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Internet Oracularities #194

Goto:
194, 194-01, 194-02, 194-03, 194-04, 194-05, 194-06, 194-07, 194-08, 194-09, 194-10


Usenet Oracularities #194    (9 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 31 Aug 90 23:21:41 -0500

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194    9 votes 12510 22320 21231 11331 33210 11034 02133 21042 22212 41121
194   3.0 mean  2.7   2.6   3.0   3.2   2.1   3.9   3.8   3.3   2.9   2.4


194-01    (12510 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, most wise, please tell me, why has Little Bo Peep lost her
> sheep?  What kind of sorry-ass shepherdess is she?  Why is she trusted
> with sheep if she loses them this way?
>
> Awaiting your most wise and omniscient reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She's one of those ladies-in-waiting of Marie Antoinette's who liked to
} play shepherdesses -- but were too dainty to get close to those smelly
} sheep.  Result -- sheep wandering off while bogus shepherdesses lounge
} under trees eating sorbets and flirting with bogus shepherds.  Real
} shepherds have to gather together the sheep -- a real chore once they've
} been allowed to scatter, and very hard on the flocks (decimates them).
}
} The Oracle is mixing Its tenses, but it seems like only yesterday.  "Bo
} Peep," by the way, is a corruption of of the French words for "Beautiful
} Tits," which was the original woman's nickname.
}
} Isn't this a great answer?  The Oracle thinks that it should damned well
} be in an Oracularities collection, you bet.  Speaking of which, My
} priesthood is fucking things up.


194-02    (22320 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I sit here late at night
> And stare at a screen so bright
>     I'm not getting paid
>     I'm not getting laid
> Isn't there something not right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle decrees to thee,
} That he feels quite sad-ly,
}       About your plight,
}       And that he might,
} Say this to set you free.
}
} It is, to me, quite plain,
} That you are in much pain,
}       In order to get laid,
}       One HAS TO get paid,
} And so you're stuck in the rain!
}
} My friend, you should find a career,
} One that's not a bite in the rear,
}       A job you can cherish,
}       Until you doth perish,
} Then you can BUY those things dear!
}
} You owe the Oracle a lusty female cyborg named rec.sex.Candy.


194-03    (21231 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Majestic Oracle, whose grand wisdom defies the capabilities
> of my smartest Timex Sinclair, whose awesome brain is just a tad faster
> than my watch, whose marvelous speed is faster than a BB, whose awesome
> drive will not accept 8" floppies, answer me this humble query:
>
> Does Big Brother REALLY know all the measurements of my parts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No I don't, and I don't really care.
}
} Lisa, on the other hand, does, and the mere thought sends her into
} unstoppable fits of laughter.
}
} You owe the Oracle a micrometer.


194-04    (11331 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the Lord helps those who help themselves, why is shoplifting illegal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's only part of the full quote.
}
}    ``The Lord helps those,
}      Who help themselves;
}      And He will Hose,
}      Those, who steal from shelves.''
}
} The Lord's quite a poet.


194-05    (33210 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently our office sent the following question to you:
>
> The oracle has pondered your question:
> Your question was:
>
> > Department of Security
> > Telecommunication Division
> > [classified]
> >
> > August 31st, 1990
> >
> > oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
> >
> > Dear Mister/Madam/Miss/Ms/Daemon "oracle":
> >
> > During a routine check of our mail system your address showed up many
> > times as a recipient and sending mailbox.  As a normal security check
> > your box was processed through the WHOIS database at NIC.DDN.MIL.  You
> > may use this database by TELNET'ing to NIC.DDN.MIL [192.67.67.20] and
> > entering `whois' at the `@' prompt.
> >
> > Our routine check showed that neither your host nor your mailbox has
> > been officially registered.  To avoid a lengthy security investigation
> > please register immediately.  We assure you that this is necessary
> > because if you do not register we will be forced to show Senator Jesse
> > Helms a transcript of the mail messages sent through military
> > computers and gateways.
> >
> > If any of the mail can be classified as a security risk or obscene
> > then we will confiscate your host computer.
> >
> > We will not examine your mail if you register.  We just want to know
> > who you are.
> >
> > Have a nice day.
> >
> > Signed, [classified] (Director Black-ARPA-Mail Directorate)
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } fuck you
>
> Are you sure you want to stick with that reply?
>
> Signed, [classified] (Director Black-ARPA-Mail Directorate)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Hi there,
}           You seem to have a problem with the fact that you get this
} stuff.  Remember, programs don't infiltrate security systems, people do.
} You ought to find out who let the Oracle get into your system before you
} send guys to check the Oracle out.
}                                    Have a nice day


194-06    (11034 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do women like receiving oral sex?  I want to try it on my girlfriend but
> I don't want to scare her by asking.
>
> Signed, the snake

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In my profound and infinite experience, the answer is "yes."  Of
} course, not just any "placing mouth over vagina" technique will work.
} By way of example, I will describe a few oral sex encounters which did
} not turn out well.
}
} 1. (Clark Kent and Lois Lane in her bedroom)
}
} LL: Oh Clark!  Use your tongue!
} CK: Gee, Lois.  If that's want you want.
} (suck/slurp)
} LL: Erk!
} CK: Sorry Lois, I seemed to have sucked out your large intestine.
}
} 2. (Tarzan and Keera, Amazon Queen on the Jungle)
}
} T: Ugh!  Your thighs very strong.  Please not squeeze Tarzan's head so
} hard.
} K: (Pant!)  (Pant!)  More!  More!
} (crunch)
} K: Tarzee baby, why did you stop?  Oops.
}
} So you see, oral sex is not always good.  I would definately risk it
} though.
}
} You owe the Oracle some strong mouthwash.


