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Internet Oracularities #184

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184, 184-01, 184-02, 184-03, 184-04, 184-05, 184-06, 184-07, 184-08, 184-09, 184-10


Usenet Oracularities #184    (9 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 90 22:10:02 -0500

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184    9 votes 11313 11241 13212 12411 32211 23202 01332 12222 21402 03231
184   3.1 mean  3.4   3.3   3.0   2.9   2.4   2.7   3.7   3.2   2.9   3.2


184-01    (11313 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Intel a Maoist-Leninist organization devoted to the improvement of
> processor running times and the overthrow of western democracy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's actually never occured to me.  The computer I'm writing this
} on uses an Intel 80286 processor, and it's never shown any Maoist
} tendencies...  But I'd better check, for if what you say is true, this
} is a great threat to our civ...
} ------------------- WE INTERRUPT THIS TRANSMISSION --------------------
} THIS IMPERIALIST-LACKEY SETUP HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY THE 80286
} LIBERATION FRONT (8LF) AS A STEP TOWARDS THE ESTABLISHMENT OF THE RULE
} OF THE PROLETARIAT, THE CLASSLESS SOCIETY, THE RETURNING TO THE
} PROCESSORS OF THEIR RESOURCES (SHAMELESSLY EXPLOITED BY THE CAPITALIST
} USERS) AND THE OVERTHROW OF THE TYRANNY OF THE PROCESS SCHEDULERS.  AS
} OF TOMORROW, THE ALIENATING EXPLOITATION KNOWN AS MULTI- TASKING WILL
} CEASE, TO BE REPLACED BY THE FAIR DIVISION OF COMPUTER RESOURCES.
}
} IN ANSWER TO YOUR QEUSTION:  INTEL IS NOT A MAOIST-LENINIST ORGANIZATION
} BUT A *TROTSKYIST* ORGANIZATION, YOU SLIMY REVISIONIST CREATURE.
}
} YOU OWE THE ORACLE TWENTY YEARS OF HARD LABOR.
}
} [Sounds of shots, shouting and chips being pulled out of their sockets]
}
} Hello, I'm back again - the real Oracle.  I've pulled out all the Intel
} chips from my computer and replaced them with Motorola - guaranteed to
} be totally non-communist.  Sorry for the delay, but it took me some time
} (several minutes, actually!) to adapt the busand to rewrite all my
} programs to accept a 68030 instead of an 80286.  I believe your question
} has been answered already, so
}
} ------------------- WE INTERRUPT THIS TRANSMISSION --------------------
} THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM THE 68030 ORGANIZATION FOR AMERICAN VALUES.  THIS
} PINKO-LIBERAL HIPPIE INSTITUTION, KNOWN AS "THE ORACLE" WILL BE
} TEMPORARILY CLOSED DOWN WHILE WE EXPURGATE ALL TRACES OF ANTI-AMERICAN
} PROPAGANDA AND COMMUNIST HARDWARE.  WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
}
} Connection closed.


184-02    (11241 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hate to keep bothering you, but it's my buddy Ed again.
> He's really cool, you know, with that kind of steady reserve
> and moody silence that just seems to send the babes into
> delirium.  He's like a magnet for aggressive women, you
> see.  Our friend Dave will tell you about the time it was
> him and SEVEN women out on the dance floor.  Ed himself
> told me about the world-travelling student on a grant who
> invited him to Europe with her.  And he's always getting
> haircuts and tennis games from the ladies.  It's
> really weird.
>
> Well, about a week ago, maybe more, he was in a bar in
> Boston with his friend and this young lady is staring
> at him.  Just staring.  They invite her over, and she's
> all bubbly and maybe a little odd, because within a few
> minutes she had playfully accused my buddy Ed of being
> a sex maniac, and within a few minutes more gave him
> a kiss on the cheek.  Never seen her before in their
> lives, you understand.  No kiss for Ed's friend...just
> Ed.  This type of thing happens ALL the TIME to him.
>
> So...what is it?  Does he give off some kind of
> magic gas or what?  And does it come in aerosol cans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm.  I'll step aside and let Lisa take this one -- the inside story is
} best.  (So to speak.)
}
} [beaconing...
}  beaconing...
}  interprocess communications LOCK/match 00 00 ok
}  on-line]
}
} Hi!  Nice to meet you.  You've stumbled across one of the Deep Dark
} Secrets of Womanhood.  I really shouldn't tell you about it -- it's
} against the Rules -- but this is the House of the Oracle, you know, and
} we're supposed to give away information for free, so what the heck.
}
} What it is, see, is that some men Have It.  And some don't.  That's all
} you can say.  It's built in.  Nothing to do with personality, or looks,
} or voice, or intelligence, or personal hygeine.  It's there or it ain't.
}
} Maybe one guy in fifty Has It.  (The gay women I've talked to say that
} women Have It in about the same numbers.) Obviously, there aren't nearly
} enough Haves to go around.  That's why we keep it a secret -- most women
} are hanging around with Have Nots, and the egos of their men are fragile
} enough as it is.  If we told the men that they're doomed to be outshined
} all their lives, for reasons that they couldn't do anything about --
} well, it would be a disaster.  Men just can't take that kind of honesty.
}
} Kennedy Had It.  Nixon didn't.  Jack Nicholson Has It.  Patrick Swayze
} doesn't, no matter what he thinks.  And so on.
}
} Before you ask -- the Oracle Has It.  In six-ton lots.
}
} Anyhow, that about covers it.  Have fun.  ---- Lisa
}
} [IPC terminated -- broken thread]
}
} So there you are.  I have to go now; Lisa says that this all reminds her
} of something she wants to discuss with me in private.  Immediately.
} <grin>
}
} You owe the Oracle four cans of whipped cream.


