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Internet Oracularities #191

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191, 191-01, 191-02, 191-03, 191-04, 191-05, 191-06, 191-07, 191-08, 191-09, 191-10


Usenet Oracularities #191    (13 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 21 Aug 90 07:02:40 -0500

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191   13 votes 52222 21253 01651 11452 32251 22333 13144 21343 34330 44500
191   3.1 mean  2.5   3.5   3.5   3.5   2.9   3.2   3.5   3.4   2.5   2.1


191-01    (52222 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Looove, soft as an eeeeeasy chair
> Looove, fresh as the mor-or-ning aiiir
> LOOOOOOOOVE, ageless and eveRRRRR-GREEEEEN
> I have seeeen ... in you, Oracle.
>
> Thank you, thank you.
>
> O idyllic, tranquillic, audiophillic Oracle, what were the five
> greatest recording acts of the seventies, and why?  (Keep it simple if
> you like -- e.g. `` 1. Abba, for their mastery of phonetic English ''
> etc. -- but the more detail the better of course.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. The Psychedelic Remote-controlled Penises: they were the only group
} that could give Byelorussian peasants a hard-on.
} 2. Zinc-Dyprosium Alloy: no more need be said.
} 3. Somi Iggy Proff Towmeetha: absolutely incomprehensible lyrics,
} records with vinyl impregnated with fish oil, gratuitous sexual
} references in the cover art of their albums.
} 4. Pus-covered Lizard Baton: captured the true essence of 1970's
} Pittsburgh while incorporating elements of Gregorian chant.
} 5. Fleas in Your Groin: easily the most disgusting lyrics ever, sung in
} beautiful clear voices of operatic quality, making every single word
} easy to understand.


191-02    (21253 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do they declare all those variables named "FILLER" in
> COBOL without generating a "DUPLICATE IDENTIFIER" error at
> compile time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Remember that the rule for FILLERs is that if  a  previously
}       declared  variable  starts  with the letters A-F,J,T,V, or Z
}       with less than 5 characters ending in P or S,  the  moon  is
}       waxing, and no one named Sam or Fred falls off a tall build-
}       ing at an interval of 3 weeks and 4 days prior to  compiling
}       OR  if a previously declared variable begins with D,G,M or Q
}       with more than 7 letters ending in 1,B,X or Y, the  moon  is
}       waning,  and  someone named Joe has driven 35.2 miles to eat
}       pizza at an interval of between 12 hours and 36 minutes  and
}       11 hours 57 minutes prior to the second pass of the compiler
}       there should not be an error message, unless of  course  the
}       tide  in Hong Kong is rising and at 97% top level, the angle
}       between Jupiter and Saturn with Mecca as the focal point  is
}       between  34 and 39 degrees, and there is a war in the Middle
}       East, in which case the FILLER declaration may be valid only
}       between  lines 1734 and 1823.  This rule is invalidated if a
}       variable with the third letter E, G, M, or Q  and  not  more
}       than  6  characters is involved in an addition between lines
}       1937 and 2330, in which case a random rule  will  be  fabri-
}       cated and cryptic error messages for not less than 421 lines
}       will be displayed.
}
}       As payment, the Oracle demands you write a COBOL compiler.


191-03    (01651 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, I want to design a game show that's so hard
> nobody wins anything.  I'm thinking stuff like "OK, Alex, I'll take
> hyperbolic trigonometric functions for $600." Can you help me think of
> topics and/or sample questions?  If you do, I'll give you a cut.  Or
> maybe a nice fruit basket, you know, the kind with little plums, and
> bananas, and grapes, and the little kiwi fruit (but without the fuzz-- I
> hate the fuzz, and the little black seeds inside 'cos they get caught in
> your teeth).  My brother hates fruit baskets.  He says that only fags
> like fruits and nuts 'cos you are what you eat, but he's a crass guy who
> thinks Budweiser is a fine aged lager made from the choicest hops,
> barley malt, and alcohol so you can get really tanked and send E-mail to
> people.
>
> So what do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...game show topics.  Various types of philosophy:  "Kantian Ethics
} for $400, please." Fine points of Roman Catholic theology, or of the
} Talmud.  Obscure history, as of minor Popes.  Cutting-edge topology.
} Obscure points of botany known only to specialists.
}
} The trick is to investigate thoroughly everybody who comes onto the
} program -- hobbies, interests, education, employment, everything.  Then
} ask really specialized questions in fields about which the poor yobboes
} can know nothing whatever.
}
} Examples (in "Jeopardy!"-style "the answer is" form):
}         Astounding chord that ends penultimate line of Bach's BWV 90.
}         Type of cheese mentioned by insane Welshman in Middleton's _The
}             Changeling_.
}         Largest town in the habitat of Uebelmannia pectinifera.
}         Most common amino acid in the hulls of guava seeds.
}         Amino acid sequence of wombat amylase.
}         Number of Popes known to have been avid fishermen.
}
} Of course, you must take great care that you don't ask such questions of
} an expert...


