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Internet Oracularities #202

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202, 202-01, 202-02, 202-03, 202-04, 202-05, 202-06, 202-07, 202-08, 202-09, 202-10


Usenet Oracularities #202    (8 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 5 Oct 90 09:34:38 -0500

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202    8 votes 20132 00422 14120 60011 02411 00035 01412 04022 12005 05300
202   3.2 mean  3.4   3.8   2.5   1.9   3.1   4.6   3.5   3.2   3.8   2.4


202-01    (20132 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You should tell your thirteen year old that Santa Claus is mommy and
> daddy because eventually she is going to find out from the wrong person.
> If that happens she may be upset with you both.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mighty Oracle, with great effort of mind I still find within myself
} some dying glimmer of faith in your power and--I force myself to
} believe--your goodness, and your ability to save my daughter, my
} family--indeed, all humanity, and the very universe which humanity has
} for eons complacently regarded as its own, never knowing, never
} suspecting that in another dimension --a dimension which is, I now
} perceive, perilously close to our own-- there has awaited since the
} dawn of time that Being --yet I cannot utter its name without the last
} vestiges of my sanity being crushed beneath the weight of the hideous
} truth which I alone must bear--though soon, I dread to think of it--
} soon all will behold the fullness of its horror--the horror of -- the
} Jolly One -- the One in Red --
}
} Did you ever ever receieve my last question, Oracle?  How sweet, how
} innocent the time I wrote it now seems, although even then the horrors
} I had glimpsed oppressed me.  It was Christmas then, and my daughter,
} my darling Virginia-- her talk of the strange of frozen wastes she
} beheld in dreams, of great cities of ice, a universe of cold and
} crystal, and then her strange demand for blue crayons -- the crayons
} she used to endlessly compose cryptic, strangely garbled LISTS -- and
} then the chanting began -- that nauseous dirge -- oh Oracle, how could
} my daughter, my precious, innocent Virginia, utter unceasingly, hour
} on hour, such a fiendish, godless monody ...  "SAN-ta, SAN-ta, SAN-ta,
} SAN-ta..."  -- and in the morning, what I found--running from the
} fireplace to the chistmas tree, the ghastly, putrid trail of
} phosphorescent slime.
}
} I told you of these things then, Oracle, but no answer came.  Yet
} weeks later I discovered my question, and an answer -- a queer,
} weirdly nonsensical answer -- posted to alt.conspiracy -- yet -- I
} shudder to recall this, Oracle -- the question and answer were
} HIDEOUSLY TRANSPOSED !!!!!  What unthinkable disruption of the cosmos,
} what strange mutation of the most fundamental laws of our universe,
} could cause such an aberration...?
}
} I pray that you receive this questoin, Oracle, for now the truth is
} clear to me.  I know now-- would that I did not! -- that my daughter,
} my Virginia, has been chosen as the medium by which the ...  the Jolly
} One shall pass through that gate which until now remained so
} mercifully sealed -- and that with the arrival of this ...  this being
} ... the reign of humanity shall end ...
}
} I turn to you now, Oracle, asking now not for advice, but for the
} salvation of humanity.  Yet I fear your answer ... I fear the only way
} I can avert this horror is through the most dreadful sacrifice -- that
} only by murdering, in cold blood, my flesh and blood, my offspring, my
} darling, precious Virginia --
}
} Oracle!!!
}
} I just heard something, a bump on the roof --
}
}
} I hear a rythmic -- beating -- HOOF ON HOOF --
}
} I know who comes Oracle!  The ones I saw in dreams-- dreams until now
} blissfully forgeotten -- dreams of those antlered fiends -- those
} heinous, grinning UNGULATES -- send them backe, Oracle !!!!  Return
} them to the stygian depths from whence they came  -- back Prancer!
} back Cupid !!
}
} The fireplace!  From the fireplace -- a hideous SUCKING --


