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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've noticed that whenever I ask my Magic 8 Ball a question and > I don't like the answer, I can just ask the question again and > eventually it'll give me a better answer.  Are you the same way? > Or is it rude to resubmit questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a complex question so bear with me.  An answer is asked } at time t[1].  It is answered at time t[2].  The answer is, of } course valid when made, but may have become invalid by time t[3] } when it reaches the user.  Therefore, if a question is resubmitted } at time t[5], the petitioner will receive an answer at t[7] that } is valid at time t[6].  The times follow the following relation: } }       t[1]<t[2]<t[3]<t[4]<t[5]<t[6]<t[7] } } or rather would, if time were linear.  Time is, however, not } linear but complex or RxR following the rules of addition and } multiplication for complex numbers.  Therefore, t[1] is really } t[(1,k1)], t[2] is really t[(2,k2)] ... t[n] is really t[(n,kn)] } and the constants k1..kn are determined by which reality the } asker, the askee, and the asker at the time he receives the } answer are in.  Since their are uncountably infinite realities, } as suchested by the multidimensional nature of time, and humans } do not notice when they slip into another reality seeing as their } memories are adjusted to make them think, for instance, that } school buses were always yellow instead of flourescent pink } with psychodelic purple flowers, or that their parents are } middle class folks rather than the Grand Juigregsjfduiwe of } Bqjweifncdvj, Sovereign of Rehkluijkjh and King of the Surrounding } Void.  The answer is, therefore, that the answers, are all } correct, but for different time/reality configurations. } } You owe the Oracle your Crown.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was lying in the park with this chick named Samantha.  Actually, I was > whispering in her ear.  Suddenly this eight-year-old kid comes up to me, > kicks me in the arm, and says "Get your nose off my tutor or I'll nail > an angel to your mind." Ordinarily I wouldn't care pay much attention, > but this kid has a biker under one arm and a hammer in the other.  I got > the fuck out of there.  (Samantha won't speak to me.) If this happens > again, what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It just so happens that as I was in the bushes one fine warm evening } having intercourse with a schoolteacher named Miss Perez, there } suddenly appeared a great horde of fiercely possessive prepubescent } pugilists toting machetes & humming the "Horst Wessel Song" in an } ominous fashion.  They informed me that unless I was gentler with } their beloved Miss Perez I would be subjected to horrible, probably } fatal punishment involving castration and library paste.  Miss Perez } intervened, explaining how sometimes ladies like it kind of rough, & } reminding them that if she weren't into pain she would hardly have set } her hiney down in a bunch of thistles, would she?  Then I told the } terror tots about how I had suffered pain too, showing them my badly } scraped & bleeding knees.  Both of us talked to them about how bliss } and agony, pain and pleasure are really one, beating them with our } riding crops by way of explaination.  The children understood.  It was } beautiful. } } In your case however it's a little different, since Samatha actually } hired the kid.  So maybe it wasn't meant to be. } } You have to stay after & clean the erasers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a new doctoral student in comparative literature (attracted to the > subject by its acronym, C.LIT.).  I'm interested in working on > historical pornography.  I have noticed that many historical figures > have written very significant works in this genre, but have not been > given the credit they deserve.  For example, Eleanor of Acquitaine > really wrote AMY'S ASS AND ITS VISITORS.  How can I get the world to > recognize the literary and historical merit of my chosen specialty, and > get tenure at Harvard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For starters, take a look at the following suppressed classics. } Should you run into problems you can always send the Oracle a draft of } your dissertation (unexpurgated). } }       Jane Austen:  Perversion }       Anne Radcliffe:  The Romance of the Long, Long, Long Schlong }       Montaigne:  Concerning Small Girls }       T.E. Lawrence:  The Seven Pillars of Flesh }       Upton Sinclair:  Men, Meat, and Miracles }       A.A. Milne:  And Now We Are Fucked }       Laura Ingals Wilder:  Big Chief, Little Squaw }       Addison & Steele:  Sausage Examiner, Issues 1-136 }       J.D. Salinger:  Franny & Zooey & Holden & Seymore }       Robert Lewis Stevenson:  Pleasure Island }       Marquis de Sade:  A Treatise Concerning the Cartesian }                          Theory of Optics } } You owe the Orcale a five minute frolick with your thesis advisor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me why sex is so important.