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Internet Oracularities #186

Goto:
186, 186-01, 186-02, 186-03, 186-04, 186-05, 186-06, 186-07, 186-08, 186-09, 186-10


Usenet Oracularities #186    (9 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 90 15:18:03 -0500

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186    9 votes 10323 14121 13122 14121 32022 14220 03510 04140 01233 01341
186   3.1 mean  3.7   2.8   3.1   2.8   2.8   2.6   2.8   3.0   3.9   3.6


186-01    (10323 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why?              why?   why?    why?      why?why?        why?why?
>  why?            why?    why?    why?    why?    why?    why?    why?
>   why?          why?     why?why?why?   why?      why?           why?
>    why?  why?  why?      why?why?why?   why?      why?          why?
>     why? why? why?       why?    why?    why?    why?
>      why?    why?        why?    why?      why?why?           why?
>                                                               why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BecauseBecause       BecauseBecause     BecauseBecauseBecause
} BecauseBecauseBecauseBecauseBecause     Because
} Because       Because       Because     BecauseBecause
} Because                     Because     Because
} Because                     Because     Because
} Because                     Because     BecauseBecauseBecause


186-02    (14121 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So why won't she love me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not for me to answer.  You must ask her yourself.  Either do
} so, or give her the following note, or both.
}
} As payment, you owe the Oracle your utter honesty and forthrightness
} towards this woman in this matter.
}
}
} Dear Lady,
}
} I am the Usenet Oracle.  I give answers to those who ask for
} guidance.  My answers may be simple or complex, or direct or vague,
} because I am not of one mind, but of many.
}
} In this instance, the bearer of this note has asked me a question
} concerning you.  My answer to him includes this note to you.
}
} This creature bears you some affection, as you may have gathered.  He
} may not be showing it well, or he may be young, or he may be unsure.
} These things alone are not enough that you should completely dismiss
} him, if indeed you have.
}
} If he is willing to tell you, directly and honestly, how he feels
} (and delivery of this note to you is some indication of that) I ask
} that you also embrace honesty and tell him how you feel about him.
}
} I can do no more than to open the doors of communication and
} encourage you both to step through them.
}
} Remember that life is short, and love is worth the trouble.
}
}    Sincerely,
}
}    The Usenet Oracle


186-03    (13122 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and all-knowing Oracle.
>         This cute little blonde girl has asked me out!  She's a bit
> silly and has some truly weird opinions, but she's adorable and
> cuddlesome, and it's my first date in a year.  So what should I do on
> this date -- what sort of place should we go to for dinner, should I try
> to lure her up to my apartment on the first date, how far should I try
> to go with her (she really is adorable and has tidy, firm little breasts
> and a cute, compact little body)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's Sure-fire Super First Date Schedule:
}
} 7:00 PM  --  Take the woman to Plasma Alliance.  There they will give
}              you $15.00 for only one pint of plasma.  Plus, you will
}              get free orange juice and cookies.  For extra excitement,
}              donate a  pint of blood each.
}
} 7:45 PM  --  Smitty's Groceries.  Smitty always has lots of free sample
}              platters around the deli.  Remember -- 8 is the polite
}              limit per person from each plate.
}
} 8:15 PM  --  BOWLING!  Nothing says romance more than sharing a pair of
}              red-and-black bowling shoes!
}
} 9:00 PM  --  Take Hwy 45 east to Emmitsville until you reach county road
}              835.  Two miles down the road, past the one-lane bridge, is
}              a cleared off hill.  Drive to the top of the hill.  If you
}              take turns standing on top of the car on each other's
}              shoulders, you can see the movie at the Emmitsville drive-
}              in.  Don't forget your binoculars.
}
} 11:00 PM --  OK, now the date moves into full gear.  Drive the sweet
}              young thing back to your apartment.  Get out your high
}              school  yearbooks and show her all the pictures of people
}              that you thought were so dorky back then.
}
} 12:00 midnight -- While wowing her with your extensive knowledge of dog
}                   shampoos, try to cop a feel of those magnificent
}                   breasts.
}
} 12:01 AM  -- Rub face vigorously after she slaps you.
}
} 12:05 AM  -- As you listen to her drive off in her car, slink sullenly
}              back to your room and masturabte compulsively until you
}              fall asleep.
}
} You owe the Oracle two aspirin.


186-04    (14121 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have invented a new drink: espresso with an ounce of Everclear (190-
> proof grain alcohol).  Can you, O Oracle, suggest an appropriate name
> for this beverage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE ESPRESSO-EVERCLEAR DRINK, OR BARBARA BUSH'S PET
} NAMES FOR THE PRESIDENT: (from the home office on Altair 12)
}
} 10: Dragonpiss
} 09: Smelly-little-thing
} 08: The Dripping Wound
} 07: Contact Poison
} 06: Hunka-hunka-burnin'-love
} 05: Toxic Waste
} 04: The Root of All Headaches
} 03: Paint Peeler
} 02: Put it in your mouth and die!
}
} AND THE NUMBER ONE NAME FOR THE ESPRESSO-EVERCLEAR DRINK, OR BARBARA
} BUSH'S PET NAME FOR THE PRESIDENT:
}
} 01: LOVE POTION NUMBER 9
}
} You owe the Oracle one espresso machine made from human bones.