202-02    (00422 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What God or Goddess is Friday named after?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you ask Joe Sixpack, he'll probably tell you that Friday is named
} after the Norse goddess Freja.  However, Mr. Sixpack probably doesn't
} have access to the Ultra-Confidential Top-Secret Oracular Book of the
} Origins of the Days of the Week, which reads:
}
} Saturday -- called by that name because "Satur" sounds a little like
} "satire," which is appropriate because many writers who don't get
} invited to wild parties spend their Saturdays satirizing the
} beer-guzzlers who do.
}
} Sunday -- named after the ice cream sundae, which people eat on Sunday
} when the bars are closed.
}
} Monday -- comes from the same root as "money," which is something people
} don't have much of on Monday because they spent it all on alcohol over
} the weekend.
}
} Tuesday -- actually, this was originally called "Boozeday," but since
} people usually drink heavily on Saturday and only have around two
} drinks, the name was changed to reflect that.
}
} Wednesday -- a name whose spelling makes a lot more sense after a couple
} of drinks.
}
} Thursday -- Sounds like "thirsty," which is what many people are after
} not having a drink for 24 hours.
}
} Friday -- named after the Norse goddess Freja.
}
} Oops!  Looks like I was not actually reading from the Ultra-Confidential
} Top-Secret Oracular Book of the Origins of the Days of the Week, but
} rather from Joe Sixpack's Guide to Mixed Drinks and Origins of the Days
} of the Week.  As a matter of fact, I appear to have lost the
} Ultra-Confidential Top-Secret Oracular Book of the Origins of the Days
} of the Week.  Darn.  It was a library book, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle $25 to pay for the book he lost.


202-03    (14120 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Most Wise and omniposexy Oracle, what say you to this proposition?
>
> I *HATE* clothes!  I *HATE* laundry!
> Why can't we all go naked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I *HATE* clothes!  I *HATE* laundry!
} Laundry puts me in a quandry!
} Washing takes up so much time,
} I would rather live in slime!
}
} Dirt's my pal!  Dirt's my friend!
} I'll love dirt until the end!
} Some would say we should go naked,
} I say "Yes, I love dirt cak-ed
}
} On my body!  In my hair!
} Smear that dirt all everywhere!
} That is what I'd like to see,
} Smear that dirt all over me!"
}
}
} You owe the Oracle one bar of Ivory soap.


202-04    (60011 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> MOE: CURLY WHO DID YOU THINK IT WAS
>
> CURLY: MOE HOW DID YOU GET LIKE
> THAT
>
> MOE: YOU HIT ME IN THE HAND WITH THE WAND
>
>      WILL YOU PLEASE TURN ME BACK TO
>      MYSELF PLEASE!
>
> [AS CURLY WENT TO TURN MOE BACK INTO HIMSELF AGAIN . . .]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.
}
} MOE: LOOK! A LIGHT AT THE HORIZON!
}
} CURLY: THAT'S MY CIGARETTE LIGHTER, NIPWIT!
}
} MOE: LOOK! A LIGHT AT THE HORIZON!
}
} AND INDEED THERE WAS. A LITTLE MAN, DRESSED IN A GREY COURDUROY,
} APPROACHED THEM.
}
} LITTLE MAN: GRATINGS!
}
} MOE & CURLY (IN AMAZEMENT): WHADDAYA MEAN 'GRATINGS'?!
}
} LITTLE MAN: SORRY, I WAS FORGETTING MYSELF.
}
} CURLY: YEAH, I DO THAT ALL THE TIME. LIKE, SOMETIMES I WAKE UP AND
}        WONDER, 'WHAT'S THAT INSIDE MY TROUSERS', AND TEN MINUTES LATER I
}        REALIZE IT'S ME...
}
} MOE: CURLY?
}
} CURLY: YES?
}
} MOE: SHUT UP! (TO THE LITTLE MAN) LITTLE MAN, WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY?
}
} LITTLE MAN: MY NAME IS VOLMANN. I WAS LYING UNDER A PINE TREE.
}
} MOE AND CURLY DREW THEMSELVES ASIDE AND DISCUSSED IN HUSHED VOICES.
}
} CURLY: HE MIGHT WELL BE TELLING THE TRUTH, YOU KNOW.
}
} MOE: YEAH, I MEAN, ONLY THE REAL VOLMANN LIES AROUND UNDER PINE TREES...
}      (IN A LOUDER VOICE, ADDRESSING THE LITTLE MAN) SHOW US THE PINE
}       TREE!!!


