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17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:48:22 GMT

Internet Oracularities #187

Goto:
187, 187-01, 187-02, 187-03, 187-04, 187-05, 187-06, 187-07, 187-08, 187-09, 187-10


Usenet Oracularities #187    (9 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 90 22:30:16 -0500

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   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

187    9 votes 14220 11322 04500 23301 00540 11331 14220 22302 01440 03402
187   2.9 mean  2.6   3.3   2.6   2.4   3.4   3.2   2.6   2.8   3.3   3.1


187-01    (14220 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     O magnetic and deeply undulating Oracle,
>
>     I am an observer of life, and among other intriguing things, have
> been forever fascinated by the impressive maneuver by which a window
> washer may scrape a window clean of applied water or washing fluid with
> a supple, singular curving motion of the hand holding the squeegee.
>
>     Oracle, please tell me what the name of this maneuver is and what
> mountain I must climb and what guru I must seek to learn this motion of
> window washing beauty and grace!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a sec, need to check the Big Book of Gurus...
}
} [flip flip flip]
}
} Ahhh, page 4079, Window Washing Gurus....
}
} MASTER:  Whin Dex, Master of the rubber edge.
} PLACE:   Mount BugFree, Malaysia
} MOST SECRET MOVE:  The Cleaning Serpent, in which the squeegee is
}                    manipulated with wrist movements that are developed
}                    over long and tortuous training sessions.
} PAIN FACTOR: You'd rather eat razor blades.
}
} There you go.  Info (for once) exactly as you asked.  You owe the Oracle
} a clean windshield.


187-02    (11322 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oracle, spawn a shell,
> Which processes run in hell?
> Oracle, oracle, ego and id,
> Where are those processes hid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE> telnet asmodeus.hq.hell.org
}
} login: visitor
}
} WELCOME TO HELL:
}
} BURN, BABY, BURN> ps
}
}   PID TT   STAT  TIME COMMAND
} 666   p6   I     0:00 /bin/torture -souls -sinners
} 666   p6   I     0:00 /bin/wreak_havoc < mortals
} 666   p6   I     0:00 /etc/brimstone
}
} YER GONNA BURN!>  write satan@devil.hell.org
} Hey you big dope, where are all the other processes hidden?
} ^C
}
} BURN, BURN, BURN>
}
} message from satan@devil.hell.org
}
} Ninth level.  Now get the heaven outta here, you pest!
} EOF
}
} UNIMAGINABLE TORTURE> logout
}
} SEE YA' IN HELL SUCKER!!
}
} connection closed
}
} ORACLE> oracle -restart -answer_in_progess
}
} Well, there you go.  Don't ask me to do that again -- the long-distance
} charges are a real bitch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a great big French kiss.


187-03    (04500 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh wise and anti-Pez(tm)-like Oracle,
>
>     I have discovered that the letters of THE ORACLE can be re-arranged
> to form a number of phrases, some of which disturb me as to the nature
> of The Oracle. I am concerned that these phrases, since they are mere
> letter re-arrangements, may represent hidden meanings or motives behind
> The Oracle's actions:
>
> THE ORACLE:
> -----------
> Oh, Treacle.
> Hot Cereal.
> Creole Hat.
> Oat Lecher.
> Rectal Hoe.
> Erect Halo.
> Ether Cola.
>
> Please address this so my shameful Oracle doubts can be laid to rest.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your concern is valid, but can be easily explained.
}
} I am not "The Oracle", but rather "The Usenet Oracle".  This has a
} completely different set of re-arrangements, none more sinister than
} "use the net Oracle." (which, being a trivial anagram, is much more
} likely to be true.) All other arrangements are nonsensical.
}
} So, you see what happens if you use a false Oracle.  You must be very
} careful to use only the Usenet Oracle.  Accept no imitations.
}
} You owe the Usenet Oracle the head of the Oracle (the imitation one,
} that is.) The Usenet Oracle is hungry, and some hot cereal would be good
} right now.  (Rest assured the Usenet Oracle will safely dispose of the
} rectal hoe, the erect halo, and the rest in a safe place.)


