammercy!
}    Release them!  Set them free to wander down thy precious thighs and
}    smooth white calves,  while I strain to achieve our ecstasy, thine
}    and mine!
}
} <fade> <fizzle> <fizzle> <focus>
}
} Looks like.
}
} You owe The Oracle _The Compleat Guide to Early 18th Century Erotica._


180-02    (14201 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Things are going according to plan.  The recursion folds reality into
> ever greater complexity.  Always more complex.  At some point, the
> complexity is such that a new reality arises as a sub-harmonic.
> Harmonics warp back upon themselves, and soon give rise to
> meta-harmonics of all orders resonating in quantale frequencies.  The
> energy of the great crystal drum is exponential.  The oscillators are no
> longer subject to Fourier analysis.  Realities have been created of all
> orders, and are still growing.
>
> But why do I feel so nervous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, it's only natural.
}
} I mean, after that explosion with the phase-emitter and your extinction
} in the meta-physical universe IV, its no wonder you aren't up to par
} these days.
}
} Take that and your close proximity to the Volendarr Negative Space
} Effects that occured when you wound up the tachyon pulse generator, I
} can see why you've got the jitters.
}
} But don't worry - these things happen.  I'm sure that the readings
} you're getting on the space distortion meter are false sums of the
} backlash generated by the folding harmonic waves.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quick escape to another dimension.


180-03    (31310 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yeah, but I think it's worth it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it has been shown existentially by Sartre that we humans are
} existence shaping our essence, the statement of "Yeah, but I think it's
} worth it!" becomes an afirmation this ultimate freedom.  For, this
} ultimate freedom that alows us, and in fact, compels us to ceaslessly
} create anew ourselves endows us with not only a responsibility to us as
} selves; rather the act of "Yeah, I think it's worth it!" becomes a
} choice for all of our species.  Through our choice we create its value,
} and decree that through our freedom we have found value for all those,
} who like ourselves, struggle with the overwhelming choices that freedom
} bestows on us.
}
} Then again, you may just be a self righteous pile of rat dump.
}
} Thus has spake the Oracle.


180-04    (11231 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there life after death?  If so, what is it like.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, finally a deep question.  I remember back when I was in oracle
} training school, we would receive endless lectures about answers to
} these very sorts of questions.  The "life after death" thing was a
} popular topic, and we heard dozens of lectures on it.  Let me go back
} and check those notes...
}
} Jan. 22, 34756 B.C. 4:32 p.m.
} Life after death is a common question.  Frequent religious theme.
} Strong preceived importance.  Refer to p. 4578 of A. Abercromb (4th
} ed.)  <Hi Lisa!>  Early experiments resulted in loss of life and
} funding.  <Are you busy Friday?>  Recent experiments have had better
} results.  <How about Saturday?>  Primary researchers are not saying
} anything.  <How about Sunday?>  They are still dead.  <How often do
} you need to brush your dog's teeth?!?>  Refer to "Unknowable Answers
} to Unintelligible Questions."
}
} There yoy have it.  You owe the Oracle a tape recording of what my
} professor actually said.


180-05    (21311 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest of the wise, greatest of the greats, person who even Elvis looked
> to for spiritual guidance when Pricilla turned sixteen and was too old
> for him...  I grovel and beseech thee to answer my call.  I know that I
> am but a pittance upon the face of the universe, and all the galaxy is
> laughing behind my back, but, nonetheless, I look to you, as omnipotent
> knower of all that is knowable to help this poor spittle in the
> universe.
>
> I have lost my harmonious link with my environment.  I am no longer able
> to speak to the trees, walk with the flowers, and eat dirt.  I have
> tried ingesting large quantities of yogurt tacos, however, the effects
> were extremely unpleasant.  Could this be divine retribution for some
> sin committed in a former embodiment?  Maybe it is because my Karma ran
> over my Dogma?  Either way, it is an enigma.  Please save this lost
> soul.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In all spiritual development, there are gains and losses, advances and
} retreats, hot dogs and icecream koans.  The Divine Powers start out
} teasing you with a few easy successes, and then make you work for the
} rest.  In your case, they slipped up and gave you the Harmonious Link,
} which you are supposed to earn in your seventeenth lifetime as a
} vegetarian.  (You have earned three such lifetimes.) Gelleriel, one of
} the angels under Uriel, was sent to give you a blessing known as the
} Harmonious Fink, a one-time occurrence in which someone betrays you in a
} way which enhances your contact with the universe.
}
} The yogurt tacos, vegetarian though they are, will be of only limited
} help.  There are ways of regaining the Harmonious Link which you wore
} for some time, but they are perilous and difficult, and only a few
} hippies have ever succeeded in doing them.  For you must journey to
} Alabama with a banjo on your knee, eating only bean sprouts and
} *granola* tacos and drinking nothing but lime rickeys and mint juleps.