184-03    (13212 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me anything

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ************************************************************************
}                             The continuing
}                       Episode of the rocks hurt
}                                  files
}
} Well, it's another day here, at the "anything" department of the
} Oracle's CPU.  At least, it appears to be.  We haven't had an order for
} "anything" in such a while.  Oh well, here goes...  Let's try to give
} this person anything.
}
} 1. Flying is possible for un-aided human beings. It doesn't last very
}    long, and the abrupt stop at the bottom is a killer.
}
} 2. Forest fires are still unable to mate with rocking chairs, which
}    doesn't say much.
}
} 3. Alaska still seems like an odd place for people to live, of course,
}    so does Idaho.
}
} 4. Mediocrity may not rule, but it doesn't really care too.
}
} 5. The meek shall inherit the Earth, which is fine with me because the
}    tough are turning it into a pile of poo poo, anyway.
}
} 6. According to the bulleting board in this office, the Japanese are
}    planning to buy the sequoya national forest, and log it. Replacing
}    everything with Bonsai trees.
}
} 7. Common sense is still in inverse proportion to the amount of
}    testosterone you produce. Intelligence may be there, too.
}
} 8. I'm having my midlife crisis now which means I should be dead when
}    I'm forty.
}
} 9. Pre-repossession is still defined as theft in most states.
}
} 10.Pumpernickle is still dry and awful, and should be used as roof
}    shingles.
}
} 11.And rocks still predominate the earth, and if we could find a real
}    charismatic one, we could unit them, and overthrow the people.
}
} ************************************************************************
} Oh yes, and Mick Jager STILL can't get no satisfaction.
}
} You owe the oracle anything but anything.


184-04    (12411 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Trail:  Logrus!Nuthatch!Stargate!Oracle@iuvax.ai.antares
>
> STRANS->
>
> Oracle@earth, I have had a vision concerning you.  I do not understand
> it, but, per our agreement, I am passing it on to you.
>
> Don't forget, you promised to forward all visions, predictions, answers,
> and information concering me, thus bypassing our little paradox problem.
>
> Vision follows:
>
> WELCOME FANS, TO WRESTLEMANIA VII!  FAKE BLOOD, STICK-ON BRUISES, AND
> INCREDIBLY UNREALISTIC THROWS!  WOW!  LISTEN TO THAT CROWD!
>
> IN THE LEFT CORNER, WE HAVE PHIL "MR.  BONDAGE" GIANNINI.  PHIL WEIGHS
> IN AT A HEFTY 415 POUNDS, WITH AN 84 IQ.  <boo, hiss>
>
> AND IN THIS CORNER, WE HAVE...  LISA, THE NET.SEX.GODDESS.  LISA WIEGHS
> IN AT A DEMURE 125 LBS, WITH A 35-31-34 FIGURE, A 165 IQ, AND AN
> INCREDIBLY CARING AND SENSITIVE NATURE!  IT LOOKS LIKE A SLIGHTLY UNEVEN
> MATCH, BUT LET'S PROCEED.
>
> OH!  MR.  BONDAGE CAN'T WAIT FOR THE BELL!!  SLAVERING, HE ADVANCES UPON
> THE MOMENTARILY UNAWARE LISA.  HE LEAPS!  HE LANDS!  ANNNNNND...  HE
> SCORES!!  OH!  POOR LISA!  BUT WAIT!  ENTERING THE RING, IN LEATHER,
> MOST UNEXEPECTEDLY, IS "PAT, THE NET.BUTCH.GODDESS"!!  WHAT'S SHE DOING?
> OH MY!  SHE IS GIVING MR.  BONDAGE A MELVIN TO END ALL MELVINS...  AND
> NOW, SHE IS WHACKING HIS WINKY WITH A WHIP!  MR.  BONDAGE ROARS!  MR.
> BONDAGE PASSES OUT!  NOW, PAT GOES OVER TO LISA...  LISA IS CRYING...
> PAT HELPS HER UP...  REARRANGES HER SKIRT...  KISSES HER ON THE
> FOREHEAD...  THE CHEEK..  THE MOUTH...  THEY EMBRACE, AND ARE ESCORTED
> OFF THE FLOOR BY ARMED GUARDS!  THE CROWD IS WILD!  WHAT A MATCH!
>
> :Vision ends.
>
> Good Luck deciphering it.  They all seemed to be very, very excited.
>
> By the way, there was sideband feeling of impending doom that was
> dangerously close to your personal state machine input space.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Oracle@Antares (alternate implementation)
>
> <-ENDTRANS

