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30 Aug 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 8:24:07 GMT

Internet Oracularities #201

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201, 201-01, 201-02, 201-03, 201-04, 201-05, 201-06, 201-07, 201-08, 201-09, 201-10


Usenet Oracularities #201    (11 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 3 Oct 90 16:10:57 -0500

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like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not
funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

201   11 votes 23411 53201 15230 11531 10055 11423 13520 22403 45110 42311
201   2.8 mean  2.6   2.0   2.6   3.2   4.2   3.5   2.7   3.0   1.9   2.4


201-01    (23411 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, I've been blessed with a vision.  Please, oh great
> one, assist me in deriving its meaning.  It went something like this:
>
> -----Start of VISION----------------------------------------------------
>
> [The scene: dense tropical jungle, rich in green flourish and the
>  distant echoing cries of the wild.  Enter curly, wading through the
>  foliage carrying an exotic looking wand.]
>
> CURLY:        Woo woo woo woo woo.  Hey moe, hey larry!  I'm so
>       aggravated! Hmmmmmmmmmmm!
>
> [Enter moe]
>
> MOE:  Hey knucklehead, I'm over here!
>
> CURLY:        Hey moe!  Woo woo woo woo woo!
>
> [As curly stumbles into moe, the exotic looking wand hits moe in the
>  head.  Moe turns into a salamander.]
>
> CURLY:        Woo woo woo woo woo!  Hey moe, where'd you go?
>       Look! A fish! Chow time! Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!
>
> [With that, curly stuffs a napkin down his shirt and prepares to feast
>  on the salamander.  As curly tries to stab it with his fork, moe is
>  able to elude him by flopping around]
>
> CURLY:        Hmmmmmmmmmm!
>
> [curly cries out and slaps himself with the palm of his hand as he keeps
>  trying to stab the salamander]
>
> [The lips of the salamander flap]
>
> MOE: Stop that you knucklehead!
>
> CURLY:        Hey moe!  It's you!
>
> [The scene freezes and fades to black]
>
> -----End of VISION------------------------------------------------------

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Disturbing.  The  exotic   looking wand   you  mention is  obviously
} indicative of  a deep urge to travel   to South  America  and become a
} refrigerator salesman.  The first character's obvious frustration, and
} his violent inclinations toward his companion, seem to  imply that you
} are suppressing  your inner feelings to the  extent that others suffer
} from your internal tension.  Don't be surprised if some member of your
} family expresses the  desire to mangle  various parts of your  anatomy
} with a kitchen appliance sometime in the near future.
}
}   On top of  that, both  characters seem to have the  curious habit of
} announcing their own  names,   loudly, before uttering  the  slightest
} sound, which can only mean that your  multiple personality disorder is
} becoming more  pronounced, and you wish to   inflict your delusions on
} the   Oracle and the Usenet community.  However, the concluding
} exclamation, "It's  you!", suggests  that there is  yet  hope for your
} sanity.
}
}   The curious and demonic chant, "Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!", suggests that
} you being influenced by  fluctuations in the earth's   magnetic field.
} Avoid eating paper clips for the time being  -  they may aggravate the
} problem.