194-07    (02133 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it a good idea to write chain letters?  If so, please send $1 to the
> following ten addresses and then send this letter to ten of your friends
> after erasing the top name and putting your name at the bottom:
>
>    Georgie@white.house.gov
>    Danny@white.house.gov
>    Nancy@ranch.gov
>    Ronnie@ranch.gov
>    Barbara@kenne.maine.gov
>    Gorby@office.window.kremlin.ussr
>    Raisa@home.gorb.ussr
>    Johnny@tonite.burbank.nbc.org
>    DanRath@abc.org
>    TT@cnn.network.turner.org
>
> Thank you.
>
> If you don't think it is a good idea to send chain letters, just send $5
> to each of the addresses above.
>
> --Ted

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  ______________________________________________________________________
} |  __________________________________________________________________  |
} | |                       FEDERAL RESERVE NOTE                       | |
} | |  1  ()----------------------------------------------------()  1  | |
} | |   ()              THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA              ()   | |
} | |  )                         __________                         (  | |
} | | (                          ) .....  (       L O5773915B        ) | |
} | | |                         )..     .  (        washington d.c.  | | |
} | | |   12                   ).. ~o ~o .. (                   12   | | |
} | | |            L          )...    \  ... (                       | | |
} | | |                       )   \  -- /    (                       | | |
} | | (      L O5773915B       )    ----    (                        ) | |
} | |  )  12   k.... s....      )    \v/   (      z.... d...    12  (  | |
} | |   ()                ______  ========  _____                 ()   | |
} | |  1  ()--------------       ONE DOLLAR      --------------()  1   | |
} | |__________________________________________________________________| |
}  ----------------------------------------------------------------------


194-08    (21042 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (puff) (puff) (puff) Was (puff) it (puff) good for (puff) (puff) you?
> (puff)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (pant) (pant) (wheeze) I (gasp) (pant) gotta (pant) (gasp) get (pant)
} more (gasp) (wheeze) exercise (pant) before (gasp) (wheeze) I (wheeze)
} can (wheeze) (wheeze) climb (pant) four (pant) flights (gasp) of
} (wheeze) stairs.  (heart attack) (die)


194-09    (22212 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Citibank Customer Service
> August 31st, 1990
>
> Dear Mr. Oracle:
>
> We regret to inform you that we are cancelling your Citibank Classic
> VISA account, effective September 1st, 1990.  We will continue to bill
> you monthly until the balance is paid.  That balance, for your
> reference, is $19,450.
>
> The government requires us to inform you as to why we decided to cancel
> your account.  However, since you are not a citizen of the United States
> we don't really have to.  We'll be nice, just this once.
>
> We cancelled your account do to the following glaring problems with your
> credit history:
>
>    You do not have a stable income.
>
>    You have a fictitious address.
>
>    You have an illegally obtained credit limit.
>
>    You do not own any assets we want.
>
>    You have been delinquent on your account for the last three months.
>
>    You have never made a payment more than $10 on your account.
>
>    You are overlimit and have been so for the last three months.
>
>    You couldn't make the minimum payment even if you obtained a grant.
>
>    Lastly, we think you are using your account to purchase stolen items.
>
> If you like, you can protest.  We will enjoy laughing in your face and
> then we will prosecute you for credit fraud.
>
> Have a nice day, bucko.  See you in court if you dare!
>
> Signed, Sneezy.
>
> PS, We forgot.  Please do not use the social security number of George
>     Herbert Walker Bush anymore.  You could get in big trouble.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >    You do not have a stable income.
}
} Wrongo, dweeb-face.  I get a very large income from the stables.  OK, so
} it's mostly horse shit, but I still get a lot of it, and I do sell it by
} the cartload to the net.oraculites.
}
} >    You have a fictitious address.
}
} Wrong again, Mr.  Terra-Cotta Jerk.  My address ain't in Fictitious.  I
} get all my mail at POB 4124145123, Surrealism, IX 12492+14523i.
}
} >    You have an illegally obtained credit limit.
}
} I stole it myself, Mr. Field Mouse!
}
} >    You do not own any assets we want.
}
} Well I never!  You keep your filthy hands off my assets, Miss American
} Piranha!  I'm a good little Oracle, I am, and I don't go with people who
} are just after my assets!
}
} >    You have been delinquent on your account for the last three months.
}
} No way, Mister Remedial Cobra!  I'm over 18!
}
} >    You have never made a payment more than $10 on your account.
}
} Why, Mister Dung Eater, I deposited fifteen salamander eyes, eleven
} cases of root beer, twenty dates with Lisa, eighteen pounds of
} concentrated moonlight, a pink flamingo, a book of nursery rhymes, and a
} pair of tickets to the next muskrat show.
}
} >    You are overlimit and have been so for the last three months.
}
} Ain't no way, Mister Incompetent Person!  I only 108 pounds!
}
} >    You couldn't make the minimum payment even if you obtained a grant.
}
} Wrong once more, Miss Pimply Person!  I had Cary for three whole nights,
} not counting a quickie behind the rutabega truck!
}
} >    Finally, we think you are using your account to purchase stolen
} >    items.
}
} I bought 'em fair and square, Mr. Leninist Nerd!
}
} You owe the Oracle a new account!


194-10    (41121 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Do twinkies taste any better when you soak them in rum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do twinkies taste better when you soak them in rum?
} Are eels more appealing served on a tin drum?
} Are horseheads more savory when baked in Estonia?
} Is cod good filleted, or should it be bonier?
}
} So many choices in food preparation!
} Do I want the fried yorkie, the pug, the dalmation?
} But I think what you're after is "hacker fondue"--
} i.e., dip the twinkies in flat mountain dew.
}
}
} Who needs mind-altering substances when you can get High on Life?
}
} (Life = sleep deprivation, caffeine, and puuuure cane sugar)


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