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Internet Oracularities #192

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Usenet Oracularities #192    (9 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 30 Aug 90 23:00:00 -0500

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192    9 votes 10224 22221 04230 10323 22221 01053 23202 01431 02430 03411
192   3.2 mean  3.9   2.8   2.9   3.7   2.8   4.1   2.7   3.4   3.1   3.0


192-01    (10224 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I make her love me?  Any love-potions or implantable devices?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The following eight-step plan will lead to her loving you and craving
} your body with a desparate passion, though not necessarily at the same
} time.
}
} 1. Wrap your body in a blue-green sheet, the feathers of a condor ("the
}    gigantic carrion-eating bird of love"), fifty carnations, a bastinet,
}    a red trash bag, and a tub of peanut butter (with marshmallows if
}    possible).
}
} 2. Approach her, speaking sweetly, and speaking with the most pleasant
}    of breath.  Kiss her hand when she is not expecting it.  Caper
}    extravagantly.  Show off your fine plumage.  Whisper sweet nothings
}    into her seven ears.  Ply her with delicacies, crawdads glazed with
}    honey and thyme (the crustacean of love).  Serve her small elegant
}    glasses of the finest liqueurs.  Bring her a whole roasted zucchini
}    bedecked with apples and custard, a soup of the finest mussels and
}    slippery-elm leaves.  Exquisite!
}
} 3. Declare for her your undying passion.  You should not be too specific
}    at this point.  Rather than saying "Oh, Emily, I want you to perform
}    Act #32 from the Kama Sutra, except with you in the trapeze rather
}    than astride the llama", you must say something more abstract and
}    ethereal: "Ah, Emily, behold!  The stars in the sky are like goldfish
}    (the spiny fish of love) tonight!  They experience such joy as they
}    swim around the heavens nibbling crunchlets of fish food scattered
}    unto them by the hand of the Goddess."  Indirection is the key here.
}
} 4. At this point9 she will get the idea of what you are after.  She will
}    pretend not to understand, as a way of avoiding the issue.
}
} 5. Suddenly, become cold and despairing.  Declaim "Alas, Emily!  Would
}    that I loved a spiny anteater instead of thee!  I cannot bear the
}    coldness, the despair!  Alas!  I am foredone and done for!  Doom is
}    my fate, and gloom is my mate, that I must endure without thee!  Woe,
}    woe is me!  Alas, alas! I must swiftly hie me away to far Paris,
}    where with expensive wines and garlic-drenched snails (the escargot
}    of love) I will strive mightily to forget thee!"   [Warning: do not
}    say this unless her name is actually Emily.]
}
} 6. Remove from your pocket a carefully-prepared plane ticket to Paris.
}    Wave it dauntingly in front of her face.  As if by accident, allow an
}    identical ticket (the famed "Coach class transportation of love") to
}    fall from your pocket in a most visible place on the floor.  Make
}    sure she sees it.
}
} 7. When she inquires about the provenance and teleology of this second
}    ticket, explain in lofty terms that it need not concern her:  it is a
}    matter of complete irrelevance to her life, and she must never think
}    of it again.   Especially, she must no longer think of sharing
}    "poulet de fou en moutarde" (the famed "chicken of love") on the
}    banks of the River Seine, not dream of climbing the spires of Notre
}    Dame de Paris, not even dream idly of the long lines at the Louvre.
}    Never once should she consider the possibility of drinking the fine
}    wines of Chateau sur la Piscine '45 after an evening dancing at the
}    bistro.  In a fit of rage, tear up the second ticket and set it
}    aflame.  Stomp out of the room.
}
} 8. At this point, she will decide to get a ticket to Paris herself.  Run
}    into her, as if by accident, at the Arc du Triomphe, where you have
}    been trapped for half an hour struggling with a parking ticket (the
}    famed Parisian "official tourist-hassle of love").  Allow her to help
}    you deal with it.  The rest is up to you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of drugs.  I wanna get high on
} pennicilin.


