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Internet Oracularities #197

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Usenet Oracularities #197    (11 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Sep 90 13:36:33 -0500

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197   11 votes 13421 01631 11630 16112 03422 11333 23411 22241 01532 11333
197   3.2 mean  2.9   3.4   3.0   2.7   3.3   3.5   2.6   3.0   3.5   3.5


197-01    (13421 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've noticed that whenever I ask my Magic 8 Ball a question and
> I don't like the answer, I can just ask the question again and
> eventually it'll give me a better answer.  Are you the same way?
> Or is it rude to resubmit questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a complex question so bear with me.  An answer is asked
} at time t[1].  It is answered at time t[2].  The answer is, of
} course valid when made, but may have become invalid by time t[3]
} when it reaches the user.  Therefore, if a question is resubmitted
} at time t[5], the petitioner will receive an answer at t[7] that
} is valid at time t[6].  The times follow the following relation:
}
}       t[1]<t[2]<t[3]<t[4]<t[5]<t[6]<t[7]
}
} or rather would, if time were linear.  Time is, however, not
} linear but complex or RxR following the rules of addition and
} multiplication for complex numbers.  Therefore, t[1] is really
} t[(1,k1)], t[2] is really t[(2,k2)] ... t[n] is really t[(n,kn)]
} and the constants k1..kn are determined by which reality the
} asker, the askee, and the asker at the time he receives the
} answer are in.  Since their are uncountably infinite realities,
} as suchested by the multidimensional nature of time, and humans
} do not notice when they slip into another reality seeing as their
} memories are adjusted to make them think, for instance, that
} school buses were always yellow instead of flourescent pink
} with psychodelic purple flowers, or that their parents are
} middle class folks rather than the Grand Juigregsjfduiwe of
} Bqjweifncdvj, Sovereign of Rehkluijkjh and King of the Surrounding
} Void.  The answer is, therefore, that the answers, are all
} correct, but for different time/reality configurations.
}
} You owe the Oracle your Crown.


197-02    (01631 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was lying in the park with this chick named Samantha.  Actually, I was
> whispering in her ear.  Suddenly this eight-year-old kid comes up to me,
> kicks me in the arm, and says "Get your nose off my tutor or I'll nail
> an angel to your mind." Ordinarily I wouldn't care pay much attention,
> but this kid has a biker under one arm and a hammer in the other.  I got
> the fuck out of there.  (Samantha won't speak to me.) If this happens
> again, what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It just so happens that as I was in the bushes one fine warm evening
} having intercourse with a schoolteacher named Miss Perez, there
} suddenly appeared a great horde of fiercely possessive prepubescent
} pugilists toting machetes & humming the "Horst Wessel Song" in an
} ominous fashion.  They informed me that unless I was gentler with
} their beloved Miss Perez I would be subjected to horrible, probably
} fatal punishment involving castration and library paste.  Miss Perez
} intervened, explaining how sometimes ladies like it kind of rough, &
} reminding them that if she weren't into pain she would hardly have set
} her hiney down in a bunch of thistles, would she?  Then I told the
} terror tots about how I had suffered pain too, showing them my badly
} scraped & bleeding knees.  Both of us talked to them about how bliss
} and agony, pain and pleasure are really one, beating them with our
} riding crops by way of explaination.  The children understood.  It was
} beautiful.
}
} In your case however it's a little different, since Samatha actually
} hired the kid.  So maybe it wasn't meant to be.
}
} You have to stay after & clean the erasers.


197-03    (11630 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a new doctoral student in comparative literature (attracted to the
> subject by its acronym, C.LIT.).  I'm interested in working on
> historical pornography.  I have noticed that many historical figures
> have written very significant works in this genre, but have not been
> given the credit they deserve.  For example, Eleanor of Acquitaine
> really wrote AMY'S ASS AND ITS VISITORS.  How can I get the world to
> recognize the literary and historical merit of my chosen specialty, and
> get tenure at Harvard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For starters, take a look at the following suppressed classics.
} Should you run into problems you can always send the Oracle a draft of
} your dissertation (unexpurgated).
}
}       Jane Austen:  Perversion
}       Anne Radcliffe:  The Romance of the Long, Long, Long Schlong
}       Montaigne:  Concerning Small Girls
}       T.E. Lawrence:  The Seven Pillars of Flesh
}       Upton Sinclair:  Men, Meat, and Miracles
}       A.A. Milne:  And Now We Are Fucked
}       Laura Ingals Wilder:  Big Chief, Little Squaw
}       Addison & Steele:  Sausage Examiner, Issues 1-136
}       J.D. Salinger:  Franny & Zooey & Holden & Seymore
}       Robert Lewis Stevenson:  Pleasure Island
}       Marquis de Sade:  A Treatise Concerning the Cartesian
}                          Theory of Optics
}
} You owe the Orcale a five minute frolick with your thesis advisor.