187-04    (23301 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> could I have that last answer again. In english this time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh... Ok, but it loses a lot of it's power and feeling.
}
} The answer to your question, "What is the basic rap song template used
} by >90% of all hip-hop artists?" is:
}
} Hello!  I'm <whoever>.  I'm black.  I'm really black.
} I have a lot of money, and girls like me because of it.
} Sometime I act in a violent, anti-social fashion, but
} soceity just doesn't understand me.  I'm black.
} I'm the greatest person on the planet.  I have large
} sums of wealth.  I <do/don't do> drugs, and you should do
} the same.
}
} <3 sexual exploits or violent anecdotes>
}
} I'm <whoever>, and I'm extremely full of myself.
}
} "Sucker MCs should call me sire."
}
} I'm <whoever>.  Everyone dance.
}
} Word.
}
}
} The Oracle has gotten down.  Word!


187-05    (00540 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the real reason the chicken crossed the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No chicken ever crossed the road. That story started out as a bit of
} Nazi propaganda, regarding goals and the futility of individualism.
} The bit finished: "But the chicken was unhappy, for there were no
} other chickens on this side of the road. She was terribly lonely,
} and repented ever considering crossing the road. The solution to
} her dilemma was obvious: To return to the original side of the road.
} She was resolved, and strode ardently into the path of a Mercedes,
} thus ending her life.
}
} "Moral: Do what everybody else does."
}
} Over time, this bit of obscene propaganda mutated into the children's
} riddle it is today in America.
}
} Glad to set the record straight on that one.
}
} You owe the Oracle three virgin maidens, all between 16 and 19.


187-06    (11331 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who seems unable to make up its mind about Laura Lynn Hamren,
>
> If you fall asleep on your arm enough times, will it wither away and
> fall off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear peon:
}
} This is a form letter to let you know that you have asked a really hosed
} question.  The reason your question is really hosed is:
}
}   ( ) It's the woodchuck question
}   ( ) It presupposes its own answer
}   (x) It's answerable by only "yes" or "no", leaving no room for
}       creative meanderings that are the trademark of the Oracle
}   ( ) Your question was insufficiently vague
}   ( ) You asked the Null Question
}   ( ) You forgot your obligatory opening 'omage to the Oracle
}   ( ) Your face is ugly
}
}
} This form letter is an attempt by our new holding company, The
} Children's Clairvoyant Workshop, to increase throughput by not spending
} valuable time on worthless questions such as your own.  If you are
} unhappy with this new policy, please feel free to take this letter and
} place it deep within your digestive tract from the wrong end.
}
}                                       Sincerely,
}
}                                       Laura Lynn Hamren for
}                                       The Usenet Oracle
}
} (Usenet Oracle here...  I had to sneak in, fish this email out of the
} /spool slice, and scribble on someone's dropfile to add this -- no, your
} arm won't fall off unless you a) have leprosy, or b) put a really tight
} tourniquet on it for more than 5 hours.  Also, I'm going to have to get
} rid of this new policy, and maybe the holding company too, as it really
} cramps my style.
}
} Ps:  You owe the Oracle five dozen OJ*)(JIOPp89 JOMNI:@ P(*jhO:NLJKD
} WB(*@*UIO: HSH&*( IUNC&*(
} .3,.m*)(S/,.3m...
}     switch (index) {
}       case TELLME : foist_question_off(q_addr, q_id, &a_addr);
}                     update_questioner(q_addr);
}                     update_queue(q_addr, q_id);
}                     break;
}       case HOSED :  send_form_letter(q_addr);
}                     delete_question(q_addr);
}                     hosed_count++;
}                     break;
}         case ASKME :  get_quest(&q_id);
}                     foist_qu089JLk 2lm./,N#@mln<M>N mn@<>M#N,mN@#
} @KJH#kmln @#KJN89@NKJ#@
}  kml
} >?ASD.
} .
}
} Hay!  This is me!  Shit!
} .
} .KA
} ^Z
} <EOF>


187-07    (14220 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are so many female tennis players lesbians? (Navratilova,
> Billie Jean King, etc.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They get enough of fuzzy balls at work, so they don't need them in their
} love lives.  (The Oracle thinks maybe he made a pun there, but he doubts
} it greatly.)
}
} You owe the Oracle an account of your first sexual experience.


