Goto:

196, 196-01, 196-02, 196-03, 196-04, 196-05, 196-06, 196-07, 196-08, 196-09, 196-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is the United People's Liberation Front.  We have captured your > beloved Stephen Kinzler and are currently holding him in an unspecified > location.  We demand one trillian dollars in small, unmarked, > non-sequential bills to be delivered to: > > United People's Liberation Front > 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. > Washington, D.C. > > George Bu^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HThe United People's Liberation Front has > Spoken!  Long live the Revolution!  No New Taxes!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the People for Life, Liberty and Property.  You can keep him, he } is probably a socialist anyway.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, master of all wisdom earthly and arcane, without whom > time would be boring, I abase myself before your regressive Satanism. > At least I think it's Satanism.  You have sent me several replies today > which seemed to imply that you considered yourself the incarnation of > that unpleasant deity.  Please explain this.  A while ago, you were most > definitely not Satan.  What's going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What's going on, okay well now that's a good question and, excuse me } by the way I'm a little nervous I'm I mean I'm a little jumpy this } morning quite nervous in fact I uhhh I just uh had about fifteen cups } of coffee or not literally fifteen but oh three maybe but it it, uh it } was very strong coffee totally opaque and black and the thickness the } the consistency of blood and that's without any cream or creamer or } whatever because I just I just drink coffee black I'll bet it's turned } the lining of my stomach some weird color over the years just like my } lungs which are probably black by now oh yeah hold on where are my } cigarrettes that's better but like I said I'm a little jumpy because } all that caffeine and no sleep last night oh maybe two hours but no } sleep at all the night before, but yeah that's a good question, am I } Satan?  Well I have been kind of pretending I'm satan, or actually } I've just been being satan, but that's not true because what are we, } though I'm not sure because I'm pretty schizo or actually I'm more } than one person, but you know that of course, and actually I don't } really I don't remember most of the things I do and say, but yes I } suppose I have been being satan, that sounds reasonable and why do I } do that, well, that's a good question, now okay let me think about } that.  I suppose really I'm just trying to just, to be just, you know } to give people what they want and just, really I'm quite subservient } in that way I mean even though the askers you know they pretend to be } subservient and I pretend to be this very haughty omiscient being but } actually I'm just responding to them and trying to anticipate their } wants, and all that anticipation and uncertainty really gets quite } nerve-wracking and I suppose yes I am getting pretty nervous generally } these day's although it's not really bad I mean it's not like I'm } going to crack or anything I'm really doing okay although my heart } bothers me I'm having heart palpitation see sometimes when I drink a } lot of coffee I get these heart palpitations it's going like thump. } thump. thump-thump.  thumpity-thumpity-thumpity-thumpity- thumpity! } and then just not beating for a second or two then thumpity-thumpity! } all the sudden out of nowhere just totally irregular and then I'm sure } I'm about to have a heart attack but that's just coffee-induced } paranoia you know really huge doses of caffeine can actually have a } hallucanogenic effect although I'm not going to have a heart attack of } course although my heartbeat really is quite irregular which is } disturbing, but anyway I just cave into peer pressure in a kind of } knee-jerk way you know pretending I'm satan or giving them whatever } they seem to want, pretrending I'm some sort of expert on Sushi or } know about "Wiggles the Dancing Dog" I mean someone will ask about } Wiggles the Dog and I've never heard of this dog but I pretend I know } all this stuff about it or I just get apathetic you know knee-jerk } apathy yeah that's me I mean I'm feeling kind of apathetic right now } even though I'm wired and my hands are shaking and my heart and } everything.  I just try to please you know, like right now I'd try to } be satan but I don't think anyone really wants me to do that but have } you heard my George Bush imitation: reeead myyy aaanus!  How'm I } doing, no that wasn't very funny was it well, you know sometimes I } just, I just, oh but okay yeah let me try to answer that question, } which is what I'm really supposed to do here but fuck I just almost } just set my pants on fire hold on I'm going to kill myself one of } these days with these things you know the other day I dozed off in bed } and wake up smelling smoke and there's this burning cigarette ash } embedded in my mattress I'm just glad my mattress material isn't } highly flammable.  Anyway I wish you'd be more clear about what you } want from the Oracle I mean do you want me to be satan or not because } this ambiguity this uncertainty is really killing me in fact right now } I'm chain smoking and the pressure's on and how'm I doing so please be } more clear about what you want the Oracle to be and you owe the Oracle } some sedatives.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Drug Enforcement Agency >       666 #3 Reich >       Washington DC > >       Mr Oracle >       iuvax >       edu indiana > >       Dear sir, > >               We have uncovered electronic mail traffic by you that >       appears  to be disparaging against our Great Leader,  William >       Bennet.   