197-04    (16112 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me why sex is so important.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle stands aghast at this question - why is SEX important?!!
}
}                       WHY SEX IS IMPORTANT
}
}                               by
}
}                        The Usenet Oracle
}
} Sex is important, as you can see,
} To spark up a natural chemistry,
} Which, combined with motions most bodily,
} Results in the climax of ecstasy.
}
} Without sex, we ALL would be lost,
} As alternate pleasures do come at great cost,
} So scorn not that pure act that you don't understand,
} And follow you this the Oracle's command:
}
} Have sex in the morning, have sex at night,
} Have it while friendly, and during a fight,
} Have it all day and when you are done,
} Have it again, so you'll be number one.
}
} Have it with Alice, have it with Jan,
} But PLEASE don't have sex with a man,
} Have it with Ginger, have it with Flo,
} Sex is real good for you don't you know?
}
} Having sex at least thrice a day,
} Will not only keep the doctor at bay,
} But also will help you keep up your vigor,
} And rumors say that your organ get's bigger.
}
} You owe the Oracle a the address for Candy.sex.luscious.


197-05    (03422 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Why oh why does our head of user services wish to remove all
> games from our systems, prevent external logins and any other activities
> not strictly for academic purposes?  Is he truly as wise as your
> omnipotent self?  What does the future hold for humble users at our
> site?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is loathe to inform you that your beloved head of user
} services is, in fact, the net.satanic.imbecile.  He has somehow eluded
} detection until now, when your inquiry brought him to my attention.
}
} The purpose of the net.satanic.imbecile is not fully known.  Some
} think that its purpose is to wreak havoc and discord by citing
} endless rules and documents, all the while denying responsibility for
} them.  Others postulate that the net.satanic.imbecile's main function
} is to repress the freedom of mortals by creating unfair regulations
} and restrictions, under the guise of a caring and altruistic attitude.
} The Oracle knows that the third function of the net.satanic.imbecile
} is to stockpile Yak skins in a large 16'x16'x12' closet, in
} preparation for the next Ice Age.
}
} The net.satanic.imbecile is not corporeal, but is actually a
} ghost-like being, and needs to inhabit the bodies of others in order
} to do its work.  It is the Oracle's opinion that your head of user
} services is posessed by this foul creature.
}
} To dispel the net.satanic.imbecile from a human host, one must follow
} these simple steps:
}
}       1)  Tie the host in a stationary position, and read it the
}           Libertarian code six times
}
}       2)  Now, while it's confused, quickly describe to it an
}           Utopian society WITHOUT RULES.  Let that sink in.
}
}       3)  It's defenses should be almost destroyed now, and all that
}           awaits is the final blow:  tell the demonic thing that
}           God's wonderful commandments don't necessarily have to
}           be followed in order.  That should do it.
}
} By combatting the net.satanic.imbecile with the concept of disorder,
} you will have successfully removed it's purpose for being:  it's
} desire to have ordered and structured evil.
}
} As you have probably guessed, the net.satanic.imbecile has already
} gotten itself too entrenched in the Financial Aid systems to be
} eradicated.  Too bad.
}
} You owe the Oracle an extremely disorderly orderly, about 5'4",
} blonde, with great dimensions.


197-06    (11333 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many skinheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oi!  Fuck!  Whatcha cock!  Okay then, you got one holds the fuckin'
} ladder, two that puts on the new "Exploited" single, right, fuck!
} Then you got five stand around sayin' Oi!  Fuck!  Three's paintin'
} swastikas in the loo, six gotta go out & obtain the replacement bulb,
} fuck me!  Four gotta fuck up the fuckin' Paki landlord, who ain't been
} makin' timely repairs, has 'e now?  Oi!  Fuck!  Okay then!  So that's
} fourteen, right?


197-07    (23411 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Parliafunkadelicmentalistical Oracle, power-pimper of the pleasure
> principle ... do fries go with that shake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  A chef salad comes with the shake.  Beet curls come with the shake.
} Chicken necks deep fried in hot sauce served with Thousand Island
} dressing and banana slices come with the shake.  A big steaming pot of
} oyster stew comes with the shake.  A huge steaming dollop of mashed
} potatoes and turnips topped with codfish gravy comes with the shake.  A
} delicate bowl of stirfried snails and shallots comes with the shake.  A
} basket of garlic-marshmallow bread comes with the shake.  A steaming
} bucket of lobster-flavored dessert topping comes with the shake.  A
} generous helping of lime jello marshmallow cottage cheese surprise comes
} with it.  A side order of sauerkraut and snake livers come with it.
}
} BUT NO FUCKING FRIES!  GOT THAT?


