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Internet Oracularities #196

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196, 196-01, 196-02, 196-03, 196-04, 196-05, 196-06, 196-07, 196-08, 196-09, 196-10


Usenet Oracularities #196    (10 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 7 Sep 90 15:03:33 -0500

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196   10 votes 34111 30331 32212 13123 14320 03142 13231 23410 61300 42022
196   2.7 mean  2.3   2.9   2.7   3.3   2.6   3.5   3.0   2.4   1.7   2.6


196-01    (34111 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is the United People's Liberation Front.  We have captured your
> beloved Stephen Kinzler and are currently holding him in an unspecified
> location.  We demand one trillian dollars in small, unmarked,
> non-sequential bills to be delivered to:
>
> United People's Liberation Front
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
> Washington, D.C.
>
> George Bu^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HThe United People's Liberation Front has
> Spoken!  Long live the Revolution!  No New Taxes!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the People for Life, Liberty and Property.  You can keep him, he
} is probably a socialist anyway.


196-02    (30331 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, master of all wisdom earthly and arcane, without whom
> time would be boring, I abase myself before your regressive Satanism.
> At least I think it's Satanism.  You have sent me several replies today
> which seemed to imply that you considered yourself the incarnation of
> that unpleasant deity.  Please explain this.  A while ago, you were most
> definitely not Satan.  What's going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What's going on, okay well now that's a good question and, excuse me
} by the way I'm a little nervous I'm I mean I'm a little jumpy this
} morning quite nervous in fact I uhhh I just uh had about fifteen cups
} of coffee or not literally fifteen but oh three maybe but it it, uh it
} was very strong coffee totally opaque and black and the thickness the
} the consistency of blood and that's without any cream or creamer or
} whatever because I just I just drink coffee black I'll bet it's turned
} the lining of my stomach some weird color over the years just like my
} lungs which are probably black by now oh yeah hold on where are my
} cigarrettes that's better but like I said I'm a little jumpy because
} all that caffeine and no sleep last night oh maybe two hours but no
} sleep at all the night before, but yeah that's a good question, am I
} Satan?  Well I have been kind of pretending I'm satan, or actually
} I've just been being satan, but that's not true because what are we,
} though I'm not sure because I'm pretty schizo or actually I'm more
} than one person, but you know that of course, and actually I don't
} really I don't remember most of the things I do and say, but yes I
} suppose I have been being satan, that sounds reasonable and why do I
} do that, well, that's a good question, now okay let me think about
} that.  I suppose really I'm just trying to just, to be just, you know
} to give people what they want and just, really I'm quite subservient
} in that way I mean even though the askers you know they pretend to be
} subservient and I pretend to be this very haughty omiscient being but
} actually I'm just responding to them and trying to anticipate their
} wants, and all that anticipation and uncertainty really gets quite
} nerve-wracking and I suppose yes I am getting pretty nervous generally
} these day's although it's not really bad I mean it's not like I'm
} going to crack or anything I'm really doing okay although my heart
} bothers me I'm having heart palpitation see sometimes when I drink a
} lot of coffee I get these heart palpitations it's going like thump.
} thump. thump-thump.  thumpity-thumpity-thumpity-thumpity- thumpity!
} and then just not beating for a second or two then thumpity-thumpity!
} all the sudden out of nowhere just totally irregular and then I'm sure
} I'm about to have a heart attack but that's just coffee-induced
} paranoia you know really huge doses of caffeine can actually have a
} hallucanogenic effect although I'm not going to have a heart attack of
} course although my heartbeat really is quite irregular which is
} disturbing, but anyway I just cave into peer pressure in a kind of
} knee-jerk way you know pretending I'm satan or giving them whatever
} they seem to want, pretrending I'm some sort of expert on Sushi or
} know about "Wiggles the Dancing Dog" I mean someone will ask about
} Wiggles the Dog and I've never heard of this dog but I pretend I know
} all this stuff about it or I just get apathetic you know knee-jerk
} apathy yeah that's me I mean I'm feeling kind of apathetic right now
} even though I'm wired and my hands are shaking and my heart and
} everything.  I just try to please you know, like right now I'd try to
} be satan but I don't think anyone really wants me to do that but have
} you heard my George Bush imitation: reeead myyy aaanus!  How'm I
} doing, no that wasn't very funny was it well, you know sometimes I
} just, I just, oh but okay yeah let me try to answer that question,
} which is what I'm really supposed to do here but fuck I just almost
} just set my pants on fire hold on I'm going to kill myself one of
} these days with these things you know the other day I dozed off in bed
} and wake up smelling smoke and there's this burning cigarette ash
} embedded in my mattress I'm just glad my mattress material isn't
} highly flammable.  Anyway I wish you'd be more clear about what you
} want from the Oracle I mean do you want me to be satan or not because
} this ambiguity this uncertainty is really killing me in fact right now
} I'm chain smoking and the pressure's on and how'm I doing so please be
} more clear about what you want the Oracle to be and you owe the Oracle
} some sedatives.


