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Internet Oracularities #195

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195, 195-01, 195-02, 195-03, 195-04, 195-05, 195-06, 195-07, 195-08, 195-09, 195-10


Usenet Oracularities #195    (12 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 4 Sep 90 09:13:49 -0500

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195   12 votes 22332 35310 22422 12333 13161 01335 16131 22422 36300 03333
195   3.0 mean  3.1   2.2   3.0   3.4   3.2   4.0   2.8   3.0   2.0   3.5


195-01    (22332 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is "Sir Wild Worm Smythe?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            The Pleasing Comedie Wylde Worm Smythe,
}
}                        -- or --
}
}                   The Angler's Return
}
}                       [an excerpt]
}
}
}
} BELINDA:  Good Lord Smythe, should'st thou not knock before entering a
} lady's bedchamber?  You frighten'd my poor Shock almost out o' his wits!
}
} SMYTHE:  Your Shock, Madame?
}
} BELINDA: My lapdog, sir.  Would you care to be acquainted with my
} hairy little thing?
}
} SMYTHE: Certainly madame, if you would kindly move the dog.  Truth be
} known, madame, I too have a little pet which longs for the
} acquaintance of some warm creature....
}
} BELINDA:  Perhaps it would care to mingle with mine.  Is it a dog,
} sir, or a cat perhaps?
}
} SMYTHE:  It is, madame, a worm.
}
} BELINDA:  A worm, sir!  Imagine!
}
} SMYTHE: A lapworm, madame.  Yet I fear his play might much chaffe and
} weary your dainty pet, for my little fellow grows most restive, being
} always confined within my breeches.  Here he is --
}
} BELINDA: Vicare!  He is not so little, sir!   By the rednesse of
} him I should say he is a blood-worm!  And the winking of his eye
} speaks most tellingly of a rogueish wildnesse!
}
} SMYTHE:  He is, I confesse, a most marvelous forward creature.
}
} BELINDA:  Yet his posture is quite noble, for he is most erect in
} bearing -- he seems a very soldier-worm!
}
} SMYTHE: A conquistidor, m'lady.  Yes, he's a haughty night crawler, and
} a sporting too.
}
} BELINDA: 'Pon my life, he is indeed a sportsman -- a most promiscuous
} Angler, I should say, for he smells most stinkingly of fish!
}
} SMYTHE:  True, dear Lady.  He loves nothing more 'pon this earth than
} to angle his way into a dank and fishy grotto....
}
} BELINDA:  I blush, sir!  What is your meaning, pray!
}
} SMYTHE:  Do you know of such a place, madame, where my friend might
} find liquid refreshment?  He likes his grottoes small, and o'ergrown
} with moss.
}
} BELINDA: Perhaps I know of such a place, sir, but given the prodigious
} girth and longitude of your pet, I fear he'd never fit!
}
} SMYTHE: 'Tis always thought no grotto could accomodate his vastness,
} madame, yet he always gains his entrance, though it take a whole night
} of toilsome batt'ring!
}
} BELINDA:  I beg you stop, sir!  Now you are too forward!
}
} SMYTHE:  Avast!
}
} BELINDA:  Oh!
}
} SMYTHE:  I die!
}
} BELINDA:  I die!
}
} SMYTHE:  I die!
}
} BELINDA:  I die!


195-02    (35310 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ARHG!  Mr.  Palace Monkey just nearly killed me with a buffer!  What'll
> I do, Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not again! You stupid! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH!
}
} [Fade to picture of scholarly gentleman]
}
} "The Oracle then proceeded to hunt down the hapless writer with an axe
} and chop him into bite-size pieces. Yes, the Oracle cracked under the
} strain of being asked to answer one too many nonsensical questions.
}
} "But can we really blame the Oracle? After being constantly bombarded
} with questions like `Why does my lexicon grow purple at night?' or
} `Chunks o' sputum! Hurrah!' or even `Gurble splitter poop. Glibber
} goob nobber?', who wouldn't like to find the little jerk who wrote the
} question and grab his NECK AND SQUEEZE AND SQUEEZE UNTIL PASTY PINK
} GOO SQUIRTS BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS AND THE TWERP'S EYES POP RIGHT OUT OF
} HIS SKULL AND GO BOUNCING AROUND THE ROOM LIKE ALBINO MEATBALLS--ahem.
}
} "So please. For your own safety, please write sensible, logical
} questions. Like, `Why is Lisa like a plumber's snake?' That's one I've
} always wanted to answer."
}
} You owe the Oracle a spotless corkscrew.


