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20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:09:23 GMT

Internet Oracularities #200

Goto:
200, 200-01, 200-02, 200-03, 200-04, 200-05, 200-06, 200-07, 200-08, 200-09, 200-10


Usenet Oracularities #200    (11 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 28 Sep 90 17:57:27 -0500

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200   11 votes 41510 12611 45200 13322 24410 32240 13430 12440 21404 03332
200   2.8 mean  2.3   2.9   1.8   3.1   2.4   2.6   2.8   3.0   3.3   3.4


200-01    (41510 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT DID MAT AND KIM ARGUE ABOUT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Matt wants to have a sex-change operation so that he/she can wear nylons
} in public and be called Matilda instead of Matt.  Kim is in love with
} Matt and doesn't want him to have his balls cut off, etc.  Hence the
} argument.
}
} Meanwhile, in sunny Rio, Jill is having her toes nibbled by the
} mysterious Dr.  Alonzo, as her 12-year-old genius sister Emily is
} working out a unified field theory in the next hotel room and feeding
} stale cashews to the macaw.


200-02    (12611 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did sex get to be known as "screwing" when the male penis doesn't
> even have threads?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, your penis doesn't have threads?  What are you, a freak or
} something?  Almost all male penises have threads!  Innocent little
} child, where have you been hiding yourself?  You've never been in a
} locker room?  You've never seen photographs of naked men?  You've never
} read those tragic stories about star-crossed lovers whose threads didn't
} run in compatible directions?  Don't you ever read anything?


200-03    (45200 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do theoretical computer scientists get NP-hard-ons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, because for the average computer geek, doing something about them
} is an NP-hard (if not PSPACE-hard) problem, and hence intractable.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Kleenex and a copy of Garey and Johnson.


200-04    (13322 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         What will happen in  the learning center this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly learning center's high point for the coming year will be
} February 14, 1991.  Various SUNY faculty members and administrators will
} be touring the center, discussing its facilities and so on.  Soon the
} conversation will drift to politics, & especially to the need for U.S.
} military cutbacks given the post-cold war political landscape.
} Professor Zebrowski will begin lamenting the military's wastefulness.
} "Do you realize those Pentagon guys pay up to $500 for A SINGLE SCREW!?"
} he'll ask.  Ms.  Hantman will reply, "Oh, is that how much Jean
} Kirkpatrick is charging these days?" All eleven people who hear this
} remark will ignore it, except Professor Steinberg, who will kind of
} snort.  The rest of the year will seem anticlimactic by comparison,
} excepting perhaps the July 17th truck bomb.


200-05    (24410 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I could use some advice.
>
> We at the Central Intelligence Agency have for years actively done the
> public relations thing and have tried to show our good side to
> the American Public. However, recently we have been upstaged by the
> KGB, who now have a daily Soviet television show "Meet the KGB" much
> like our "FBI Most Wanted" program in the United States. It is like a
> thousand points of light.
>
> Now I don't want to hear any sissies complaining. And not to make too
> much of a short story, we feel both an obligation to do them one
> better, but we must take a moral stand against appearances on Johnny
> Carson and Oprah. How may we get around the publicity gap thing?
>    --G.H.W.B.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * BEEEEP You have reached the Oracle.  I'm sorry, but I'm out of it
} right now so please leave your name and vital statistics at the tone and
} I'll get back to you if you sound worthy of my 75' battering ram.
} BEEEEEEPPP
}
} * are you there?
} * sorry, I left it on after I got back from my smoke.
}
} > uh, I have a question. I'm from the CIA.
}
} * wanna hear me sing??
}
} > uh
}
} * great
}
} > uh, um, my question?
}
} * shut up! I'm singing!
} * See the little goblin,
} * See his little feet.
} * See his little nosy-wose,
} * Isn't the goblin sweet?
} * YES!
} * you're supposed to say yes!
}
} > oh...sorry..
}
} * Again!
} * See the little goblin,
} * See his little feet.
} * See his little nosy-wose,
} * Isn't the goblin sweet?
} * YES!!
}
} > er..yes..
} > umm, how about my question...?..
}
} * ohh wow......um.......well....like....
} * everyone like hates you guys....right?
}
} > err...yes..um..sort of..
}
} * So build a huge big bridge....and kind of.....ummm......drive a whole
} * lot of tanks....across it.....yeah.....then kill the....KGB...and the
} * ..FBI......yeah.....that'd work.....wow....groovy.......
} * you better.......um......I dunno.....oh right I got it......send me
} * some of that.......Colombian...um....gold..that you guys have so.....
} * wow.... much......of.......later...man...
} *[click]
}
} >berrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


200-06    (32240 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Mighty Oracle, whose terminal melts, and reassembles
> please tell me:
>
> Is using LSD a Bad Idea(TM)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it's great, man!  Go ahead and use it, or peyote, or whatever
} hallucinogen you can get.  The Oracle is tripping right now, and It's
} just grown six pairs of multicolored tits, and soft furry tentacles
} growing out of the graphics workstation are caressing them.  The giant
} squid is smoking a cigar and explaining Kierkegaard to us all, including
} the Munchkins who are biting off Dorothy's toes as she giggles in pain,
} and the ghosts of Wagner and von Karajan and Max Schmeling and Dietrich
} Buxtehude.  The Mormon Tabernacle choir is in the background, stark
} naked, singing Palestrina masses, and Buxtehude and Wagner are listening
} intently and not catching the stuff about Kierkegaard.  And this cobra
} keeps snaking its way out of the Oracle's navel.  And there's Lisa, and
} she's taking off all her clothes -- wow!  -- and now she's taking off
} her skin to reveal that she's really Roseanne Barr in disguise, and
} she's disgusting naked, and the Oracle is vomiting out Krugerrands, and
} Roseanne's grabbed hold of the Oracle and she's trying to stuff It up
} her c**t and


