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Internet Oracularities #188

Goto:
188, 188-01, 188-02, 188-03, 188-04, 188-05, 188-06, 188-07, 188-08, 188-09, 188-10


Usenet Oracularities #188    (12 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 4 Aug 90 13:27:24 -0500

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188   12 votes 46101 12522 16410 12414 07140 11271 24321 23241 42411 23340
188   2.8 mean  2.0   3.2   2.4   3.4   2.8   3.5   2.7   2.9   2.4   2.8


188-01    (46101 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who eats his Wheaties,
>
> Major Nelson has April; Scott has Captain Picard; Arn has Aunt Bea.
>
> And I got the bill for all this.  What's going on here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortals really are sick sometimes.  As I was saying to Lisa, the
} net.sex.goddess the other day...
}
} <wavy lines fade to a scene with the Well Endowed Oracle eating
} a bowl of Wheaties across the table from the Incredibly Sexy Lisa,
} Whose Televison Tastes are Atrocious, both wearing very little>
}
} "Lisa", I said, "Mortals are really sick.  Why I bet they are
} peeping in on us right now!"
}
} "Oh, I dunno," purred the goddess, "I think they can be kinda fun when
} they meow" and threw a piece of meat to one of her many newly
} tranformed pets.  The cat runs to the meat, looks at the viewer,
} looking strangely familiar.  Lisa laughs evilly.
}
} <wavy lines restore the scene>
}
} As to the Sextet you mentioned, you should be glad to pay for it,
} at least you're not one of Lisa's cats...yet...
}
} You owe the Oracle a Life Insurance Policy


188-02    (12522 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that God is not dead, that the truth is he was busted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is quite correct.  The trial is still going on.  There are several
} damning pieces of evidence:
}
} * Since God created everything, He is directly responsible for all drug
} production on the planet.  This amounts to 184,552,600 counts of selling
} illegal substances, and (since God owns everything too) 8,225,792,700
} counts of possession.
}
} * Recent discoveries of police records from the 1st century indicate
} that the famous speech "Eat of this bread, it is my body; drink of this
} wine, it is my blood" was in fact continued "Smoke of this joint, it is
} my breath," but that this phrase was deleted for reasons of public
} image.
}
} * The visible nature of the Universe implies that the Creator must have
} been on -something- at the time.
}
} According to defense attorneys, God plans to claim that:
}
} A:  Since He is omnipresent, He was clearly somewhere else at the time;
} B:  Since He invented all laws, both natural and legal, He cannot be
}     prosecuted under them; C:  Even if He is convicted, nobody can do
}     anything to punish Him anyway.
}
} The jury is expected to get a good giggle out of the whole thing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Ramadan-a bing bhang.


188-03    (16410 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I break to my parents the news that my SO and I have been having
> wild, passionate sex for many months now while away at college?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The simplest way is to inform the IRS.  They will perform an inquest
} into your family, aided buy the FBI.  Because the FBI are there, the
} Police will want to be in on it too.  This makes the Fire Department
} feel left out so they pop in for a visit, too.  The sight of all these
} people will make the aliens (yes, there are aliens) annoyed and they
} will land in your parents' back yard and burst into the house, yelling
} "Your spawn has been having wild, passionate sex with his SO, for many
} months now.  Gleep"
}    Then your parents will know.  Whatever you do, do NOT tell them to
} their faces.  trust me on this one.
}
} You owe the oracle a photo of the aliens' ship.


