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20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:34:09 GMT

Internet Oracularities #190

Goto:
190, 190-01, 190-02, 190-03, 190-04, 190-05, 190-06, 190-07, 190-08, 190-09, 190-10


Usenet Oracularities #190    (10 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 15 Aug 90 11:30:21 -0500

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190   10 votes 11404 13330 05302 22330 22231 14320 13321 11602 01603 43120
190   2.9 mean  3.5   2.8   2.9   2.7   2.9   2.6   2.9   3.1   3.5   2.1


190-01    (11404 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the fuck are all those numbers on my driver's license for?
>
> Harold Finsterwokker     MW   583-24-6992265
>   tv ss92888921 5/c/5 000 3#/b++ c- ds+ dm- v++ w- t+ l+
>   ku99 589433-883 f58RR985 933L/42W dx55 s&m0 wd40
>   99291 f=5593 330001 54/33,00.1 533E9978993004200100400231
>   48
>
> Thankkewverrimuch

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Man and Woman, social-sec. # plus three useless digits
} Transvetite, S.S.(Nazi)number, pentagonality, null, three pounds over b
}       and increment b, grade in Miss Ellsworth's social studies class,
}       likes sadism, dislikes masochism, increment v, no wife, likes
}       tits, likes licking things
} likes being kootchi-kooed very much, serial number of penis, favorite
}       airplane&least favorite president of the US&last three digits of
}       year of first lay, inside trouser leg/jacket size, distance to
}       mother's house, claims not to like S&M, likes lubricated sex,
} random number to annoy you, variable initialization for f, number of
}       times you would like to have sex before you die, IQ/waist size in
}       inches, fraction of sexual encounters that are homosexual, a very
}       large number
} age
}
} My, what a lot of work.  Didn't realize how much your license revels,
} eh?


190-02    (13330 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why doth the busy little troll
> Drink all the shining sea?
> Why doth the little busy troll,
> Now void it all as pee?" "

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The busy little troll it does,
} Drink the shining sea,
} The busy little troll it does,
} This quite happily!
}
} It does it because of its thirst,
} Which truly has no bounds,
} It does so 'cause it likes to hear,
} That wondrous slurping sound.
}
} The little troll, for unknown cause,
} Has voided that great sea,
} The little troll, delusion-raught,
} Sees it all yellow-y.
}
} Its bladder full, the little one,
} Does perch upon the shore,
} And urinates into the sand,
} To make the sea once more.
}
} You owe the Oracle some applause, specifically in bright burgandy.


190-03    (05302 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Owe grate and mistikal Orikel, whose mind is mutch smarter than mine,
> whose very sharp witt maaks mi jellus, anser four mi this simpel
> qweschon:
>
> Wenn Eye was in Hi Skool, Eye nevr did that wel in the yearlie speling
> be.  Eye seam to half improvd sum, but my speling is stil bad.  Can ewe
> give mi typs on howe to improv my speling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll read what you meant and not what you said.  When you were a lad,
} you were dropped on your head, then forced to eat truffles all poisoned
} with lead.  Now you're grown and you're wed, but your sex-life is dead.
} I can see that you're angry and your face is all red, 'cause your wife
} and her lover are off at Club Med.  I think it's a bit odd to do
} spelling instead of finding another to warm up your bed.


190-04    (22330 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This space was intentionally left blank.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, good.  Then I can fill it up with stuff.  Let me talk to you about
} concrete.  I love concrete.  I like spreading it on my bidy and letting
} it set and then chipping it off with a rubber mallet.  I also like
} stroking slabs of concrete, sleeping on a concrete bed with a concrete
} pillow, and making love to a concrete statue of a woman.  One thing you
} can say about concrete, it's not abstract!  Ha, ha, a bit of humor
} there.  Get it?  Concrete, not abstract!  My, I'm funny today.  Anyway,
} I own a cement mixer and I like pouring huge amounts of concrete into
} molds for fun.  It's also fun to go to people's houses at night when
} they are away, and knock a hole in a window and pour a whole lot of
} concrete into their houses.  I do it all the time, and if you tell the
} police on me I'll embed you in concrete and send you to sleep with the
} fishies, you betcha.  I started small, with Sakrete, but Sakrete is so
} expensive and it doesn't really do a good job.  And then there's the
} aggregate.  I think that people use slightly too much aggregate in
} concrete, yes I do.  And the Berlin Wall is really bad concrete, and I'm
} glad that they're taking it down.  And Eastern European concrete is
} really lousy, so maybe if those countries become free there will be good
} concrete there.  What I hate about the Midwest is the aggregate.
} Personally I like rough, sharp aggregate, like crushed granite, but the
} aggregate here is all glacial gravel which has all kinds of dreck in it.
} I ought to meve out West in the Rockies somewhere where the concrete has
} the right sort of aggregate in it.


