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Internet Oracularities #205

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Usenet Oracularities #205    (15 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 12 Oct 90 18:57:47 -0500

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205   15 votes 1a310 32820 13551 14541 04173 02580 34530 13650 05361 10284
205   3.1 mean  2.3   2.6   3.1   3.0   3.6   3.4   2.5   3.0   3.2   3.9


205-01    (1a310 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle whose flanges fit all grooves, one of the elders addressed
> me, saying, "Who are these clothed in white robes, and whence have
> they come?"  I don't know what to tell him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle supplicant, tell them this:
}
} "This is Drs Smith, Anderson and Gutherie.  They are from
} the Rubrik Clinic for the Mentally "Challenged".  They've
} come so we can share with them the mysteries of USENET that
} we have uncovered.  I have also mentioned to them about the
} unicorn that lives in the bottom of the garden, and
} explained that we have started learning Lithuanian so we can
} understand what mosquitoes are saying.  Now gentlemen, if
} you can stand still while they take our measurements, they
} will vest us with the long-sleeved, back-fastening garments
} that will signify that we are priest of the USENET Oracle."
}
} And remember: don't count your boobies before they're
} hatched.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quiet chat and a lifetimes supply of
} lithium.


205-02    (32820 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There are three cranes outside my window on a building site. The
> building work on the site is progressing, and the new buildings are
> going up all right, but I never see the cranes move at all.
> How come?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those structures are, in fact, not cranes at all, but
} neo-anarcho-chromistic works of art by the two post-plasticist Danish
} artist brothers, Wollmar and Soeren Strauss.  With the exception of some
} distastrous attempts in the field of live cod sculpture in Narvik,
} Norway, this is their first joint effort.  Wollmar are the most widely
} known of the two, with a back log of such fine items as 'unpainted brick
} wall in thunderstorm' in Moggio, France, and 'several vomiting heavy
} metal musicians' a spontaneous collage created at the Reading Festival,
} UK 1987, not to mention his series of expressionistic wall clocks in
} cast iron, stained glass and elm.  Soeren, albeit being the more
} productive one, has attracted less attention, despite his marvellous
} multi-med creations such as '200 wooden aspirin tablets in white room'
} and 'the dancing fawn', the latter illustrating a fawn that dances.
} This current project of theirs, which you are witnessing every day, are
} to be named 'several butcher's aprons', a most appropriate name for such
} a breath- taking design.
}
} The buildings themselves are constructed by osmosis, secretly absorbing
} bricks and concrete from the neighboring houses, so watch your head.
}
} You owe the Oracle seven cans of cerise paint.


205-03    (13551 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question is a little tentative. Wondering if the Oracle might
} be too haughty? Don't be shy. Meanwhile, here's our standard junkmail
} insert.
} --------------
} Section One: Capitalism.
}
}     WIN! WIN! WIN! *** TEN MILLION DOLLAR GIVEAWAY *** WIN! WIN! WIN!
}
} That's right, you, USENET ORACLE, could be the proud owner of TEN
} MILLION DOLLARS if you win our Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!!
} Imagine what it would be like to never care about money! Travel wherever
} you like and buy a big fancy car! Capitalism at its best!
}
} All your friends, USENET, will say you're the big star of INDIANA,
} when we announce the USENET ORACLE TEN MILLION on TV following the
} Johnny Carson show. Just watch for me, Ed McMahon, on NBC! And buy
} magazines!
} --------------
} Section Two: Communism.
}
}     WIN! WIN! WIN! *** TEN MILLION CHICKENS GIVEAWAY *** WIN! WIN! WIN!
}
} Comrade USENET ORACLE, will you not give to the state your extra time
} and devotion? The party knows what is best for the people, and we need
} you to work extra hard. We will be giving chickens away to those factory
} workers who are willing to also be farmers for the state. All your
} friends, Comrade ORACLE, will take pride in your aid to the state!
} --------------
} Section Three: Iraqism.
}
}     WIN! WIN! WIN! *** TEN MILLION HOMES GIVEAWAY *** WIN! WIN! WIN!
}
} Mr. ORACLE USENET, as a registered citizen of Iraq you are entitled to
} a 15 acre plot of land in beautiful downtown Kuwait. Why not settle
} there now, friend ORACLE? In fact, if you act RIGHT NOW, before
} MIDNITE TONITE, we'll even name a whole town after you and your
} family. Why, everyone will be coming to visit and shop in TOWN USENET,
} the hometown of ORACLE USENET!!
}
} Offer invalid where prohibited by attacking foreign troops.