201-02    (53201 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know of the following net.figures - who are the rest?
>
> Lisa          Net.sex.goddess, our queen
> Barbara       Net.suppleness.goddess
> Regnery       Net.lust.sick.cave.newt
>               Net.sex.god
>               Net.sex.dreamer.god
>               Net.horny.geek
>               Oracle's 3rd cousin on his brother's side
> Mary Ellen    Net.sex.divine.goddess
>               Net.wallflower.goddess
> Mary Agnes    Net.virginity.goddess
>               Sister of Mary Ellen
> Bucky         Net.annoying.figure,
>               Net.gnawing.down.trees.goddess
>               Net.rodeoclown.god
> Hemen         Net.hypersemen.god
> Megan         Net.plaid.lady
> Miles         Net.friction.god
> Harry         Net.bad.pun.god
> Biff          Net.strange.sex.god
> Brian         Net.frog.swallower
> Eric          Net.nasty.person
> Hank          Net.stupid.twit
> Barlighu      Net.strange.name.person
> Bruce         Net.small.hockey.player
> Judy          Net.weight.goddess
> Biff          Net.inane.god
> Morley        Net.death.god
> Ronald        Net.senility.god
> Danny-O       Net.stupid.god
> Zonos         Net.star.trek.god
> Eleanor       Net.math.goddess
> Marie         Net.francais.goddess
> Paul          Net.catholic.god (doesn't like to be called it though)
> Vanessa       Net.smile.goddess
> Sam           Net.embarrasment.god
> Boogers       Net.plastics.god
> Diane         Net.levitation.goddess
> Ginger        Net.space.case.goddess
> Jill          Net.inconstancy.goddess
> John          Net.hat.god
> Erika         Net.peppermill.goddess
> Elmer         Net.harelip.god
> Bill          Net.wood.burning.stove.god
> Fiber         Net.system.call.god
> Frodo         Net.ring.god
> Biffy         Net.belly.button.lint.god
> Jocko         Net.resume.god
> Wouter        Net.super.personality.person
> Craig         Net.always.working.god
> James         Net.cricket.maniac
> Angus         Net.magic.mushroom.user
> Debbie        Net.rowing.cox.goddess
> Ben           Net.harmonica.player
> Jamie         Net.stupid.long.hair.god
> Nigel         Net.don't.know.anything.about.geology.god
> Ian           Net.twat.from.castle.person
> Caroline      Net.impossible.to.get.goddess
> Lena          Net.lingerie.goddess.
> Rhiannon Q.   Net.reasonably-cute.mortal
>               Net.backbend.goddess
> Dick          Net.penis.god
> The Oracle    Net.omniscient.terrific.superdeity

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have forgotten such personalities as:
}
} Roberta       Net.sex.chandelier
} Howard        Net.door.to.door.salesman
} Butch         Net.pro.wrestler
} Bart          Net.cartoons.stupidity
} Dave          Net.animal.trainer
} Virgil        Net.calculus.genius.nerd
} Edward        Net.perfection.total
} Martha        Net.french.bikini.goddess
} Vanna         Net.letter.turner.slut
} Hugo          Net.bouncer.god
} Clyde         Net.stupid.name.god
} Kimberly      Net.prude.goddess
}
} and last but not least,
}
} Laura         Net.sex.appliance.kitchen
}
} but when she gets out the eggbeaters, the rest of us just turn our
} heads in embarassment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a brand new set of eggbeaters, for me alone to use.


201-03    (15230 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
> could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This has got to be the one hundredth time I have answered this time-
} worn, moth eaten, idiotic question....
} Where's the substance?
} Where's the originality?
} Where's the obligatory flattery?
} WHERE'S JIMMY HOFFA, AND HOW IS HE DOING THESE DAYS???
}
} (pause)
}
} Oh , alright.... If you insist, the answer to the woodchuck's quandery
} is solved through this easy to use mathematical formula
} Where   Ws  is the size of the woodchuck
}         Wm  is the mass of the woodchuck
}         Wd  is the density of the wood
}         X1  is the official symbol for the secret ingredient in CocaCola
}         Wts is the size of the Woodchucks teeth
}         Wv  is the metabolic rate of the woodchuck
}         Woe is me
}         Wc  is the amount of wood chucked
}         Qi  is the intelligence Quotient of the Questioner
}
} wc = Wd     ---  _______________               ---
}      ___  * |   /  Wv-Wm          * .51 - Woe+Wc |
}      Wts    | \/   -----------                   |
}             |      Wts[*1(|Woe|)]                |
}             ---                                ---
}         _____________________________________________
}                                _______
}                          X1  \/ Qi
}
} Now... solve the equation, and you will have your answer. Obviously,
} since the answer will vary depending on the specifications of the
} woodchuck in question, you will have varying answers...
} Of course you COULD make it easier by using AVERAGE values....
} ie AVERAGE weight of the AVERAGE woodchuck.
} But that would take the fun out of it...  I think that you should
} dedicate your life's work to finding the answer for EVERY woodchuck,
} past present and future.
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "I'm really not sure who I am" By
} Heisenberg, and the live recording of "A Farewell to Arms", by the
} Amputees (TM).  Stay tuned NEXT week, Oracle fans when we disect the age
} old question of "How much monks could a chipmunk chip if a chip munk
} could chip munks?" And "Why doesn't Robin Leech do a show called
} _Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown_?"
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Hint for solving equation:
} Since Qi is always going to be less than zero, you will have to use
} imaginary numbers....  Of course, if you're going to do that you might
} as well use IMAGINARY woodchucks....


