} No! No! Horrors!
} You have come across the one question that the Oracle does not know the
} answer to!
} Superman had Kryptonite. Green Lantern had yellow. The Republicans
} have the deficit. And the Oracle has gum.
} It was written in the original contract, you see. I'm a deity, but I
} worked my way up through the ranks. Mortal, saint (never mind by whose
} standards), angel, archangel, and finally omniscience. But I had to
} sign for it. And God is such a witty bastard, isn't he? Check your
} religious histories. He'll give you what you want, but he makes you
} sign a contract. (Yes, yes, I know. It's the Enemy that's always
} described as making bargains. Think about that for a while....)
} So what I agreed to was that I would be immortal and omniscient, until
} the day someone asked me about chewing gum. This was six thousand years
} ago, mind you, and chewing gum hadn't been invented yet. I thought it
} was a sure bet that it never would be -- who would chew something with
} no nutritive value, that you couldn't even swallow? So I signed.
} And omniscience descended upon me, and I knew how stupid people really
} were, and I knew how popular the damn stuff would be in six millenia.
} (Chewing gum, I mean, not stupidity. Well, both, really.)
} So here I am. I don't know the answer, and at sundown (the end of the
} day), I revert to mortal. Lisa will dump me, my palace will fall apart,
} I will START to DIE! **DAMN YOU***!!!*** You will pay for this! In my
} last hours, I will visit such curses upon you as the world has never
} seen! Houses will crumble at your touch! Your beer will be warm and
} your women cold! Sam Kinison will move in with you! You will be
} deported to an obscure African country in which Ronald Reagan is
} President for Life! When your mother comes to visit you, her luggage
} will arrive but she will accidentally be shipped to Hong Kong! Your
} ears will be declared obscene by Jesse Helms!!!!
} And... well, anyhow. April Fool. It was called Fruit Stripe gum
} (singular, not plural.)
} You owe the Oracle some Goat A-1 Sauce.