We  have  also uncovered materials by you, again in >       electronic mail traffic, that criticize and/or make  fun  of, >       the  War on Drugs.   We have certified this as probable cause >       of  possession  and/or  use  of  illegal  narcotics and have, >       pursuant to Civil Seizure and  Forfeiture  Laws,  seized  all >       your assets and property with  the exception of the underwear >       you were wearing when our agents turned you out on the street >       you have ninety (90) days to scrape together money for a law- >       yer and bring suit against us  to  recover your assets before >       we  consider  them forfeited.    We would like to advise you, >       however, that  obscene materials were  found on your premises >       when we seized them and if you attempt to recover your assets >       we will bring criminial charges against you for said items. > >       We are hoping for your full cooperation in this matter. > >       DEA uber alles. > >       Heil Bennett, > > >       Superagent Hobbes

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So what's your question?  Stupid junk mail...(crunch crumple ... toss)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magical and mystical Oracle, whose mighty might is quite mighty, > whose mystical mysticism is most mystic, and who is pretty damn smart, > answer me my simple query: > > Earlier, I asked you a question about eradicating the mosquitos in my > domicile.  You answered this question with your usual eloquence and > omniscient grace, but you failed to leave a "You owe the Oracle..." > Does this mean that, just this once, I owe you NOTHING?  Or is it > possible, oh, just ever so slightly probable, that you - FORGOT!?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually I was going to get in touch with you about that, but thanks } for reminding me!   Yes you do owe me a few things, and since you } inquiry was so very gracious and polite I have written them up into a } little Poem. } }               "What You Owe Me" } }                      by } }                  The Oracle } } In return for my services re: the mosquitoes, } kindly send payment of 1 bag of cheetoes, } 1 box toy soldiers, 1 kayak w/ paddle, } 1 poney named "sparky" w/ shiny red saddle, } 5 rolls of stamps, 3 tartar sauce packets, } 1 photograph (signed) of the great Buddy Hackett, } 6 boxes crayolas, 1 luger w/ slugs, } 1 lifetime supply of mind-altering drugs, } 2 cartons of punch cards w/ 2 punch clocks, } 1 Scoobie-Doo thermos, 1 Flipper lunch box, } 1 copy of the '91 Farmers' Almanac, } Also help me get my old girlfriend Alma back, } 1 portrait of Marcos, 1 bust Boadicia } Find out how the peat made Lord Glendower squishier, } 1 mammal from elsewhere, 1 reptile indigenous, } 1 Oracle clone (but don't let it impinge on us), } 1 manuscript copy of 1:Deuteronomy, } Revive my poor, watered-down, sad, neutered bonhomie, } Thrill my poor bones, make my heart flaccid palpitate, } 1 fabulous week in the Abbassid Caliphate, } Balance my incoming w/ my expenditure, } fix up my loveseat & help me to mend a chair, } Quench all my thirstings, soothe my disquietude, } Get me in touch with a Buddha or higher dude, } List all the various cruelties that Goebels tried, } Document carefully how all my gerbils died, } 4 Maytag motors, 1 box Rice-o-Roni... } And please keep in touch, cause that's not all you owe me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SaTAN!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (The Oracle is taking a much-needed vacation.  This week, his answers } will be supplied by the Church Lady.  -- sk) } } HmmmMMM.  Well!  I see that we're up to our old tricks, aren't we? } Attemping to get a cheap laugh by mentioning the Prince of Darkness. } No, S-E-X is too passe in this scum-infested society of ours.  Doesn't } it make you feel so SUPERIOR to just say that, hmmMMM? } } Well!  I happen to know just what kind of a person who would say such a } thing.  We know the type.  The zit-faced punk who is half-blind because } he touches his throbbing turgid organ at any chance he can.  Too bored } with downloading those sleezy images of people fornicating, aren't you? } What could have inspired you to send such a message?  Could it have } been.... } } say-TAN?!??!?!?!?!?!? } } Well, you can just go back to defiling yourself and leave me alone. } } You owe the Church Lady a Superior Dance.  The Church Lady has preached.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, this is gonna take awhile, so please hear me out. > > You know how certain programs in UNIX are called "daemons"? Well, this > got me to thinking, so I consulted my books on demonology and > concocted a spell. How it went exactly doesn't matter, but it involved > dove's blood and a copy of the UNIX programmer's guide. > > There was a big poof, and I'll be damned if I didn't manage to actually > manifest the Mailer-Daemon and Printer-Daemon right there in my living > room. > > Unfortunately, I can't seem to get rid of them. The Mailer-Daemon > keeps attacking the mailman, calling him an unknown host and biting > his leg. The Printer-Daemon keeps getting out of the house and > queueing the neighborhood children to laser writers in Anchorage. > > What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes I know how certain programs in UNIX are called daemons, and I } understood your problem even before you knew you had a problem.  