202-05    (02411 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to become a grad student at MIT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a simple two-step process:
}
}    1. Don't get peanut butter on the application.
}
}    2. Be a handicapped yet highly motivated Eskimo super-genius
}       Yale graduate who just happens to be a close personal
}       friend of Noam Chomsky & whose father recently donated
}       $2.6 million to MIT for student housing & slide rules.
}
} If you've taken care of (1) and (2) already, all that's left is to
} give the dean of admissions a blow job.  You should still apply to
} other places too, though, just to be on the safe side.
}
} Good luck!


202-06    (00035 dist, 4.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle! You gave me a shitty answer! Take This!
>                                 _
>                                / \
>                               |\_/|
>                               |---|
>                               |   |
>                               |   |
>                             _ |=-=| _
>                         _  / \|   |/ \
>                        / \|   |   |   ||\
>                       |   |   |   |   | \>
>                       |   |   |   |   |   \
>                       | -   -   -   - |)   )
>                       |                   /
>                        \                 /
>                         \               /
>                          \             /
>                           \           /
>                            |         |
>                            |         |
>                            |         |

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for your prompt payment.
}                              _       _
}                          _  / \     / \
}                         / \|   |   |   ||\
}                        |   |   |   |   | \>
}                        |   |   |___|   |   \
}                        | -   -   -   - |)   )
}                        |                   /
}                         \                 /
}                          \               /
}                           \             /
}                            \           /
}                             |         |
}                             |         |
}                             |         |


202-07    (01412 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise & mighty person!
>
> My wife, in common with many other women of her age, is 47.  How long
> will I have to put up with this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is said that a man will probably make no major contributions to
} society if after the age of thirty he's still riding a bananna bike.
} The same could be said of men with 47 year old wives who consult the
} Oracle.  Oh well, probably you have more fun than the achievers
} anyway.
}
} Now, on to your question.
}
} Yes, your wife is 47, and on November 12 she will be 48, and so on.
} Such is life.  Yet she is, in many ways, a remarkably young woman--
} certainly much younger than you are, in every way.  What do you do
} with your life?  You work, you sleep, you shave, sometimes you sit
} back in your easy chair and listen to a CD, sometimes you read the
} paper.  You never jog anymore.  And really, what kind of life is that?
}
} But think of all the things your wife does!  Not just her part-time
} job at the real estate agency, but things around the house, too --
} things like tending that beautiful garden of hers, cooking that
} wonderful home-made pasta, salting the slugs, cheering up the UPS man,
} giving your Toyota the eye-catching Jackson Pollock style abstract
} expressionist paint job, setting sneakers on fire just to see what it
} smells like, constructing balsawood model aircraft that really fly,
} sending our boys in Saudi Arabia those copies of "Hustler" and "The
} Satanic Verses" along with several cartons of pork rinds, teaching
} Wagner the water rat to do back flips, doing backup vocals for Motley
} Crue, dancing Swan Lake before the crowned heads of Europe, publishing
} a highly respected paper which conclusively established that large
} numbers of sheepdogs in southeastern Turkey are being slowly poisoned
} by the toxic alloys used in their spiked metal collars, translating
} the complete works of Pushkin from Russian to Greek to Javanese to
} Finnish and finally to a mysterious hieroglyphic language only she
} knows, and flower arrangement.
}
} So you see, your wife is really quite a remarkable woman who is, in a
} sense, just getting started in life--indeed, as she grows older she
} will become even more active and eccentric, although after her first
} stroke at age 85 she will completely give up breakdancing.  Be glad
} she's yours.
}
} You owe the Oracle infinite devotion and a back rub.


