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Internet Oracularities #203

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203, 203-01, 203-02, 203-03, 203-04, 203-05, 203-06, 203-07, 203-08, 203-09, 203-10


Usenet Oracularities #203    (10 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 10 Oct 90 12:02:21 -0500

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203   10 votes 24301 02521 11431 12322 14131 02332 14320 01243 13501 01432
203   3.1 mean  2.4   3.2   3.2   3.2   2.9   3.5   2.6   3.9   2.7   3.6


203-01    (24301 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the greatest donut?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The greatest donut is that donut which both lives the examined life and
} has a creamy filling.
}
} You owe the Oracle a donut.


203-02    (02521 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise, powerful Oracle, whose B.O.  could knock over a camel, whose
> farts are more powerful than locomotive's breath, and whose trousers can
> leap tall buildings with a single bound all while unoccupied, tell me:
>
>         Why do witches float like ducks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, that old misunderstanding again.  Well, time to sort it out,
} once and for all :
}
} It is not true that `Witches float like ducks'.
}
} The _original_ phrase was `Witches like ducks'.  This has to do with the
} nature of witches :  they are not at all, as is the general
} misconception, evil creatures that cast spells on people just for the
} fun of it, but really very sensitive people (mostly women, naturally --
} actually, there was a male witch once, but he left the craft after he
} reportedly `felt he was frozen out by the other witches') who at least
} try to live in harmony with nature, and not like the rest of us use
} bulldozers to build houses.  Well, yes, they _do_ cast spells now and
} then, and sometimes even not-so-nice ones, but generally only on people
} they specifically dislike, and for good reasons, too.  Another myth
} about witches has to do with black cats.  Yes, you just _know_ that all
} witches keep a black cat, don't you?  Well, *bleep*, you're wrong.
} Witches keep ducks.  And why ducks ?  you ask, wondering about such
} strange behaviour.  Well, not strange, really - Have you ever seen the
} size of a duck egg ?  Sure beats the hell out of chicken eggs.  And they
} taste better, too.  So, the phrase `Witches like ducks' was coined,
} because it was (and is) true.  Unfortunately, at one point in time, a
} 17-year-old horny peasant boy with a bad sense of humor watched one of
} the sexier neighbourhood witches swim in a lake one day, had a thought
} (which, for him, was a rare occasion indeed) and rephrased the
} expression as `Witches float like ducks', which was, by the way,
} terrible wrong in most cases, considering that swimming was not seen as
} common knowledge at the time, and that this particular witch had some
} troule actually keeping her head above the water.  Moreover, history
} tells us that named boy later tragically died when falling into said
} lake after having been lifted there by a flock of angry ducks, which is
} no mean feat, considering the shape of their feet.
}
} You owe the oracle a deck of tarot cards, a black cat, and three duck
} eggs.


203-03    (11431 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> do I believe in god?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last, a simple question! There are many ways to determine if
} you believe in God. Note, this is not as difficult as the question
} as to whether God actually exists, which is another matter entirely.
}
} Here are three easy steps:
}
} 1. Steal your friend's 1986 Jaguar and bring it home for some shop work.
}    Clip the main strut which allows the emergency break to be set. Tie
}    a cord to the brake fluid line so that a sharp jerk on the cord will
}    rip out the line, effectively destroying your brakes.
}
}    Now, drive to the top of nearest, highest mountainside or cliff where
}    the road takes hairpin turns. Jam the accelerator to the floor and
}    zoom off downslope. Love that sound of the roaring and screeching!
}    Man against machine on the dirt cliffside roads! When the speedometer
}    needle hits the top, if you believe in God, yank the brake fluid
}    line!
}
} 2. Using black market connections, get in touch with someone in the
}    Irish Republican Army who can sell you Czechoslovakian-made semtex.
}    You will have to rob a bank to pay for this. Carry fifty pounds of
}    this high tech plastique in a backpack to the Empire State Building
}    in New York City. You will have to wait in line for a few hours;
}    bide your time.
}
}    If you have a gun and a small wad of explosive, you will be able to
}    blow open the cage keeping people from jumping off. You'll need a
}    small detonator of course - high impact or high temperature should do
}    it. Take out several hundred feet of very old elastic cord, tie it to
}    the elevator and to your ankles. Stand on the edge of the hole you
}    made and look down, down, down. Consider whether the plastique would
}    go off on impact were you to hit the ground. If you believe in God,
}    jump.
}
} 3. If you lost your nerve and couldn't follow the first two steps,
}    you are either a wimp or you do not believe in God. To get around
}    the wimp possibility, there is a third and simpler way.
}
}    Buy a huge concert-quality stereo system. No, buy fifty of them.
}    Buy a hundred search lights and hire men to move and assemble them.
}    Tape record Led Zeppelin, ZZ Top, and other "distinctive" artists.
}    Mix this in with simulated gunfire and explosions. Sit right on the
}    border of Saudi Arabia and Kuwait, strapped to a high chair on a
}    huge stage, set up to radiate intense 100 Megawatt radar pulses.
}    Turn the volume all the way up. Savor the stillness of the desert
}    night for a moment. If you believe in God, hit the play button and
}    party on!
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape of the 1812 Overture.


