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Internet Oracularities #182

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182, 182-01, 182-02, 182-03, 182-04, 182-05, 182-06, 182-07, 182-08, 182-09, 182-10


Usenet Oracularities #182    (11 votes, 2.6 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 90 14:37:01 -0500

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182   11 votes 34310 24221 03134 33230 25211 19100 11441 12800 23420 33401
182   2.6 mean  2.2   2.6   3.7   2.5   2.5   2.0   3.3   2.6   2.5   2.4


182-01    (34310 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who were your parents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The god Hermes (always a big one for information) got the hots for this
} librarian-whore (yeah, those were the days, when librarians were really
} sexy) who worked at the great library of Alexandria in Egypt.  He
} assumed human form, seduced her, knocked her up, and she bore me.  So
} y'see that I'm a demigod right from the start.  Anyway I was a bookish
} (and scrollish) kid, and one day Hermes drops by the library and carries
} Mom and me off to this place in Delphi run by Uncle Apollo, where the
} Delphic Oracle.  a really kinky guy who lived underground, worked by
} getting sexy young girls and taking possession of their bodies in order
} to give Oracular advice.  Well, Hermes was a real trickster, but he
} wouldn't have any sun of his wearing the bodies of sexy young girls
} (screwing 'em was okay -- I had my way with quite a few of 'em both
} before and after the old Oracle possessed 'em, you bet -- the old guy
} had great taste in girl's bodies).  Anyway, after some education which
} I've mentioned, Dad sent me into the future to be the Oracle for Usenet.
} I still go back in time and visit Mom -- wonderful lady, and Hermes got
} Zeus to make her immortal.


182-02    (24221 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TELL ME: What's a nice girl like me doing in a place like this?
>
>                                           -Susie

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A nice girl.  Hah!  You're not even female.  There _are_ no women on
} Usenet.  You're a nerd in electronic drag.
}
} Just kidding.  Actually you are here out of pity for all us poor
} unattached men.  Oh, beautiful lady, will you be mine?  I'm not much to
} look at, and kind of shy, but I'm intelligent and witty...it's just that
} being in the presence of a real live woman makes me nervous and I don't
} know what to say.  I see your beautiful body and the sweet smile on your
} face, and I just can't think or act sensibly.  I'm so lonely.  Nobody
} has ever loved me.  I'm still a virgin.  I'll never find a beautiful
} woman unless some goddess like you takes pity on me and gives me her
} devotion and love.  Just think -- I could make you so happy.  I'd never
} cheat on you, my darling; I'd always be completely devoted to you.  Can
} you love me?  Is there any spark of love behind that beautiful face, in
} those sweet womanly eyes?


182-03    (03134 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In C, how do I declare a function that returns a pointer to an array of
> pointers to functions that return integers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grasp the function firmly by the scruff of its neck, and declaim unto it
} in bold and dramatic tones:  "Behold, good function!  See that thou dost
} return a pointer to an array of pointers to functions that return
} integers, and see that thou dooest so in a right timely fashion!  For
} should thou returnest anything save only what I have demanded, I shall
} flay thee and use thy furry skin for a kitchen-mitt!  And should thou
} fail to return in good time, then verily I shall set the flame-breathing
} Hounds of Usenet upon thee, and they shall tear thee limb from quivering
} limb!"
}
} See, wasn't that more satisfying than just typing
}
} int (*((*((f)()))[]))();
}
} ?


182-04    (33230 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I like to eat my own dandruff.  It's great!  I also like to pick my nose
> and eat the snot, and eat the lint in my belly-button and the stuff that
> gets caught in my fingernails and toenails.  Also the skin flakes in my
> eyebrows, the sebum and pus from blackheads and pimples -- mm, good!  Is
> this normal?  If I continue to do it in public, will it hurt my social
> life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, what you have just described is a fairly good piece of
} performance artwork, illustrating the great concern over dieting in
} modern America, the collective angst of the world over the dissolution
} of the Warsaw Pact and the reunification of Germany, and the almost
} mindboggling stupidity of network television.  This is some really good
} social commentary you have going here.
}
} However, you will probably not be able to get this through to most of
} your audience, as they will be too busy throwing up to see the subtle
} points you are making.
}
} Ignorant clods.
}
} You owe the Oracle an NEA grant.