192-02    (22221 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> I just bought a watch with an "LSD" display.  It looked like an "LCD"
> display to me when I got it, but now it's swimming around and the frog
> has turned blue and green and is trying to do something I'm too young to
> understand to the unicorn.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, one of *those*.  Okay, no problem.  Cycle power, set the PHOM
} to "full", twist the head off the frog, and turn on the light.
} The unicorn should go away by itsself.  If it doesn't, you probably
} messed up somewhere.  Check that the frog was plugged in first.
}
} You owe the Oracle and orange and a peppermint stick.


192-03    (04230 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nu, how then do I make a golem, Oracleleh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Proceed to the clay-pits of darkest Boznia-Herzogovinia
}       Make sure it's at night--full moon--no one's seen ya--
}       of that clay sculpt a man, dank, amorphosous & hoary,
}       with the bod of Schwarzenegger, the face of Peter Lorre...
}
} What, so should I make it so this ends with sticking an Oraculary in
} the golem's mouth & sending it out for pizza?   Oy, I'm such a zhlub
} today, & why farshtinken some poor schlemiel's m-box with dreck verse?
} So this is from "The Golem Legend: Origins and Implications"
} by Byron L. Sherwin, p. 15.  After all, why should I be making things
} up, when I can turn to those who know?  "Don't curse the darkness,
} light a candle."  How true.
}
}       Two or three adepts join together to create the Golem.  A
}       magical circle is drawn to circumscribe the space in which the
}       Golem is to be created.  Virgin soil, taken from a mountain,
}       is kneaded in running water.  From this, the form of the Golem
}       is made.  Over this form various combinations of the letters
}       of the Hebrew alphabet are recitted.  The formulae for these
}       combinations derive from the _Sefer_Yetzirah_.  The
}       recitations of these letter combtinations animate the Golem,
}       limb by limb.  In some rituals, the formaulae are recited
}       while waking around the circle.  Reciting these permutations
}       in reverse order can serve to deactivate the Golem and to
}       transform him back into inert matter.
}
} So what you want, that next time I should tell you what on your
} yarmulkah to embroider?  "Buy Israel Bonds", I always put.


192-04    (10323 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I get the latest set of revisions of my wife?  She's version
> 1.5.3, and she doesn't work quite properly.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Release 1.5.4 is not due out until October, however there's an
} unannounced update on the way...  she's preganant!
}
} Release 1.5.4 has the following features:
}
}   #  Enhanced weight requirement
}   #  Enhanced food requirements
}   #  Enhanced bitchiness under stress
}   #  Faster anger start-up time
}   #  Increased bliss
}
} Bugs:
}
}   #  Morning sickness (critical bug fix in the works, try EXEC SEDATIVE)
}
} Enjoy.
}
} Customer service.


192-05    (22221 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens to boogers
> Once they reach the nose?
> Is that an execution chamber
> Where a booger prisoner goes?
> Or perhaps it's a tourist attraction,
> At times, the number of visitors grows.
>
> What happens to boogers
> Once they are taken out?
> While some dry up in tissues,
> Others are flicked out on the ground.
> Do those get eaten by animals,
> Or do they just hang around.
>
> What happens to boogers
> Once they get to the washer.
> Do they go down the drain?
> Out of shape they'd be bent.
> Or do they enjoy the ride,
> And come back to haunt us as lint?
>
> What happens to boogers?
>
>      --"What Happens to Boogers?  (220816)", by Tom Buechlein

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very nice!  I like this bit o'light verse.  Sorry that I can't respond
} in kind, being really busy.  Anyhow, the nose and esophagus are
} dumping-grounds for used old buggers of boogerdom -- the ones that get
} swallowed are digested, some of their substance no doubt going to make
} new boogers.  The ones in the nose get blown out eventually.  If they
} end up on Kleenices they usually fall victim to molds and bacteria,
} although if they are kept dry they can last a very very long time.  The
} ones flung on the ground either rot (molds and bacteria -- but note that
} they are mildly anti-bacterial!) or get eaten by insects.  Ants love 'em
} -- fling your snot onto anthills and give the little hard-working
} insects a treat.  The ones washed out of snotrags slowly dissolve in the
} wash water.  Some part of their substance remains in clothes, so that if
} you wash a load that includes handkerchiefs, you will end up with a
} small amount of booger distributed over the rest of the laundry.  The
} rest just goes down the drain and gets rotted away by bacteria in the
} sewer or treatment plant or cesspool.


