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Internet Oracularities #198

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198, 198-01, 198-02, 198-03, 198-04, 198-05, 198-06, 198-07, 198-08, 198-09, 198-10


Usenet Oracularities #198    (9 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 20 Sep 90 19:04:12 -0500

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198    9 votes 10233 44100 42300 20412 10161 01512 11232 22230 41310 13311
198   2.9 mean  3.8   1.7   1.9   3.1   3.7   3.4   3.4   2.7   2.1   2.8


198-01    (10233 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT COLOR IS THE SKY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First the horizon of expiring night is carressed by dawn's mauve
} fingers, which leave an imprint of magenta as the morn advances.  Soon
} hints of orange and royal blue appear, with glorious streaks of
} chartreuse, lavender and aqua-marine, followed by splashes sepia,
} peach, carrot, murky violet-gray, battleship gray, tarnished
} indian-head nickel silver-gray, fake fern green, emperor grape purple,
} royal purple, just-folks purple, jaundice yellow, glossy beige,
} off-white semi-gloss latex, and red devil hi-gloss yellow enamel
} primer.  As the evening sun descends, the eastern skies fade to a
} serene leisure suit blue with swashes of infected gum pink and several
} clumsy-looking patches of simulated oak veneer red-brown, which slowly
} fade as the majestic orb dims to a candy-corn orange and finally sinks
} from view, leaving us to wait expectantly for dawn's mauve fingers to
} carress the night horizon.


198-02    (44100 dist, 1.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [ Six hours later.  The play is still going on.  The only remaining
> audience members are THE ORACLE and BIFF.  MARX is alone on the stage;
> around him are the dead bodies of BRUNO BAUER, BAKUNIN, ENGELS, etc.
> etc. etc.  ]
>
> MARX: ... And now we may tear up the Gotha Program prepared by the
> mad wolf Lasalle and poisoned with the counter-revolutionary demand
> for equal pay for officials and workers.  Forward to socialist
> inequality and democracy!
>
> [ MARX takes off his beard and reveals the smiling face of
> COMRADE STALIN.  EXEUNT ALL. CURTAIN FALLS. ]
>
> BIFF: Well, Comrade Oracle, what do you think ?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Biff, old net.Groucho is rolling in his grave right now.  Someone
} taking the name Marx in vain like that.  Of course ol' KARL Marx is fair
} game, and can be splattered with sh** to one's heart's content.  And our
} actors tonight did a LOT of splattering.  And as bad, as genocidal, as
} paranoid, as pro-fascist, as much of a schmuck as Joe Stalin was, he
} doesn't deserve what he just got.  I mean being revealed as a
} totalitarian in a proletarian's clothing!  For shame!
}
} Who wrote this piece of crap anyway?  Oh, that's write, the
} net.socialist.parodist.  Such a yutz - he couldn't find his literary ass
} with both hands and a map.  He probably can't read.  But enough
} charecter assasination by the critic[the playwright did enough for both
} of us..., and made an ass of himself simultaneously]...
}
} Why did he have to kill off Bauer first?  The pedophile necrophiliac was
} the most interesting charecter in the play?  And to kill him in such a
} pitiful way?  I mean being trampled to death by a mob is at least, well,
} graphic.  Being stomped to death by a bunch of communist-anarchists
} doing the Mexican Hat Dance is just plain pathetic.
}
} And what he did to Bakunin?  Uggggggh - did he have to kill him that
} quickly?  I mean if you're going to go to the bother of torturing
} someone live and on stage, you might as well do it right.  A torturer
} who know his stuff can keep the subject writhing in agony for DAYS!
} This yutz took three MINUTES!  And it wasn't even real agony, just bush
} league pain.  And using poison to end it was downright boring.  He could
} at least have mixed the strychnine with tobasco sauce and made it
} INTERESTING.  Sheesh!
}
} Und Engels?  of what use was this yokel?  He just stood around and
} yes-manned Karl until Karl got sick of hearing his voice and slapped his
} mouth shut.  Broke his jaw in the process, which ultimately made things
} less interesting, but at least neither Karl/Joe nor I had to put up with
} the pathetic drivel any more.  And that killing?  Brother!  Joe, if he
} had been done anywhere close to realistically, would have had him beg
} for at least another half hour.  And had him do it on his KNEES!  Of
} course, killing him by lethal ingestion of Moria White Icky Things was a
} bit inspired.  Unfortunately it went right over the heads of most if
} tthe audience.  I mean, if you're going to have your charecter spew
} vomitus with his dying spasm, yuo might as well have him hit some of the
} audience with it!  A total waste of effort.
}
} All in all, on the Oracle's play ratings scale of 0 to 10, I'd give this
} thing [it wasn't a play, not even a 'fore play] a -8.3 .  It did have
} one or two interesting touches, but mostly is was just a bunch of crap.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete Shakespeare Video Library, and a case of
} Pepto.