205-04    (14541 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH ORACLE, OH ORACLE . A QUERY TO MY SELFLISH QUESTION I DO WISH TO ASK
> YOU. WHAT IS THE QUANTUM PARSEC FOR THE THIRD BLACK SUN LOCATED IN THE
> UNIVERSE PARALELL TO OUR SUN FROM THE NORTH POLE OF SAME(OUR SUN)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How many times must the grad students beg
}   Before they receive a degree?
} How many times must a standard be set
}   Before IBM will agree?
} The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind.
}   The answer is blowin' in the wind.
}
} What does a flag do on a flagpole
}   When it's not too still for a breeze?
} What is it called when into a gale
}   A huge man lets loose a big sneeze?
} The answer, my friend, is "blowin' in the wind".
}   The answer is "blowin' in the wind".
}
} Who put the catch in the catch twenty-two
}   And ram in the ram lam ding dong?
} Why does Hussein dress up in women's clothes
}   And play shuffleboard and ping pong?
} The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind.
}   The answer is blowin' in the wind.
}
} The parallel universe you refer to is inhabited by strange beings.
} It is the Universe of the Peter, Paul, and Mary Clones. In this universe
} the answer to every question is either "blowin' in the wind" or "long
} time ago". Makes the Usenet Oracle a little repetitive over there...


205-05    (04173 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, psychologist makes passes at me and keeps lurking around my
> house. My dentist chuckles and drills into the wrong places
> intentionally! My pharmicist calls me "stupid" and adds hallucinagens
> to my aspirin subsitute. And now my doctor tells me that I need my
> heart and kidneys removed and replaced with Artificial SPAM! I want
> a second opinion! What's your prognosis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Dr. Brenner, Dr. Reynolds here thinks the lady should be gutted
} and stuffed with spam.  Can you give her a second opinion?
}
} Okay.  You need to be stuffed and gutted, and your kids are ugly.  Dr.
} Chang?
}
} Your kids are ugly, and you need a colostomy bag that matches your
} purse.  Dr. Mitchell?
}
} Definetly a colostomy bag, but get rid of that dress.  You look like a
} geisha nun.  Dr. Benveniste?
}
} Very much like a geisha nun, and your marinara sauce tastes like motor
} oil.  Dr. Oba?
}
} It sure does Tony, now stop bothering the Oracle.  Dr. Oracle?
}
} I second that opinion.


