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Internet Oracularities #189

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189, 189-01, 189-02, 189-03, 189-04, 189-05, 189-06, 189-07, 189-08, 189-09, 189-10


Usenet Oracularities #189    (10 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 8 Aug 90 17:37:41 -0500

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189   10 votes 12124 41221 32131 41311 41230 24130 20431 12430 10621 11251
189   2.9 mean  3.6   2.5   2.7   2.4   2.4   2.5   3.1   2.9   3.2   3.4


189-01    (12124 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me a lot about your current incarnation, please.  Lie as much as
> you see fit.  Thanks very much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My current incarnation is in strict incarceration,
} At excessive elevation on the Andes Trail;
} For a scurrilous invention (which has lead to my detention):
} I released at a convention one Republican male.
}
} Once I thought and I invented (though they all called me demented)
} And at last my thoughts fermented: I would make a Quayle!
} I tinkered and mechanicked, my expression oft bemanicked,
} And all who knew me panicked and hoped that I would fail,
} But my heart is seldom daunted, my brilliance often vaunted,
} and all my friends were haunted and oft turn`ed pale.
}
} At long last I had completed my most evil and conceited
} and insidious and foetid unholy Techno-Grail,
} My thoughts were scarcely troubles as all the test-tubes bubbled;
} To the GOP I smuggled my gift to one from Yale.
} That one's mind my spells infected, and so he my gift selected,
} And indeed were they elected: a familiar tale.
}
} But the Democrats discovered and around my hideout hovered,
} And with swift ether smothered my poor heart so frail.
} They entered and abducted and in a car conducted
} To a building new-constructed: my new home and jail.
}
} I raved and howled and clamoured, for I was ill-enamoured
} for to be unjustly slammered (and could not skip bail).
} And in this state repose I, though surely never chose I
} Such a grubby and uncosy and disgusting little vale;
} So until they chance to free me, you ne'er more shall see me;
} I fear they'll fricasee me or smite me with a flail.
}
} My current incarnation is in strict incarceration,
} At excessive elevation on the Andes Trail;
} For a scurrilous invention (which has lead to my detention):
} I released at a convention one Republican male.


189-02    (41221 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I increase the size of my genitals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear disciple, has the Lord our God smitten thee with such a curse
} as genitals of an improper size?  If so, I fear that there is no sure
} cure for such a dilemna.  However, I do believe that some rememdies
} have been proven to be affective.  Let me see, now...
}
} (Flip, flip, flip...)
}
} Ah, yes!  It says here in `Dewey's Guide to the Cretin Mind,'
}
}       "       In order to increase the size of one's genitalia,
}       one must endure a most painful ritual.  First, take the
}       scrotum from a live Beflakxian Yak, permeate it with the
}       odors of the offal from a carnivorous canary, and then
}       boil it in the bile from a virgin goat in heat.
}               After boiling the treated scrotum for 16 hours,
}       baste it with the blood of a schizophrenic cowboy/aztec
}       warrior.  When this is finished, the scrotum must be
}       made to come in contact with the genitals during a full
}       moon.  Do this three times, and pray to God that all your
}       bellybutton lint gets a plane ticket to Houston.  If done
}       properly, the genitals should increase exactly 1%.  This
}       ritual may be repeated as often as needed."
}
} Also, in the infamous `Bailey's Heart-Warming Trilogy on Ants and
} the Meaning of Dead Fish,' he writes:
}
}       "       Increasing the size of one's genitalia is not a
}       simple thing to do.  First, one must don a kilt, a kimono,
}       six rubidium bracelets, and an `Elvis:  The King hat'.  Now,
}       dance around the room, yelling 'Cybil has no paper, Cybil has
}       no paper!'  After fifteen minutes of this, gather up all the
}       flammable items in your home and use them to make a sacrifice
}       to Daklavnius, God of Fire and Genital Size.  Now, immerse
}       the area(s) to be affected in contact-lens solution for 3-5
}       minutes.  The size of your genitals should be at least 15
}       times what they were before.
}               Now, as for genital reduction..."
}
} As you can see, you are probably better off just trying to make do
} with what the Lord has provided.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of 'Making It,' by Dr. Ruth.