197-08    (22241 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if your name were Sucroexrapcoboid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NO!  You guessed!  How could you have guessed that my name was
} Sucroexrapcoboid!?  My plan was foolproof!  How could you have
} guessed it?!  ARRGGGH!  <stomp stomp stomp stomp RIP>
}
} You no longer owe the Oracle your firstborn child.


197-09    (01532 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My lover wants to make a porn movie "Ozma does Oxford"  What would it be
> about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle, in his infinite wisdom, has gone into the future to
} steal some movie reviews on 'Ozma does Oxford.'
}
}
}                               OZMA DOES OXFORD
}       a story about a girl with an attitude...and a preference
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Chicago Tribune - "'Ozma does Oxford' is a _magnificent_ film.  Never
} has this critic seen the likes of Telly Savalas, Joan Rivers, Meryl
} Streep, and Ethel Barrymore make such magic on the screen!  A must-see
} for all those who like sodomy with their Wheaties in the morning."
}
} L. A. Times - "If I had to see a film over and over again for
} eternity, I would choose without hesitation 'Ozma does Oxford'.  A
} classic film about Ozma, a textile engineer with three personalities,
} and her craving for Yuppie clothes, 'O.d.O.' is truly ranked up there
} with the greats.  If for no other reason, I enjoyed the film's
} alacrity, humor, and fine taste in men's wear.  A must see for lonely
} Yuppies and women with no self-respect; it'll give 'em someone to
} relate to."
}
} N. Y. Times - "This year's erotic thriller, 'Ozma does Oxford', is as
} enchanting as it is witty and hilarious.  The scene where Ozma shoves
} her lover's ding-dong into a blender steals the show.  Still, one
} can't help but love her as she shackles him naked to a freight train
} and sets his hair on fire.  Ozma (played by Meryl Streep) is both
} lovable and repulsive, but it stands without question that her taste
} in men's wear is definitely a cut above.  A must-see for
} nymphomaniacs and male gynecologists with strong stomachs.  ***"
}
} National Enquirer - "Miracle Baby born with no legs but has infinite
} sex drive after watching 'Ozma does Oxford'.  Oddly, family dog soon
} becomes pregnant with alien religious fanatics.  Story, page 13."
}
} Gallup Independent - "Yea, 'Ozma does Oxford' is a cool movie and all,
} but I just have one question - what's the plot?"
}
} Phoenix Sun - "If family values and excellent visual effects are what
} you look for in a movie, then watch out; 'Ozma does Oxford' has none of
} these qualities whatsoever.  A truly repulsive movie about a mad girl's
} obsessive attitude towards polo shirts and twill blazers, 'O.d.O.'
} attempts in vain to hold its viewers with lurid sex scenes and
} pornographic pain.  Why, I had to watch the movie 16 times just to get
} it all in!  As disgusting and gut-wrenching as it is, 'O.d.O.' is a
} must-see for the Usenet Oracle, whose e-mail nausea has permeated the
} majority of the nation and has decayed what little morals we had left
} anyhow.  He deserves to suffer."
}
} You owe the Oracle that last reviewer's home address.


197-10    (11333 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Right-to-Life candidate says that he'll accept any religious faith.
> I am a neo-Pagan and a witch, celebrating Athene and Diana and Hecate
> and others.  Will he really accept my religion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You sound very upset, my child. You have angers and frustrations that
} need a guiding hand to solve. I think you need to find God.
}
} Which God, you say? Well let's DEAL THE CARDS!!
}
} YES! It's the most exciting advancement in religion since the
} auto-da-fe! It's the Usenet Oracle's
}
} *************  DEAL-A-RELIGION(r)!!!! *************
}
} Thanks to this amazing system developed in cooperation with Richard
} Simmons, you can have an exciting, different, new set of beliefs every
} day!
}
} Each card contains prayer and sacrifice instructions, as well as an
} icon and/or autographed glossy of the daily deity.
}
} Listen to what this satisfied customer has to say!
} "Dear Oracle, Being the son of Jewish and Catholic parents, I had a
} lot of religious conflicts. But thanks to your new Deal-A-Religion(r),
} I can just let the cards fall where they may! Yesterday I was a
} Jehovah's Witness who practiced aboriginal fetish worship. Today, I'm
} a Rostafarian who sacrifices gerbils to Huitzilopotchli! Thank you,
} Usenet Oracle!"
}
} Deal-A-Religion(r)! You'll never again have to wonder what you really
} believe in, 'cause it's in the cards!
}
} To order, dial 1-800-GO-2-HELL. That's 1-800-GO-2-HELL. Save COD
} charges by strangling the delivery boy and hiding the body.
}
} (Coming soon: Deal-A-Stance-On-Abortion(r) for politicians!)


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