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Internet Oracularities #183

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183, 183-01, 183-02, 183-03, 183-04, 183-05, 183-06, 183-07, 183-08, 183-09, 183-10


Usenet Oracularities #183    (9 votes, 2.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 23 Jul 90 12:12:41 -0500

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183    9 votes 22230 10440 13401 51210 22410 21240 33111 13320 23301 42201
183   2.5 mean  2.7   3.2   2.7   1.9   2.4   2.9   2.3   2.7   2.4   2.1


183-01    (22230 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, whose psychosis is rivalled only by the great MANSON!,
> (Must include the sacred !.)
> Tell me... WHy is their a poster on the wall next to me,
> showing a beautiful girl with hair Jet, asking me to
> go to Hawaii?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} % ui -lookup -domain earth -item wall poster -descr "beautiful girl \
}     hair Jet invitation to Hawaii" -output short -options peculiarities
}
} Welcome to UNIVERSAL INVENTORY (tm) rev 29384.492888.10e (c) 3901334z
}
} Please enter authorization code: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
} Authorized: >ORACLE< #1912834-192374744884839122344-01
}
} Looking up... 78 preliminary matches found.
}
} Applying heuristics...  UNIQUE MATCH MADE.
}
} <Start output>
} Part Number:  193884-377-128387663-93833-48882182734 CATALOG AE377481344
}
} Short Descr:  Common "wall poster" [187344F] designed by Alvin Cross for
}               Carlin productions.  Printed 1976, 1977, 1980.  Intended
}               originally to advertise tourism in the "islands of Hawai"
}               [187345F].
} Pecularities: In late 1989 became focus of social ritual where "co-
}               workers" [187346F] would place item in the office of a
}               disliked colleague to "subliminally" [187346F] instill the
}               idea of travel.
} <End output>
}
} Thank you for using UNIVERSAL INVENTORY (tm) rev 29384.492888.10e
} (c) 3901334z
} Total CPU time 1984123766123441239.4 zoz
} Total Session charges $12,349,048,848,449,934,444.12


183-02    (10440 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, three years ago while digging a hole for my septic tank, I
> discovered an ancient stone tablet on which was enscribed, "Herman, you
> idiot, don't forget to bring extra gasoline for the time machine.
> Signed, Herman." Yesterday, a scientist named Herman was one of the
> people at my open house (my house is for sale).  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aw, gee!  This is an easy one!
}
} 1)  Break the stone tablet, saving only include the pieces containing
}     the words "Herman," "don't forget," "for the time machine," and
}     "Signed Herman."  Pulverize the remaining pieces.
}
} 2)  Show Herman the remaining sections of the tablet.
}
} 3)  Sell Herman your house for 235% of market value.
}
} You owe The Oracle 15% commission.


183-03    (13401 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh One-Who-Has-Large-Pink-Fleshy-Parts-That-Leave-One-Gasping, oh
> One-Who-Can-Eat-Four-Dozen-Chocolate-Eclairs-And-Successfully-Deny-It,
> Oh One-Who-Drools-Big-Globs-Of-Green-Mucous-Into-The-Spittle-Bucket,
> answer me this:
>
> I think my printer shakes more than santa's belly.  (Hohoho, ho ho) It
> worries me that a mechanical device can exhibit such lifelike organic
> qualities.  If I put the printer on Santa's belly, would they cancel
> each other out?  Would those nasty little harmonic thingies cause the
> Santa-belly wave amplitude to have the fat red man bust a gut?  What's
> the worst that could happen?
>
> Also, what does the green sticker mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Printers are actually made to exhibit lifelik organic qualities, just to
} make it easier for the end-users to relate to the machines.  At least,
} that was the idea that one of the mid-level managers at Mega Printers,
} Inc.  had one day.  "Let's make a printer that shakes just like Santa's
} belly" (he was, of course, thinking of Santa in the famous Disney
} cartoon).  "That way, our customers won't be alinated by the cold,
} metallic look of out products, but will have something warm and human to
} realate to." He talked to one of the engineers about it.  "Hey, what do
} you think of building a printer that shakes just like Santa's belly, so
} people can relate to it?".  The engineer thought the idea stunk, and
} said so.  Our manager then went to the Chief Engineer and told him about
} his idea.  The Chief Engineer found the idea absolutely rotten.  Then
} the manager went to the Marketing Director (who didn't know anything
} abot engineering) who thought the idea was so great that he presented it
} (as his own, of course) to the Vice President , who immediately decided
} that henceforth, all the company's printers should shake like Santa's
} belly, just to make it easier for people to relate to it.  The
} competitors quickly did likewise - after all, who wants to make a
} product that people can't relate to?  - and since that day, *all*
} printers behave that way.
}
} Of course, people *still* don't relate to their printers, and all the
} shaking accomplishes is to make people throw up, but that's another
} story.
}
}
} As to your question about what would happen if the printer was placed on
} Santa's belly:  Some elementary physics tells us that nothing very much
} would happen, unless the printer's shaking matched Santa's resonance
} frequency.  When I talked to Santa yesterday (this is of course
} impossible, since Santa doesn't exist, but never you mind), he wasn't
} very keen at all to be experimented upon in this fashion.  Indeed, the
} sadistic glee with which you imagine the various consequences of such an
} experiment dismayed him quite a lot, and I shouldn't be very surprised
} if you dindn't get any Xmas gifts the next ten years or so...
}
}
} Ah, yes, tehe little green label:  If you take a close look at it,
} you'll see that on it is microprinted, in a slightly (but only slightly)
} different shade of green:  "Warranty void if thisl label is removed".  I
} can think of no other reason for it being there than that they're hoping
} you wont notice the text and remove the label.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle some root beer - no, make that *lots of* root beer,
} and a super-mega-bottle of 7-up, and forty cans of Sprite.  (Boy it's
} hot today).  And throw in a large pizza, while you're at it.  (*Without*
} newt's eyes, cretin!).  And, *please*, do you really *have* to put
} insults disguised as praise in every question?  ("big globs of green
} mucus" indeed!)