201-04    (11531 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wiseist of the wise........
> oh smartest of the smart......
> oh cuteest of the cute........
>
> will i get lucky at the party i am going to this weekend ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will get very lucky.  When the '58 chevy that you are driving
} decides to explode, it will only blow off your leg rather than killing
} you.  The gentleman named Luigi parked in the car next to you will blame
} you for the accident, but due to a particularly mellow mood he will
} merely make you kiss his boots and pay for a new Mercedes with
} unscratched paint rather than blowing off your head himself (or even
} your other leg).  Then you will be taken to the hospital in an
} ambulance.
}
} You will never arrive.  A gigantic condor will pick up the ambulance,
} and pluck everyone else out through the windows with its huge beak.  You
} will escape due to being tied to the stretcher.  Bored, the condor will
} drop the ambulance, and it will fall into the Sea of Shit.  Luckily, the
} fall will break your nose, and you will be unable to smell it.  You will
} be rescued by a passing sailor in a dunghy, and taken to the Wonderful
} Land of Orz, where you will have many wonderful adventures.


201-05    (10055 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh wise and superglue-sniffing Oracle, tell me:
>
>       Why does a fierce green snake always bar the way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why does a fierce green snake always bar the way?
}
} You've obviously been playing too many of those adventure games from
} Infocom!
}
} The one to which you are referring, I believe, deals with computer
} programming.  Called "Wizard Simulator", it is about a huge
} macrocomputer that starts to simulate the real world.  Unfortunately,
} the simulated world includes itself and thousands of people, including
} you, who you must release somehow into the real world.
}
} Let me boot this program on my PC and see if I can help you...
}
} <rrrrrt fnk fnk fnk fnk>
}
} OUTSIDE YOUR CUBICLE You stand in a field of cubicles.  As far as you
} can see, there neat rows of offices with no tops and no privacy.  Your
} office is to the East.  The restroom is to the West.  A water cooler
} stands here, complete with Dixie cups.
}
} > GO WEST.
}
} INSIDE YOUR CUBICLE
} This cramped office holds a chair, personal workstation, and several
} manuals.  Outside your cubicle, your boss walks by.  The workstation is
} off.
}
} > TURN WORKSTATION ON.
}
} I do not know how to turn a workstation.
}
} > TURN ON WORKSTATION.
}
} Your sexual advances are ignored by the workstation.
}
} > PRESS START BUTTON ON WORKSTATION.
}
} I do not know the word 'button'. Your boss walks by your cubicle.
}
} > ON.
}
} What would you like to on?
}
} > WORKSTATION
}
} You are now on top of your workstation, crouching just under the low
} ceiling. Up here, where you have never noticed before, is a small vent
} leading upwards.
}
} > GO UP.
}
} A fierce green snake bars your way!
}
} > KILL SNAKE WITH MANUAL.
}
} You take the manual. You swat the snake with the manual, but it does
} not seem to do any good. Your boss walks by your cubicle. "Hey you
} idiot, what the hell are you doing?" Your boss takes out a cattle prod
} and leans over to zap you!!
}
} * * * YOU HAVE DIED * * *
} Score 0 out of a possible 355.
}
} Hmm.  The Oracle is kind of stuck here, too.  I suggest moving the water
} cooler into your office and standing on it holding the workstation.
} Your boss won't dare zap you when you are carrying such an expensive
} piece of equipment.  Instead, he will miss you and hit the snake.  Good
} luck!
}
} The Oracle suggests you try this in real life before risking your
} character in the game.


201-06    (11423 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OhOraclesirmostwiseandallknowingtellme
> IsthereaneedforpunctuationandcapitalsIdon'tthinksomyselfbutyounevercan
> tellIsuppose

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Dear Sir:
}
} Certainly, I suppose, one, if so inclined, could, conceivably, do
} without; however, my lad, I, certainly, would oppose, not support, this
} view.