182-05    (25211 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, if you please, what kind of eggplant is the best one for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The glories of the Aubergine
} Are vast; despite the shade obscene
} That comes to view when it is cut,
} Its taste is je ne sais pas what.
} The revelries midst Parmesan
} Set souls alight; the poor can-can
} Cannot compare with mellowed wine
} And Aubergines, the fruit divine.
}
} It isn't usual for the Oracle to offer the services of a dating agency.
} This certainly seems to be a new perversion.  The Oracle recommends that
} you should think long and hard about the future of this liaison.  Sure,
} an egg-lant can be fun for a while, but think:  what will it be like in
} a couple of year's time when the taut, glistening black skins have
} wrinkled, and the leaves have wilted?  Take my advice; you don't need an
} egg-plant, you need a banana.  Don't be scared of catching Panana
} disease, even though it is commonly and frighteningly known as `banana
} wilt'.  Although a devastating complaint, it only affects bananas.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date in a hot bed.


182-06    (19100 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Sometimes you give me answers that are serious and to the point.
> Sometimes you give me answers that are sensitive and caring.
> Sometimes you give me answers that are very funny and they make my
> mood so much better.  And then I get answers that are pathetic.
>
> Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, dear Questioner.  It depends on who the Oracle is incarnate as.  You
} know how the Oracle works:  it takes possession of the body of any
} person who gets a question.  But It is limited by the intelligence and
} wit of the person It possesses.  It really does know all, but how much
} of that all actually gets typed as a reply depends on the Oracle's
} incarnation of the moment.  Truly stupid, ignorant, dull-witted
} incarnations are little better off with the Oracle inside their heads
} than without.  Intelligent, warm-hearted, witty folk truly _become_ the
} Oracle:  their minds can support the Oracular Powers and express the
} Oracular Knowledge clearly and sweetly.
}
} Nerd's analogy:  one can write a program in C that runs on both a Cray 2
} under Unicos and on an IBM PCjr.  under an early MS-DOS.  On which will
} it run faster?  Similarly, the Oracle can "run" on a dimwit or a
} genius...


182-07    (11441 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it that my email acct is always screwed up if I use a modem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps you haven't heard this adage my dear, dear
} Delphic grandmother told me when I was but a lad:
}
}       Happens to them
}       Without fail,
}       Use a modem,
}       Screw the mail
}
} In Sir Thomas Acquinas' Summa Theologica (Fatty Arbuckle translation)
} is found
}
} 1) Man is a sinful, imperfect creature.
}
} 2) Because man is imperfect, he errs.
}
} 3) Both email and and modems are artifaces of
}       man, and are therefore subject to man's
}       imperfections.
}
} 4) Two wrongs do not make a right.
}
} 5) Since both modems and email are imperfect, and thus wrong,
}       they comprise two wrongs, which do not make a right.
}
} Therefore, modems and email always produce wrongness.
}
}
} Immanual Kant in his "Prologomena to any Future Electronic Interfaces"
} said
}
} "Email does not exist unless there is someone to read it.  One can only
} understand that one is reading email if one understands what email is.
} "Email-ness" is understood through human experience.  Human experience
} tells us that your email is screwed up when you use your modem.
} Therefore, by definition, Email (if it exists) is read by a human and
} thus is screwed up when you use your modem."
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Plato's "Republic" (Steve Jobs
} translation).


182-08    (12800 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have an awful, terrible confession to make.  Oh Oracle, I've been
> living a lie.  All this time, whenever I ask you questions, through some
> terrible bug in your mailer's software, *other* people's questions have
> been coming to ME.  I know I should have just forwarded the questions to
> you, Oracle, but I just couldn't contain my curiosity.  I peeked at the
> letters, and then, pretending to be you, I answered them.  I played on
> the gullibility of those poor people--they needed answers from someone
> immortal and all-knowing, and I fooled them into thinking that I was
> that person, when in fact I was mostly just *making the answers up*!
> Sometimes I would even play jokes, deliberately giving incorrect
> answers, just for humorous effect.
>
> I'm so ashamed of myself, I could just die.  How can I ever make up for
> the terrible crime I have committed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, keep it up.  You haven't been doing too badly.  Apart from the
} three suicides, the unhappy sex-changed guy -- uh, girl, the home
} castration, the 3 killings of relatively innocent pets, and one or two
} other things that the Oracle won't bother to mention, your track record
} is excellent.  The Oracle isn't goning to bother to waste Its time on
} answering all of this guff, so you just keep on wasting yours playing
} Oracle and don't give it another thought.  Don't be ashamed!  Just keep
} on answering so that the Oracle will have lots of time off.


