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} The following eight-step plan will lead to her loving you and craving
} your body with a desparate passion, though not necessarily at the same
} time.
}
} 1. Wrap your body in a blue-green sheet, the feathers of a condor ("the
} gigantic carrion-eating bird of love"), fifty carnations, a bastinet,
} a red trash bag, and a tub of peanut butter (with marshmallows if
} possible).
}
} 2. Approach her, speaking sweetly, and speaking with the most pleasant
} of breath. Kiss her hand when she is not expecting it. Caper
} extravagantly. Show off your fine plumage. Whisper sweet nothings
} into her seven ears. Ply her with delicacies, crawdads glazed with
} honey and thyme (the crustacean of love). Serve her small elegant
} glasses of the finest liqueurs. Bring her a whole roasted zucchini
} bedecked with apples and custard, a soup of the finest mussels and
} slippery-elm leaves. Exquisite!
}
} 3. Declare for her your undying passion. You should not be too specific
} at this point. Rather than saying "Oh, Emily, I want you to perform
} Act #32 from the Kama Sutra, except with you in the trapeze rather
} than astride the llama", you must say something more abstract and
} ethereal: "Ah, Emily, behold! The stars in the sky are like goldfish
} (the spiny fish of love) tonight! They experience such joy as they
} swim around the heavens nibbling crunchlets of fish food scattered
} unto them by the hand of the Goddess." Indirection is the key here.
}
} 4. At this point9 she will get the idea of what you are after. She will
} pretend not to understand, as a way of avoiding the issue.
}
} 5. Suddenly, become cold and despairing. Declaim "Alas, Emily! Would
} that I loved a spiny anteater instead of thee! I cannot bear the
} coldness, the despair! Alas! I am foredone and done for! Doom is
} my fate, and gloom is my mate, that I must endure without thee! Woe,
} woe is me! Alas, alas! I must swiftly hie me away to far Paris,
} where with expensive wines and garlic-drenched snails (the escargot
} of love) I will strive mightily to forget thee!" [Warning: do not
} say this unless her name is actually Emily.]
}
} 6. Remove from your pocket a carefully-prepared plane ticket to Paris.
} Wave it dauntingly in front of her face. As if by accident, allow an
} identical ticket (the famed "Coach class transportation of love") to
} fall from your pocket in a most visible place on the floor. Make
} sure she sees it.
}
} 7. When she inquires about the provenance and teleology of this second
} ticket, explain in lofty terms that it need not concern her: it is a
} matter of complete irrelevance to her life, and she must never think
} of it again. Especially, she must no longer think of sharing
} "poulet de fou en moutarde" (the famed "chicken of love") on the
} banks of the River Seine, not dream of climbing the spires of Notre
} Dame de Paris, not even dream idly of the long lines at the Louvre.
} Never once should she consider the possibility of drinking the fine
} wines of Chateau sur la Piscine '45 after an evening dancing at the
} bistro. In a fit of rage, tear up the second ticket and set it
} aflame. Stomp out of the room.
}
} 8. At this point, she will decide to get a ticket to Paris herself. Run
} into her, as if by accident, at the Arc du Triomphe, where you have
} been trapped for half an hour struggling with a parking ticket (the
} famed Parisian "official tourist-hassle of love"). Allow her to help
} you deal with it. The rest is up to you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of drugs. I wanna get high on
} pennicilin.
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