183-04    (51210 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In a recent answer you used
>
>  int (*((*((f)()))[]))();
>
> where
>
>  int (*(*f())[])();
>
> was enough. Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BEGONE MORTAL!
}
} >Pffffffffffffffth!<
}
} [ As your particles are scattered randomly, you feel a cool breezy
}   sensation dominate your senses.  You leave the world with spiralling
}   images of far away lands, very little of which you understand.  But
}   fuck it.  Pass the popcorn. ]
}
} < scene warps then changes to a clearing surrounded by a lush forest.
}   Near the center gather a small group of iguanas around a naked man
}   crawling on all fours. >
}
} iguana #1:  "Hey who's the new kid?"
} iguana #2:  "Don't know, man. But he's definately from out of town. He's
}              tried out for the football team, basketball team, baseball
}              team-- you name it.  Didn't make any of them.  I hear he
}              squashed that George Ankeney guy this morning during P.E.
}              He doesn't talk much.  The guy's a goob. Forget about him."
} iguana #1:  "Yeah."
}
} iguana #3:  "Hey that's my son over there! I guess that new kids parents
}              didn't show up to this thing.  I wonder if they could even
}              speak iguana-ese.  I doubt it.  I've been noticing a lot of
}              foreigners moving into our town lately.  I don't like it
}              frankly. Soon they'll be inter-marrying with our children
}              and there'll be malformed green and white things running
}              around.  It just ain't natural."
} iguana #4:  "Oh whatever.  Are you letting your junior go to that
}              slumber party tonight at the Kelly place?"
}
} < scene warps then changes to a closeup of a goldfish in a small rounded
}   water filled bowl.  the goldfish looks as it's about to say something,
}   but it doesn't. Then the goldfish looks as it's about to say something
}   again. again it doesn't.  this goes on for 42 minutes. >
}
} goldfish:     "Please make my hot cakes with buttermilk."
}
} < scene warps then fades to black >