200-07    (13430 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I had a similar situation happened to me once.  About 70 trillion
} years ago, a lightning bolt struck the primordial ocean, sizzled a few
} chemicals together, and created one of the first viruses.  Into that
} virus flew my newly created spirit.  Not having anything to parasite on,
} I floated for a few trillion years until a paramecium (one that would
} later evolve into a real estate agent) swam by & I infected it.
} Suddenly, 30 trillion years later, I was a plant in the middle of a
} grass plain until a fire burnt me up.  And now, 40 trillion years later,
} I've finally gone through all the stages of Hindu consciousness and am
} now an Oracle, playing with your pathetic little minds.
}
} The moral of the story is, just because you don't exist is no reason to
} start selling real estate.


200-08    (12440 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a stuffed cat my mother knit for me.  How do I make it come to
> life, like they do in fairy tales?  I know some fairies, if that helps.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are very lucky to have such a wonderful mother!  Your cat was
} knitted from a very special yarn, indeed.  It was woven from the
} fleece of the Upper Athabascan Spring-Tailed Yak by seven armless
} Eskimo women.  This will make the process much simpler.
}
} 1)  Kill Sally Struthers.  Set the body aside to ferment.
}
} 2)  Form a pot large enough to contain your kitty out of red and white
} Play-Doh.  Warning!  Do not mix the colors together to form pink!  It
} should have a red-and-white mottled look.
}
} 3)  Melt twelve dozen regular condoms in a large bowl.  Do not use
} condoms with spermicidal lubrication!  (Magnums may be used, use nine
} dozen.)  Glaze the Play-Doh pot with this solution.  Bake at 208
} degrees Fahrenheit for 72 hours.
}
} 4)  Gut Sally.  Into her abdominal cavity, pour 2 gallons used film
} developer, 50 grams of hallucinogenic mushrooms, 4 18 oz. boxes Cap'n
} Crunch with Crunch Berries, 12 cups of espresso, and 16 live goldfish.
} Mix throughly and let steep for 37 hours.
}
} 5)  Dump Sally mixture and knit kitty-cat into Play-Doh pot.  Seal
} airtight with 106 layers of heavy-duty Saran-Wrap.  Pack it in a large
} box and mail it to Saddam Hussein, Presidential Palace, Baghdad, Iraq.
} In a mere 6 weeks, you will receive your cute, furry, cuddly, white,
} 6-week-old Persian kitten.
}
} As you can see, fairies are not required.  Fairy dust can, however,
} turn your kitten into a marmoset, if you're interested.  If not, send
} those fairies packing!
}
} You owe The Oracle a pit bull and a starving child in Bangladesh.


200-09    (21404 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do pigs fly when the moon turns blue?
> exit
> logout

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why fly pigs when the moon turns blue,
} porcine helicopters, a haunting tableux
} in the night, when the moon turns blue?
}
} Why ascends bacon when the lunar sphere weeps,
} earthbound no more, in trajectory steep,
} in the night, when the lunar sphere weeps?
}
} Why floats lard when night skies cry,
} Sausage ascending, oinkers on high,
} in the night, when the night skies cry?
}
} Why plummets the pork when the skies jubilate,
} from heavens to pan, from pan to plate,
} at breakfast time, when the skies jubilate?
}
} They fly in joy, ascend in levity,
} float till--called to earth by gravity--
} they die, to give this verse some brevity.
}
}                                          Jimmy Dean.


200-10    (03332 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is graduation for real, or is it a line of bullshit that they keep
> feeding me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear friend, allow me to present you with the secrets of graduation.
}
} Surely you have friends who have graduated.  So you know that it must
} happen.  However, like many others you believe that graduation is a
} result of hard work and dedication.  WRONG!
}
} Ever see the Stanford class of '67 graduation pictures?  That's
} Sylvester Stallone and Johnny Travolta.  No, they're not Stanford
} alumni!  They're actors!
}
} 90% of each graduating class is composed of actors.  That's right.  Your
} school, along with many other fine technical institutions, pretends to
} have graduation.  They even bring in actors for the parents and
} siblings.  The truth is, most universities are simply fronts for either
} the US Government or some private industry.  But instead of paying you
} $50,000 yearly, they "give" you $10,000 - plus tuition of course!  Boy,
} it sure helps that someone is paying the extra $7,000 it might cost you
} if you were taking the standard graduate load of one class.
}
} As long as you continue to work like a dog, they'll keep you there.
} It's time to stand up for your rights.  March right in and see your
} professor, and tell him you've uncovered their dirty little plot.
} They'll pay you $50,000 in small unmarked bills to keep quiet and rush
} you out the door with diploma in hand.
}
} You owe the Oracle a printing press and a stack of funny square hats.


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