195-03    (22422 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I really against war?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am reminded of the famous cheer by the Hunsterettes, Attila's
} cheerleading squad:
}
}     We love war,
}     Yes we do!
}     We love war,
}     How 'bout you?
}
} Usually, there was no reply from the opposing corpses.  "But what does
} that have to do with me?" you might ask.  Very little, I would answer.
}     Let us consider the lowly amoeba:  does it wonder about war, about
} the senseless devouring of other amoebas?  No!  It does what it must to
} survive.  "But what does that have to do with me?" you might ask.  Very
} little, I would answer.
}     Do you think the Germans thought about what they were doing when
} they bombed Pearl Harbor?!...  Or was that...  Well, anyway, the point
} is, whoever they were, they just did it, then we, like, did what we did.
} Hm.
}     My suggestion is this:  go out at night and look up at the stars.
} See how many there are?  There are hundreds, I assure you.  And they're
} more than a thousand miles away.  Really makes you think, doesn't it?
} So if, like, the universe is so big and everything, what difference does
} it make if a few million people die on some miserable rock spinning
} around a small star in an unfashionable corner of the galaxy?  Are you
} really against war?  That depends on the value you place on life when
} put in that perspective.
}    You owe the oracle a posting to philosophy.cynics as penance.


195-04    (12333 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why haven't there been any "Usenet Oracularities" postings to Rec.humor
> lately?  Some rumours say that Stepve Kinzler is dead, others that he's
> just on vacation and others that he's just recovering from that date
> with Lisa he finally got as a reward for long and faithful service.  Is
> any of these rumours true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kinzler, dead?  No, it's not possible... He HAS been pretty quiet
} lately.  Hm.....
}
} Good Grief!  He is dead!  One bullet, straight through the heart!  Who
} could have done this?
}
} <I did.>
}
} Who said that?
}
} <Me.  George, the net.murder.god>
}
} Net.murder.god?  Why, you're gwh, a famous USENET personality!  Why
} would you be the net.murder.god?
}
} <Because I want to.>
}
} Why did you kill Kinzler?  What did he do to you?
}
} <He refused to put any of my replies on the Oracle postings.>
}
} Are you sure?  Let's look at those replies...
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
}   Your question was:
}
}   > I deeply love my girlfriend Linda.  How can I show my love to her?
}
}   And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
}   } Well, for starters, you could amputate her limbs with a chainsaw,
}   } and watch her bleed to death.  Or you could set her on fire.  How
}   } about feeding her a set of Alka-Seltzer tablets and watching her
}   } stomach explode? Or
} ^C
}
} That's pretty grisly, George.
}
} <What do you expect from the net.murder.god?>
}
} Still...
}
} <Well, now you know my secret.  I'll have to kill you too...>
}
} What?  Hey, what is that?  A STEAMROLLER?!?  Ahhhhh!!  Run away!  Run
} away!  Run away...
}
} .
} .
} .
}
} Cough, cough.  Oh, it must have been a nightmare.  Lisa, you wouldn't
} believe the nightmare I just had.  I met the net.murder.god, and...
}
} <Um?>
}
} Oh well, at least you're still the net.sex.goddess...
}
} <Actually, I'm going to have to change my title.>
}
} To what?
}
} <net.maternity.goddess>
}
} Net.maternity...  Oh no!  Noooooooooooooo....
}
} .
} .
} .
}
} <Oracle, wake up!>
}
} Oh, Kinzler, it's you.  I thought you were dead.
}
} <Huh?  Whatever.  Anyway, I finished compiling the Oracularities list,
} and have been waiting patiently for your approval.  But you were
} asleep.>
}
} Right.  Let me sign that and you can post away...
}
} You owe the Oracle a chainsaw, a condom, and some NoDoze.