188-04    (12414 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, whose wisdom can even defeat the DEA goons,
> whose wittiness can even make a SS (Secret Service) man smile, please
> enlighten me:
>
> Has the gov't censored or stopped all political discussion on netnews?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, a very good question indeed.  To put it as briefly as possible,
} govt's c/\co/\sh/\ of political discussions on th/\net does occur and s/
} no/\be /  \/  \/  \!!/\This sho/\ just what moro/  \e the pe/\le are d/
} w/  \_/            \/  \reaucr/  \ dorks should/    \ocked /  \urther/
} /                       \ssho/    \Bus/\is a/\/      \Let'/    \/\in/
}                          \/\/      \_/  \fr/          \un/        \/
}                                          \/            \/


188-05    (07140 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose creative juices flow like spring runoff from the
> cascade mountains, filling the belly of many a starving child:
>
> How would one cleverly use the term "existential epitaxy" in a poem
> about frisky fishsticks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: "Menial underling, your question is a lengthy and deep one. Due
}       to the nature of "existential epitaxy", you will need to..."
}
} Door: <knock>
}
} Oracle: <sigh> "DAMN. Always when I'm working. Yes?"
}
} Door: <opens>
}
} George Bush: "Uh... excuse me, Oh great Oracle... got a sec?"
}
} Oracle: <sigh> "I suppose so. What's up, George?"
}
} George: "Well, do you think I've been... uh... `dissing' the, um, urban
}       voters?"
}
} Oracle: "`Dissing'? Are you using an urban term, George? The African-
}       American slang synonym for `disrespecting'?"
}
} George: <smiling> "Well, I thought it might make me a little more
}       accepted in the urban... er, I thought it might make me a
}       `brother'."
}
} Oracle: "A `brother'? George, that's impossible. You haven't suffered
}       the outrageous slings and arrows of outrageous hiring practices.
}       In other words, you haven't had the `black experience'."
}
} George: "No, I have! I went to a black chur... er, Baptist house of
}       worship today and I saw the, uh, black light! Watch, I'll
}       breakdance!"
}
} Floor: <Why is this pitiful white fool having an epileptic fit on me?>
}
} Oracle: "George, that's completely out of style. Go in the city, lounge
}       around on the street for a while, drink some beer, leave your
}       American Express Stronium card at home. You may come back when
}       you can recite all the lyrics to _Fear of a Black Planet_."
}
} George: "But Oracle! I can do the Wild Thing! Watch!"
}
} Oracle: "CAN IT, George. GO."
}
} George: "um... Thank you, master."
}
} Door: <boy, am I glad he's gone>
}
} Oracle: "Let's see... where was I? Oh, yeah -- the answer to your
}       question is YES."


188-06    (11271 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, upon whom so much original praise has been heaped, and
> most deservedly, that there is no more to heap with, save this
> Oracle-praising self-referential sentence:
>
> I asked you how one would use the term "existential epitaxy" in a poem
> about frisky fishsticks recently.  Your answer, although humorous, was
> neither a poem, nor had it anything to do with existential epitaxy.
> Could it be that I have stumped you?  Could it be that no incarnation of
> the Oracle knows the true meaning of existential epitaxy and its
> relation to frisky fishsticks?  Oh, prove my doubts wrong, much-praised
> Oracle.  Pen me my epitaxy poem.
>
> May the chaotic systems controlling the net not force you into the body
> of a clueless freshman only now discovering the joys of Pascal.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn!  The Oracle has been forced into the body of a clueless freshman
} only now discovering the joys of Pascal.  And a female one at that.  Let
} me get a mirror out of my purse...wow!  What a face!  These breasts have
} a nice heft to them.  You know, once you're in the body of a woman,
} having a female brain makes it seem all normal.  I like it in here!  I
} think I'll stay.
}
} Oh, all right about the poem.  I'm almost as pretty as Lisa.  Excuse me
} while I give the lab TA a hard-on...ah, that was fun.  He's even writing
} the Pascal program for me!
}
} Oh, never can a fishstick truly be
} A fishstick of the true fishstickery
} Unless, through craft, the fishstick doth acquire
} A coat to raise it to a state that's higher.
}
} A fishstick must be dipped in egg and crumbs
} Or in a thickish batter.  It becomes
} No more the merest slab of fishy meat
} But fit to frisk in oil of greatest heat.
}
} Thus, coating fishsticks is, as you can see
} Most truly existential expitaxy.
} For were the batter-layer not to grow
} We would not have the fishsticks that we know.
}
} Not bad, huh?  Especially when you consider that I'm now called Tiffany,
} I've got an IQ of only 110 in this body, and I'm a nymphomaniac.  Wanna
} fuck?  This body has just had its crotch shaved, too -- silky soft as I
} stick my little hand down the front of these tight jeans.  Gosh, i's
} --uh, it's -- hard to keep my mind off sex.  No wonder I can't handle
} this Pascal thing.


