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Internet Oracularities #181

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181, 181-01, 181-02, 181-03, 181-04, 181-05, 181-06, 181-07, 181-08, 181-09, 181-10


Usenet Oracularities #181    (12 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 16 Jul 90 19:28:36 -0500

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181   12 votes 20244 14304 15222 25500 25131 23502 54210 24303 27210 31530
181   2.7 mean  3.7   3.2   2.9   2.2   2.7   2.8   1.9   2.8   2.2   2.7


181-01    (20244 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Yo! Oracle Dude! You in your Oracleness really oracle me to
> tears. Oracle this.
>         Are tennis balls as bad as tennis elbow, and does it help
> if you put Icy Hot (tm) on them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, listen up, client dude!  If you want a funny answer to a funny
} question, you've got to set it up right, okay?  You don't just ask a
} question that presupposes its answer.
}
} Here's how you should have asked your question:
}
}   Greetings, Mr Oracle.  I am an exchange student form the People's
}   Republic of China, and I am very keen to learn more about the American
}   culture.  Today I wish to know about the game of tennis, which my
}   American friend plays.
}
}   Yesterday my friend had pain in his arm, and explained that he had
}   "tennis elbow" from playing tennis too much.  Today, when he returned
}   from his lunch break, he said that he had "tennis balls".  I asked
}   what such a thing could be, and he said they were bright yellow,
}   slightly fuzzy, and about 3 inches in diameter.
}
}   I know that when I return to my home country, I shall profoundly
}   impress young women if I were to have tennis balls.  But I have no
}   experience in this game of tennis.  Please advise me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better question.


181-02    (14304 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the death penalty in Albania really reserved for people who go
> through the express line in grocery stores with nine or more food items?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh sweet mother Albania!  Land of champois wishes and caveat dreams!
} Tough Times has surely reared its ugly head and bitten Her on the ankle.
} No longer are the good old days when a hardworking man with a strong
} back can work a 16 hour day and bring home a good sized bar of soap to
} show for it.  Wary travelers be strongly advised to memorize the
} following laws, bylaws, and general practices:
}
} DECREE #1   Going through the express line in a grocery store with nine
}             or more food items SHALL BE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.  Surely a
}             person living in such affluence is a criminal.
}
} DECREE #2   The hoarding of soap, beans, toilet paper, shoes, condoms,
}             tennis rackets, dogs, microwave safe receptacles, cb radios,
}             Judas Priest cd's, cheese, oil based paints, rubber lizards,
}             wire hangers, dancing flowers, lint, mercedes benz, finger-
}             nail clippings, paper, CRAY computers, insects, miniature
}             busts of Liberace, boxes, gay rights slogans, rust, fire
}             retardent pajamas, soap, or any other scarce articles SHALL
}             BE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.
}
} DECREE #3   All women ages 12+ shall wear a scarf wrapped around the
}             head (as described in figure 18.3b) to demonstrate the
}             modesty of all good Albanian women.  Violations SHALL BE
}             PUNISHED BY DEATH.
}
} DECREE #3   All women ages 12+ shall wear clothing to reflect modesty
} >Addendum<  (see decree #3).  This WILL INCLUDE coverage of breasts,
}             buttocks, and the vagina in addtional to the head.
}
} DECREE #4   All groupings of 2 or more persons within 2 feet of each
}             other will be considered an illegal assembly.  To demon-
}             strate the State's intolerance to subversive activity, the
}             traitors SHALL BE PUNISHED BY DEATH.
}
} DECREE #5   The wearing of clothing for adornment and aesthetic
}             interests demonstrates a misallignment of priorities.  This
}             person is a cancer in the body of the State and SHALL BE
}             PUNISHED BY DEATH.
}
} DECREE #6   Washing shall be limited to once a month.  Anyone caught in
}             vioation of this strict guideline SHALL BE PUT TO DEATH for
}             his excessive vanity, and failure to conserve a scarce
}             article (see decree #2 regarding scarce articles).
}
} This primer should keep the non-Albanian head on the non-Albanian
} shoulders atleast for starters.  Keep in mind, traveler, that you will
} be in a dynamic environment where rules can change at any time.  Good
} luck.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 16 year old Zestfully clean Albanian nymphette.


