} My dear disciple, has the Lord our God smitten thee with such a curse
} as genitals of an improper size? If so, I fear that there is no sure
} cure for such a dilemna. However, I do believe that some rememdies
} have been proven to be affective. Let me see, now...
} (Flip, flip, flip...)
} Ah, yes! It says here in `Dewey's Guide to the Cretin Mind,'
} " In order to increase the size of one's genitalia,
} one must endure a most painful ritual. First, take the
} scrotum from a live Beflakxian Yak, permeate it with the
} odors of the offal from a carnivorous canary, and then
} boil it in the bile from a virgin goat in heat.
} After boiling the treated scrotum for 16 hours,
} baste it with the blood of a schizophrenic cowboy/aztec
} warrior. When this is finished, the scrotum must be
} made to come in contact with the genitals during a full
} moon. Do this three times, and pray to God that all your
} bellybutton lint gets a plane ticket to Houston. If done
} properly, the genitals should increase exactly 1%. This
} ritual may be repeated as often as needed."
} Also, in the infamous `Bailey's Heart-Warming Trilogy on Ants and
} the Meaning of Dead Fish,' he writes:
} " Increasing the size of one's genitalia is not a
} simple thing to do. First, one must don a kilt, a kimono,
} six rubidium bracelets, and an `Elvis: The King hat'. Now,
} dance around the room, yelling 'Cybil has no paper, Cybil has
} no paper!' After fifteen minutes of this, gather up all the
} flammable items in your home and use them to make a sacrifice
} to Daklavnius, God of Fire and Genital Size. Now, immerse
} the area(s) to be affected in contact-lens solution for 3-5
} minutes. The size of your genitals should be at least 15
} times what they were before.
} Now, as for genital reduction..."
} As you can see, you are probably better off just trying to make do
} with what the Lord has provided.
} You owe the Oracle a copy of 'Making It,' by Dr. Ruth.