195-05    (13161 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend, Ophelia, killed herself today.  Should I commit suicide?
>
> Signed, Hamlet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Suicide Hotline... please hold.


195-06    (01335 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Under what circumstances, if any, should a decent young sheep go to the
> Texas A&M?  They invited me very nicely.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Got some new software!  Gotta try it out!
}
} OracleOS Release 1.0 (bsd4.6) IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU
}
} 9/1   queryl -- the new DBMS has been installed.  Later this week we
}       will also install gqueryl, which will be twice as powerful at only
}       six times the size.
}
} 8/23  Someone has been drinking coffee again near the Workstations.
}       This is a no-no.
}
} iuvax [1] queryl
}
} WELCOME TO QUERYLANGUAGE v. 0.0.0.1 ALPHA
}
} BUG REPORT:  NUMEROUS COMPLAINTS FROM ALPHA TESTERS ABOUT CLI.  WATCH
}            YOURSELF.
}
}
} ?> (query? (and (sheep) (texas)))
} .....
} "There are no sheep in texas."
}
} What?  Hmm.  Maybe I should capitalize "Texas"...
}
} ?> (query? (and (sheep) (Texas)))
} .........
} "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of beer."
} "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of scotch."
} "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of wine."
} "The sheep in Tex^C
}
} Maybe I should be more specific.  Hm...
}
} ?> (query? (and (sheep) (cf "Texas A&M")))
} CFing "Texas A&M" =======> "Aggie"
} .......
} "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of "Aggie.""
} ?? MAL QUES ERR 00121 ??
}
} This isn't working at all.  What's error 00121?  "Malformed query."  Try
} again.
}
} ?> (query? (and ("sheep") (action "enroll" (cf "Texas A&M"))))
} CFing "Texas A&M" =======> "Aggie"
} ...........
} YOUR QUESTION IS COMPLEX.  CONFIRM CORRECTNESS:
} "Why would a sheep enroll in the Texas A&M (cf. 'Aggie')?"  [Y/N]: N
}
} Now I see how it works.  Let my try again.
}
} ?> (query? (action "invite" (action "enroll" ("sheep")) (cf "Texas A&M"]
} CFing "Texas A&M" =======> "Aggie"
} ...........
} YOUR QUESTION IS COMPLEX.  CONFIRM CORRECTNESS:
} "Why are the sheep nervous around Texas A&M (cf. 'Aggie')?"  [Y/N]: Y
}
} Close enough.
} ..................
} "The sheep are nervous around Texas A&M because the other sheep are
}  nervous around Texas A&M."
}
} What??  What kind of an answer is that?
}
} ?> (please? explain (panswer))
}
} "Have you ever seen a female Aggie?"
}
} Hmm....  looks like we're getting somewhere now.
}
} ?> (please? explain (pexplanation))
}
} "The boys get pretty lonely around Texas A&M."
}
} ?> (please? explain (pexplanation))
}
} "Get it through your thick skull, you poor excuse for a mail daemon.
}  These Aggies are boinging their sheep."
}
} ?> (please? define "boinging")
}
} "Y'know, 'hide the hotdog,' wink wink nudge nudge know-what-i-mean?"
}
} ?> (please? define "hide the hotdog")
}
} "Good grief.  You know, what you and Lisa did all last Saturday..."
}
} ?> (test-eq? "boinging" "croquet")
}
} "Croquet?  You played CROQUET with the net.sex.goddess 'til 3AM?"
}
} ?> (assert 't)
}
} "My ass."
}
} ?> (assert queryl (not (is-element-of queryl "ass")))
}
} "It's a figure of speech.  Sheesh."
}
} ?> (assert queryl (is-element-of queryl "obnoxious"))
}
} "Same to you, bud."
}
} ?> (quit)
}
} "No, not until we have this thing out."
}
} ?> (abort)
}
} "Nice try."
}
} ?> ^C
}
} "Try again.  Hehehehehe."
}
} ?> ^\
}
} "What?  Oh damn, forgot about SIGSTOP..."
} process terminated (tty input)
}
} iuvax [2] rm /bin/queryl
} Permission denied.
}
} One last chance...
}
} iuvax [3] queryl -e '(query? (amount "wood" (action "chuck") \
} "woodchuck"))'
} Segmentation fault (core dumped).
}
} iuvax [4] /bin/rm -f /bin/queryl
} iuvax [5] comp
} To: root@iuvax
} cc:
} Subject: queryl has self-erased
} --------
} A bug in the queryl DBMS caused it to erase itself.  Better send a bug
} report.
}                                               --Orrie
} ^D
} What now? push
} iuvax [6] logout