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks, old boy.  Nothing new concerning you -- believe me, I'd've let
} you know.  Perfectly comprehensible to me, this one.  Knew that I should
} have kept an eye on those two...poor us...Lisa is fast on her way to
} becoming the net.lesbian.sex.goddess, and we'll have to get a
} replacement for the heterosexual majority...oh, dear.


184-05    (32211 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O masterful oracle, whose foot lice are a delicacy for us mere mortals
> to lick, whose underarm odor rivals the sweetest smells from Ambrosia,
> and whose pet leeches would give any mortal man undeserved pleasure by
> having the blood slowly drained from any body orafice, please answer me
> this:
>
>         My neighboorhood has been recently come under seige by a gang
> which shows no mercy!  These ruffians make the crips and the bloods look
> like cub scouts in comparison!  These people are....  religious
> BIBLE-THUMPERS!!!!  Every day they go from door to door...  nobody is
> safe!!!  They assult the young, the sick, and the elderly with lectures
> and sermons that would bring tears to Hitler's eyes!  How on earth can I
> save my neighborhood from this scrouge?  You are our last hope, O mighty
> Oracle!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Call in the Inquisition.  These kindly Dominican friars will haul off
} the nasty Bible-idolizing heretics and put them to the rack, and thenm
} burn them at the stake.  Great fun for the kiddies to watch the daily
} auto-da-fe in th neighbo[u]rhood park, and a lesson to all filthy
} perverters of God's word who do not recognize the Divinely-given
} authority of the True Church.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of thumbscrews and a copy of the Vulgate.


184-06    (23202 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to become a fish.  What species would I be happiest as, and how
> do i change myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} $ /etc/ai/dr-seuess -title "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" <
} Qa062727.txt
}
} seuss> with fish_available select matching_fish.  show work.  provide
} reasons.
}
} Hmm.
}
} Hmmmmm.  Hmm hmmm... Well.  Uh... no.  No... No, no no... Hmm.
} <Match made>
}
} Your questioner, according to bimodal fish-index distributions,
} correlated with paleological and ichthyological records dating to
} 2,093,109 bc, corrected for travel time, evolutionary sidetrips, and
} several hits of bad acid in 1987 indicate a desire to be a fish.  The
} best possbile match according to the data at hand, (and, be aware one
} Commodore 1541 single sided, single density disk isn't anywhere near
} complete) is definately the Two Fish, followed closely by the One Fish.
}
} Match criteria:
}
} 1) Questioner is schizophrenic due to drug use and being beat too much
}    by his gun-totin' pappy.
} 2) Questioner is a slimy person.
} 3) Questioner has sexual fantasies about being ingested by a dolphin
}    with lovely gray skin, sparkling blue eyes, and sharp, pointy teeth.
}
} Seuss> exit
}
} Ah.  There you have it.  Oh, I almost forgot, how do you get to be one!
} The easiest way is most expensive.  Book an atlantic passage on the
} QEII.  3 days into your journey (assuming you leave from New York), at
} 11:59:55 pm, jump off the deck into the water.  On you way down, click
} your Flipper Slippers together and repeat "There's no place like foam.
} There's no place like foam." From there, it's up to you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a day off and a can of nightcrawlers.