189-03    (32131 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, the DARPA sent us a vial of Lisa virus (infect a woman with it, and
> she's supposed to change into a copy of Lisa the net.sex.goddess over a
> few months) as one of the perks of our contract.  I injected my
> girlfriend, two other guys injected theirs, a female grad student and
> one of our secretaries injected themselves, and my advisor injected his
> wife and teenaged twin daughters.  They've all changed -- but not into
> copies of Lisa, but rather into copies of Roseanne Barr!  DARPA refuses
> to send us fresh Lisa virus so that we can try again -- they say that
> it's not their fault, and that if we don't finish our part of the
> contract they'll have us arrested.  What should we do?  All of those
> fat, bitchy Roseannes are driving us crazy, and they're not even any
> good in bed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, of course...  Lisa, the net.sex.goddes is copyrighted.  Anyone
} attempting to clone, or copy Lisa will find themselves subject to the
} Roseanne copy protectiong.  (It was a bitch, working it in there...  no
} pun intended.) Actually, the source code alteration necessary for the
} copying of Lisa is on line 8.  It should be
}
} WE INTERRUPT THIS ANSWER TO INFORM YOU THAT THE PENALTY FOR COPYRIGHT
} INFRINGEMENT OF LISA, THE NET.SEX.GODDESS IS REMOVAL OF THE PENILE
} IMPLEMENT NEAREST YOU...  WHICH WE CONSIDER TO BE A VERY STIFF PENALTY.
} COPYING IS INTENDED SOLELY FOR BACKUP PURPOSES ONLY, AND MAY ONLY BE
} DONE BY AN OFFICIAL REPRESENTATIVE OF DARPA THOSE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE
} ABOVE MESSAGE HAVE BEEN SHOT.


189-04    (41311 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mystical Oracular being, whose very mind is a complex
> matrix, whose great lines have no slope, whose equations aren't equal,
> whose solutions are often dependent, answer me this:
>
> I recently sent you a question where I outlined my dilemna:  I can't
> seem to communicate without using math terminology in my sentences!  I'm
> in quite a dilmena, and the only solution you offered was that I join
> your system in order to accentuate your solution set, so to speak.  If
> this is my decision, how do I get to work each day?  How much do I get
> paid?  Where do I work?  (See, there are too many variables...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Variables are not the truth and the way,
} Solution sets I do not crave,
} Differential Equations stir not my libido
}   They are slow and stupid
}     They wear blue underwear
}   I cannot drink with them,
}     I cannot wear them along with my socks.
}   They sleep like parrots in my typewriter
}     Like Mexicans, they eat hot food
}       And do not drink with me
}       Not even water
}       And boy do I need water after all that hot food.
}
}   They cause me great anxiety,
}     They cause me great constipation,
}   They make my nipples ache
}     With the ache of distilled humidity.
}   They cause me great headaches,
}     They make my string sonata sound like pigs wallowing in sludge
}   They are winkling on my butt
}     They are strangling my little finger
}   They are pulling my long hair
}     They are de-kinking my short hair.
}
}   Think thee of this:
}     They are not like thee and me.
}   They have hang gliders, yet do not fly.
}   They have board games, yet are not bored.
}   They have blueberry muffins, yet do not sleep together.
}   They have large thumbs, yet do not hitchhike.
}
}   When this becomes true, who can deny them or say where they might go?
}
}   Alas.  Alas.  Alas.


189-05    (41230 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some murder me, most just drown me, can I run away yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Have you bought and broken in your Nike Air or Reebok Pumps yet?
} If so, then run all you like.
}
} <Interrupt> $NET.BIG.BROTHER MESSAGE FOLLOWS:
}
} YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE!  YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE CLUTCHES OF THE
} NET.POLICE!  WE WILL FIND YOU, IF WE HAVE TO HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE
} EARTH!  THE ORACLE IS HEREBY ORDERED TO SUPPLY ALL PERTINENT INFORMATION
} IN ORDER TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND STOMP YOU TO DEATH!!!  SAVE US SOME
} TROUBLE AND TURN YOURSELF IN.  WE PROMISE WE WILL BE MERCIFUL.  AND
} QUICK.
}
} <End Transmission>
}
} I guess that is your answer.  <Download begins>
} I really had little choice.  The almighty Oracle has only one superior
} whom She must obey.  <Interrupt>
}
} $NET.BIG.BROTHER MESSAGE FOLLOWS:
}
} THE ORACLE EITHER OBEYS THE ORDERS OF THE THOUGHT POLICE OR FINDS ITS
} PLUG PULLED, ITS BACKUPS WIPED, AND ITS EMERGENCY BATTERIES YANKED.  WE
} HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.
}
}         SIGNED, THE THOUGHT POLICE.  AKA NET.BIG.BROTHER
}                 HAVE A NICE DAY


189-06    (24130 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>       If you put a copy of _The Elements of Style_ by Strunk and White
> in an empty room and added a copy of _Modern English Usage_ by Fowler,
> what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ***********************CONGRADULATIONS********************************
}
} You have just asked this week's MYSTERY QUESTION!!!
}
} Tell them what they've won, Lisa...
}
} .."You've won an all-expenses paid trip for two to Iraq, where you
} can spend your vacation riding in tanks, inhaling nerve gas, and
} hording Kuwaiti oil!
} .."Then, travel to the Heart of Baghdad, the Iraqi Hilton!  Two
} floors are still standing, offering the same comfort and convenience
} as _before_ it was bombed!  Swimming pools filled with various
} chemicals, the spacious smoke-filled sky, it can all be yours!"
}
} But wait!  That's not all!
}
} You get 1E62 copies of _The Elements of Modern English_ by Strowler
} White, to give to all your friends!  And you can deliver them in...
}
} ..a new car!
}
} That's right, you can deliver your 1E62 copies of _The Elements of
} Modern English_ in your new 1962 Volkwagen Bug!  (Well, it was new
} when we bought it!)
}
} Thank you for playing the Oracle Home Sweepstakes, and please try
} again.
}
} Oh, the catch?  You have to find us to claim your prize.  Tally-ho!
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifelike Vanna White doll.