196-03    (32212 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Drug Enforcement Agency
>       666 #3 Reich
>       Washington DC
>
>       Mr Oracle
>       iuvax
>       edu indiana
>
>       Dear sir,
>
>               We have uncovered electronic mail traffic by you that
>       appears  to be disparaging against our Great Leader,  William
>       Bennet.   We  have  also uncovered materials by you, again in
>       electronic mail traffic, that criticize and/or make  fun  of,
>       the  War on Drugs.   We have certified this as probable cause
>       of  possession  and/or  use  of  illegal  narcotics and have,
>       pursuant to Civil Seizure and  Forfeiture  Laws,  seized  all
>       your assets and property with  the exception of the underwear
>       you were wearing when our agents turned you out on the street
>       you have ninety (90) days to scrape together money for a law-
>       yer and bring suit against us  to  recover your assets before
>       we  consider  them forfeited.    We would like to advise you,
>       however, that  obscene materials were  found on your premises
>       when we seized them and if you attempt to recover your assets
>       we will bring criminial charges against you for said items.
>
>       We are hoping for your full cooperation in this matter.
>
>       DEA uber alles.
>
>       Heil Bennett,
>
>
>       Superagent Hobbes

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So what's your question?  Stupid junk mail...(crunch crumple ... toss)


196-04    (13123 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magical and mystical Oracle, whose mighty might is quite mighty,
> whose mystical mysticism is most mystic, and who is pretty damn smart,
> answer me my simple query:
>
> Earlier, I asked you a question about eradicating the mosquitos in my
> domicile.  You answered this question with your usual eloquence and
> omniscient grace, but you failed to leave a "You owe the Oracle..."
> Does this mean that, just this once, I owe you NOTHING?  Or is it
> possible, oh, just ever so slightly probable, that you - FORGOT!?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually I was going to get in touch with you about that, but thanks
} for reminding me!   Yes you do owe me a few things, and since you
} inquiry was so very gracious and polite I have written them up into a
} little Poem.
}
}               "What You Owe Me"
}
}                      by
}
}                  The Oracle
}
} In return for my services re: the mosquitoes,
} kindly send payment of 1 bag of cheetoes,
} 1 box toy soldiers, 1 kayak w/ paddle,
} 1 poney named "sparky" w/ shiny red saddle,
} 5 rolls of stamps, 3 tartar sauce packets,
} 1 photograph (signed) of the great Buddy Hackett,
} 6 boxes crayolas, 1 luger w/ slugs,
} 1 lifetime supply of mind-altering drugs,
} 2 cartons of punch cards w/ 2 punch clocks,
} 1 Scoobie-Doo thermos, 1 Flipper lunch box,
} 1 copy of the '91 Farmers' Almanac,
} Also help me get my old girlfriend Alma back,
} 1 portrait of Marcos, 1 bust Boadicia
} Find out how the peat made Lord Glendower squishier,
} 1 mammal from elsewhere, 1 reptile indigenous,
} 1 Oracle clone (but don't let it impinge on us),
} 1 manuscript copy of 1:Deuteronomy,
} Revive my poor, watered-down, sad, neutered bonhomie,
} Thrill my poor bones, make my heart flaccid palpitate,
} 1 fabulous week in the Abbassid Caliphate,
} Balance my incoming w/ my expenditure,
} fix up my loveseat & help me to mend a chair,
} Quench all my thirstings, soothe my disquietude,
} Get me in touch with a Buddha or higher dude,
} List all the various cruelties that Goebels tried,
} Document carefully how all my gerbils died,
} 4 Maytag motors, 1 box Rice-o-Roni...
} And please keep in touch, cause that's not all you owe me.