186-05    (32022 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What exactly is a Spring-Loaded Death Vagina?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, the Spring Loaded Death Vagina.  Glad you asked, as I have a
} woking model right here.
}
} Note that once the male places his
}
} SNAP!
}
} Erk...elp....ackkhhhh.....
}
} THUD
}
} You owe the Oracle a new Oracle


186-06    (14220 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do cartoon characters like Bugs Bunny, Woody Woodpecker, etc.
> disguise themselves as women in order to get the better of their
> adversaries?  Are they all transvestite perverts?  Did the people
> who made the cartoons like to cross-dress or something?  Sounds
> pretty disgusting to me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It ought to be pretty self-evident that most major cartoon characters
} actually reveal quite a bit of sexual ambiguity.  As Nordhoffen
} says in his "Psychosexualitie Der Kartoonz",
}   "The chaotic inner state of the sexual selves of cartoon
}    characters is readily revealed by their names.  Consider
}    *Bugs* Bunny or Woody Wood*pecker*.  Betty *Boop*, "Tweety"
}    Bird, Road Runner (an obvious play from "street walker"),
}    all express a sexual confusion drawn from both 20th Century
}    American culture and from the minds of the animators themselves.
}    Walt Disney was a poof."
}
} You owe the Oracle an 8mm copy of "Felix The Cat"


186-07    (03510 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How often is it that people end their questions to you with the phrase
> "Inquiring minds want to know?"  Do you dislike this practice?  Do you
> yourself read supermarket tabloids?  Are you currently having a secret
> love affair with Liz Tailor?
>
> Inquiring minds want to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, I don't mind this at all.  What I hate are the stupid
} headlines that get printed about me.  Here's a representative sampling:
}
} ORACLE BABY CRIES "SATAN DADDY!  SATAN DADDY!"
}
} ORACLE'S AMAZING NEW TOFU AND BURLAP DIET!  LOSE 6 TONS IN LESS THAN AN
} EPOCH!
}
} MICHAEL JACKSON SHOCKER:  I WAS THE ORACLE'S LOVE SLAVE!
}
} HORRID AFTER-EFFECTS OF LIPO-SUCTION:  ORACLE IS GROWING BREASTS!!!
}
} ORACLE SUICIDE SCARE:  FRIENDS SAY IT IS DEPRESSED OVER LISA'S DEPARTURE
}
} ORACLE FASHION TIPS:  LOTS OF LEATHER AND SANDPAPER
}
} See what I mean.  I suppose this is the price of fame.
}
} You owe the Oracle five nude pictures of Liz Taylor.


186-08    (04140 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Huh? What's going on?    -more-
}
}
} you feel less confused now   -more-
}
}
} the Oracle scores an excellent hit on you


186-09    (01233 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi what would be a good name to call my child.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle must confess that It is a wee bit baffled by your message.
} Since it ends with a period, it ought to be a statement, saying that
} you think 'What' would be a good name to call your child. In that case,
} the Oracle disagrees strongly: 'What' is *not* a good name for a child.
} Just imagine the scene if someone asks him/her his/her name:
}
} Q: What's your name?
} A: What.
} Q: (louder) What's your name?
} A: What!
} Q: (shouts) WHAT'S YOUR NAME!!!
} A: You don't have to shout, I'm not deaf! I've told you: What's my name!
} Q: What???
} A: WHAT'S MY NAME!!!
} Q: Why are you asking me? Don't you know your own name???
} A: No, you don't understand, I'm actually *called* What!
} Q: (incredulous) What???
} A: I SAID, I'M ACTUALLY CALLED WHAT!
} Q: Don't shout at me!
}
} and so on, ad nauseam.
}
} On the other hand, the Oracle sees the possibility taht you may actually
} have meant your message to be a question, but forgot to put a
} questionmark at the end. In that case, the Oracle's response is:
}
} A very good name for your child would be Orrie (you Americans are so
} practical, the same name can make do for both a boy and a girl), after
} the Oracle of course, whose intimates (Lisa, Lena, Barbara, Zeus and the
} rest of that crowd) at occasions have been known to address It by this
} name.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of assorted punctuation signs.


186-10    (01341 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, my Oracle,
>
> Should I write her the letter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, YOU have to take responsibility for this decision, not me.  I'm
} liable to get my god-like butt sued off despite my standard disclaimer.
} I'll just tell you what the consequences of each possible choice are,
} and you can make the final decision.  Okay?  Here goes...
}
} If you DON'T write her the letter, everything will remain the same,
} except that a small, brown dog in Albequerque, New Mexico will be struck
} and killed by a pickup truck on a dusty, deserted road.
}
} If you DO write her the letter, she'll be a little bit surprised at
} first, and won't really respond right away.  But eventually,
} misunderstandings about your intentions and seemingly cavalier attitude
} will anger her.  The anger will build over the course of several weeks
} until she is on the verge of collapse and begins to come down with
} pneumonia from walking alone in the rain.  Driven by her deteriorated
} physical and mental state, she begins to blame you for all of her
} problems and begins to seek a means of revenge.  And she'll find her
} revenge, by seeking relief in the arms of New York real-estate mogul
} Donald Trump.  You'll commit suicide after seeing her on the front cover
} of the Weekly World News.  She'll live a sickening life of caviar and
} faked orgasms, running from the world and herself by jetting from party
} to party.  But this won't last.  After several hedonistic months, Trump
} will fall victim to his own excesses and his little empire will
} collapse.  Together, the sordid duo will escape into the wilds of the
} Southwest by concealing their identities.  Eventually, the Donald will
} be killed by a roaming biker with a sweet tooth for disaster, leaving
} her an empty shell, roaming the highways in search of drugs, booze, free
} rides, and cheap sex.  One day she'll whistle a small, brown dog away
} from the side of a dusty, deserted road, just as an old pickup truck
} speeds by.  The dog will bite her on the leg, and she'll die from
} infection.
}
} Well, if you want my opinion, you don't really want to be responsible
} for the death of that dog, so you'd better write her the letter.
}
} You owe the Oracle drugs, booze, free rides, and cheap sex.


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