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Internet Oracularities #204

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204, 204-01, 204-02, 204-03, 204-04, 204-05, 204-06, 204-07, 204-08, 204-09, 204-10


Usenet Oracularities #204    (14 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 11 Oct 90 09:57:03 -0500

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   200
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

204   14 votes 14441 11543 14720 22433 45212 21542 12632 11543 44114 18410
204   3.0 mean  3.0   3.5   2.7   3.2   2.4   3.2   3.2   3.5   2.8   2.4


204-01    (14441 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Why do we have to pay so much tuition to attend college?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually institutions of higher learning have striven to cultivate an
} academic lifestyle revolving around long periods of mind-numbing study
} interspersed with heavy drinking sessions to prevent the students from
} asking precisely that question.  So, go tell it to the Dean of
} Students and he'll give you a free case of Smirnoffs!
}
} Oracular Riddle:  What's the difference between a Dean of Students
} and ripe cheese?
}
} Oracular Solution:  One is covered with mold and gives off a foul
} odor, & the other goes great with crackers.


204-02    (11543 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello Mr.  Oracle.  We here a Nerds University are holding a little
> contest to get extra credit in English class.
>
> We are sending you 6,000 copies of the same question to test
> scientifically the output level of your humor.  We are doing the same
> thing to Henry Cate III as a control variable.  Each reponse to our
> question will be graded on humor, style, content, and of course the
> bathing suit competition.
>
> Here is the question [drum roll]:
>
> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
>
> You have two days to consider your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, you mean Henry Cate III, the Xerox Original?
}
} He just recycles his humor over the net every year.  Didn't you know?
}
} Seriously, though, let's go over to the wood shop and take a look...
}
} Oracle: So, I see a lot of woodchucks around here.
}
} Guy in Safety Goggles: Yeah, that's Larry over there on the band saw.
}      You see Chet there over on the disk sander.  They're some of our
}      most productive craftsmen, too, let me tall ya.
}
} O: I'm very impressed.
}
} GiSG: Most people are.  They're good at using found objects in nature;
}      you know, driftwood, underbrush, and, of course, chestnuts for
}      stain.
}
} O: I guess you hear that "tongue-twister" joke question a lot, don't
}      you?
}
} GiSG: Oh, you mean about woodchucks chucking wood?  Heh.  Yeah.  But you
}      know, they really have a hard time just chucking things.  I'll say,
}      "hey, Carl, it's trash!  Get rid of it!"  But then he looks at it
}      and says: "Nooo, nooo...  I can do something with this...  Just
}      look at this shape and that texture.  I'm sure I can do something
}      with this."


204-03    (14720 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the TRUE meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arg!  Do you people never have original questions, O snivelling mortal?
} I've posted my opinion on this one too many times to count.  Lets have
} someone else's view:
} >sticks head out window<
} Odiferous Oracle: Hey! What's the TRUE meaning of life?!
} Nun: (pious frigidus) Life is being and becoming a part of God. When we
} truly become one with Him, life ends and our reward is served.
} Business Man: (stress attackitus) Life is working hard for a good days
} pay and beating the opposition hands down.
} Yuppie: (clothes designicus) Life is the latest in good music, clothes
} and a Mazarati X-67.
} New Kids Fans: (pre-pubescicus) Life is having HIM look at me! <swoon>
} Overexerted Oracle:  (truly omniscient) No, no, no, no, no, NO, *NO!!!*.
} No wonder I usually answer this myself.  Ok, one more time people:
} Life, its true purpose, meaning and fulfillment is:  A link to the net,
} a tv larger than the wall, a never-ending cash-flow, and mail from your
} net.lover.
}
} 'Scuse me, I have to go check my mail.  You owe the Oracle a certain
} Monty Python tape and a hot romance.