203-04    (12322 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From your weather report for June 5th 2010, it sounds like us 'pommies'
> will be having pretty typical weather for the time of year.. Oh well.
>
>    I have found a little (6-7" tall) Irishman with a little red beard
>  and a black cap, smoking a dear little pipe in the back of my
>  garden who has heard of you, and when I asked him, he offered to
>  make you a set of pixie boots. My question is, What foot size are
>  you ( English please as he's old fashioned and doesn't take other
>  measurements )
>
>   Please can you also tell me what size boots Lisa takes, as I am the
>  founder member of the Universities & Polytechnic boot appreciation
>  society.
>
>  English --> American translations.
>  __________________________________
>
> (back garden : lit translation : Back yard)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally!  I've been trying to locate a Leprechaun Footwear Ltd. sales
} rep for years -- they've been exceedingly hard to reach ever since
} they branched off into crop circles.  Tell the little fellow I really
} admire their work, and not to worry about returning the weed-whackers.
} Consider them a gift.
}
} They should still have our sizes on file, but just in case my shoe
} size is Incomprensibly Vast--although maybe he should just send
} Infinites since the Incomprehensibly Vasts pinch sometimes.  Lisa's
} size is Astonishingly Diminutive Especially Given the Immensity of Her
} Tits.
}
} Lisa would like another 5 pairs of Leprechaun Footwear Ltd. Item
} #347A-662 (from the 1989 catalogue), the "Pink Leather Waders Lined
} with Red Velvet Goose Down Quilting".  The other pairs were
} wonderful--and very well made, I might add, although Lisa & I tend to
} go through them pretty fast.
}
} I don't really need pixie boots, since I've been kind of inundated
} with them lately.  Also, although I consider them very stylish and
} comfy they have provoked the derision of a certain female friend of
} mine.  Therefore, instead please send me Leprechaun Footwear Ltd. Item
} #42857A-344N (from your 1974 catalogue), "Funky-Funky Starman
} Shock-o-Delic Platform Moon Boots with with forty-two layer stacked
} sole and ultra hi-top fully glitter-spangled leather uppers."  Tell
} them to use their discretion on customization--maybe something like
} the "Funk to Heaven in '77" boots that they did for Parliament a while
} back, and also a titanium-reinforced toe would be nice (I believe Yuri
} Andropov's pair had these).
}
}
} P.S. As a kind of "starter kit" for a Universities & Polytechnic Boot
} Appreciation Society Holy Shrine to the Footwear of Lisa, I am sending
} the very toe-shoes Lisa wore during her wondrous "Dance of the Seven
} Whales".


203-05    (14131 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      HI, MY NAME IS KHANH TRAN FROM A AND T UNIVERSITY.  I WOULD LIKE TO
> KNOW WHAT WAS THE OFFICIAL U.S CENSUS COUNT FOR 1990.  IF YOU DON'T HAVE
> EXACT COUNT NUMBER.PLEASE,JUST GIVE ME THE ESTIMATE NUMBER.THIS MESSAGE
> FROM YOU IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR ASSIGNMENT.  HOPE TO GET YOUR ANSWER VERY
> SOON.
>                                           THANK YOU.
>                                         KHANH TRAN.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vell, zis whole Zensus Burrheau business stems from a bazic
} misundershtanding of Physics.  Zey attempt to count ze number of persons
} in each house in ze U.S.  But of course, as quantum physicists ve know
} zat you cannot establish both ze position und ze velocity of a person at
} ze same time.  And if you cannot establish ze velocity of a person in a
} house, you cannot know whether he vill be in or out of ze house in the
} next moment.  You can use statistical methods, of course, to arrive at a
} figure for ze U.S.  as a whole.
}         But ze fact of ze matter is, as I have demonstrated in my book,
} _Probably Being There_, zere is in reality only one (1) American.  Ze
} U.S.  can be viewed as a system whose quantum state consists of ze
} probabilities of ze American being in each house at a given moment.  But
} since ze census vas mailed, it is spread over time, und zo ze American
} has a high probibility, for any house, of being in it at least vonce
} during ze census.
}
} Kaufen Sie eine lowercase Keyboart!