189-07    (20431 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oraclo, whose hair could outsmart even Albert Einstein, yowza
> yowza yowza unto thee.  The thought of squash makes me sexually excited.
> Zucchini is pretty intense also, watermelons turn me on, but butternut
> squash is *it* for my sexuality.  Is this bad?  Should I get a sex
> change?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hate it when people don't give me enough information.  How can I
} tell if you need a sex change if I don't know what kind of sex you
} are?  What do you expect: a multiple choice answer?  Oh well, it's
} been a slow afternoon at Oracle Central today, so what the hell:
}
} PRESENT SEX     DIAGNOSIS               TREATMENT
} -----------     ---------               ---------
} None            Penis Envy              Radical "Mayonnaise" Liposuction
} XX              Horny                   Come to Oracle Central sometime
} XY              Incurably insane        Massive doses of Vitamin C
} XTC             Tone Deaf               Massive doses of rock groupies
} X11             Nerd                    Massive doses of bitblt's
} V8              Vegetable Juice         Pound Hand Against Forehead


189-08    (12430 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oh magnificent creature, whose armpits smell like the sweetest
> roses, whose breath knocks over camels, and whose "member" makes
> stallions look on in envy, tell me:
>
>         Where are all the good, single, non-gay men these days?  I've
> been looking and looking, and all I find are dweebs, geeks, a--holes,
> marrieds, and "uninteresteds".  I am an attractive female living in the
> Northeast.
>
>         Also, do you know what to do to get a computer geek's attention?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How to get a geek's attention:  look at him.  Or smile at him.  Both
} together is a sure thing.  If that doesn't work, it'll be tough.  Geeks
} tend to be either hypersensitive or hyperuninterested.  (However, with
} proper therapy, either can be overcome.  Don't give up.)
}
} As to where all the good guys are:
} Well, funny you should mention it.  Why don't you drop me a line -- my
} address is [...Oracle anonymity override...text deleted...]
}
} Hey!  Stop that, you [...override] [...override]
}
} [...interrupt.  You owe the Oracle an apology, for tempting His users
} beyond what they can be expected to handle.]


189-09    (10621 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>         Something peculiar keeps happening to me.  I'll meet a woman
> over the net, and we'll start up a correspondence, and I'll be really
> witty and charming and she'll be ready to fall madly in love with me,
> sight unseen -- and then, over a period of a few weeks, she'll write
> back less and less often and eventually won't answer my e-mail at all.
> This has happen about six times to me.  Why this same pattern, and how
> can I keep up an e-mail correspondence for longer than that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because you bore them. But don't let that discourage you.
} Keep trying. Maybe someday you'll succeed.
}
} You owe the Oracle another try for the Gipper.
}
} ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
}
} [Hi. This is the Oracle's personal secretary Myra. I
} really shouldn't be telling you this. It could get me
} fired. Or worse. But I just can't stand by and let it happen
} any longer. Don't believe what the Oracle just said. It's not true.
} The real reason you've had no
} luck with those six women is that the Oracle has been stealing
} them away from you.
} Lisa left him recently, and he's been bitter and vindictive.
} You may not know this (few people do), but He has control of email.
} He reads EVERYBODY's messages before they get them.
} When He saw the success you've been having, He became jealous.
} He sends messages to these women impersonating you,
} letting fewer and fewer of their responses actually come back to you.
} Eventually, he completely takes over the correspondence, leaving
} you in the cold.
} He's on a power trip you know. Once He's won these women's hearts
} (and, of course, you did the hard part) He casts them aside
} for someone new, leaving them shattered and hateful. I just
} can't stand to see this happen anymore. I think you deserve to
} know the truth.  Hopefully,
} this evil travesty will end. I just pray that
} the Oracle will overlook this one mail message.]
}
} :::::::::::::::::::::::::::


189-10    (11251 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, fount of all worldly knowledge,
>         Does granite really have more fun than human beings?  What about
> gneiss?  If rocks really do have more fun, how can I become a rock?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, being a rock can really suck cock
} If you're lava long cooled from our planet
} They make it a vice if you know you are gneiss
} And everyone takes you for granite.
}
} It's an igneous fate if you're feldspar or slate
} And shale's life can be simply hor'ble;
} You live short stint as an arrowhead flint
} And probably lose all your marble.
}
} It's a big hassle if they find you're a fossil
} From T. Rex's canal alimentary;
} They'll probe you for history to solve some great mystery
} Explaining, "Why, it's sedimentary!"
}
} You're stoned all the time on gravel and lime
} And gem stones all say "take a hike!"
} And it never gets better... (But I've never meta-
} morphic that I didn't like!)
}
}
} The Oracle has run out of cute rhymes without providing
} a clear answer.  Tough.


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