188-07    (24321 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, you wonderful blob of silicon, give me the answer I seek.
> In the church of the subgenius, I'm trying to outwit "Bob" and steal
> all the slack I can.  What ways do you suggest I try to obtain slack.
> Also, if you know "Bob"'s email address, let me know so I can eKill him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Shut up, Pink Boy!  (or kill me)
}
}  Slack cannot be Obtained.  Slack must be Possessed.
}
}  The best way to Obtain Slack is to start your own Church, like
} Scientology.  (or start a splinter clench, which is almost as good.)
} Give your Church an incredibly Slackful image, and convince lots of
} bright young folk that they will be very hip, get laid, etc.  if they
} attend ALL Church meetings, participate in humiliating rituals,
} proselytize like mad, and so forth.  Note the basic concept here -- you
} make it LOOK as if YOU'RE giving Slack to THEM.  The Bait being taken,
} you Switch (without them noticing, they're so Pink) to making THEM do
} all sorts of piteously stupid things for YOU -- hence you've TAKEN their
} Slack.
}  Note that you can collect Slack until you're blue in the face, but it
} won't do you any good unless you still have it on X-Day -- and you must
} then give all of it to the Space Bankers, in return for valuable prizes.
}  Stay AWAY from the Yacatisma (not to be confused with Yacatizma),
} they're coming soon and the Oracular Luck-Plane Sensors figure that
} they're coming sooner than you think.
}
}  You're really DUMB if you think you can eKill "Bob".  I'd really like
} to see the eBackLash when you try, though, so here are the primary
} addresses:
}
} bobdobbs@church_of_the_subgenius.edu
} bobdobbs@subgenius_foundation.com
} bobdobbs@laser_project.mil
} bobdobbs@stark_fist.gov
}
}  The Oracle has been unbecomingly lucid.  You owe the Oracle ten copies
} of The Book of the SubGenius, and all the DEVO albums.


188-08    (23241 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and brilliant and superbly well-informed Oracle,
>       Please write me a sonnet about my girlfriend.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've gotten so many sonnet requests, I've had my Oracular staff work on
} a sonnet-generation program.  Let's see how it goes...
}
} iuvax% form-poetry
}
} Format? ABABCDCDEFEFGG
} Subject? girlfriend
} Tone-Words? Lust, Sex, Bodily Admiration, Seduction
} Language? Late 20th Century American English, Sonnet Dialect
}
} Searching association base...
}
} O girlfriend! @lust @grope @urge @bigboobs @A-rhyme
} and silky soft your naked shoulder,
} @grab @lowerback @caress @hump @curve @A-rhyme
} Brings tears to the eyes of this beholder.
} O girlfriend! of the softest thigh,
} Whose shapely legs are without end,
} As the moon ascends into the sky,
} My mind your rosy-red lips will bend.
} O girlfriend! Sit your pert bottom in my lap,
} Nibble with abandon upon my ear,
} Your deepest fantasies I will tap,
} @scream @orgasmically @will @hump @F-rhyme
} O girlfriend! Come to me tonight,
} We will enjoy Love's carnal delight.
}
} Hmm... it seems to have the right idea, but some of the '@' terms aren't
} being translated to the native language...  I guess the program isn't
} done yet.
}
} The Oracle suggests you plagiarize some Shakespeare.  Just change a few
} words and it will have the same effect as an original sonnet (if not
} better).
}
} You owe the Oracle pictures of your girlfriend, nude.