191-04    (11452 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You toilet paper!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last!  Something inspiring.  I think I feel a poem coming on...
}
}       One ply, two ply,
}       I love you all, by
}       the roll, by the sheet,
}       toilet paper you're so neat!
}
}               Wipe my noise, wipe my bum,
}               toilet paper you're so fun!
}               I am brave, when I shave,
}               `cause I know a cut, you'll save.
}
}       Oh, so soft, oh so fine,
}       you toilet paper mine.
}       When I'm lonely, when I'm blue,
}       I can always count on you!
}
}               You toilet paper!


191-05    (32251 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I don't hate you because you are beautiful.  I hate you because:
}
}       you sleep on MY side of the bed.
}       you have those ghastly running sores on your buttocks.
}       you eat creamed corn with your mouth wide open.
}       every time you speak, you shower me with saliva.
}       you leave the cap on the toothpaste off.
}       you vote Republican or Democrat, depending on your horoscope.
}       your stupid poodle Fluffy piddles on my terminal.
}       you have four toes on your left foot, and six on your right.
}       you think tuna fish and peanut butter casserole is a "delicacy."
}       your nose runs... sideways.
}       your elbows go the wrong way.
}       you have that third breast... in your armpit.
}       you fart in polite company.
}       you smoke those god-awful Cigarillos.
}       you spit for distance on trans-Atlantic airplane flights.
}       you like "New Kids on the Block."
}       you enjoy pouring raw sewage into people's swimming pools.
}       you have that nasty hacking cough.
}       you mistake everybody for Alan Funt.
}       you are a member of "Quayle '92."
}
} Aside from that, you're OK, I guess...
}
} You owe the Oracle a tuna fish and peanut butter sandwich.
} The Oracle has enumerated.


191-06    (22333 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I know a guy named Timchuk.
>
> So how many Tims can Timchuk chuck if Timchuk can chuck Tims?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's handy general purpose tongue twister solving formula:
}
}        ________________________________________________________
} n =   / (v * b) ^ log(s) / atn(o+1) + d - t * z + f(i,j) - r/a
}      /  _______________________________________________________ +ln(y)/g
}   x /
}    v    exp(u * sin(p/w)) * (l1-l2) + cosh(h-k) +(e^e) - c*f*m
}
} where:
}
} n is the number of times the subject (Timchuk) performs the action
} (chuck) on the object (Tims).
}
} v is the number of letters on the word describing the action.
}
} s is the height of the subject (Timchuk).
}
} o is the total energy, including mass-energy of each object (Tims).
}
} r is the number of the religous preference of the subject in a list in
} alphabetical order containing all the religions known throughout the
} world.  Even the extinct ones.
}
} d is the number of days till Christmas.
}
} u is the percentage of knowledge known by physicists required to devise
} a Unified field theory.
}
} w is the percentage chance that their theory is wrong.
}
} l1 is the length of time in seconds the subject has been alive.
}
} l2 is the length of time in seconds the subject will take to calculate
} this formula
}
} e is the number of times anybody has claimed that Elvis is alive.
}
} m is the distance between the subject's current position and Mars in
} light-years.
}
} z is the number of jokes known throughout the world with the letter 'z'
} in it.  c is amount of carbon in a mole in mols.
}
} x is the unknown quantity.
}
} y is any function of x that you decide to make up on the spur of the
} moment.
}
} b is the percentage chance that the Olympic games will be held in
} Birmingham.
}
} t is the telephone number of a party I attended in Islington.
}
} f is the number of times a nun has swore.
}
} a is the percentage of MPs absent from Parliment at any given time.
}
} p is the thickness of a pound note that has being torn, soaked in acid
} and burned.
}
} q is here even though it isn't in the equation.
}
} h is the answer to the ultimate question.
}
} i is the number of alternative theories to the theory of evolution and
} divine creation.
}
} k is the length of time in seconds you last driving a Penguin lorry
} through Iran.
}
} j is the number of lawyers it takes to change a lightbulb.
}
} g is acceleration due to the gravitational attraction of a boiled quails
} egg.
}
}
} Once of calculated this, the answer turns out to be root of minus 1.
}
} You owe the Oracle more letters of the alphabet because he's run out.