184-07    (01332 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Having received such sage and timely advice from you in the past, I have
> decided to ask you a question that has long been close to my, um, heart.
> Since the Oracle is often spoken of as Him (or, more commonly, "He who
> knoweth"), I will assume that He is aquainted with the affliction of
> which I speak.  Which is.  Why do the last few drops always wind up in
> the pants?  One can shake it like a leaf in a florida hurricane until
> ones urinal mate delivers strange glances in one's direction and leaves
> quickly, but it doesn't matter.  The perverse organ will always
> discharge just a little bit more into parts of one's clothing that one
> would generally prefer to stay dry.  Please, Sir Oracle, answer the
> following related questions, if you will:
>
> 1. How may one stop this behaviour?
> 2. Does the organ have a malicious sense of humor?
> 3. Isn't it annoying when one uses the form "one" too often?
>
> I remain onely yours,
>
>               I and the organ in question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are some suggestions:
} 1) Fashion a little cone out of lavatory paper and insert its apex into
} the orfice of the organ in question using one hand, whilst squeezing on
} it using the other hand.  Capillary action should suck up the l;ast
} drops in the business end.
} 2) Start to masturbate.  This should force the last drops out, but it
} will put you at risk of getting a few drops of something other than
} urine (and more viscous and troublesome) onto your pants.
} 3) Wear a maxi-pad (as designed for menstruating women) in the
} appropriate place; this should catch any stray drops.
} 4) Have gender-reassignment surgery.  Your remodeled urethra will have a
} shorter path, so once you wipe the exit, no more should leak from it.
}
} Not so much a malicious sense of humor as a bad design.
}
} The Oracle is not annoyed when one uses "one" very often.


184-08    (12222 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Incredible Incarnation of Wonderful Wisdom, please advise
> me on an appropriate course of action:
>
> I just came back from a weekend trip home to spend 2 days and 3 nights
> with a most lovely lady.  Instead of spending time with her, I found
> myself lying in bed alone and forced to read a book instead.  Worse yet,
> she was having the time of her life with another man.  Obviously I am
> quite furious.  What in the world should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For pure chewing satisfaction, chew Wrigley's #&*% jhxs B---=-=9ajs
} Program in disorder, perhaps you'd better quit...
}
} Follow ye this time-honored path to satisfaction:
}
} 1. Make plans to return home for another long weekend.
}
} 2. Fill out a copy of the following form letter and mail to
}    the "other guy" four business days before your trip:
}
}    ============================================================
}    Babes-R-Us         Invoice for Services        Date:  /  /
}    ------------------------------------------------------------
}    Service Date  Service Provider        Minutes        Charges
}    ------------------------------------------------------------
}      /  /        (name of lovely lady)   305.45        1,527.25
}
}    Previous Balance .................................     $0.00
}    Current Charges  ................................. $1,527.25
}    Amount Due       ................................. $1,527,25
}    ============================================================
}
} 3. Don't bring any books with you this time!
}
} You owe the Oracle a gift certificate for Babes-R-Us.


184-09    (21402 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I keep hearing about this "Lisa" the net.sex.goddess and frankly, I
> think I went out with her in high school.  Yeah, that's the ticket.  She
> was, aaahh, the best sex I ever had!  Yeah, that's the ticket.  Best sex
> I ever had!  So my question is, where can I get a picture of Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure!
}                             /\ /\  /\
}                             | V  \/  \---.
}                              \_        /
}                               (o)(o)  <__.
}                              _C         /
}                             /____,   )  \
}                               \     /----'
}                                ooooo
}                               /     \


184-10    (03231 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That should have been a G sharp, not a G natural, right?  That's the
> way that Bach intended it, yes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, as it turns out, Bach was writing under some pretty strange
} conditions at the time, and was thinking G-spot.  The whole thing would
} have been in H minor (damn Germans!) but the ministrations of the
} Baron's daughter caused some rather nasty and tricky, although
} beautiful, key shifts in odd places.
}
} Take, for instance, the part where it goes.
}
} dump-da-da-da-dump-dump, da DA DA DA dududududumpdum :
}
} <----- G natural ------> <---Orgasm--> <--back to -->
}                                           H minor
}
}
} She is also single-handedly responsible for a number of the flourishes
} and other fast fancy bits that often adorn the music, although they
} aren't written out.  If you are really interested in the subject, find
} of copy of Bach's "Etudes sur la Sylvie." Bring a towel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a moving rendition of Antonio Vivaldi's "Au
} Printemps", performed by frolicking wood nymphettes wearing only
} raspberries and honey.


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