205-06    (02580 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      I've been puzzling over this dilemma.  Once I went into a restroom
> to wash my hands.  When I finished I looked and saw one of those
> electric hand dryers.  Well, on the front of the dryer was a little
> plaque stating:
>
>          For your convenience, this establishment has installed
>          electric hand dryers.  This quick, sanitary method
>          reduces the dangers of hand chapping, and the danger
>          of the spreading of disease due to paper towel waste.
>
> "This is a good thing", I thought.  "I didn't even know that I was in
> danger from paper towel waste, and this establishment has thoughtfully
> taken decisive action to protect me!"
>
> Well, imagine my shock when I went into a gas station rest room a week
> later, and saw that the establishment *DID NOT HAVE ELECTRIC HAND
> DRYERS!* Immediately my pulse rate shot up, beads of sweat dripped from
> my armpits as I stared at the *DEADLY TRASH CAN FILLED WITH DISEASE
> RIDDEN PAPER TOWEL WASTE!!*
>
> Well, I acted quickly, and decided on a quick, foolproof method of
> eliminating the paper-towel menace.  I ran out to my car, dug through
> the piles of trash in the back seat, and located an old Hardees cup.  I
> went out and filled the cup with super unleaded from the nozzle, went
> back into the restroom, and holding my breath to avoid being attacked by
> germs from the *PAPER TOWEL WASTE*, I poured the gasoline over the used
> paper towels, propped open the door, threw a match into the trash can,
> and ran.
>
> Well, I'm pretty sure that I was successful in eliminating the menace of
> *DISEASE RIDDEN PAPER TOWELS* from that particular restroom, my approach
> did seem to be, well, a bit of an overkill.  Even more disturbingly, I
> recently read an article that said that the whole business of the
> warning plaque on electric warm-air hand dryers is, well, a lot of hot
> air.  Now I am having doubts over whether or not I did the right thing.
> Please, most wise oracle, offer counsel and guidance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you ever get the urge to SAVE SODA CAN TABS FOR KIDNEY TRANSPLANTS?
} Do you believe that THE LITTLE MERMAID is a classic?  Do you really
} believe people drink Diet Coke JUST FOR THE TASTE OF IT?  Do you believe
} that DISPOSABLE PAPER TOWELS CAUSE DISEASE??
}
} You use paper towels to dry your hands AFTER washing, right?  So how
} much dirt and grime could there be on them?  If I were you, I'd worry
} about the handles of the sink and the toilet seats.  Don't get pregnant!
}
} Sad, but true:  humans, like computers, can get viruses.  The simplest
} form of virus attacks you through the eyes.  Unsuspecting, you are
} drying your hands and then suddenly you glance down and it says:
}
}         Thank goodness you are using an electric hand dryer!
}         Our paper towel competitors are trying to murder you!
}         The alternative to holding your hands under this weak
}         nozzle and eventually giving up in disgust and wiping
}         them on your pants is an agonizing illness and death!!
}
} This virus takes control of your thought centers, and leaps into your
} brain because of the "if it's printed it must be true" rule.  You see it
} in print, and therefore you not only read it, you believe it.  Anyone
} can post to sci.space with a JPL signature, whether or not they work
} there.
}
} I once had this disease.  It causes nervous twitches.  You start looking
} over your shoulder.  YOU START TAKING ROSEANNE BARR SERIOUSLY AND
} IMITATING HER!!!!  The only solution is to go to a professional printer,
} and have the following text printed on premium bond paper and bound into
} an academic and official-looking book, like the Bible.
}
}         "You'll die unless you give the Usenet Oracle all your
}          money, access to your system, and your sister."
}
} The Oracle has caught you hypnotized and you cannot stop reading this
} sentence until you come to the very end!!


205-07    (34530 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is todays date

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Today's date is not the date of old, for the date of old is the sweet
} dry fruit of which the dust-encrusted Araby merchant partakes when his
} great caravan ceases for a time its wearying task of transporting to
} the Christian lands incense, carpets, silks, and those spices which
} are the envy of the Venetians, as well as other rare and wondrous
} treasures from beyond the Empire of the Great Mogul, to pause briefly
} at the oasis miraculously appearing in the midst this most parched and
} scorching nether region of the Sultan's realm, and tether beneath the
} tall palm that bears the sweet dry fruit the camel, which though still
} standing with eyes half-closed in pleasure following the unexpected
} luxury of rest and water, now grows dimly restive and annoyed as
} awareness of its bothersome fleabights increases with the vanishing of
} toil, and so prepares to vomit bile upon the obnoxious Indian boy who
} torments it with a horsehair whisk, whereas today's date is 10/11/90.


205-08    (13650 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most omniscient of omnisciators,
> In the game of 'Holy Dido' is it best to try and advance yourself in the
> seating of the brotherhood or to maintain your status quo (especially if
> you happen to have a comfortable chair currently)
>
> Brother number four.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bad move bro.  Look at the rules again:
}
}         ... and thus the player's fate, yea, whether that player
}       shall live or shall die, will be decided by spinning the
}       spinner.
}
}               22.13.4A. And woe to the player who doth sit him down
}       in the comfy chair, for that player shall be shunned by all
}       the players, yea, and by all brothers that do walk upon the
}       earth, for the Shriners and Freemasons shall shun him, and the
}       Templars and Hospitalers shall shun him, and the Rosicrucians,
}       the Elks and the Mooses shall shun him utterly, and all other
}       associations whose members don the fez shall shun him, and
}       Menuedo shall shun that player with great rigour, and the
}       Pistons and Bruins shall shun him, and so all brotherhoods,
}       sects, clubs, confraternities, and all the other loose
}       groupings of males whatsoever shall shun him utterly, yea,
}       even as they shun the loathesome Corgie, and great shall be
}       the shunning of that player, for the brother who hath sat of
}       the comfy chair must walk the earth an outcast among brothers
}       and shall lose the game utterly, and great shall be the
}       losing thereof, for so it is written in the rules.
}
}
} The Oracle shuns you.


