} The Oracle wishes to assure you that we at Oracle Central Dispatching
} were shocked and appalled when we heard these allegations. Acting with
} characteristic swiftness, we appointed a special Blue Ribbon committee
} of Highly Placed beaurocrats and one or two members of the cleaning
} staff to investigate these charges.
} Ah, the videotape of their findings is here now. Thanks to the miracle
} of transcript-o-vision, I can now share their findings with you
} directly! No whitewash jobs here at Oracle Central, I can assure you of
} that. Hmmm. Let's see here..
} <static. Jerky fade-in to a fat, nervous looking man in a rumpled suit.
} There appears to be a large gravy stain on his tie>
} "Ah. Ahem. Harold Greysuit here, acting chairment of the Committee to
} Unearth Nascent Targets of Sexism. We're, um, about to go into the
} corporate offices now.... Ahem..." (points at door emphatically)
} <Camera lingers on Harold for a moment, then slowly pans to face a large
} set of polished walnut doors. They swing open to reveal a sumptuous
} foyer. The floor is of polished onyx and there is a large,
} ostentatious, marble fountain in the center. Greek statues (all male)
} holding real torches stand in nitches along the wall. The camera moves
} unsteadingly into the foyer, finally focusing on a large iron door set
} into one wall. Zooming in on a thick brass plaque mounted in the center
} of the door, we see the words "The Big Boss" inscribed on it. The
} camera jerks back suddenly to Harold Greysuit, who is picking his nose.
} He pulls his finger hurridly from his nose and composes himself.>
} "Ahem. Ah, we of the committee, lest we be accused of favoritism, have
} been compelled to start our questioning at the very top. We're now
} outside the office of J. Oracle Bigthump, our esteemed chairman, who
} has graciously agreed to answer our humble questions."
} <The camera pans back to the door just in time to see one of the lesser
} assistants being pushed bodily to the door. He looks back at the camera
} with the expression of a condemned man before turning and knocking.
} There is a hushed silence, then the door swings slowly inward, revealing
} a dimly lit room. In the middle of the room stands a very large desk,
} behind which, partially in shadow, sits an even larger man. He is
} wearing what appears to be the armor of a Roman Centurion and is smoking
} a large cuban cigar. The camera moves a little closer and reveals a
} number of women lying on the floor, all of whom are scantily clad in
} leather harness arrangements reminiscent of Hollywood's idea of how
} Roman slave girls might have looked. What appears to be some sort of
} leash is attached to each harness, the other end being clasped in the
} man's meaty fist. The man looks up at the camera>
} <Harold comes forward, shaking like a palsy victim>
} "Um. Ahem. Mr. J. Sir. Ahem. I'm terribly terribly sorry to bother
} you, and you know that I would gladly eviscerate myself before even
} thinking about causing you the slightest worry in any way, but I was
} wondering if I might possibly take just the very smallest moment of your
} time to ask several extremely trivial questions that I know are
} certainly beneath your dignity to answer and I as you certainly know I
} would rather circumsize myself repeatedly with a rusty can opener than
} irritate or inconvenience you in any way whatsoever, I would just like
} "SHUT UP!"
} "Yes sir. Of course sir. I'll never speak again sir."
} <The man rises ponderously from his chair, treading on one of the
} women's fingers and eliciting a loud yelp of pain. He doesn't seem to
} "WHAT ARE THESE QUESTIONS?"
} "Well. Ahem. Sir. We just wanted to know if you'd ever, just in
} passing of course, noticed any. Um. Sexism. In the center. Sir."
} <The man sits slowly back in his chair and begins fondling one of the
} women absently.>
} "SEXISM? NO."
} "Well, sir! I am certainly relieved to hear that sir! I'm very very
} sorry to have wasted any of your precious time sir!"
} <Harold backs out of the doorway, hurridly closing the door and almost
} severing several fingers. He turns to face the camera with the relieved
} look of one who's cancer has gone into remission>
} "Well! I guess that clears that up, eh folks? No need to look any
} further, having gotten the final word, eh? Ahem. Let's wrap this up,
} shall we?"
} <The camera moves out of the foyer, showing the retreating backs of
} several committee members. As it moves into the hall, a glimpse is
} caught of several squealing secretaries in Playboy Bunny outfits being
} chased by a man whirling a mechanical eggbeater. The audio track picks
} up the sound of someone shouting "What do you mean, period?!? You'll
} put out when I tell you to, Bit-" followed by a burst of static, then a
} short test pattern as the camera is turned off.>
} So. Judging by the committee's official report, we can safely conclude
} that there is absolutely no sexism here. I hope that we resolved this
} issue to your satisfaction and encourage you to contact us again should
} you have any complaints in the future.
} You owe The Oracle breakfast in bed for a month and a blowjob.
} Sincerely yours,
} The Oracle.