190-05    (22231 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should the government suspend its new policy of turning drug trafficers
> into pigs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This really is top secret, but since you asked....
}
} Drug traffickers are all pigs to begin with.  The entire world-wide
} drug-smuggling cartel is run from a tiny pig farm in northern Kansas
} by a large, 2500 lb. boar named "Wilbur."
}
} "The Colombians?  Hah!  They're a complete crock," grunts Wilbur as
} he wallows in his slop trough.  "I sell their butts as ham in Bogata
} supermarkets!  You gotta admit, it's a great cover!  Medellin is a
} LONG way from Salina!  While all the federal agents are out prowling
} the Mexican border and the Florida Strait, my network of porkers makes
} sure that the average American HIgh School student can afford to buy a
} an ounce of pot on a week's allowance!"
}
} "Terriffic!  Terriffic!  Terriffic," honks one of Wilbur's many
} partners in crime.  "The pay is great!  Is great!  Is great!  I'm
} sending my children to Harvard!  To Harvard!  To Harvard!"
}
} Wilbur's network is wide, indeed!  You can hear his name mentioned in
} the opium dens of the far east as well as the trendy parties of the
} Malibu surfing scene.  Everything is run by Wilbur, his
} scum-sucking assistant Templeton, and the mysterious Charlotte,
} described only as "a local widow."
}
} As you can see, if this news ever got out, there could be a real
} economic crisis.  People would boycott pork, thereby putting millions
} of innocent pigs out of work, and farmers would be bankrupted by
} plummeting pork-belly futures.  Worst of all, mobs of self-righteous
} pig-haters would severely beat and/or lynch innocent porkers in the
} streets.
}
} The government, therefore, has told the public that drug traffickers
} are being TURNED INTO pigs.  This way, the pigs are sent to prison
} instead of being butchered, thereby supporting pork prices.  All in
} all, a good deal.  So to answer your question, NO, the government
} should keep (allegedly) turning drug traffickers into pigs.
}
} You owe The Oracle 120 racks of barbecued pork ribs with extra sauce,
} and a spider's web that spells out "LISA" in the morning dew.


190-06    (14320 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's this unconscious man doing on my home directory?  Should I call
> 911?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...looks like a zombie to me.  Try kill -9, that should finish him
} off, and his kids too.
}
} Then I'll call 911.


190-07    (13321 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you Imperialist Swine!  This is Saddam!  You told me to go
> ahead and invade Kuwait!  "Nobody will care," you said!  "Just think
> of all that extra oil," you said!  Well, NOW look at the mess I'm in!
> The entire world is comparing me to Hitler!  (Not that Hitler didn't
> have the right idea, of course.)  Worse, The U.S. is comparing me to
> that worm food Khomeini!  (GAG!)  If this keeps up, we'll all be
> living on goat-meat, goat-milk, and goat-cheese!  And DROWNING in all
> that extra oil!  You advised me to get into this, now GET ME OUT, with
> my mind, body, AND country intact!  Allah be praised!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Saddam, old boy, why not quit it all?  There's a company in
} Switzerland that'll spirit you out of Iraq and set you up running a
} middle-eastern grocery in sunny San Jose'.  How about it?  Only $300,000
} from your Swiss bank account.


190-08    (11602 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um, I sorta forgot to answer that question you sent me last week, and
> now whenever I try to send mail to anyone but you my system's mailer
> demon sends me obscene gif files and error messages claiming that while
> the recipient is OK, the sender is "non-mail-worthy".  Any Suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'll tell you this time.
}
} Your mailer daemon is no more; in its place is an Oracular Mailer Imp.
} Needless to say, its nuisances are Only the Beginning -- a perusal of
} past Oracularies & maybe some H.P. Lovecraft should give you an idea
} of the horrors to come.  That MAY come, I should say, since the
} heinous imp can in fact be exorcised.  Here's how:
}
} 1.  Collect all computing equipment within one thousand yards of your
} site (VAXen, ps2's, cash registers, etc.).
}
} 2.  Burn it.
}
} 3.  Immerse the ashes in holy water.
}
} 4.  Locate a qualified exorcist (must be an ordained bishop AND a
} certified DEC rep).
}
} 5.  Have exorcist consecrate your site by chanting "hecabe
} nostra mortum -9 impi oracula" five thousand times while spinning
} wildly like a dervish (the closest a mortal can come to facing me).
}
}
} Wasn't that easy?  Now, cut out the "forgetting"!


190-09    (01603 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gracious Oracle who studiously avoids the eating of pork rinds, I am
> from Iran.  Now that Iran and the U.S.A. are perhaps making amends
> soon (what with the "Iraq thing"), would it still offend people for me
> to carry my "Death to Carter, Death to the Shah" tote bag in the
> streets of Denver?  I feel maybe it has "nostalgia value" now, and it
> really is a superior tote bag which I hate to leave gathering dust in
> the closet.  I turn to you, Oracle, having heard tell of your
> remarkable insight into those dark, tricky places where fashion and
> politics meet.  Any advice of yours would be most sincerely
> appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most people in the U.  S.  would now agree with "Death to Carter." The
} consensus is that he was, as President, a well-meaning fool, and, as an
} ex-President, a well-meaning fool and pontificating general nuisance and
} pain in the ass.  So only the Carter loyalists (pretty rare critters)
} will give a damn about "Death to Carter."
}
} As for "Death to the Shah":  he's dead, anyhow.  Besides, most Americans
} are so ignorant that they have no idea who the Shah was or what the
} title means, or that there was a Shah of Iran.  Yes, Americans are
} really that stupid.
}
} So tell people, if they comment about your handbag, that it's the name
} of an obscure rock group.  Many of them will claim to have heard it in
} concert, or even to own CD re-releases of their greatest hits!  You'll
} see:  Americans are horribly ignorant, but don't want anybody to think
} so.


190-10    (43120 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Usenet Oracle, answer me this:
> Does anyone actually find "Designing Women" funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Die Zigning Vomen?  Ach!  Ja, das ist ein gut Schow.  So funny, mitt all
} ze women (who be deaf) gettingkt in all sorts uff trouble because people
} dink dey are makingkt obscene gestures.  Ha Ha Ha!  Naturlich!  Almost
} as good as dat schow wid de puddingkt pop man, vhat ist his name, Kosby!
} Ya!  Ze Vilhelm Kosby Schow!
}
} You owe ze Oracle some Sauerkraut undt a kopy uff "Fernseher Guiden."
} Der Oracle habt gespoken.


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