181-03    (15222 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (#19/20)
>
> Who is the net.butch.goddess, and what is she like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, the Oracle chooses net.deities as the need for them arises
} in Her world.  Although the preferences of the largely male heterosexual
} community here have not yet arranged for a net.butch.goddess, I agree
} with you that this is a void that should be filled.  Therefore, the
} Dianic Oracle hereby presents the newest member of the
} net.oracle.pantheon.
}
} The net.butch.goddess is named Pat.  Pat lives in Inman Square in
} Cambridge, with her pet boa constrictor.  Pat is truly beautiful, and
} her beauty is accentuated by her crewcut, her leather jacket, and the
} handcuffs chained to the beltloops of her jeans.  Pat is the essence of
} butch, and stands out equally among men and women, straight and gay,
} butch and femme.  Pat is comfortable with role-playing without being
} tied to it.  Pat is an inspiration to the butch aspect in all of us.
}
} Hail Pat!
}
} You owe the Oracle a date, next time I'm in one of My female
} incarnations.


181-04    (25500 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle most wise and serendipitous, whose thighs never get
> those nasty cellulite deposits;
>         What does my teacher do when he's at home, and how can I take
> advantage of it to better my grade?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very apt about the cellulite deposits.  The Oracle is over 2000 years
} old, and She (yes, I'm female) could pass for a Playboy centerfold --
} well, actually she looks a bit young for that, resembling as she does a
} girl who has just blossomed into womanhood...
}
} Oh, your teacher...perverse fellow.  Well, for starters, his remarkably
} ugly wife is a man in drag.  Despite the permissive attitudes these
} days, he is still ashamed at preferring men.  Further, he has a strange
} desire to be a female film star of the 30s or 40s.  He has form-fitting
} body suits, head to toe, to make himself look like scaled-up versions of
} such lovelies as Claudette Colbert, Marlene Dietrich, and Olivia de
} Havilland, as they were in the height of their youthful beauty.  These
} are lovingly crafted by his talented and devoted "wife," who loves
} buggering men in drag.  All you have to do is casually drop hints of
} intimate details of his female impersonations:  "Claudette still too
} tight in the waist?  You ought to go on a diet!" or "Marlene chafing you
} in the buttocks?  Try talcum powder!" or "Has Dan [the real name of his
} wife] fixed that tear in Olivia yet?"
}
} Actually he does even kinkier things, but you don't want to drive him to
} suicide...


181-05    (25131 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why, Oh great one, why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the 'Manual for the Universe' it clearly states:
}
}   "'Why' is not a question, but an answer in itself.  Just as the
}   newborn bird must accept worms pushed down its gullet by the
}   much larger mother bird, so must we, as pilgrims on the yellow
}   brick road of the universe, accept that the 'Cosby Show' and
}   'The Simpson's' will soon be on the same time slot.  Eggplants
}   must roam and be free, giving birth to new, purple and ill-textured
}   eggplants to be served in cheap Italian restaurants, and we must
}   be left to ponder why.  But as we ponder the word, we are left
}   with the all-knowing satisfaction that why was not the question,
}   but the answer.  That is the reason we never knew the answer to
}   why, because we were never asking the question of why 'why'?
}
}   So when the advanced one will finally ask, 'why 'why' why?  then
}   all mysteries of the cosmos will unfold before him."
}
} The Oracle requires that you shave your armpits with a rusty epilator.


181-06    (23502 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me O Wise Oracle,
>       Should I get more intimate with my pet piranha fish?  As you
> know, I have two, in separate tanks: Doug and Dinsdale (named after
> the Piranha Brothers on Monty Python).  How does one get more intimate
> with a piranha?  Are there any risks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Getting intimate with piranha fish is a shallow endeavor.  They are
} often fickle, and if you find yourself going off the deep end, you may
} get scrod.  But if you just do it for the halibut, you may develop the
} bond of love, trust, and caring that most piranha fish need.  You will
} notice the first signs of a developing relationship when Doug and
} Dinsdale gnaw off your lower extremities.  This is their way of saying,
} 'we love you like a brother, but you need to give us more time.'
}
} Don't let this discourage you, and if necessary, you may want to date
} their friends while they are digesting your relationship.  When you
} finally wake up one morning, smell the fresh air of spring, look out the
} window of the physical therapy wing of the hospital and see the birds
} singing and the flowers blooming, and feel the warmth of that
} all-inclusive selfless love of the piranha's upon the bandages of the
} stubbs that were your limbs, you will know that you have succeeded.
}
}
} The Oracle requires that you send him a pizza with extra anchovies as
} payment.