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle stands aghast at this question - why is SEX important?!! } }                       WHY SEX IS IMPORTANT } }                               by } }                        The Usenet Oracle } } Sex is important, as you can see, } To spark up a natural chemistry, } Which, combined with motions most bodily, } Results in the climax of ecstasy. } } Without sex, we ALL would be lost, } As alternate pleasures do come at great cost, } So scorn not that pure act that you don't understand, } And follow you this the Oracle's command: } } Have sex in the morning, have sex at night, } Have it while friendly, and during a fight, } Have it all day and when you are done, } Have it again, so you'll be number one. } } Have it with Alice, have it with Jan, } But PLEASE don't have sex with a man, } Have it with Ginger, have it with Flo, } Sex is real good for you don't you know? } } Having sex at least thrice a day, } Will not only keep the doctor at bay, } But also will help you keep up your vigor, } And rumors say that your organ get's bigger. } } You owe the Oracle a the address for Candy.sex.luscious.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Why oh why does our head of user services wish to remove all > games from our systems, prevent external logins and any other activities > not strictly for academic purposes?  Is he truly as wise as your > omnipotent self?  What does the future hold for humble users at our > site?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is loathe to inform you that your beloved head of user } services is, in fact, the net.satanic.imbecile.  He has somehow eluded } detection until now, when your inquiry brought him to my attention. } } The purpose of the net.satanic.imbecile is not fully known.  Some } think that its purpose is to wreak havoc and discord by citing } endless rules and documents, all the while denying responsibility for } them.  Others postulate that the net.satanic.imbecile's main function } is to repress the freedom of mortals by creating unfair regulations } and restrictions, under the guise of a caring and altruistic attitude. } The Oracle knows that the third function of the net.satanic.imbecile } is to stockpile Yak skins in a large 16'x16'x12' closet, in } preparation for the next Ice Age. } } The net.satanic.imbecile is not corporeal, but is actually a } ghost-like being, and needs to inhabit the bodies of others in order } to do its work.  It is the Oracle's opinion that your head of user } services is posessed by this foul creature. } } To dispel the net.satanic.imbecile from a human host, one must follow } these simple steps: } }       1)  Tie the host in a stationary position, and read it the }           Libertarian code six times } }       2)  Now, while it's confused, quickly describe to it an }           Utopian society WITHOUT RULES.  Let that sink in. } }       3)  It's defenses should be almost destroyed now, and all that }           awaits is the final blow:  tell the demonic thing that }           God's wonderful commandments don't necessarily have to }           be followed in order.  That should do it. } } By combatting the net.satanic.imbecile with the concept of disorder, } you will have successfully removed it's purpose for being:  it's } desire to have ordered and structured evil. } } As you have probably guessed, the net.satanic.imbecile has already } gotten itself too entrenched in the Financial Aid systems to be } eradicated.  Too bad. } } You owe the Oracle an extremely disorderly orderly, about 5'4", } blonde, with great dimensions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many skinheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oi!  Fuck!  Whatcha cock!  Okay then, you got one holds the fuckin' } ladder, two that puts on the new "Exploited" single, right, fuck! } Then you got five stand around sayin' Oi!  Fuck!  Three's paintin' } swastikas in the loo, six gotta go out & obtain the replacement bulb, } fuck me!  Four gotta fuck up the fuckin' Paki landlord, who ain't been } makin' timely repairs, has 'e now?  Oi!  Fuck!  Okay then!  So that's } fourteen, right?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Parliafunkadelicmentalistical Oracle, power-pimper of the pleasure > principle ... do fries go with that shake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  A chef salad comes with the shake.  Beet curls come with the shake. } Chicken necks deep fried in hot sauce served with Thousand Island } dressing and banana slices come with the shake.  A big steaming pot of } oyster stew comes with the shake.  A huge steaming dollop of mashed } potatoes and turnips topped with codfish gravy comes with the shake.  A } delicate bowl of stirfried snails and shallots comes with the shake.  A } basket of garlic-marshmallow bread comes with the shake.  A steaming } bucket of lobster-flavored dessert topping comes with the shake.  