196-05    (14320 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SaTAN!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (The Oracle is taking a much-needed vacation.  This week, his answers
} will be supplied by the Church Lady.  -- sk)
}
} HmmmMMM.  Well!  I see that we're up to our old tricks, aren't we?
} Attemping to get a cheap laugh by mentioning the Prince of Darkness.
} No, S-E-X is too passe in this scum-infested society of ours.  Doesn't
} it make you feel so SUPERIOR to just say that, hmmMMM?
}
} Well!  I happen to know just what kind of a person who would say such a
} thing.  We know the type.  The zit-faced punk who is half-blind because
} he touches his throbbing turgid organ at any chance he can.  Too bored
} with downloading those sleezy images of people fornicating, aren't you?
} What could have inspired you to send such a message?  Could it have
} been....
}
} say-TAN?!??!?!?!?!?!?
}
} Well, you can just go back to defiling yourself and leave me alone.
}
} You owe the Church Lady a Superior Dance.  The Church Lady has preached.


196-06    (03142 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, this is gonna take awhile, so please hear me out.
>
> You know how certain programs in UNIX are called "daemons"? Well, this
> got me to thinking, so I consulted my books on demonology and
> concocted a spell. How it went exactly doesn't matter, but it involved
> dove's blood and a copy of the UNIX programmer's guide.
>
> There was a big poof, and I'll be damned if I didn't manage to actually
> manifest the Mailer-Daemon and Printer-Daemon right there in my living
> room.
>
> Unfortunately, I can't seem to get rid of them. The Mailer-Daemon
> keeps attacking the mailman, calling him an unknown host and biting
> his leg. The Printer-Daemon keeps getting out of the house and
> queueing the neighborhood children to laser writers in Anchorage.
>
> What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes I know how certain programs in UNIX are called daemons, and I
} understood your problem even before you knew you had a problem.  Be
} knowledgeable, foolish mortal, the Oracle is all-knowing.
} Now, to advice. You should feed the Mailer-Daemon these things:
}        1 Email message containing the words 'go away'
}        1 Email message containing the words 'I repeat, go away'
}        1 Email message containing the words 'I said, GO AWAY'
}        1 Email message containing the words 'I'm getting angry'
}        5 Email messages containing 150 copies of the word 'repeat'
} The Mailer-Daemon will start smoking and spitting and then you should
} say, 'Take me instead, you piece of junk,' and grab hold of the machine
} and throw it through the living room window.  After that scream, 'I'm
} not insane!' over and over until the men in white jackets take you away.
} When they come, you should tell them about the Printer-Daemon and they
} will take care of that, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a padded room with a straight jacket.