204-04    (22433 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please may I have a 5-line .signature for my news articles?  Please
> please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not if you want to follow etiquette rules.
}
} You owe the oracle a long apology, quoting vociferously from several
} sources.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}  OOO   RRRR     A     CCC   L      EEEEE  "If you heard it here, it has
} O   O  R   R   A A   C   C  L      E       to be GOOD." -- Smuckers
} O   O  RRRR   AAAAA  C      L      EEE
} O   O  R  R   A   A  C   C  L      E      oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
}  OOO   R   R  A   A   CCC   LLLLL  EEEEE
}
} AT&T:   1-(800)-555-1212      BITNET:  oracle%iuvax.cs.indana.edu@BITNIC
} Snail:  George Herbert Walker Bush  QuackNet:  <honk> <quack> <oracle>
}         1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
}         Washington, DC  20011
}
} "Be all you can be, become a Jello wrestler" -- Joan Crawford
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------


204-05    (45212 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> `   1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9   0   -  =   del
> tab   q   w   e   r   t   y   u   i   o   p   [  ]  <cr>
> ctl lock a   s   d   f   g   h   j   k   l   ;   '   \
> shift  <   z   x   c   v   b   n   m   ,   .   /  shift

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Assuming you've recovered by now, what was that you were drinking and
} where can I get some of that?  I mean, not even a Gargle Blaster
} supresses creativity that much...


204-06    (21542 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to stand on your head in a bucket of tar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's nice that some folks out there still have a certain zest for
} adventure.
}
} Presumably we're not dealing with boring old bucket of cold solid tar,
} in which case you could just place your head on the surface of the tar,
} grasp the edges of the bucket and, if you're in good shape and have a
} fair sense of balance, do a normal headtand.  That's not very
} interesting is it?
}
} No, your goal is to do a headstand with your head immersed in a bucket
} of hot, steaming, noxious-smelling *molten* tar.  Now although you're
} very brave and adventurous, even you are not capable of plunging your
} head into the black, viscous substance and doing a normal handstand.
} The instant your head is immersed in the stuff you will experience
} unbelievable pain which will cause a complete loss of motor control, and
} you'll turn into a flailing ninny, which is hardly an achievement.
}
} So you'll need a couple of friends.  They should tie you up first, and
} probably give you a powerful sedative of some kind.  This is because as
} things proceed you will probably lose interest in the project, and could
} end up making their tasks very difficult.
}
} Anyway, you, bound and sedated, kneel before the bucket of tar.  You
} plunge your head into the bucket, maybe with the help of your friend if
} you're losing interest at this point.  Meanwhile, the second friend has
} slung a rope through a pulley which is bolted to the ceiling, and tied
} one end of the rope to your feet.  That friend now pulls on the rope,
} hoisting you upwards by the feet.  You are now doing a headstand with
} your head in a bucket of tar!  Or actually you're hanging from the
} ceiling with your head suspended in a bucket of tar, but that's close
} enough I think.  Congratulations!  Now all three of you can bask in the
} glory of your unique achievement -- or rather your two friends can,
} because -- well, you're dead.


204-07    (12632 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY OH WHY CAN'T DOGS FLY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            "Why Oh Why Can't Dogs Fly"
}
}                         by
}
}                     The Oracle
}
}
}               Hell I tried to
}               neuter my bloodhound
}               Bernie with some hedge
}               clippers once and
}               he flew pretty good.


204-08    (11543 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I say an orange? Silly me.
> I meant an orang-utan.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Waiter:  Your orange, ma'am.
}
} Diner: Did I say an orange?  Silly me.  I meant an orang-utan.
}
} Waiter: Ah, a common mistake ma'am.  Unfortunately I'm afraid we're
} fresh out of Orangutan, but would you like to see our primate list?
}
} Diner: Please.
}
} Waiter: Here you are.
}
} D: Thank you.  Oh my!  This looks marvelous!  You know, I was very sorry
} about the budget cuts of course, but they've certainly made visiting
} the zoo a ... culinary safari!
}
} W: Well put ma'am.
}
} D: Hmmm ... the Madagascar Gibbon looks interesting ...
}
} W: It's very good ma'am.  Also, have you had our Batter-fried
} Mandrill?
}
} D: No I haven't ... it sounds tempting ... but actually, I'll just
} have the Jane Goodall special.  My diet you know.
}
} W: Excellent choice ma'am.
}
} [WAITER goes into kitchen.]
}
} W: Hey Tony -- bludgeon a chimp!