187-08    (22302 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail Oracle, your butt hairs are like the weeds in a mountain stream in
> july.
> Two weeks ago, when logging in, the computer asked me this profound
> question:  'What color has a chameleon on a mirror'.  Since then I can't
> sleep, eat, drink or get anything like an erection anymore.  So please
> tell me:  What color is a chameleon on a mirror???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you did not properly grovel, yea, you even dared to be rude to the
} Oracle, instead of answering your question the Oracle shall punish you.
}
} Does the set of all sets that do not include themselves include itself?
}
} You owe the Oracle the answer to Russell's Paradox


187-09    (01440 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I heard that God was getting a job in Seattle, flipping burgers or
> something like that.  What's the real story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle recognizes the widespread concern mortals have with the
} whereabouts of God.  Therefore, for the benefit of those who have been
} wondering what He's been up to, the Oracle is pleased to share a few
} recent pages of God's diary with anyone who may be interested.
}
} July 30
}   Dear Diary,
}        What a day!  After helping all those evangelists heal people by
}   television, I had to provoke more unrest between Israel and Palestine,
}   go to a half a million weddings, and watch I don't know how many
}   families full of fat slobs ask me to bless the Spam they were about
}   to eat.  I hate this job.
}
} July 31
}   Dear Diary,
}       Work is still a drag.  Every day, it's "Keep George Healthy," and
}   "Let me win the lottery," and "Let me get lucky tonight."  If I hear
}   the Lord's Prayer just ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna puke.  Mortals.  They
}   can all drop dead for all I care.
}       Before I forget, I gotta kill these people next week...
} <List was too long to include.. don't worry, you're probably not on it.>
}
} August 1
}   Dear Diary,
}        That's it!  I've had it!  I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to
}   take it any more!! I never should have volunteered for this lousy job.
}   Well, the world can take care of itself now.  I QUIT!!!! Burger King,
}   here I come!!!
}
} August 3
}   Dear Diary,
}        Well it looks like I'm back on the job.  Hell if I'm gonna let
}   Jesse Jackson take over up here!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Whopper with cheese, everything, hold the onions.


187-10    (03402 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh, most wise and rectal Oracle,
>
>     I am plagued with a question -- an argument within my people has
> surfaced regarding the product name of the gum, so popular in years past
> (perhaps 10 to 15), that had diagonal stripes in it.  The women of our
> modest village are somewhat convinced of the name "Fruit Stripes", and
> the men cannot remember the name but do not feel that "Fruit Stripes" is
> correct.  Please bestow upon us the correct name, for which we will
> provide whatever payment you request.  Your advance payment of a baby
> goat sacrifice has already been made; you will find it in the usual
> place.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No! No! Horrors!
} You have come across the one question that the Oracle does not know the
} answer to!
}
} Superman had Kryptonite.  Green Lantern had yellow.  The Republicans
} have the deficit.  And the Oracle has gum.
}
} It was written in the original contract, you see.  I'm a deity, but I
} worked my way up through the ranks.  Mortal, saint (never mind by whose
} standards), angel, archangel, and finally omniscience.  But I had to
} sign for it.  And God is such a witty bastard, isn't he?  Check your
} religious histories.  He'll give you what you want, but he makes you
} sign a contract.  (Yes, yes, I know.  It's the Enemy that's always
} described as making bargains.  Think about that for a while....)
}
} So what I agreed to was that I would be immortal and omniscient, until
} the day someone asked me about chewing gum.  This was six thousand years
} ago, mind you, and chewing gum hadn't been invented yet.  I thought it
} was a sure bet that it never would be -- who would chew something with
} no nutritive value, that you couldn't even swallow?  So I signed.
}   And omniscience descended upon me, and I knew how stupid people really
} were, and I knew how popular the damn stuff would be in six millenia.
} (Chewing gum, I mean, not stupidity.  Well, both, really.)
}
} So here I am.  I don't know the answer, and at sundown (the end of the
} day), I revert to mortal.  Lisa will dump me, my palace will fall apart,
} I will START to DIE!  **DAMN YOU***!!!*** You will pay for this!  In my
} last hours, I will visit such curses upon you as the world has never
} seen!  Houses will crumble at your touch!  Your beer will be warm and
} your women cold!  Sam Kinison will move in with you!  You will be
} deported to an obscure African country in which Ronald Reagan is
} President for Life!  When your mother comes to visit you, her luggage
} will arrive but she will accidentally be shipped to Hong Kong!  Your
} ears will be declared obscene by Jesse Helms!!!!
}
} And...  well, anyhow.  April Fool.  It was called Fruit Stripe gum
} (singular, not plural.)
}
} You owe the Oracle some Goat A-1 Sauce.


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