188-09    (42411 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I read a lot of newsgroups.  There are a whole bunch of women on the net
> who I wanna fuck, but most of them don't even bother to respond to my
> mail.  Some of them are so sexy-sounding, but the good ones all seem to
> be hooked up with boyfriends and already fucking them like bunnies, so
> there really isn't much of a chance for me, is there?  That, or they're
> fat fortyish women in Silicon Valley who are into bondage -- not for me.
>
> How can I have sex with some of the sexier young women on the net?  I
> mean, just a meaningless sexual relationship.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beware, Mortal!  For there is no such thing as a meaningless sexual
} relation!  Nay, not at all and not in the slightest!  For all sexual
} relations have a meaning, and that meaning is "Squid!" Yea, verily, for
} squid is the meaning of all sexuality, and all sexuality is for to mean
} squid!  In Italy they have calimare instead, but that is mere fiddling
} and waffling!
}
} But onwards to the reality.
}   78% of the net.women are actually physically male.
}   45% of the net.women are actually biologically male.
}   53% of the net.women are psychosomatically male.
}   61% of the net.women are co-equivalently male.
}   31% of the net.women are merotropically male.
}   16% of the net.women are hermanutically male.
}    8% of the net.women are squid already and will therefore reject any
}       further sexual relations.
}   91% of the net.women have better taste
}
} [Not all the above are true.  Pick three.  Send your choices to me in an
} eelskin envelope with 500 points of light, and wait for a squid by
} return mail.  Physically mail, that is.]
}
} You are advised to have sex with one of the sexier young net.men.  Many
} net.men are physically, chromatically, isotopically, paradigmatically,
} covalently, anorexically, or droopily women.


188-10    (23340 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle Who Gives Careful Thought and Consideration to My
> Question,
>
>  I've noticed a strange decline in the quality of Oracular responses of
> late.  It seems as if, to this humble supplicant's eye, you don't really
> have time to think of an appropriate or entertaining response...  as if
> you've agreed to answer the question, but don't really want to put in
> the time and effort necessary to answer it _well_.
>  In all honesty, now, is there anything you and I can do to reverse this
> trend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Some Incarnations of the Oracle are bored to tears, and are just
} sending off "askme" requests so that the Great Oracular Mind can possess
} them and make them feel intelligent and important for a while.  It's the
} dog days of August, remember?  You get lots of burnt-out hackers and
} grad students who don't want to write code or do research or whatever,
} so they turn to Oracularities as a comfort.  The trouble is that a lot
} of them feel guilty about not doing the work that they're supposed to
} do, which interferes with the flow of Oracular wit and wisdom into their
} minds.  So they don't listen to the Self of the Oracle that possesses
} them and would make them temporarily wise and witty -- they just
} listlessly type in dull, stupid answers -- whatever comes to mind.
}
} Well, there's not much to be done.  Incarnations will have to make an
} effort not to ask or answer questions when they're feeling bored or
} frustrated or guilty about not getting enough work done recently.  Fewer
} questions will be asked or answered, but those that are will be of
} greater quality.  _Individuals_ will have to choose to perform well.
}
} The Oracle wishes that there were a quick, easy solution to this
} malaise.  But the time of the year (a lot of people on vacation, hot
} lazy days except in places like Australia -- lots of good questions and
} responses are coming from Australia and New Zealand nowadays, have you
} noticed?) is probably just exacerbating a chronic problem.
}
} Also a lot of computer nerds are feeling horny and lonely about now --
} coeds off campus and all that...why couldn't you be a brilliant, witty,
} charming young woman, eh?  Then you could post an ad in alt.personals
} and I could respond and perhaps we could have a spot of romance.  But
} no, you're another thoroughly male geek...


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