182-09    (23420 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the function of snot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Snot?  Ewww.  Were you one of those children who once had a dead fly in
} your glass of milk and your mother told you "don't be a sissy; a fly or
} two a year is good for you." so from then on every year you'd catch a
} fly and eat it?
}
} Anyway, phlegm serves a number of useful purposes.  It's a great for
} third grade spelling bees.  Breaks the ice at parties.  But it's most
} important *biological* function is to get rid of the waste and trash
} accumulating in everyone's brain.  On computer systems this is called
} garbage collection.
}
} Occasionally you'll wake up feeling fine, blow your nose, and say "hey,
} look - a snot!" Of course, thinking about something dirty like that
} produces some waste in the form of more snots.  So you blow your nose
} again and think "where are all these neat-shaped snots coming from?"
} which leads to more trash in your brain and suddenly your nose is
} running big time and if you are a little perverted you think "maybe I'll
} collect buckets of it and sell it as Ghostbusters Ectoplasm (TM)." at
} which point you probably pass out from fever.
}
} A couple of points you can derive from this snot-brain linkage:
} * If you go on a date, and your date has a stuffy nose, it is probably
}   because he/she is thinking dirty thoughts about your impressive body.
} * Watch Perry Mason on TV inspect the noses of the suspects he
}   interrogates.
} * A policeman who stops you for speeding can ask you to take a
}   breathalyzer test and a snot sample.
} * If you gross yourself out sufficiently, you need not *fake* sickness.
} * Anyone plotting a death in the silent dark of night is likely to
}   give themselves away by a honk of the nose.  Thus, professional
}   assassins have learned other ways to clear their sinus passages than
}   by nose blowing.  Watch out for nose-picking - a sign of a potential
}   professional assassin.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything, just stop wiping boogers on the sofa.


182-10    (33401 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, you who so aptly compared lawyers to Swiss Cheese,
> who personally defeated Dan Quayle at Jousting,
> and who was single-handedly responsible for the defeat of the Huns
> in Ohio,
> Tell me, Please,
> What is a good use for earwax, other than as a fondue for chee-toes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ssh!  Don't say that too loudly.  I ran across this story while doing
} some hacking in military computers:
}
} Five year old Joey Weibermann, while playing in the pasture of his
} parent's Indiana farm, makes an amazing discovery!  By combining pasta
} and antipasto, there is an immense explosion as matter hits antimatter.
}
}           {{{||}}}
}             ||||
}             ||||
}        ==============
}
} Cullinary demolitions experts were brought in, determined the cause of
} the disaster, but it leaked to the USSR, which immediately launched tons
} of pasta into space, on a trajectory with Boston, Massachusetts.
} Following this was another ton of antipasto, and it looked as if all of
} New England was doomed as one glop was about to hit another.  But all
} that happened was that both loads glopped into the Charles River,
} harmless compared to the pollution already present.
}
} It was then that it was discovered - antipasto ends with an "o", not an
} "a"!
}
} And the gastronomical race was on!  (also known as the Stuff Yer Face
} Race)
}
} CIA and KGB cooks on opposite sides of the globe worked feverishly
} around the clock to unlock the secret of "antipasta".  Using cyclotrons,
} photon cannons, cuisinarts, and other common farm implements that may
} have been available to Joey, they tried to reproduce the missing "a".
}
} Fortunately, both sides have long given up.  But I have done an
} extensive personality run-down on the young Joey (mostly by accessing
} FBI files) and know that for one thing, he was prone to devouring his
} own earwax, something neither agency thought of (nor should we tell
} them)!  You can do the physics equations for yourself (Hint:  George
} Washington Carver documented much the same process with peanuts).
}
} You owe the Oracle a crate of antipasta (magnetically suspended in
} vacuum).


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