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Internet Oracularities #199

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199, 199-01, 199-02, 199-03, 199-04, 199-05, 199-06, 199-07, 199-08, 199-09, 199-10


Usenet Oracularities #199    (10 votes, 2.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 27 Sep 90 18:15:15 -0500

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199   10 votes 33202 33220 14320 14401 22312 12340 34300 42211 24211 31321
199   2.5 mean  2.5   2.3   2.6   2.6   2.9   3.0   2.0   2.3   2.5   2.7


199-01    (33202 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, crammed with worldly wisdom,
>       "The Simpsons" is clearly meant to be a vicious satire on the
> typical American family.  And it is, as anyone familiar with Matt
> Groening's earlier efforts (such as the "Life in Hell" comic strip)
> will realize.  The problem is that _people_are_taking_it_seriously_!
> They think of it as "The Flintstones" or something like that.  And
> kids are emulating Bart Simpson, and Groening is licensing the Simpsons
> for everything from dolls to candies to T-shirts to...heck, toilet
> paper for all I know.
>       Will the average Simpsons fan ever Get the Goddam Joke and
> realize that he himself is being parodied and insulted?  Should I
> spend time trying to make innocents realize that they are being
> ridiculed, and _paying_ to be ridiculed, or should I just not give a
> damn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rant, rave, scream all you like.  You'll never get the average American
} to realize that "The Simpsons" is meant as a direct insult to him and to
} all he holds dear.  Nope, _nein_, _nyet_, nofuckingway.  Mr.  Groening
} is being a dirty swine here by raking in the shekels and letting people
} think that "The Simpsons" is just, as a friend of a friend put it, "a
} Fanfare for the Common Dude," but short of killing Groening, there's not
} much you can do about it.  So simply feel superior to the poor Yahoos
} who don't Get The Joke and don't let it trouble you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Bart Simpson costume for Hallowe'en.


199-02    (33220 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty all-seeing all-knowing all-gweeping oracle:
>
> How come aej won't up my quota?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because he knows that you won't use the bigger quota properly.  Look at
} you now:  70M of disk, you've got all the Usenet Oracularities, not
} merely uncompressed, but in both the original version and another run
} through "jive." And the entire KJV Bible run through "jive." And every
} version of nethack ever released.  And megs upon megs more of utter
} bunkum, and you want your quota should be raised?  Oy!  Delete some of
} the crap first, little buddy, or the Evil Creatures will come and get
} you.


199-03    (14320 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IF EVERYONE IN THE WORLD FARTED AT ONCE, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, BIFF!  So glad to have you sending questions to the Oracle!
}
} Anyway, there would be a lot of noise and a nasty smell in the air and a
} lot of shamefaced people (though it wouldn't be so bad because everybody
} would have done it), and in a few places the methane gas in the farts
} might be sufficient to cause small fires and explosions in which a few
} people might be killed.  A few people would write magazine articles
} about it, the media would have a field day, a few religious-nuts would
} claim that it was a Sign from God or Somebody, and presently life would
} return to normal.  Big deal.  Nothing to make a stink about, heh heh
} heh.


199-04    (14401 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, wisest in all matters of true love, please answer this, my
> inquiry:
>
> Whatever happened to the Luscious Redhead and the Wormy Guy With
> Glasses after their long and steamy courtship in the personals of the
> school newspaper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Luscious Redhead fell in love with a biker named Sniffen Glue and
} rode off into the sunset with him.  Unfortunately, the Sniffen never
} learned that one is not supposed to look directly at the sun, which he
} did.  He eventually became blind and drove through people's yard's
} grasses; he killed a young boy's dog.  The young boy, in a fit of anger,
} decided he would rob a liquor store and buy himself a new dog, which he
} did, shooting the owner.  Meanwhile, back at the Harley, the now blinded
} Sniffen Glue hit a tractor out on a hay ride, and killed Siffen, but
} sent Luscious Redhead flying.  She landed on the hay ride and fell in
} love with a German Shephard named Rex, whom she eventually moved in
} with.  They now have three puppies, named Opey, Dopey and Copey, a nice,
} brand-new dog house with a tree next to it (the outside bathroom) and a
} two-lane highway so they can chase cars as one big happy family.  The
} Wormy Guy With Glasses uneventually answered another guys personal in an
} another newspaper in another city in another state in another country in
} another dimension and changed his name to Cheezey Gay With Contacts And
} Vaseline.  They eventually moved in together, caught aides
} (presidential) and died.
}
} You owe the Oracle an eventually happy story to tell my kids.


199-05    (22312 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>         I just met this stunning blonde the other day.  Just the thought
> of her arouses me.  She likes me but I'm quite sure that she doesn't
> love me.  Is there some way to make her infatuated with me -- a love
> potion or something like that?  She really is a knockout -- a woman in a
> million.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hot babes with blond hair.
}       Hot lust flying everywhere.
}       She does not truly reciprocate,
}       What can I do about this state?
}
}       Her presence makes your pulse rate climb.
}       A true brick outhouse, really prime.
}       She does not love you, this you state.
}       While you she likes, bed you don't rate.
}
}       So now my friend what can you do?
}       To get this gal in bed with you?
}       A love potion, or some such thing,
}       To make your bods in tune to sing?
}
}       Here my son, is what you do,
}       To get this girl in bed with you.
}
}
}       <sh**t sh**t sh**t sh**t>
}
}       <what a time to get writer's block.....>
}
}       LISA!!!!! WHAT'S A GOOD CLOSING COUPLET FOR THIS THING?
}
} <Breathy voice>%Well, Orry, as far as I can see,
}       No way he's getting to screw me!
}
}
} You owe the Oracle eight cases of comdoms, ribbed, and a new rhyming
} dictionary.