181-07    (54210 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      During frontal lobotomies, which happen very rarely,
> (This is true) a local anaesthetic is applied, and the eye-ball is
> dislocated from the eye-socket. The patient is awake all the while
> throughout this process.
>         Then, a small needle is inserted at about a 45degree angle
> into the grey material, and is carefully rotated. What I
> wish to know, Oracle, is what the patients usually think
> while this is going on? Can the patient see through the eye that
> is dislocated? If a patient is crazy when he enters surgery,
> would he come out saner?
>
> Enlighten me...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having just received one of these surgeries I can truthfully state:
}
}   #  I could see around corners with the eye.
}
} And,
}
}   #  I had a strange taste of vanilla.
}
} You owe the oracle your forebrain.


181-08    (24303 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a life before death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before death, there were two spirits named BROKOLI and FLUBBAGE, and
} they waltzed on the formless waters.  And Lo!  They grew tired of
} waltzing without music, for the waves upon the formless waters were not
} keeping very good time.  And BROKOLI did say unto FLUBBAGE, "Whoa, baby,
} but these waters are not keeping very good time!  How's about we go
} create ourselves a funky new spirit, which will keep better time for
} us?" And FLUBBAGE did answer BROKOLI, saying "??8* snort belch //= DD
} snort", and BROKOLI was mightily confused.
}
} And BROKOLI did speak again to FLUBBAGE, saying "Yo, baby!  What say we
} go make us a new spirit for to play us some proper mew-sick!" And
} FLUBBAGE did make answer again unto BROKOLI, saying "#!8* snort //SYSIN
} DD *".  And BROKOLI again was mightily confused.
}
} And BROKOLI did speak a third time to FLUBBAGE, saying "Hey, big guy!
} You just stepped on my appendage again!  How's about we create us a
} whole big flat place with a band with great big amps, so's we can RUMBA
} up a storm!" And FLUBBAGE did make answer yet again unto BROKOLI, saying
} "%%@8* snort //JOBNAME JOB (5,101) "John Doe" ".  And BROKOLI was sorely
} perplexed, and she did leave off from dancing.
}
} And while FLUBBAGE did continue to dance without noticing that his
} partner was gone, BROKOLI did sit upon the waters, and there she did
} write her a specification.  And she did write the specification in good
} plain English, and then again in good literary French, and then again in
} second-order predicate calculus with circles and triangles and a
} paragraph on the back describing each one.  And she did give this
} specification unto WOMBAT, who was in the habit of building things in
} those days.
}
} And WOMBAT did read the specifications, and gathered up his tools, and
} bought plywood and marshmallows and tin foil, high-impact plastic resins
} and low-density fibers and medium-spiced General Gao's Chicken, and the
} other necessary components for his task.  And he did pound and tinker
} and screw, and he did follow the specifications except that they were
} upside down when he read them, and rather than a dance floor with a good
} band, he did build a life before death.
}
} And that is what happened at the beginning of time, and you have got to
} deal with it in your own life, for it is the Truth, and the Truth shall
} help you find a condominium.


181-09    (27210 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oracle of all greatness, one could never imagine, please answer
> me this great question of life and love.  I work hard for a living, and
> go to school full time.  I have a wonderful girlfriend who can do some
> pretty imaginary things with her thighs...  What does my future hold for
> me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fourstep phallic impingements on femural gestation will provoke
} inordinate impalement of ethereal procreative practices.  Do not indulge
} in monolabial exchange of apocryphal intimacies.  Beware of animistic
} anathematical allusions of atavistic assonance.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Tralfamadorian Secret Police decoder ring.


181-10    (31530 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who has hair like unto a cascading waterfall of toxic foam!
> In the space of all possible Oracle answers, is there one answer you
> will not give?  What is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OOOOOOO!  A Meta-question!
}
} Let's see....
} Yup, there is indeed an answer that I cannot give. It's...
}
} <Segmentation Fault.  Core Dumped.>
}
} <Rebooting iuvax...>
} <Initializing Oracle...>
}
} You slime!  You did that on purpose!
} Just for that, Your penance will be to memorize _Godel, Escher, Bach_
} and recite it on the CBS evening news in one week's time!
}
} AND MAKE IT GOOD!
}
} You owe The Oracle the Athabascan translation of "Jabberwocky"


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