180-06    (22301 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does Quebec want?
> When does it want it?
> Where does it want it?
> And does it want small unmarked bills?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quebec wants SEX
} It wants it on ALTERNATE TUESDAYS
} It wants it IN A POOL OF WARM GREEN JELL-O
} It doesn't want small unmarked bills.  It would rather have large
} unbroken condoms.
}
} Quebec wants BEER
} It wants it WITH MELTED CHEESE ON TOP.
} It wants it IN A LARGE CARDBORD BOX
} The small unmarked bills don't here help either.
}
} Quebec wants A PONY.
} It wants it WITH RIBBONS TIED IN ITS MANE.
} It wants it FOR ITS BIRTHDAY.
} I don't get those bills at all.
}
} Quebec wants SELF-DETERMINATION.
} It wants to HAVE AFFAIRS WITH MEN AND WOMEN WHILE IT IS MARRIED.
} It wants it IN A HOTEL IN DETRIOT.
} It wants to pay for it WITH SMALL UNMARKED BILLS.
}
} There we go.
}
} You owe the Oracle sex, beer, a pony, and adultery.


180-07    (11114 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lisp is the language of god,
> Fortran is the language of the angels,
> Pascal is the language of satan,
> modula 2 is the language of the devils,
> french is the language of the living,
> german is the language of the dead,
> but what is the language of dogs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's no English word for it, nor can I transliterate their language's
} name via a computer keyboard.  They communicate almost entirely by
} sniffing crotches, you see.  (Many people incorrectly believe them to
} communicate by barking, but this is clearly false--in fact, a number of
} breeds, including basenjis, never bark at all.  Barking is simply an
} extra form of communication, much like facial expressions in humans.)
}
} It would be almost impossible to describe their language's grammar or
} structure, since it is one of the most unstructured and freeform
} languages ever devised by intelligent creatures.  To give you a feel for
} what a dog's world is like, the following is an attempt to translate one
} of the works of the single greatest dog poet of all time, Husky, who
} lived in the Bronx and marked this poem on a fire hydrant in 1932:
}
}         Shit wow wow wag wag wag!
}         Meat human heat bitch fuck!
}         Warm pat scratch eat eat eat!
}         Kill flea!
}         Kill car!
}         Kill DUCK!
}
} Now, a dog, reading this poem, wouldn't see a string of words in any
} particular order; he'd sense all of it at once, and understand the poem
} not as a story, but as an observation of a single moment in time.  This
} particular poem is about a day when Husky was stuck inside, and gazed
} out the window at the other dogs, watching them play, and remembering a
} long-ago day in the park, when he'd taken (and rolled in) a particularly
} satisfying dump.
}
} I'm sorry I can't teach you more about the language, for it's a
} fascinating one.  But I hope I've given you a greater respect for the
} canine kingdom.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Bonz and a scratch behind the left ear.


180-08    (12122 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lately, I've been exploring my sense of taste.  Quite capriciously I'll
> lick inanimate objects like staplers, cars (non-moving), buildings, cars
> (moving), and red things, then make mental notes on their flavor.  So
> far, I like yellow stucco the best.  Besides my tongue getting sore and
> requiring intermittent rests, are there any potential dangers of this
> activity that I've overlooked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I think I see the picture,
} You're a taster and a licker,
} With a tongue that's quick and quicker,
} And in length exceeds a mile.
}
} Of the substances you mention,
} There is cause for great contention,
} For some are of vast dimension
} And some taste far worse than bile
}
} And some are strange and stranger,
} And facial rearrangers,
} And I fear your tongue's in danger
} And in grave risk of exile
}
} My intention's no' to grieve you,
} nor indeed would I decieve you,
} but quite soon your tongue would leave you,
} and then woe betide your smile.
}
} You must somehow soon contain it,
} To bind it and to chain it --
} Oh, I fear I can't explain it,
} For the song would take a while.
}
} So I leave you with this warning;
} It's for heeding, not for scorning,
} That your tongue should keep adorning
} The lovely feature of your smile.


180-09    (31220 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Subjective?  You, the USEnET Oracle, are accusing ME of being
> subjective???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Guard?"
}
} <thunk drag shuffle shuffle shuffle>
}
} "Uh... Yeah, Boss?"
}
} "Throw this man out of here.  I never saw him before, and he thinks I've
} accused him of subjectivity."
}
} "Titty, Boss?"
}
} "What?"
}
} "You said, HE said you accused him something about the subject of a
} titty."
}
} "Never mind that, fool.  Your pitiful mortal mind could never begin to
} comrehend the Divine Inspiration behind my every syllabic muttering.
} Now take him away."
}
} "Uh... all right, Boss."
}
} And it was done, and the Usenet Oracle moved on to interesting questions
} for a change.


180-10    (14210 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I induce maximum suffering and pain in my graduate students?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have temporarilly stumped the Oracle.  The only solution left is to
} call on Bob Villa, expert:
}
} Hi, I'm Bob Villa -- thanks Big-O!  Now, today we're going to take a
} look at some graduate students who have been hanging around the UofU for
} quite some time now.  They're looking pretty worn out and even a little
} rotted here and there.
}
} That's nothing a coat of fresh paint couldn't cure.  First we'll need to
} blast away the peeling outer shell <chain saw> ....  BWWWWWWWWWWWWW
} WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMM
}
} "Hey that was my outline!  I need to start over now!  Wahhhhh!  Boo
} hoo!" <note the pain and suffering>
}
} Hey kid, we all need to start over sometime or other but that's OK, I
} happen to have This Old Dissertation hanging around that may look at
} little dated, but with a new title.......here......and your
} name.....here...
}
} "It's as good as new!"
}
}
} Well, that's all for today.  Next time we'll visit This Old Oracle...
} BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


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