199-06    (12340 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS THE FORCAST FOR THE WEATHER ON JUNE 5TH 2010?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The weather forecast for June 5, 2010:
} On the west coast, sponsored by Juicy Fruit, extremely hot & clammy,
} making the entire female population put on their teeny-weeniest pink and
} neon green swimsuit and roam the beaches in hoards, offering everybody
} chewing gum.  In Tempee, Arizona:  Slippery roads, sponsored by
} Goodyear.  Cleveland:  No weather at all.  And for you folks in Narnia:
} Still winter for another eight hundred years.  Tough luck guys.
} Greenwich Village:  Wonderful, absolutely M-A-R-V-E-L-L-O-U-S weather on
} June 5, June 6, June 7, the rest of the month, July, August, the entire
} fall, winter, and the best part of next spring.  The rest of the
} country:  Storm.  In Europe, Africa, and Asia:  Hailstorms, thunder and
} drifting icebergs on ANY location you might want to visit on your
} vacation.  And if you live in any of the blue areas on the map, don't
} forget to put on your macs.  Last but not least:  Weird hurricanes
} striking anyone who won't immediately send money, stuffed octopii, or a
} pair of pixie boots to the Oracle.


199-07    (34300 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What type of psychotherapist has the best flavor?  I've tried Freudians
> and they taste simply horrid, and friends who've eaten Jungians say that
> they taste pretty good, but what type do you suggest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle cannot say.  However, the Oracle must say that anybody
} who has an oral fixation for Freud's and Jung's must be one sick puppy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big juicy lollipop...


199-08    (42211 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> MOST DEAR ORACLE PLEASE TELL ME THE PURPOSE OF ASKING YOU A QUESTION?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, dear child, there are many reasons for asking me a question.  Maybe
} you need a few key concepts of life and livingness cleared up.  Maybe
} you've received promising signs from a girl and you need some advice.
} Maybe you're about to commit suicide and you need a voice of calm and
} rationality to talk you out of it.  Maybe you're about to slice your
} roommate into bloody quivering pieces and throw them down the garbage
} disposal, and you need a way to dispose of the bones!  Maybe you're
} about to start swallowing live macaws, and you want to know whether or
} not it's a good idea!  Maybe you're about to go stark, staring, raving
} mad, and you need someone to unload on before you go on a wild
} interstate killing rampage, exploding the heads of people and sheep
} alike, tearing up interstate freeways, and laying waste to farmland and
} badlands alike!!!!
}
} ...  but after all, the best reason for asking a question is to give me
} something to post in the Oracularities on rec.humor, isn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle a chill pill.


199-09    (24211 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most pungent Oracle,
>
> I request of thee a reply:
>
> What should we do with you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You could ask for a copy of my Greatest Hits album:
}
}       > Why hasn't anyone killed Robin Leach yet?
}
}       Nobody has found enough salt to pour on him.
}
} You could ask for original songs by the original artists:
}
}       "Last niiiiight, I masturbated,
}       It felt so good, I knew it would,
}
}       Last niiiiight, I masturbated,
}       It felt so nice, I did it twice,
}
}       Mashed it, bashed it, threw it on the floor,
}       Smacked it, cracked it, slammed it in the door,
}
}       I beat my meat, I beat my meat, I beat my MEEEEEAT,
}       I beat my meat, I beat my meat, I beat my MEEEEEAT..."
}
}                               (From "The ECE Major's Anthem")
}
} Or of course you could ask me questions like I was some low-rate
} Dear Abby:
}
}       > Oh Oracle tell me please, right now I'm in the terminal room
}       > playing TinyMud (nothing unusual, that's all I ever do) and
}       > a girl walked in (I think it was a girl, I'm not sure but
}       > I've seen pictures in books) and she looked at me for almost
}       > half a second!  Does she want my dick pounding in her night
}       > after night?  Please tell me!  She might finish typing her
}       > essay any second!
}
} And I could give answers more along the lines of Mr. Mike's Least
} Loved Bedtime Stories:
}
}       No, of course not!  You stupid dimwit!  All you do all day
}       is play TinyMud and avoid reality!  Get a life!  Of course,
}       the reason I'm being so caustic is because I have the same
}       problem, but I'd never admit to it.
}
} But the best thing you can do with me is give me total setup
} questions so I can get posted on the Usenet Oracularities and become
} famous.
}
} The Oracle has orificed.


199-10    (31321 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what does kerry think of me?  Please tell me Wiseone.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kerry, Kerry, bright and merry
} What d'you think o'this geek?
} "He's really strange, and he should change
} His socks -- they really reek!"
}
} Kerry, Kerry, bright and merry
} Could this geek have your affection?
} "It seems unfair, but he should prepare
} Himself for a big rejection."


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