A } generous helping of lime jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise comes } with it.  A side order of sauerkraut and snake livers come with it. } } BUT NO FUCKING FRIES!  GOT THAT?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if your name were Sucroexrapcoboid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NO!  You guessed!  How could you have guessed that my name was } Sucroexrapcoboid!?  My plan was foolproof!  How could you have } guessed it?!  ARRGGGH!  <stomp stomp stomp stomp RIP> } } You no longer owe the Oracle your firstborn child.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My lover wants to make a porn movie "Ozma does Oxford"  What would it be > about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle, in his infinite wisdom, has gone into the future to } steal some movie reviews on 'Ozma does Oxford.' } } }                               OZMA DOES OXFORD }       a story about a girl with an attitude...and a preference } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Chicago Tribune - "'Ozma does Oxford' is a _magnificent_ film.  Never } has this critic seen the likes of Telly Savalas, Joan Rivers, Meryl } Streep, and Ethel Barrymore make such magic on the screen!  A must-see } for all those who like sodomy with their Wheaties in the morning." } } L. A. Times - "If I had to see a film over and over again for } eternity, I would choose without hesitation 'Ozma does Oxford'.  A } classic film about Ozma, a textile engineer with three personalities, } and her craving for Yuppie clothes, 'O.d.O.' is truly ranked up there } with the greats.  If for no other reason, I enjoyed the film's } alacrity, humor, and fine taste in men's wear.  A must see for lonely } Yuppies and women with no self-respect; it'll give 'em someone to } relate to." } } N. Y. Times - "This year's erotic thriller, 'Ozma does Oxford', is as } enchanting as it is witty and hilarious.  The scene where Ozma shoves } her lover's ding-dong into a blender steals the show.  Still, one } can't help but love her as she shackles him naked to a freight train } and sets his hair on fire.  Ozma (played by Meryl Streep) is both } lovable and repulsive, but it stands without question that her taste } in men's wear is definitely a cut above.  A must-see for } nymphomaniacs and male gynecologists with strong stomachs.  ***" } } National Enquirer - "Miracle Baby born with no legs but has infinite } sex drive after watching 'Ozma does Oxford'.  Oddly, family dog soon } becomes pregnant with alien religious fanatics.  Story, page 13." } } Gallup Independent - "Yea, 'Ozma does Oxford' is a cool movie and all, } but I just have one question - what's the plot?" } } Phoenix Sun - "If family values and excellent visual effects are what } you look for in a movie, then watch out; 'Ozma does Oxford' has none of } these qualities whatsoever.  A truly repulsive movie about a mad girl's } obsessive attitude towards polo shirts and twill blazers, 'O.d.O.' } attempts in vain to hold its viewers with lurid sex scenes and } pornographic pain.  Why, I had to watch the movie 16 times just to get } it all in!  As disgusting and gut-wrenching as it is, 'O.d.O.' is a } must-see for the Usenet Oracle, whose e-mail nausea has permeated the } majority of the nation and has decayed what little morals we had left } anyhow.  He deserves to suffer." } } You owe the Oracle that last reviewer's home address.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Right-to-Life candidate says that he'll accept any religious faith. > I am a neo-Pagan and a witch, celebrating Athene and Diana and Hecate > and others.  Will he really accept my religion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You sound very upset, my child. You have angers and frustrations that } need a guiding hand to solve. I think you need to find God. } } Which God, you say? Well let's DEAL THE CARDS!! } } YES! It's the most exciting advancement in religion since the } auto-da-fe! It's the Usenet Oracle's } } *************  DEAL-A-RELIGION(r)!!!! ************* } } Thanks to this amazing system developed in cooperation with Richard } Simmons, you can have an exciting, different, new set of beliefs every } day! } } Each card contains prayer and sacrifice instructions, as well as an } icon and/or autographed glossy of the daily deity. } } Listen to what this satisfied customer has to say! } "Dear Oracle, Being the son of Jewish and Catholic parents, I had a } lot of religious conflicts. But thanks to your new Deal-A-Religion(r), } I can just let the cards fall where they may! Yesterday I was a } Jehovah's Witness who practiced aboriginal fetish worship. Today, I'm } a Rostafarian who sacrifices gerbils to Huitzilopotchli! Thank you, } Usenet Oracle!" } } Deal-A-Religion(r)! You'll never again have to wonder what you really } believe in, 'cause it's in the cards! } } To order, dial 1-800-GO-2-HELL. That's 1-800-GO-2-HELL. Save COD } charges by strangling the delivery boy and hiding the body. } } (Coming soon: Deal-A-Stance-On-Abortion(r) for politicians!)