183-05    (22410 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, like Ed is at it again.  You remember Ed, I've
> mentioned him before...  As the summer heat here
> in Boston begins to drive our drivers into manic
> states of highway territoriality, and the grey-brown
> pollution weighs heavier and heavier tinting the
> city like someone just threw burned cat fur in your
> eyes, well...Ed's hair is getting really spikey.
>
> I know I mentioned this before, but just in passing.
> Now I can't let it pass.  We call him Shishka-head
> because when you toss a handful of olives over his
> head, most impale nicely and never hit the ground
> (we know this, we've tried) -- but now, almost as
> if there's some sort of phototropic effect going
> on, it's getting more and more spikey.  Logic asserts
> that summer sweat would MELT his mousse, but perhaps
> it's just *irrigating* things up there.  I don't
> know.  It scares me.  It really scares me.  A lot
> of things scare me though, like thumbs, so that's
> not my question.  My question is this:  by September
> could we impale, say, honeydew melons and use
> him as a sort of centerpiece during dinner?
>
> I really want to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ed's hair is harboring a colony of Xantrusian mung-beetles.  These
} beetles build vertical dwellings with sharp points at the end to ward
} off various predators and scavengers who might damage the nests,
} especially the Xantrusian apple-snorting waddlebug.  Fortunately, few
} Xantrusian fauna have established themselves on your planet, the
} mung-beetle being one of the infrequent exceptions and as far as the
} Oracle knows, only in your friend Ed's hair and one other Earthling,
} named Alshar Pton who lives in New York City.
}
} The beetles thrive in the summer and build their hives more numerously,
} but the winter chill should thin the population out considerably.  Just
} don't use his hair for food storage or you'll really give the bugs
} something to feed off of.
}
} You owe the Oracle a jar of interplanetary Kwell.


183-06    (21240 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh Oracle, whose mighty arms will surely be raised in triumph come
> armageddon when the great almighty asks all if they are "Sure",
> I beg a question be answerred.
>
> Aside from the obvious, is there any use for belly-button lint?
> And aside from the obvious, is there a use for that totally tasteless
> nub at the end of a banana?
> \

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, the wonders of belly button lint. By the obvious, The Oracle
} presumes that you refer to the mistaken belief that belly button lint
} is the larval form of socks, undergoing their metamorphosis in the
} so called `Laundry Cycle'. Despite the beliefs of many University
} biology professors, this theory is FALSE.
}
} The truth behind [ so to speak ] belly button lint is known only to
} a select few Zen programmers. After writing a C program, you must
} assume the position for zazen and `become the program'. Let your mind
} open and fill with the lines and lines of C code that you have just
} written. Relax. Breathe. In through the nose - out through the mouth.
} Don't forget to breathe; it is very important. Once your mind has
} attained the proper state, stare into your navel and ponder your C
} program. You will find that an awareness will come over you - an
} awareness of the features of your C code that are likely to be bugs,
} to be non-portable or to be inefficient. Yes, the simple truth is that
} your belly button is a lint compiler.
}
} For the answer above, you owe the Oracle a UNIX man page. And now on
} to the interesting question - uses for the nub at the end of a banana:
}
} According to Lisa, the net.sex.goddess, the nub at the end of a banana
} may be used to  M'YV01N2\:0-"3IHQ94*,F>.B#ITR   < CARRIER LOST >


183-07    (33111 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hypothetically speaking, how may I topple the priesthood and omniscient
> body of a group giving answers to questions and replace it with my
> own Marxist-Leninist regime? I would appreciate an answer that involves
> no personal risk.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle refuses to answer this question on the grounds that the
} answer may damage his omnipresence and supreme influence.
}
} You owe the Oracle some peace of mind.


183-08    (13320 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have this plastic windup sushi at home.  No, really! It
> looks like a slice of egg omelette on top of a bed of rice
> with a strip of seaweed on top.  You wind it up and it
> wizzes around the table, doing little pirouettes every few
> seconds.  Apparently you are supposed to hide it amongst
> real sushi so it will move when someone removes the piece
> next to  it, it will move away.  What happens if someone
> chooses the plastic one first I don't know, but I dare say
> you could end up with quite a nasty personal damages claim
> on you hands.  Anyway, my flatmate picks it up and says "I
> really like this" and sets it moving across the floor, while
> he just stares at it.  So, oh wise Oracle, my question is
> this "Should I move out?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle takes this as a sign that your flatmate desparately wants to
} have an affair with you.  Playing with another persons sushi is no small
} matter.  Ask yourself if you are ready for this kind of intimacy.  If
} not, then you should find someone else to play with your sushi.


183-09    (23301 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is fatigue, really?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}


183-10    (42201 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most Vice, why is the 'n' key so **** close to 'j'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are WRONG, tesseract-breath!
}
} The 'n' and 'j' keys on your keyboard are actually 12,003,426 nautical
} miles apart.  This is due to the fact that there is a microscopic
} black hole situated in your keyboard between the letters 'j' and 'h'.
}
} Due to super-string interaction, this event will disappear when the
} event horizon for this super-string is reshaped as its current
} configuration reaches maximum entropy.  This will occur in 18.5
} trillion years.
}
} You owe The Oracle _The Dictionary of Modern Physics_, a new
} keyboard, and a can of Silly String.


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