202-08    (04022 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you recommend a good dentist for my ferret?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A DENTIST FOR YOUR FERRET?  You're CRAZY!  Squeeze 'im 'til 'e
} squawks, then yank 'is teeth out with pliers, like everyone else does!
}
} <*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*>
}                              WARNING!
}
} THIS IS PETA WITH AN ANIMAL CRUELTY ALERT!  TOUCH ONE TOOTH IN YOUR
} POOR LITTLE FURRY CREATURE'S MOUTH, AND WE'LL HANG YOU BY YOUR
} GENITALIA FROM THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE!
}
} AS FOR THIS SICK DEMENTED ORACLE, WE HAVE RAIDED HIS HOME AND
} RESCUED HUNDREDS OF UNDERNOURISHED AND MUTILATED GERBILS!  WE CAN
} ONLY GUESS WHAT SICK EXPERIMENTATION HAD BEEN PERFORMED!  (AND BELIEVE
} ME, WE HAVE A VIVID IMAGINATION!)
}
} REMEMBER, TREAT YOUR PETS WITH RESPECT AND THEY'LL BITE YOU BACK!
} NOW, WE'RE OFF TO SAVE THE UPPER ATHABASCAN THREE-TOED LUNGFISH FROM
} EXTERMINATION BY A GROUP OF PTL FOLLOWERS THAT WANT TO BURN THEM AS
} SACRIFICE TO GET JIM BAKKER OUT OF PRISON!  TOODLE-OO.
}
}                               END
} <*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*>
}
} Ignore that.
}
} <*sigh*>
}
} It's tough dealing with you lunatic mortals.  I've arranged a
} steam-rollering of South Dakota next week to eliminate a subspecies of
} poisonous blue ants-- That ought to keep PETA busy for a few months.
}
} The gerbils were being used for legitimate scientific sexual
} experiments.  Honest.
}
} You owe The Oracle 640,000 acres of Amazon Rain Forest.


202-09    (12005 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much woad...?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question.  Just let me tune up here ...
}
}       *pluck*
}                                       *strum*
}               *hmmmmm*
}
} Okay.
}
}
}       How much woad could a slowed toad load,
}         if a slowed toad could load woad?
}       How many shrimp could a limp whimp pimp,
}         if a limp whimp could pimp shrimp?
}       What great course could a Norse horse force,
}         if a Norse horse could force a course?
}       The answer my friend, is known only to the Woodchuck,
}       The answer is known only to the Woodchuck.
}
}       How many dimes could a lime mime slime
}         if a lime mime could slime dimes?
}       How much drool could a fool ghoul cool,
}         if a fool ghoul could cool drool?
}       What great mounds could a downed hound bound,
}         if a downed hound could bound mounds?
}       The answer my friend, is known only to the Woodchuck,
}       The answer is known only to the Woodchuck.
}
}
} Thank you, thank you.
}
}       Well if I were a Woodchuck,
}       I'd chuck it in the morning,
}       I'd chuck it in the evening ...


202-10    (05300 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do socks go when the dryer eats them?  Is it the same place you go
> when you're put on "hold"?  Can you get there by Amtrak?  Will we find
> Jimmy Hoffa there?  How about L. Ron Hubbard?  Rod Serling?  Elvis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, socks do not go to the same place as the persons you
} mentioned.  Disappearing socks are actually sacrificed to various
} entelechies, depending on who their owner is.  Children's socks are send
} to The Being Who Keeps Mom From Finding Out, while college students'
} socks usually go to the God Of Partial Credit.  Single Adults' socks
} usually go to The Creature Who Finds Perfect Partners, and married
} adults' are usually credited toward their kids' accounts.  Jimmy Hoffa,
} L.  Ron Hubbard, Elvis, and Rod Serling are playing bridge on the
} 8th-10th dimensions, in case you're curious.  You owe the Oracle a
} package of tube socks.


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