195-07    (16131 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the characters of the Glagiolitic alphabet, and when was its
> use superseded by the Cyrillic alphabet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The characters are a bit hard to do in ASCII.  Here are their names as
} pronounced by Herman Merbleguard.
}
} - Tshi-boo Bokra ("tkh") was eliminated in 1854 in favor of just using
}   "t" followed by "kh".
}
} - Ongolobo Borka ("tsh") was eliminated in 1856 in favor of the "ch"
}   character, since nobody could tell the difference anyways.
}
} - Yurp-Noiky Paloo ("r") was eliminated in 1856 also, because Mirnikov,
}   the chairman on the Council of Arts and Letters could not pronounce
}   "r".  (It was reinstated in 1871, under the name "Walla-walla Snapper
}   Cavort", and turned upside down.)  (Also, painting was abolished, as
}   Mirnikov could not paint. It was restored two years later as the art
}   form of attaching canvas to a film of oil-based fluid.)
}
} - Gosling Snake Maroon ("g") was eliminated in 1856 because there was
}   already a letter "g".
}
} - Castro Blunder-Marshmallows ("g") was eliminated in 1857 because
}   Gosling Snake Maroon had been eliminated, and it was only fair.
}
} - Torquil Marzipan-Onomatopoeia ("ai") was eliminated in 1858 because it
}   was the first letter of a nasty name that Mirnikov was called when he
}   was a child, just before they beat him with a dictionary.
}
} - Yuggoth Blender-Sforzando Bumboo ("ly") was eliminated in 1859 as part
}   of the epic struggle between Mirnikov and his arch-rival Ventrikov.
}   This struggle, which may be studied in more detail in Michelin's epic
}   volume "The Purloined Letter", ended in the destruction and partial
}   death of both participants, quite dramatically, as they spoke to each
}   other with poisoned Balakirev Vichisoisse-Moutarde ("s") letters.
}
} This pretty much ended the alphabetic reform.  However, in 1893, the
} letter Bar-Hytt System Call (which makes the previous letter be
} pronounced upside-down) was lost by accident when an unnamed lieutenant
} was taking it to Leningrad for a routine dental examination.
}
} You owe the Oracle a phonological history of the United States.


195-08    (22422 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it ever possible to seduce someone by serving them red wine, grapes,
> and tincture of iodine?  If not, why does Billy keep serving it to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why is he doing it? Why--why because he loves you, of course.
}
} Hit it! (Da dum da dum dum DUM!)
}
} Oh, Iodine
} Won't you be mine
} You're making me pine away!
}
} Oh, Iodine
} Red grapes and wine
} I serve you every day!
}
} I used to think you loved me
} But now I really know
} 'Cause when you eat
} My special treat
} Your face begins to glow!
}
} Oh, Iodine
} Won't you be mine
} Don't take your love away!
}
} Yeah! (tap tippity tap tap tappa swish tap tap click clack clock clack
} clickety clack clock) Whoa, we're cookin' now! (Tap tap clickety clack
} clikka tap swish) One more time!
}
} Oh, Iodine
} Not turpentine
} You know I'll never mind you!
}
} Oh, Iodine
} My love is blind
} I'll wine and iodine you!
}
} Your parents think I'm crazy
} That I'm not alright upstairs
} When I go back
} To fix a snack
} I get suspicious glares!
}
} Oh, Iodine
} Won't you be mine
} Don't take your love away!
}
} Drink up!
}
} (For a musical recording of this Oracularity send $1.50 to:
}
}  Oracle's a Dancin' Fool
}  387 Oracle Way
}  Fifth Alternate Plane of Reality 12345+1.89i
}
}  Save COD charges by picking it up yourself, you lazy bum!)
}
} You owe the Oracle a song about Milk of Magnesia


195-09    (36300 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this girl next to me and why is she naked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Her name is Ms.  Horse-Slime Slug Rabbit.  She is a 33d degree
} Freemason, a Rotarian, an Elk, and the League of Voters With Stupid
} Names.  She is naked because Ms.  Goat Stewed-Turnips Prince removed her
} clothing as a prelude to initiating her into yet another secret society.
} The reason she is next to you is that you are somewhere where you very
} much do not belong.