198-03    (42300 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've sent in the many askme's this morning, and all the questions were
> either
>
>   "SaTAN!"
>
> or
>
>   "What if your name were Gomez?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some tacky newcomer thinks it's cute to annoy The Oracle with these
} little e-mail annoyances.  Don't worry, his penis is shrinking 1/16 of
} an inch for each stupid question he sends.  At this rate, he'll be
} genderless within 2 days.
}
} You owe The Oracle a UUCP bang-path to Upper Volta.


198-04    (20412 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,
>
> Why does everyone keep calling me "Flipper?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Amazing!  Not only has the creature learned to type on the computer
} keyboard with his snout, but he did it while catching three rings
} and jumping through a burning hoop with a triple back-flip!  Throw
} him a fish, Jack!


198-05    (10161 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What makes a woman love a man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Women Love Men
}       when they're honest and true
}       Women Love Men
}       when they say "I Love You"
}       Women Love Men
}       who are thoughtful and sweet
}       Women Love Men
}       with very big feet
}       Women Love Men
}       who are noble and good
}       Women Love Men
}       with peckers of wood
}       Women Love Men
}       when they're gentle, of course
}       But they'll all boink the boy
}       who's hung like a horse
}
}       You owe the Ory a cliche'


198-06    (01512 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, Seer of all, I beseech thee to tell me
> why I was circumcised?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Why oh why were you circumsized?
}       Why was it removed? What reason, oh wise?
}       For what great purpose, which came under what guise?
}       Why oh My Wisdom were you circumsized?
}
}       Were you parents Jewish, Orthodox or Reform?
}       Were they part of a sect where this was the norm?
}       Were there medical reasons - in what shape or form?
}       That they sliced it away, your foreskin they prized?
}       Why my dear sir were you circumsized?
}
}       For what occult reason would they wish to release,
}       Your tool from its forecoat, that delicate piece?
}       So you'd scream bloody murder, s'though you'd not cease?
}       Were they sadists, your parents, or just bent and creased?
}
}       Why my young man were you circumsized?
}       That outer skin peeled off and your penis revised?
}       Throughout the nation, go out the loud cries?
}       Why did you my parents, have me circumsized?
}
} The Oracle tells you to ask your mother.
}
} You owe the Oracle the foreskin of your firstborn son.