192-06    (01053 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle of Espionage,
>
>  What will the features of the new NeXT computer be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The new NeXT! THE new NeXT?! The NEW NeXT?!??!?!?!!?
} Why in Bog's name would you want to know that?  That should be of no
} consequence to you unless you're easily amused, so rich you're stupid,
} or a desktop publisher (i.e.  an amateur cluttering the market with
} poorly designed pamphlets and advertisements.) Besides, that's
} proprietary information and I'd be breaking the law if I...wait a
} second, did you say ESPIONAGE?  Spys?  Mission Impossible?  James Bond?
} Etcetera?  Oh, totally cool!  I'll do it!
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} FROM THE FILES OF...
} (Fade in Bond-like theme music, only better...)
}
} The Usenet Oracle, Secret Agent 1.1006524+e007
}
} Date 1990.08.21
} 1900 hrs  I'm instructing my partner Lisa, the spy.net.goddess, to use
}           her incredible powers of influence to help retrieve access
}           codes for NeXT's systems. Expect a lot of penetrating to be
}           done before we get any solid leads.
}
} Date 1990.08.22
} 0500 hrs  Lisa's back from her assignment earlier than expected. I'm not
}           on duty until 0600. She got the codes, but she didn't get
}           satisfied, know what I mean? (Cut to obligatory foreplay
}           scene, fade to black...)
}
} 0600 hrs  Tired, but on duty. Logging in to NeXT's system via obscure
}           maintenance backdoor provided by the now-exhausted Lisa.
}           Whoops, set off an alarm...gotta cover...there, that ought
}           to do it. Looks just like a virus set off internally by some
}           disgruntled employee. Shit, I forgot how much I hate Unix.
}
} 0615 hrs  While NeXT sysops scramble to find the source of their
}           apparent "virus," I'm snooping around looking for NeXT's next.
}           Ahhh... found it! Better just snag a copy of the data file and
}           get out of here before someone gets wise. I'll erase the
}           system on my way out to remove the evidence. There. Logging
}           out...
}
} 0630 hrs  Mission accomplished! And only 0630 hrs--since I'm done early
}           I'll just slip into something comfortable before breakfast,
}           like Lisa. Here's your scoop:
}
}           --------------------------------------------------------------
}           NeXT Product Preview - CONFIDENTIAL
}
}           In keeping with corporate policy, and to stem the tide of
}           burgeoning demand for technological solutions to the decrease
}           in plans to purchase hardware from platforms not yet suited to
}           the ideal working environment of tomorrow's electronic office
}           systems, and especially since there just ain't that many
}           desktop publishers,
}
}           NeXT plans to release no new computers this quarter.
}           --------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster--shaken, not stirred.


192-07    (23202 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are Iraqi troops Saddamites?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a popular Saudi appelation.  The Iraqi troops' own favorite
} nicknames are (roughly translated) Hussein-skateers,
} Insectivorous-Plants-Which-Devour-the-Infidel-Biting-Flies,
} Clean-living Saracen Studs, Hirsute Harriers, Pork-eschewing
} Death Commandos, and Rearing-to-Go Jihad Enthusiasts.
}
} You must now look into why TV reporters pronouce "Saddam" the same
} as "Sodom", when it used to rhyme with "Mad Bomb".


