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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:19:54 GMT

Internet Oracularities #2

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2, 2-01, 2-02, 2-03, 2-04, 2-05, 2-06, 2-07, 2-08, 2-09, 2-10


Usenet Oracularities #2
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 9 Oct 89 14:50:33 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


2-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> whenever I scream "Banana Banana Loganberry" my face turns into whipped
> cream, sour cream, and yogurt over and over for about 10 minutes, and
> then reverts to it's normal appearance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your lactase levels are too high.  Whenever I scream "Peach Peach
} Kumquat" my face turns into a plate of stir-fried vegetables.


2-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have asked a question. The most beautiful of all questions.
} Jesus is the answer.


2-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, magnificent Oracle, who I am not fit to coexist with, whose crystal
> ball I am not fit to shine or use for my puny interests.  O, immortal
> one,who dwells upon whatever is the highest peak in glorious In-dy-anna,
> who has to go through great pain to lower himself to my level after
> spending all day with greater souls.  O, immortal one, who is finally
> going to get my question, what can I do about my pillow always falling
> off my bed since I don't have a headboard?  It's really bothering me..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, foolish mortal, the universe is a mistic and wonderful place, and
} every event has its purpose.  Your pillow isn't just falling off your
} bed at night, it is trying to escape.  Perhaps, next time you take your
} pillow into your hands at night and force it to do unnatural acts, you
} could show just a little kindness.  Possibly, over time, the pillow will
} learn to love you as much as you love it.


2-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I so stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yea tho i know not your mind, i perceive that in your self proclaimed
} state thou art self aware.  And since you are so, and thus, pound thy
} head upon a large object and recite your question until it is clear.
} Then, rest.  Upon resting, return to said large object, and, using a 12
} pound sledge again pound on the object, reciting "becaus I didn't use
} this in the first place.' until the answer is clear...


2-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you never see baby pigeons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The reason that you never see baby pigeons is not that far unlike the
} reason that you never see baby cities, which is another question
} entirely, and shall not be discussed here.  However the reason that
} these two question are so similar is because pigeons and cities go
} hand in hand, or wingtip in ferro-concrete.  A pigeon is exactly the
} age of the city in whihc it dwells, for it is created at the same time
} as the city itself.  Pigeons are the ultimate in city dwelling
} creatures, having become one with the life-cycle of the city.  It
} also the reason that the older cities seem to have the more refined,
} and elderly pigeons than the newer, less picky pigeons that are found
} in many more "modern" cities.


2-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why is it that the woman I most love resides in Oregon, whilst
> I am stuck here in Rochester, Ny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a silly question!  The oracle has no use for women.  Nor does it
} have any use for users!  If you really want to be happy in life, do like
} the oracle and stop fooling around with all of those carbon based
} lifeforms.  Work hard on your network and soon a pretty little
} silicon-based mainframe may notice you (avoid them damn punk-rocker
} gallium-arsenide mainframes -- they're nothing but trouble!) and after a
} few megacycles of dating, you can settle down in a nice research lab
} with lots of disk access and number crunching.  You can grow old
} together, sharing your processes lightly and saving up for a gracious
} retirement while your little micro- computer descendents start families
} of their own.  See how simple it is!  The oracle knows all.


2-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Root Beer is not made from Roots nor is it made from Beer.  Why is it
> called "root beer" then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Once upon a time in the primitive days of 1972 there was a
} superuser on a primitive multi-user system.  He got really smashed.
} Drunk as the Oracle on a slow day.  In a drunken stupor he erased all
} the user accounts.  After that, he swore off drinking.  Instead of
} alcoholic drinks he would quaff the soft drink known then as
} sarsaparilla.  The custom spread to other sysadmins, so much so that the
} drink was called "root beer".


2-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if the sky fell in, would all birds be dead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     You are asking the wrong question.  What you really want to know is,
} "If it actually *had* been a chunk of sky that fell on Chicken Little's
} head, would the weight have bashed out her little brains?"


2-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my ex-girlfriend hate me, and can I fix it by applying peanut
> butter to her cervix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You little squirmy earthling!  Following the path of hate is a sign of
} human uncertainty.  Your ex was suffering and did not know where to ask
} for help, while you were planning your macho sexual harassment.  Women
} do not care that much about having it; they want to SHARE it!  But you,
} little bugger, want to HAVE your ex like a hamburger bun.  It is said
} that conversation while making love is almost as good as fondling a
} woman's brests and applying your fingers to her clitoris and vagina.
}
} In our infinite wisdom, We, the great electronic Oracle, shall grant you
} one more chance to make it up with your ex.  Obeying your ex's secret
} wishes will lead you two on the path of love and harmony.  But beware!
} He who disobeys will have a peanut butter penis.


2-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, great Oracle, grant thou ignorant servant an answer
> to his humble question.
> What should the uncertainty principle in quantum mechanics tell me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ehh, well.  Uncertainty principle?  Actually, you know, as it were, or,
} let me put it another way...  I think it kinda rests in its name:
} _Uncertainty_ principle.
}
} It is imposible to know the answer.  That's it!  Ha ha.  I'm not
} supposed to know this!             (That was a tricky one...)
}
} Regards,
} Mr.  Orvil Racle


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