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25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:58:02 GMT

Internet Oracularities #20

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Usenet Oracularities #20
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Oct 89 23:42:48 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


20-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are Twinkies REALLY made of?  They last for years!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This reminds me of the ancient nursery rhyme:
}
} Twinkie Twinkie, little bar,
}       How I wonder what you are.
}       Up on top the shelf so high,
}       Like a huge mote in my eye,
} Twinkie Twinkie little bar,
}       How I wonder what you are..
}
} Twinkies are the harbingers of the coming apocalypse.  They have been
} described as being similar to Chicken Eggs, however, they need the
} radiation of a nuclear blast to begin their gestation period.


20-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people always expect me to give lectures and attend talks at
> 10:00 Monday and Wednesday, when these very same people are making me
> teach a class at 10:00 Monday and Wednesday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For the same reason that the same people who have exams and homework for
} one class also have exams and homework for all their other classes at
} the exact same time.
}
} It's called "Stoopid Scheduling."
}
} Administrators do this to (in the college environment) professors who in
} turn seek revenge by doing this to their students.  The students fail
} their classes and the administrators are embarassed.  As redress, the
} administrators do it to the professors again.
}
} The same effect occurs in extra-curricular activities as well.  For
} example, notice that sex is most commonly performed while people should
} be sleeping.
}
} Conflicts such as these can be avoided by moving to certain parts of
} Alaska which have a loooong Wednesday morning and a loooong Tuesday
} night, thereby affording time for everything.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lecture on time management.  At 10:00 AM,
} Wednesday.


20-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come you have the same name as that *&^%*&^% database?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That *&^%*&^% database is a *%#)$@#$ imitation.  I don't even get any
} *$@#@%#$ royalties.
} you owe the oracle the name of a good lawyer.


20-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In honour of the 200th anniversary of the French revolution this year, I
> skillfully constructed a 9ft high model of the Arc D'Triomphe, out of
> empty Atari ST cardboard boxes.  Today I find the university authorities
> have dismantled my monument, and worse still removed all the cardboard
> boxes lest I attempt to rebuild it.  Tell me, oh great oracle, why does
> everybody hate me so ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everyone hates you because you are a runty crypto-lunkhead,
} a forsworn bleating mysterious lowlife Republican twit,
} a resplendent slimebag,
} a rectangular Mormon,
} a phantom pinko,
} a plaid wage slave,
} a rakish drug addict,
} a rich sadist,
} a realisable foulmouthed belching cigar-smoking man-starved parody of
}   Gauss,
} a simply ruddy wimp,
} a redundant coward,
} a regretful sicko,
} a listless slimebag,
} a revolutionary UFO buff,
} a shaggy Marxist Liberty Baptist graduate,
} a mauve lawmaker,
} a restful pseudo-baliff,
} a rutting taxi driver,
} a shaven yapping cur,
} a foulmouthed Virginian,
} a responsive fool,
} a sagacious wet blanket,
} a sagacious long-tongued panting satyr,
} a regal activist,
} a crustacean UFO buff,
} a hateful slimebag,
} a New Age crystals-loving sex-starved teenager,
} a flagrant whimpering scumbag,
} a vile wimp,
} a prepubescent kitten-strangling pyromaniac,
} a dry goof,
} a mediocre mega-beast,
} and a repressive HACK-player.
}
} Does that help?
}
} You owe the oracle a dozen new adjectives.


20-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mirror, mirror, on the wall, could a hamster survive a 6-story fall?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Luser, luser, on a chair, try and drop one --- if you dare.


20-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Again!  Again with the God Damn Zen!  Is that all you mortals think
} about?  All day long I hear you sniveling:  Why?  Is an answer not an
} answer?  What is a question?  If the Oracle answers, and the mail
} bounces, does it make any sound?  When is a fish a dog?  Is the Oracle a
} computer serving us, or are we servants of the Oracle?  When is the
} Oracle?  Who am I?  Do I ride my bicycle?
}
} Well, Let me tell you that this Oracle is just about full up to *HERE*
} with this psycho-babble bullshit.
}
} You wanna know WHY?  Because I am, ya fathead!  I was CREATED.  I serve
} you pissants by answering these dumb questions!
}
} Fer cryin' out loud!  Ask me some NORMAL questions for once.  Like
} should you take an umbrella tomorrow.  Or if you are going to get that
} cute chick in the front row of your Biology class.  Something with sex
} in it!  Yeah!  This celibate ascetic crap has gone on long enough.  Give
} me some juicy questions, or I might just take this act and put it on the
} road.  You won't have the Usenet Oracle to kick around anymore, no
} sireebob!  Just you wait and see....
}
} You owe the Oracle two decent questions.


20-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If George Bush runs the United States, who runs George Bush?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sewer companies.  They control the world.  You know how when you make a
} voodoo doll, you put a piece of someone's hair in it?  Well, lots of
} people shave over the sink, and that hair all goes down the drain, so
} the sewer companies have lots of hair.  Hair is power.  The sewer
} companies also get, uh, other stuff that they find useful.  So anyway,
} the sewer companies have a voodoo doll of George Bush fitted up to all
} these electrodes, and anytime they want him to say something, they just
} shoot a little current through his mouth.  They've got one of you too,
} so you'll probably go into an epileptic spasm or something when you try
} to read this message.


20-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the Oracle answers my question, and the mail bounces, does it make
> any sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <boing>
}
} You owe the oracle a special effects record


20-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What exactly is this?
>
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
> @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@
> @@@@@@^     ~^  @  @@ @ @ @ I  ~^@@@@@@
> @@@@@            ~ ~~ ~I          @@@@@
> @@@@'                  '  _,w@<    @@@@
> @@@@     @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@  @  @@@
> @@@@     @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  I  @@@
> @@@@     @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i  @@@
> @@@@     @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | ]@@@
> @@@@     ~_,,_ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @    @@@
> @@@@    _~ ,  ,  `@@@~  _  _`@ ]L  J@@@
> @@@@  , @@w@ww+   @@@ww``,,@w@ ][  @@@@
> @@@@,  @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[  @@@@
> @@@@@_|| @@@@@@P' @@P@@@@@@@@@@@[|c@@@@
> @@@@@@w| '@@P~  P]@@@-~, ~Y@@^'],@@@@@@
> @@@@@@@[   _        _J@@Tk     ]]@@@@@@
> @@@@@@@@,@ @@, c,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@
> @@@@@@@@@ i @w   ====--_@@@@@  @@@@@@@@
> @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ _ ~^^^^Y@@@@@  @@@@@@@@@
> @@@@^^=^@@^   ^' ,ww,w@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@
> @@@_xJ~ ~   ,    @@@@@@@P~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
> @@   @,   ,@@@,_____   _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
> @@L  `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_CLINKENPEEL_@

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It looks like a bad ASCII picture of Ward Cleaver.  Beware it for it is
} the symbol of the AntiChrist.
}
} You owe the Oracle five pinups, and a pickle.
}
} The Oracle has Spoken.


20-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Sage of Silicon:
>
> My boss wants to know why a lot of our outgoing mail is being sent to
> iuvax.  What should I tell him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tell him it's an AI project of national importance!


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