204-09    (44114 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose fame is famous and whose strength is strong,
>
> You occasionally delegate a question-answering job to me. However, I
> have received no guidelines for question-answering. Please tell me the
> expectations as well as the benefit/reward system involved. I also
> have a number of questions about health insurance, fringe benefits,
> and stock, but those can wait. Thank you, omniscient one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MM>s
}   To: oracle-people@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
}   cc:
}   Subject:  Question Concerning the Underlying Philosophy of the Oracle
}   Message
}
} Dear Oracle-people,
}
} Attached is a question I recently received.  I think this person wants
} more than the "wise and witty answer" suggestion found in the oracle
} help file -- I think he really wants an incisive account of the
} underlying philosophy and obligations associated with Oracular
} correspondence.  I find his concern extremely encouraging, given the
} recent decline in the quality of Oracular correspondence.
}
} Thanks very much for you prompt attention to this matter.  I'll
} include your comments in my reply.
}
}
} Insert file:  good.question
} [OK]
}
} S>s
} MM>
} MM>ch
}    35) The "Treatise Concerning the Underlying Philosophy and
}        Obligations of Oracular Correspondence" file you requested.
} MM>r 35
} From oracle-pipple@iuvax.bs.indochina.eggo Mon Oct 42 53:49:46 1632
} Flags: 33333.2
} Return-Path: <oracle-folk@hoover.cs.india.edam>
} Received: from iuvox.cs.pembroke.edu by hepcat@cs.institution.edu
}       (2.99/FBI) id BC444; Wed, 10 Oct 60 13:49:43 ESP
} Message-Id: <24994.CUM455@cs.noble.institution.edu>
} Received: by iuvex.bb.indianhead.into
} Date: Man, 17 Ect 33 12:02:21
} From: Oracle Land <oracleheh@iuvax.in.diana.limbo>
} To: oracle-loose@iuvax.cs.indochina.oddbo
} Subject:  The "Treatise Concerning the Underlying Philosophy and
}           Obligations of Oracular Correspondence" file you requested.
} Reply to:  don@t.bother
}
} Just answer the fucking questions.
}
} MM>q
} $


204-10    (18410 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last week, as were were approaching Rotterdam with a cargo of herring
> and Spanish silver (the silver being courtesy of English privateers,
> who gave it in exchange for herring and fresh water off the coast of
> Greenland), she began taking in water at an alarming rate.  We made it
> into port, god be thanked (as we were but a few leagues out when this
> happened), but clearly she needs major repairs -- the timbers in her
> bottom are almost rotted out, her keel should probably be replaced,
> and perhaps the rudder too.
>
> Let me introduce myself, by the way.  I am the captain of the "Lady
> Gwen", a fine (or so I had thought!) clinker-built cog of Dutch make.
> (Needless to say I'm surprised that a dutch-built cog should be so
> poorly built, for 'tis but 22 years since the Gwen's first voyage.)
> Jan Schulter, a provisioner from Utrecht, suggested I contact you; he
> praised you as a most superior Oracle whose advice is always sober,
> respectable, and free of charge.  I place great store in Jan's
> opinion's.
>
> But back to my problem.  Now, perhaps I can raise money for repairs (I
> know a tobacco merchant named Reuter who, kind-hearted fool that he
> is, will perhaps lend to me on favorable terms), yet there's no chance
> my crew will loiter in Rotterdam until repairs are complete, when so
> many ships sit idle here for want of crews!  In theory I could lure a
> crew from among the Java merchantmen by offering exhorbitant pay (the
> Java merchants always have full crews on hand, they being rich enough
> to pay their crews to be idle no matter how long they wait in port),
> but that would cost me so dear any voyage I make would only sink me
> deeper into debt.  So, even after repairs are complete I shall remain
> in port, my debts piling up -- I cannot even pay the interest, Oracle!
> And my creditors are already hounding me, and if remain here they will
> surely press charges, landing me squarely in debtors' prison-- yet how
> could I abandon my ship, my home -- all I value -- and where could I
> go?  You see my dilemma, Oracle -- I fear I'm up the shit canal sans
> bargepole!  What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sober, respectable, FREE OF CHARGE?!!?!?  I shall have to speak to this
} Jan Schulter.  As to your trifling difficulty, I suggest consulting the
} local 'pnaman' - he will provide you with a quick, effective, thought
} unguaranteed repair to your ship in exchange for a mere 50% of your
} soul.  Failing this, and this I garner from your wording that stealing
} is not an option, I suggest releasing the virulent disease 'twang'nolvat
} (plaid fever) in the community.  Soon those exhorbitantly priced Java
} merchant men will be begging to serve on your ship and most of your
} creditors will have written you off - or been written off.  Of course
} you will have to obtain a good supply of nrangen tealeaves before
} effecting this (well known as proof against any plague and with very few
} side-effects noticable within six years).
}
} You owe the oracle a case of smoked herring - sans bones.


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