198-07    (11232 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>         I have a problem.  I'm a nerdy sort of grad student, and there's
> this cute little undergrad girl infatuated with me.  She's an adorable
> elfin little woman, and although she's not quite my type, she's
> delightful to cuddle, and soft, and warm, and nicely shaped, and it
> feels so good to hold her scrumptious little body in my arms.
>         I've never had a steady girlfriend before.  The trouble is that
> although she really relieves my loneliness, I don't love her.  And we
> have some deep differences in beliefs and taste that would really get in
> the way of a serious relationship.  I don't want to string her on, only
> to have to dump her cruelly later; on the other hand, I'm lonely, and
> she fancies me (and has hinted that she'd have sex with me if I really
> wanted it).  Any suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, my friend, the Omniscient and Incidentally Very Attractive
} Oracle has pondered his many tomes and has come up with these excerpts
} that might help you in your predicament:
}
} From 'Halshey's Handbook on Harmonious Happenings,' we read:
}
}       "...and why in the hell not?  After all, cheap, lusty
}        sex is still better than the 'm' word!"
}
} From 'How To Schlep the Schlong for Long' by Miller, we see:
}
}       "     I feel that I am morally right when I say that
}        having your way with a woman that you _know_ you
}        cannot stand is simply ecstacy; I can think of no
}        finer pleasure.  Besides, if she doesn't prove up-to-
}        snuff, then you can discard her without a second
}        thought."
}
} For an opposing view, we turn to a little-known Shakespearian excerpt
} from his unpublished play, "My, That Hurts!":
}
}       "...and so it shall be.  But nay, nay, nay, I say, that
}        in fact thou mustn't use her as if she were some sack,
}        to be thrown away like chaff that hath left the seed;
}        nay, my heart should be sickened to hear one say, 'Screw
}        the bitch, and dump her thus!'  Much dismay hath mine
}        sorry ears afforded from these utterances, and I'll not
}        advise it ever!"
}
} Amberige Perkins III Jr. writes:
}
}       "Oh, definitely, the c*nt must be laid; but rememberest
}        thou that thine emotions are laid within the bitch
}        during intimacy, and it is these emotions that shall
}        later enable the bloody gal to control thy very
}        life!"
}
} So you see, it is up to you to make the decision.  Lisa advises me
} that lusty sex isn't all that it's cracked up to be (I disagree), but
} that after 40 or 50 years of it, it gets kinda boring.
}
} Just don't forget to use protection; usually one or two well-trained
} dobermans will do.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pendant 'Protection from Flames,' so that my
} account is not beriddled with feminist mail for the next year.


198-08    (22230 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are some good questions to ask the Burger King Hotline?
> (1800YES1800)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my supplicant, you have the oracle hungry and thinking.
}
} Try these questions upon the wittless burger nerds in sunny miami
} florida.
}
} 1) What are the directions to the nearest mcdonalds.
}
} 2) Does Dave Thomas really have daughters?
}
} 3) If he's a king, where's his throne?  Where are his nubile young
} princesses?
}
} 4) How many rat hairs and feces do the federal inspectors allow into a
} whopper?
}
} 5) How many were in the one you just ate?
}
} 6) What is the meaning behind those cryptic letter schemes in the old
} cash registers.
}
} 7) Why have the only mass murders in fast food restaraunts occured only
} in McDonalds?  And how much did you pay the guy?
}
} 8) Is it true BK has a contract to dispose of toxic waste?
}
} 9) How many questions do I have to ask before the consumer affairs rep
} calls me back.
}
} 10) Is it true the CA rep has no genitalia?
}
} You owe the oracle one happy meal.


198-09    (41310 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh m ost mi ght y o rac le, bef ore w hos e inf in ite wi sdo m I am but
> as ca mel turd in the e ndl ess de sert of net-dom!  I b ese ech thee!
>
> Why i s it, wh en  I ty pe at th e  ter mi nal in th e nu de, tha t
> the re   a re the se extr ane ous  sp ace s in ever yth in g   th at
> I ty pe?  Is i t  bec au se some thi ng is hi tti ng  the spa ce
> bar?  Wha t  co uld  it be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pick one answer from column A or one from column B:
}
} Column_A________________________|Column_B_________________________
} Usually I'd suspect something   |Oh, yes, it's probably your big
} hitting the space bar, but in   |virile manly dick putting all
} your case I strongly doubt it.  |those spaces in, making your
} Probably the conductive charge  |sentences skip a beat, just like
} of your body is having an effect|my heart is doing right now at
} on the comm lines.  You should  |the very thought of you!  Give
} register yourself with the FCC. |the Oracle a call right now at
} Be advised that you may spontan-|1-800-YES-1-800 and let's make
} eously combust someday.         |a hot 'n' steamy date!


198-10    (13311 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the Soviet Union has actually joined the net, or is it
> just some big hoax?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Da, tovarishch.  Vladivar moskovya nyet relska gudyenko, vissiarionovich
} danske mobler ivanov kerchanski.  Nadia?
}
} Dosvadania,
}           Oraclovich


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