205-09    (05361 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many Purity Tests could a UseNetter post
> if a UseNetter could find its ass in broad daylight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's an easy one!
}
} There was version 1, but a Usenetter couldn't post that one because
}   nobody's ever seen it.
} Then we skipped on to version 4. Then 4a, 4b, and 4S (for Sonja).
} Now purity tests are being independently developed by several people,
}   so we have versions 5, 5.1, 5.1a, "Q", and 13 other variations.
} Then there was the homosexual purity test, the bisexual purity test,
}   and the asexual purity test.
} Then there was the version for virgins only.
} Then the version for dead people.
} Then the CD-ROM version; and the video version (with illustrations).
} Then it was translated into 47 different languages, including Latin.
} Rumor has it that it has been encoded in the message that NASA is
}   been beaming out into outer space at any other life forms bored
}   enough to listen.
} Then it was decided that the purity test was racist, so now there
}   are versions for African-Americans, Jews, Polish-Americans,
}   Italian-Americans, American Indians, plus one with blanks to
}   fill in for any oppressed minority.
} There is a closed-captioned version (for the hearing impaired) and
}   of course the braille version.
} David Duke made up his own version, with only one question:
}   "Do you like blacks?"  (He had a perfect score)
} Saddam Hussein purportedly invaded Kuwait to score better on the
}   terrorist version. (he's got to catch up with Khomeini)
} And George Bush made his own version by adding the questions "Have
}   you ever eaten broccoli? With a member of the opposite sex? Without
}   any clothes on? While near-war was going on on the other side of the
}   world?"
} Finally, there is a BIFF version.
}
} If you are asking, then, how many DIFFERENT purity tests a Usenetter
} could post if a Usenetter could find its ass in broad daylight,
} as you can see the answer is 173.
}
} However, the question that Miss Manners knows you meant to ask was
} "What did Miss Manners score on the purity test?"
}
} All Oracles score 100% purity on the Oracle purity test.
}
} You owe the Oracle one night of trying to lower your score on the
} purity test with the Oracle's friends and Miss Manners.


205-10    (10284 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I perceive you are a bit nervous, shy one.  Let me relax you with
} a story.
}
} One fine spring day a young girl wearing a yellow summer frock was
} walking her cocker spaniel through Hyde Park in London.  Suddenly her
} little dog saw a cat in the distance and, slipping its leash, went
} dashing down the path in pursuit.  "Oh help me, help me!" cried the
} little girl.  "My dog is running away!  Somebody save my dog!"  An old
} gentleman in tweed heard the girl's cry, and with surprising agility
} intercepted the spaniel, which he caught and returned to the girl.
}
} "Oh thank you sir!  Thank you ever so much for saving my dog," said
} the little girl, tears streaming down her face.  "I don't know what I
} would do without him.  Oh, how can I ever repay you?"
}
} "There there, don't cry little girl," said the man, "You needn't repay
} me I assure you, it was my pleasure entirely.  Not to worry.  Tell me
} little girl, what's your name?"
}
} "My name?  My name is ... Rose Petal."
}
} "Rose Petal..." repeated the man dreamily.  "Why, that is the most
} beautiful name I have ever heard.  Tell me ... Rose Petal, how did
} you ever get such a beautiful name?"
}
} "Well, one day long ago, when I was a very, very little girl, I was
} lying in my crib and the window was open, and a breeze blew in, and a
} and a single rose petal floated down and landed on my tummy.  And when
} nanny came in and saw the rose petal on my tummy, she thought it was
} the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, and she went to get mummy,
} and soon mummy and daddy and everybody were standing around my crib,
} and there I was with the single rose petal on my tummy, and they all
} thought it was so beautiful, and ever since that day I have been
} called ... Rose Petal."
}
} "Oh my ...  why ... that is the most beautifal story I have ever heard
} in all my life," replied the man, deeply moved.  "Tell me ... Rose
} Petal, what's your dog's name?"
}
} "My dog?  Why, my dog is called Piggie."
}
} "Piggie?  Why, that's an odd name for a dog.  How did your dog come to
} be called Piggie?"
}
} "He fucks pigs."


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