203-06    (02332 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do you catch the eye of a handsome young programmer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         With a butterfly net!!!!!!!!!
}
}         Or seriously....You are serious?  Well, there aren't that many
} of then around.  And as programmers are notoriously difficult to
} distract from their CRTs, I would suggest involving one in your
} nefarious plot.
}         The easiest way to catch his eye is to unplug his monitor.  Oh,
} so, sorry.  I tripped over the cord.  Eyelashes batting and face getting
} red.  Of course, if he was in the middle of something rather important,
} like a Moria game, he might be more pissed-off than pleased.  So do not
} try this unless you know the programmer in question rather well.
} Knowing his programming style is a help in that.  Or getting hold of his
} source code, i.e.  his mother.
}         For the less desparate, or perhaps less courageous, there is
} always the interactive features of the computer itself.  Sending him a
} strange message is one way to get his attention, especially if he's in
} the middle of inputting something in binary or hex.  And if he's in the
} middle of frying an AMHD, he'll probably take his Holy Avenger
} Zweihander to you instead.  Check what he's doing before you try it.
}         For the truly faint of heart, there is always his mailbox.
} Sending him a letter is one way to introduce yourself.  The problem is
} that mail messages can be ignored.  Or dumped without being read.  Or
} both.  And then there's the problem of not knowing his name and/or
} username.  The best way to get around this?
}         The direct approach.  Programmers, as much as they deny it, are
} human too.  Move one hand in front of his eyes to see if anyone is
} "home".  If not, come back later when he's awake and able to respond to
} outside stimuli.  If he is aware of his surroundings, pull up a chair
} and introduce yourself.  If he ignores you, sit in his lap.  If he still
} ignores you, stop wasting your time and go hunt up a man someplace else.
} This one isn't human.
}
}         SO THAT'S WHERE HENRY GOT TO!!!  WE LOST AN ANDROID PROGRAMMER A
} FEW MONTHS BACK.  SOME CRETIN TOOK HIM IN FOR A TUNEUP, AND NEVER
} BROUGHT HIM BACK!  FINALLY!!!!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle Henry and a subcription to True Romance.


203-07    (14320 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there any truth to the rumor that all Nintendo's are programmed to
> self-destruct a tiny C4 explosive this Christmas, thus enabling Nintendo
> to release a new product for all kids to go out and blow a hundred bucks
> on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes!  It is true that Nintendo is plotting another brilliant marketing
} strategy.  Here is how it works.
}
} 1)  On approximately Oct. 15, most cartridges have been preprogrammed
}     to begin randomly ignoring signals from the little controllers, so
}     customers will think they are defective.
}
} 2)  About a week later, a TV, radio, newspaper, and breakfast cereal
}     blitz promoting their new $320 joypads will begin.  Kids are
}     warned that not having one Xmas morning means certain nerd status
}     and social failure.
}
} 3)  The new controllers will have tiny electrodes on the surface
}     which are activated when the buttons are pressed.  These electrodes
}     will send impulses to the conflict centers of the cerebral cortex
}     rendering the player extremely susceptible to suggestion (ever see
}     Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan?)
}
} 4)  About January 15, the cartridges will begin displaying subliminal
}     messages in sync with the electrode impulses, such as "If you don't
}     buy a new cartridge now, you will die," and "Spend lots of money on
}     Nintendo products, or you will die" and "Send us a blank, signed
}     check if you don't want to die a virgin."
}
} You owe the Oracle a Super Mario Bros. III cartridge.