Be } knowledgeable, foolish mortal, the Oracle is all-knowing. } Now, to advice. You should feed the Mailer-Daemon these things: }        1 Email message containing the words 'go away' }        1 Email message containing the words 'I repeat, go away' }        1 Email message containing the words 'I said, GO AWAY' }        1 Email message containing the words 'I'm getting angry' }        5 Email messages containing 150 copies of the word 'repeat' } The Mailer-Daemon will start smoking and spitting and then you should } say, 'Take me instead, you piece of junk,' and grab hold of the machine } and throw it through the living room window.  After that scream, 'I'm } not insane!' over and over until the men in white jackets take you away. } When they come, you should tell them about the Printer-Daemon and they } will take care of that, too. } } You owe the Oracle a padded room with a straight jacket.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me, O wise and wholly Oracle. My daughter has been posessed by a > daemon. She keeps spitting out jokes and other 'funny' pieces of infor- > mation, plus she wants to be plugged into a telephone receptacle. Here's > our last conversation with a Judas Priest tape present and playing: > Me: Who are you? > Daughter (Kunta):I am net.useless.jokes (said in a mean-sounding voice). > Me: I thought you were Kunta, my daughter. > 'Kunta': NO KUNTA HERE, ONLY net.useless.jokes. > > She then spit a large green baby-shit hacker on me. So, I wiped my face > on her bed sheets, stopped the Judas Priest tape in the middle of the > song "Livin' After Midnight" and said take this instead. I thought she > had entered the cassette so I threw it and the hacker out the window. > Then, she just laughed in her mean voice and said, 'I'm still here! > net.useless.jokes REMAINS, UNSCATHED!!!' > Well the hacker ran off with the Judas Priest tape, and my daughter > is still in her room turning her neck around. Oh please help me Oracle; > I've nowhere else to turn! What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The gross part is where she upchucks the "Canonical List of Rec.Humor } Postings That Aren't Particularly Funny"--reminds me of that scene } from Monty Python... } } Anyway, your daughter's life, her happiness, and yes, her soul } immortal are at stake here, but hold off on excorcism until she has an } agent.  Talk it over with him.  Don't be hasty.  Daemonic possession } can be a big plus in today's tough job market -- aside from a possible } fortune in book & movie royalties, Kunta's career options include: } }    1. studio session work for heavy metal bands ("backmasking") }    2. voiceovers for ice cream commercials (sounds like Frank Carvel) }    3. U.N. interpreter (mastery of pig latin) }    4. stand-up comedian at frat parties (sorority girl jokes) }    5. psychological warfare (sorority girl jokes) }    6. schoolteacher (full-360 swivel head) }    7. radar dish (full-360 swivel head) }    8. almost sure to get the lead role in the upcoming Broadway hit }         "Linda Blair Mania!" }    9. and so on... } } The main drawback is that little Kunta's soul will spend its mortal } existence in a shrieking hell of agony, followed by eternal } perdition -- but with a name like that it would probably happen } anyway. } } You owe the Oracle a video of "Roller Boogie" featuring Linda Blair } in silver hotpants.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most horrible and terrible, whose mere visage is enough to > vaporize a legion of smurfs, please answer this most perplexing > dilemma: > > Is it merely coincidence that dropping a 'k' and an 'h' from > 'Skinhead' leaves you with 'Sinead'?  If not, what is the significance > of the missing letters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it is no coincidence.  Consider the following: } }       Skin head--> Sinead--> Sun head--> Son heard--> Sons hoard--> }       Sans board--> Sans beard--> Sans bread--> Bans broad--> Man's }       brood--> Sans rood--> Sans food--> Sane moods--> Dane dooms--> }       Dang doors--> Bang poor--> Slang pools--> Sling fools--> Sings }       foul--> Singe fuel--> Single duels--> Ingles' mules--> }       Kingless miles--> Kong less wiles--> Bong loss files--> Song }       lost Giles--> Wong lists gales--> wrong mists whales--> rang }       misty vales--> ring mister Valet--> rings misted ballet--> }       flings missed belly--> flanges hissed Kelly. } } Obviously, "hissed Kelly" rhymes with "pissed Telly".  You see, when } the Skinhead thing caught on it really pissed Telly Sevales, who } thought is was plagiarism for some reason.  Yule Brenner considered } this poetic justice ("I have been vindicated by God", he once } remarked), but most people thought it was silly.  Certainly Sinead is } among the latter.  By dropping the "H" & "K" (hissed Kelly/pissed } Telly) from "Skinhead", the name "Sinead" implicitly denies any } conceptual link between the Skinhead movement and Telly Sevales.  In } doing so it renounces any cultural debt of British youth culture to } the television program "Kojak" and, by extension, to the U.S. } mass-media's commercialisation of the social tensions arising from } American urban decay.  That renunciation--which is clearly evident in } all Sinead's music--is both noble and necessary, for obvious reasons. } } Of course, you could have figured this all out yourself, by listening } to her records.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle! > I've just upgraded our UNIX and news software and I think e-mail > got screwed up. So I am trying to see if mail gets out or no. > For this reason I ask you: is our site's e-mail getting out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but is *is* putting out.  This is why your Unix is spawning so many } processes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Vice, please tell me this: > What is the correspondance between the qualities of the questions and > answers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} no.