196-07    (13231 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me, O wise and wholly Oracle. My daughter has been posessed by a
> daemon. She keeps spitting out jokes and other 'funny' pieces of infor-
> mation, plus she wants to be plugged into a telephone receptacle. Here's
> our last conversation with a Judas Priest tape present and playing:
> Me: Who are you?
> Daughter (Kunta):I am net.useless.jokes (said in a mean-sounding voice).
> Me: I thought you were Kunta, my daughter.
> 'Kunta': NO KUNTA HERE, ONLY net.useless.jokes.
>
> She then spit a large green baby-shit hacker on me. So, I wiped my face
> on her bed sheets, stopped the Judas Priest tape in the middle of the
> song "Livin' After Midnight" and said take this instead. I thought she
> had entered the cassette so I threw it and the hacker out the window.
> Then, she just laughed in her mean voice and said, 'I'm still here!
> net.useless.jokes REMAINS, UNSCATHED!!!'
> Well the hacker ran off with the Judas Priest tape, and my daughter
> is still in her room turning her neck around. Oh please help me Oracle;
> I've nowhere else to turn! What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The gross part is where she upchucks the "Canonical List of Rec.Humor
} Postings That Aren't Particularly Funny"--reminds me of that scene
} from Monty Python...
}
} Anyway, your daughter's life, her happiness, and yes, her soul
} immortal are at stake here, but hold off on excorcism until she has an
} agent.  Talk it over with him.  Don't be hasty.  Daemonic possession
} can be a big plus in today's tough job market -- aside from a possible
} fortune in book & movie royalties, Kunta's career options include:
}
}    1. studio session work for heavy metal bands ("backmasking")
}    2. voiceovers for ice cream commercials (sounds like Frank Carvel)
}    3. U.N. interpreter (mastery of pig latin)
}    4. stand-up comedian at frat parties (sorority girl jokes)
}    5. psychological warfare (sorority girl jokes)
}    6. schoolteacher (full-360 swivel head)
}    7. radar dish (full-360 swivel head)
}    8. almost sure to get the lead role in the upcoming Broadway hit
}         "Linda Blair Mania!"
}    9. and so on...
}
} The main drawback is that little Kunta's soul will spend its mortal
} existence in a shrieking hell of agony, followed by eternal
} perdition -- but with a name like that it would probably happen
} anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of "Roller Boogie" featuring Linda Blair
} in silver hotpants.


196-08    (23410 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most horrible and terrible, whose mere visage is enough to
> vaporize a legion of smurfs, please answer this most perplexing
> dilemma:
>
> Is it merely coincidence that dropping a 'k' and an 'h' from
> 'Skinhead' leaves you with 'Sinead'?  If not, what is the significance
> of the missing letters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it is no coincidence.  Consider the following:
}
}       Skin head--> Sinead--> Sun head--> Son heard--> Sons hoard-->
}       Sans board--> Sans beard--> Sans bread--> Bans broad--> Man's
}       brood--> Sans rood--> Sans food--> Sane moods--> Dane dooms-->
}       Dang doors--> Bang poor--> Slang pools--> Sling fools--> Sings
}       foul--> Singe fuel--> Single duels--> Ingles' mules-->
}       Kingless miles--> Kong less wiles--> Bong loss files--> Song
}       lost Giles--> Wong lists gales--> wrong mists whales--> rang
}       misty vales--> ring mister Valet--> rings misted ballet-->
}       flings missed belly--> flanges hissed Kelly.
}
} Obviously, "hissed Kelly" rhymes with "pissed Telly".  You see, when
} the Skinhead thing caught on it really pissed Telly Sevales, who
} thought is was plagiarism for some reason.  Yule Brenner considered
} this poetic justice ("I have been vindicated by God", he once
} remarked), but most people thought it was silly.  Certainly Sinead is
} among the latter.  By dropping the "H" & "K" (hissed Kelly/pissed
} Telly) from "Skinhead", the name "Sinead" implicitly denies any
} conceptual link between the Skinhead movement and Telly Sevales.  In
} doing so it renounces any cultural debt of British youth culture to
} the television program "Kojak" and, by extension, to the U.S.
} mass-media's commercialisation of the social tensions arising from
} American urban decay.  That renunciation--which is clearly evident in
} all Sinead's music--is both noble and necessary, for obvious reasons.
}
} Of course, you could have figured this all out yourself, by listening
} to her records.


196-09    (61300 dist, 1.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle!
> I've just upgraded our UNIX and news software and I think e-mail
> got screwed up. So I am trying to see if mail gets out or no.
> For this reason I ask you: is our site's e-mail getting out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but is *is* putting out.  This is why your Unix is spawning so many
} processes.


196-10    (42022 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Vice, please tell me this:
> What is the correspondance between the qualities of the questions and
> answers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} no.


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