203-08    (01243 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS MY NAME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BIFF! HOW NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU. ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
}
} While you're here, could you please ask your friends playing THUMPER
} in my driveway for a favor? Not that I mind their being there!!
} Really, I enjoy the excitement and simple joy of this fun-loving
} basketball game where the basketballs are replaced by huge kegs of beer.
} Especially the drinking part. Everyobdy loves a good loud drinking
} game at 4 in the morning.
}
} And those cracks in the driveway and crush damage to my car don't
} really matter. Please don't get offended! I don't really mind having
} my tulip garden used as the free-throw zone. So what's my small, teeny
} little request? Well, a lot of the guys stumble over to the porch and
} start logging Oracle requests on the terminal there, and well -
} wouldn't it be best for everyone if they just kept their attention on
} the game? I mean, what's the point of disturbing poor little me (not
} that I mind)? Take last night's questions for example:
}
} > WE WANT MORE BEER
} ----------
} } Please, feel free to take my car! There's a liquor store down
} } the street. No problem. Remember, bring it back, ok? The car, I mean!
}
} > WHERE YOU HIDING IN DIS TV LITTLE MAN
} ----------
} } I am the Usenet Oracle, and the terminal you are typing on is
} } connected to the little box on the floor under the door. It is a
} } computer.
}
} > I NO SEE NO MAN IN THIS FUNNY BOX
} ----------
} } Hey, put that workstation down! Ow! Oh, hell, I seem to have gotten
} } my processes stuck in here! Nice doggie. Down, boy! What am I saying?
}
} > HEY BART WATCH THIS - PLAY THUMPER WITH FUNNY TV AND BOX!
} ----------
} } Grep! Awk! Look, this is very important. Pay attention, and do what I
} } say.  First reconnect the primary ethernet cable, and reconnect hard
} } drive #2, and punch in the lost assembly code for reconnect. I'll
} } dictate to you.  Then we'll reboot and sync our disks - do you program
} } in UNIX, I hope?
}
} > THUMP! THUMP! CRASH!! THUMP! THUMP! SCORE!!!! RAH RAH RAH!!! DRINK!!!!
} > THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! CRACK! (oraclebox not responding still trying)
} > (oraclebox not responding still trying) (core dump) (segmentation
} > fault)
} ---------
} } Good morning, Doctor Chandra. I'm ready for my first lesson. <urp>
} } EOF
}
} Fortunately my primary process was somewhere else! Recovering that
} part of my personality took hours and I still have a hangover...
}
} You owe the Oracle extra-strength Excedrin, version 4.1a_beta.


203-09    (13501 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that the meat products on sale at gas stations are never out
> of date, but you never see anyone buying, let alone eating them?  (eg:
> "The Sausage Roll" here in the UK).  Does a little man from the
> meat-rendering factory come round and slip off the packaging and replace
> it with one with another month on the Eat-By date?  Or does the moon
> have some effect on this, silently clocking the Eat-By code around like
> a taxi meter once every 28 days?.  Or is it all together something more
> sinister, like time standing still in enamelled chill cabinets which
> smell of diesel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All of your explanations are pretty inane, but none are as inane as
} the truth.  Unfortunately I am not permitted to reveal the truth about
} this particular phenomenon.  However, here is an excerpt from "The
} Timetables of History", compiled in the year 2875 by one Reebo of
} Zeldeban:
}
}   33)   Late 10th century.  A man called Bozo briefly rules France.
}
}   34)   1307.  A glowing disk crashes into the North Sea.
}
}   35)   1314.  The Knights Templars are apparently persecuted
}         out of existence.
}
}   36)   1888.  Easter Island annexed by Chile.
}
}   37)   Mid 1970's.   "Abba" becomes the most popular musical group
}         in recorded history.  Offshore drilling begins in the North
}         Sea.
}
}   38)   Late 1970's.  The shelf life of sausage rolls in British gas
}         stations becomes apparently limitless.
}
}   39)   Early 1980's.  Popularity of "Abba" declines.
}
}   40)   1990.  The Usenet Oracle is asked about (38).  Answer unkown.
}
}   41)   1997.  President Quayle announces allegiance to Knights
}         Templars.


203-10    (01432 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't think so.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I don't think so.
}
}       I don't think, so I am not.
}
}       I think so, therefore I am not.
}
}       Am so.
}
}       Am not.
}
}       So.
}
}       Not.
}
}       I think not, therefore I am so.
}
}       So I don't think.
}
}       I don't think so ...
}
} [Excerpted from Rene Descartes, _The_Notebooks_, 1632.]


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