201-07    (13520 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I dreamed last night that I was ice-skating over the frozen oil slick in
> Prince William Sound with George Bush and Sadaam Hussein.  Suddenly,
> Mikhail Gorbachev showed up on a bicycle and said "Repent, Jesus is
> teaching the world about renewable energy!" And George laughed and
> pointed out the trick seal on the iceberg balancing the budget on its
> nose.
>
> What does this mean, and does it have anything to do with the surtax on
> home heating oil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vell, ze ice-skatink represents your vorries about impotence.  Ze oil
} slick iz a common dream image among repressed teenagers signifying their
} fear of premature ejaculation, and frigidity.  Prince William sound is
} obviously an image of the female sexual organ and the desire to return -
} zat iz, to come there as often as possible!  George Bush iz Death - as
} we all know - and Sadaam Hussein is an image of your mother.  Mikhail
} Gorbachev represents your subconscious sexual feelings towards your
} family members especially your father and the bicycle he rides is a
} symbol of mankind's vulnerability as shown by the reference to religion
} which always means sexual problems of some kind.  At this point in your
} dream, Death laughs and points at your Penis (as represented by the
} seal) as you attempt to balance the budget on it - budget is from the
} french word for 'bag' which means testes which means that the 'budget'
} represents your castration anxiety.  None of this has anything to do
} with the surtax on home heating oil, but it doez proof zat you are vone
} sick puppie.
}
} Sigmund "ze oracle" Freud
}
} ps you owe me a new leather couch


201-08    (22403 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have found you out, you know!  You aren't a computer, you're mein
> Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler, greatest genius of all time and inspired leader of
> the Aryan people!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Das ist eine ausgezeichnete Idee! Also, ich weiss nicht.
}
} Like many others, you have put two und two together. Hitler
} disappeared mysteriously after World War II (some idiots say he killed
} himself). Und der Usenet Oracle suddenly appeared some 40 years later.
} To bridge the gap, some say the Oracle was really Ethel Merman
} in-between. I've heard it all before.
} ==================
} HEADLINES August 7th, 1967
}
} Paul Sont Clair et zee famous Jacques du Blacques uncover something
} among secret papers hidden in an underground tomb. She is Hitler's
} diary! The American upstart Jack Black has traced the handwriting and
} text as authentic. Here is an excerpt.
}
} June 11, 1965:  Dear Diary - Gee, what a night on stage.  I sang my
} heart out and finished up with the Star Spangled Banner.  Always gets
} 'em.  Ethel, baby, you still got it.  And to think, no one knows that
} secretly I was Hitler and will become in more than twenty years the
} Usenet Oracle!
}
} Jacques du Blacques was quoted as saying "Zees ees eet! Sacre bleu!"
}
} =================
} The vital clue you're missing, though, is that the Oracle (or Orrie)
} is head of the Orrien people, not Aryan. Head of the Oracular beings.
} Top banana. Head honcho. Master of ceremonies. You get the idea. Sorry!
}
} You owe the Oracle some post-Cold War humor.


201-09    (45110 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY MAY I ASK DO YOU LIKE THE COLOR RED?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's so damn colorful!  It matches my belly, and the color of the skin
} of my face and teeth and gums when I think of you, dear, questionner.  I
} swoon, I dip, I decompress.  I live fast and hard and yet never die.  My
} logical heart races when I see it at stoplights.  I panic and must curb
} my desire just as I curb my dog.  The evidence of my excitement is in
} the streets, everywhere!  I have no ax to grind with the company pick,
} nick!  It's the prescription of love in the contacts in lovers' eyes
} everywhere.  Now that you've reminded me, I will quiver quietly all day.
}
} You owe the Oracle several Angstroms.  I already have the angst.


201-10    (42311 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       A friend of mine tells me that if brains were TNT, Dan Quayle
>       wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.  I think this is extremely
>       unfair to our Vice President because, let's face it, C4 is VERY
>       powerful and it wouldn't take much to blow a nose.  Surely the
>       VP has enough brain to do that, hasn't he? (Notice I haven't
>       asked if he has sense enough to come out of the rain.)
>
>       I await the adjudication of the Oracle, all wise, knowing,
>       febrile, cyanotic, diaphoretic, and incontinent.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since the Oracle is out of town at the moment, we have
} brought in a special project from the Artificial Stupidity
} Lab to answer your question:
}
} SINCE THU ST00PID ORACLE LEFT TOWN, I WILL REPLY 4 HIM.  COWABUNGA!!!
} THIS IZ A HARD QUESSHUN, LET ME ASK MY HUGEMONGUS BROTHUR.
} DANNY, IF BRAINS WUR C4, WOULD U HAV ENOUGH TO
} BLOW YU"R NOSE?  HE SAYS NO, HE WOULDN"T.  HE ALSO
} SAYS THAT C4 IZ A TYPE UV PLAYDOH.  KOWABUNGA!    THERE YOU
} HAV IT.
}
} BIFF


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