192-08    (01431 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, my girlfriend says that she is the reincarnation of my
> grandmother, and she claims that she remembers meeting me (the
> grandmother in question died when I was 4, and yes, my girlfriend was
> born about 9 months after my grandmother's death) when she was my
> grandmother.  She seems to know an awful lot about my family, my
> grandmother's house (she's never been there as far as I know), and so
> on.  Is she having me on, or is she really the reincarnation of my
> grandmother?  If she's playing a prank on me, why?  If not, is it incest
> when I have sex with her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         THIS IS THE NET.REINCARNATION,EXPERT.  YOUR GIRLFRIEND COULD NOT
} POSSIBLY BE THE REINCARNATED GRANDMOTHER.  I AM THE REINCARNATION OF
} YOUR GRANDMOTHER, LITTLE BOY.  YOU CAN'T FOOL ME; I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
} THAT GIRL IS A LYING CHEATING SLUT.  HAVE NOTHING FURTHER TO DO WITH
} HER.  SHE ONLY WANTS YOU FOR YOUR MONEY.  IT SURE AIN'T FOR YOUR BOD OR
} YOUR BRAIN.  BY ALL MEANS SCREW HER IF YOU WISH; THAT'S WHAT SHE'S DOING
} TO YOU.
}         THE NET.REINCARNATION.EXPERT HAS SPOKEN.
}
}         <sound of curtains sliding open>
}         Well, Lisa, how'd I do?
}         Not bad, Wiz, not bad at all.  Sure was a lucky day for us when
} that baloon came down here.  We needed someone who could do basso
} profundo like that.  Think you fooled the idiot?
}         Sure.  He asked the Oracle a question; he has to be an idiot.
}         <sounds of curtain closing>
}         <thump.  rustle rustle.  sounds of moaning>
}
}         <transmission ends>


192-09    (02430 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and esteemed Oracle,
>       Please give me some tips on porting the GNU C compiler to the
> Unix-clone Coherent, running on my PC/AT clone (10 MHz 80286 chip,
> 1 M core).  Thanks very very much.
>
> Yours faithfully,
> Ron Hopeful (not my real name)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Ron, (and that IS your real name!  Don't try to fool us!!) my first
} sug suggestion is to stop wasteing your time with a silly '286 and get a
} REAL machine.  Like, say, an RS/6000, or maybe an Alliant, or a VAX,
} just a little one...
}
} But, barring that...
}
} What you ask calls for great sacrifice.  You must swear to the GNU-gods
} that all of your work, your excrement, your children, you children's
} excrement, etc.  will be made freely available to the public do have
} their way with.  (and don't think I haven't been looking at YOU lately,
} Ron..  ;-) )
}
} That's the easy part.  Now you have to do the ritual dance to pay homage
} to the big blue god in the sky..  This includes (but is not limited to)
} coming up with your very own standard of character codes incompatible
} with everything on the market, locating and consuming the inner workings
} of one Timex Sinclair computer with optional 2K expansioon module, and
} successfully repairing a b broken toater with a 30 lb.  sledgehammer.
}
} Then strip naked, role yourself in a pile of loose 8088 processors, and
} chant "market share, market share..." over and over for 3 days.  Then go
} into a deep trance, concentrating only on the compiler.  Picutre it
} flying between the two machines, byte by byte, bit by bit, with each bit
} passing through an electric blue field before falling onto your hard
} disk.  When you revive, it will be done.


192-10    (03411 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the Oracle so addictive, and wiring letters so unaddictive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle?  Addictive?  Naah.  The Oracle is merely a friend, a
} companion, someone to make your life a little more interesting and
} pleasent....
}
} *************************INTERRUPT***********************************
}
} THIS IS WILLIAM BENNET, DRUG KING... ER... CZAR!  THE USENET ORACLE
} HAS INDEED BEEN FOUND TO BE ADDICTIVE, AND THEREBY CONTROLLABLE UNDER
} THE CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES ACT!  THE USENET ORACLE WILL TAKE OVER YOUR
} MIND!  IT WILL TAKE OVER YOUR BODY!  IT WILL MAKE YOU DO UNMENTIONABLE
} THINGS TO OUR HERO AND MENTOR, JESSE HELMS!  LABORATORY TESTING ON
} RATS HAS SHOWN THAT PROLONGED ORACULARITY CAUSES BED-WETTING AND IRAQI
} SYMPATHIES.  FURTHERMORE, YOUR PENIS WILL EXPLODE AND...
}
} ###########################BBBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAPPPPPPPPPP!!!!
}
} Uh, sorry about that rude interruption.  He won't be bothering anyone
} for a while.  As for wiring envelopes, of course it's no fun!  Dealing
} with those tiny wires, the detonators, and that extremely touchy
} explosive is stress-producing, and generally doesn't invoke any
} addictive responses.  Careful who you send those wired letters to,
} Remember, Santa is watching, and so am I....
}
} You owe The Oracle a speedboat that can outrun anything the Coast
} Guard's got.


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