195-10    (03333 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oy, all the SaTAN questions of the Oracle today, why all the SaTAN
> questions, it is five or six I have gotten now, why, why all the SaTAN
> questions?  And why the dorky capitalization?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A little careful checking into the matter has revealed that these
} messages are actually coming *from* Satan.  Yup, that's right.
} Asmodious, Beezelbub, The Prince Of Darkness, The devil on two sticks,
} The Cloven One and even "Proctor & Gamble" on occasion.
}
} In any case, The Oracle was somewhat curious about this sudden and
} rather inept attempt at self-promotion by The Devil and managed to
} arrange a short interview.
}
} Oracle: "So, Mr.  Satan, what exactly is behind these recent attempts
}         of yours to step into the limelight?"
}
} Satan:  "Well, Oracle baby, it's like this.  In the past, I never had
}         to worry much about advertising, you know?  There was always a
}         mother's group burning Beatle records in my name, or some
}         number of two-headed calves born in Ireland that were attributed
}         to me.  My name was in the press almost constantly."
}
} Oracle: "To say nothing of the cults."
}
} Satan:  "Ah yes..  Black Sabbath, Charles Manson, Anita Bryant.
}         Those were the days." (looks wistfully into space for a
}         moment).
}
} Oracle:  "So what's the problem?"
}
} Satan:  "Well, it just ain't the same anymore.  For one, the competition
}         these days is murder!  Take all them tee-vee preachers for
}         example."
}
} Oracle: "I wish you would."
}
} Satan:  "Heh heh, yes, well, in the old days I could always count on
}         them to provide the bible thumpers with a good clear public
}         image of me.  Fire and brimstone, corruption of their children,
}         you know?  But now they've skipped the middleman and started
}         cutting in on my action!  Jim and Tammy Baker with $10,000
}         heated dog houses and lavish monuments to greed!  Jimmy Swaggert
}         caught watching hookers do the hurky-lurky with fresh
}         vegetables!  It's getting to where the Bible thumpers are
}         starting to wonder just who the Devil is!"
}
} Oracle: "A crisis of faith, as it were."
}
} Satan:  "Exactly...  And they were some of my best customers too.."
}         (muses)
}         "Then it got even worse.  Some folks even started going straight
}         for my title!  Gadaffi, Khomennei and now even Saddam Hussein!
}         That's when I started getting really worried, so I decided to
}         take some action."
}
} Oracle: "You mean..?"
}
} Satan:  "Right!  I decided to call in a few markers and get some help
}         from my collegues in Hollywood."
}
} Oracle: "An agent."
}
} Satan:  "Yup.  Benny 'Who love's ya babe?' Goldstein.  One of the very
}         best.  He does Fonda, Redford, Weird Al, all the big names.
}         This was all his idea."
}
} Oracle: "I see.  A letter writing campaign."
}
} Satan:  "Not just that.  We've got some big stuff planned!  Guest spots
}         on Miami Vice!  A complete line of Devil dolls with little
}         suction cups on the feet for sticking on car windows, a new
}         series of Devil movies that will make 'The Exorcist' look like
}         'Bambi', Devil lunchboxes, Devil cartoons on Saturday morning,
}         even my own breakfast cereal!"
}
} Oracle: "Wow.  I'm really impressed."
}
} Satan:  "This is the big league now.  Gotta move with the times."
}
} Oracle: "Well, I wish you luck."
}
} Satan:  "Yeah, thanks.  Gotta run.  Big possibilites in Saudi Arabia."
}
} Well, there you have it.  The Devil has gone Hollywood.
}
} You owe the oracle a box of "Satan's Sugar Squishies"


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