191-07    (13144 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear wise Oracle,
>         I read in a little book about edible Garden flowers.  It seems
> that daylilies (_Hemerocallis_, not lilies in general) are edible.  So
> are hollyhocks -- the blossoms, in both cases, with the caveats that not
> all varieties of daylily taste good, and that the base of a hollyhock
> flower tends to be bitter and probably shouldn't be eaten.
>         Anyhow, whenever I see a flower garden, I check for daylilies
> and hollyhocks, and eat a few blossoms.  They're pretty tasty.  With
> daylilies, even the wilted blossoms taste okay, so I don't even have to
> destroy a fresh and beautiful blossom in order to have a nice snack.
> People look at me strangely when I do this, and I admit that it's
> becoming sort of a mania with me to eat these flowers.  Should I try to
> give this up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The muse is upon the Oracle (and it feels soooo good), so
} I shall respond with verse:
}
} If on flowers you choose to dine,
} Be prepared to hear folks whine.
} They'll say you're acting like a swine
} And that you have no class.
}
} They'll say you don't know wrong from right,
} But this is only out of spite,
} For they know not the sheer delight
} Of dew upon the grass,
}
} Or tender leaves of daffodils.
} They only know of all life's ills,
} Cholesterol, blood pressure pills,
} and calories to cut.
}
} So next time you sit down to sup
} on a daylily or buttercup
} And someone gripes, say "Pucker up
} And kiss my big fat butt."


191-08    (21343 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you know about AT&T's new operating system, "Plan 9"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aah!  A question worthy of my time.  Plan 9, as far as operating systems
} go, has a very interesting story.  The homeboys down at Bell Labs
} decided that Unix as it is today is inherently boring, so a major
} rewrite was needed.
}
} They started with the most advanced Unix kernel they could get their
} hands on.  Of course, they couldn't use any BSD code, so they binary
} patched their copy of Unix 3.51m, the 3B1 operating system.  This
} guaranteed a solid base to work from.
}
} Many concepts were re-appraised.  Things like virtual memory was
} completely rewritten.  In Plan 9, it is no longer done in hardware _nor_
} in software.  Nowadays, virtual memory is handled solely in the user's
} mind.  It seems that if _your_ memory forgets about the job, the machine
} can safely forget about it also.  This frees up valuable resources.  For
} those users who stubbornly refused to give up paging, a combined C/A/T
} phototypesetter and OCR system was devised.  Swapping was left for
} swap-meets and flea markets.
}
} New device drivers were written.  There is now support for 8-track tape.
} This is a major improvement over the conventional 9-track tapes.
} Problems such as detecting end of tape were eliminated.  Filesystems
} could now be created on tape, since seek time could be cut down.  Tape
} filesystems now allowed for the deletion of hard disk support.  Kernel
} size dropped from 2 megs down to 20K.  There is, however, optional
} support for Macintosh 800K floppy disks if you feel so inclined to use
} them.  Mice are considered passe, so Plan 9 now has an interface for
} gerbils and hamsters.  The next release will also support subway rat,
} for those "power users" out there.
}
} Necessary facilities such as netnews, mail, and GIF decoding were moved
} into kernel space (where it belonged in the first place).  Process
} communication was delegated to the email system.  To avoid problems with
} the Moral Majority, most system daemons have either been exorcised or
} renamed as saints and angels.  The name daemon, for example, is now
} called St_Peter.
}
} The online manual is now printed in greek, to conform with most users'
} comments that it looked like greek in the first place.  To avoid further
} confusion over the differing manual sections, there are now just 2
} categories - 'us' (for routines that can only be used by Bell Labs
} personnel) and 'them' (for everything else).
}
} There are many other changes, but most require you to hold a source code
} licence to know about it.  Now, the Oracle would never want to get his
} loyal followers into hot water with Ma Bell, would he?  Of course not.
}
} If you are still interested in Plan 9 (from New Jersey), you can call
}         1-800-HI-D00DZ for more information and fees.  You owe the
} Oracle a Plan 9 port for the VIC-20.


191-09    (34330 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle who does not resemble much a smelly fink duck, please tell
> me this thing that I want to know.  Is it really true and bad that Iraq
> does not know and have spaghetti, is this this the first true cause of
> the Iraqi war against Kuqait?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, and no.
}
} By the way, that's spelled "Kumquat."
}
} One of the contributing causes to the conflict is Kumquati hoarding of
} pasta -- the Kumquatis have purchased with their oil money huge amounts
} of tortellini, canneloni, spaghetti, linguini, elbow nacaroni, and so
} on, and have hoarded it in special underground artificial caverns cut
} out of the living rock underneath the desert sands.  The Iraqis, who are
} having slight shortages of food and really like pasta, learned of this
} huge hoard of it and it helped them resolve to invade.
}
} People who live in desert emirates shouldn't hoard pasta.


191-10    (44500 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get her to stop impersonating the young Twiggy?  She's starving
> herself to death, and the accent still sounds like something out of Iowa
> (actually she's from Nebraska).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       <this space left intentionally blank>
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} <that space left intentionally blank, Utah three days ago.  It is now
} <on it's way to Nowhereland, Nebraska , to set up a dating service for
} <Nowhereman.  Unfortunately there are no Nowherewomen.  So it looks
} <as though those NowherePlans are being made for Nobody.  Nobody being
} <Nowhereman's first name.>
}
} You owe the Oracle a yellow submarine, a hole, and Albert Hall.


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