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Internet Oracularities #206

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206, 206-01, 206-02, 206-03, 206-04, 206-05, 206-06, 206-07, 206-08, 206-09, 206-10


Usenet Oracularities #206    (15 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 14:59:00 -0500

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206   15 votes 13641 04731 28500 14442 00870 02445 12543 13461 03552 11571
206   3.2 mean  3.1   3.1   2.2   3.1   3.5   3.8   3.4   3.2   3.4   3.4


206-01    (13641 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TELL ME THE ANSWER TO MY QUERY.  IN THE UNABASHED DICTIONARY HOW IS A
> LAWYER DEFINED?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Objection.  Argumentative and in all caps.
}
} Message from wapner@peoples.court.hollywood.tv:
} Overruled.
} EOT
}
} OK, then, the definition is as follows:
}
} "lawyer (n) A person demented enough to come up with a question like,
} "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
} for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also,
} would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
} station?" Syn.  scum, slime, worthlessness; Ant.  human."
}
} You owe the Oracle a writ of habeus corpus, with a side order of fries.


206-02    (04731 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       I shot an arrow in the air,
>       It fell to earth I do know where,
>       My neighbor is in his yard dead,
>       My arrow sticking from his head.
>
>       I ran inside and locked the door,
>       Closed the shades, scared to the core,
>       My ulcer's burning, head hurts too,
>       Oracle, what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having pondered your question, I have come to the conclusion that there
} are three things you must do:
}
} First, take some MAALOX (trademark) and some Tylenol (also trademark),
} because you can't think straight with all these distractions,
}
} Second, wipe the fingerprints off of the arrow sticking out of your late
} neighbor, being careful not to leave any tracks,
}
} Third, wipe the prints off of your bow and place it in your neighbor's
} quickly stiffening hand,
}
} If you have successfully completed these three steps, relax and feel
} safe.  The authorities will naturally assume that your neighbor was
} killed in a tragic blimp accident, and your only involvement will come
} from the numerous talk-show spots you will be doing in the near future.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new bowstring.


206-03    (28500 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fundamentally randy Oracle, five times I have trod the path of
> nefarious bifurcation, five times has its gravel got in my shoes, five
> times have my shoes been worn to shreds and my feet wept blood upon
> that path, and five times have the two identical termination points of
> that double path danced before my eyes like a glittering and seemingly
> obtainable but as yet unnobtained prize.  How long must I keep doing
> this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must not be discouraged, my friend, as we all must face hardships in
} our lives.  This path you wander may seem to lead you nowhere, when in
} fact, it will eventually cause you to end at up somewhere in the
} vicinity of five dormant volcanoes.  Once there, you must face the
} trayfiend, whose five tentacular arms will cause you much pain and
} grief, chant the Swahili national anthem backwards several times, and
} await the election of Fred Savage as vice-president of the United
} States.  If, and only if, the five blackbirds fly in a
} semi-hyperparabolic formation, you will be granted the Infra Carrot of
} Destruction which you so dearly crave.  You will then promptly be
} rescued by weavers, and return with newfound wisdom to enjoy the rest of
} your life locked up somewhere safe...  You owe the oracle a
} straightjacket.


206-04    (14442 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh creator of the recursive question, not to mention the recursive
> answer, tell me:
>         What was the question again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question which asked what the answer would be
} for the question which thou asked of little old me
} is the answer by which the asker would see
} an example of oracle magnanimity.
}
} If the question you asked was recursive
} The answer would be non-discursive
} The answer just couldn't be worse if
} The last line of this stanza didn't rhyme.
}
} So if the question you asked
} were the question I answered
} which asked you a question
} that had yet to be known
} then the answer you questioned
} would never be asked
} and the answer I sent you
} would be a question of its own.
}
} Now reversing the question
} so the question is answered
} and reversing the answer
} yeilded pi r-squared three
} then the question I answered
} would be simple geometry
} Do it yourself then
} and never ever ask me.


206-05    (00870 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Intrigueingly mottled Oracle, I'm leafing through some old National
> Geographic magazines, but find that many of the pictures are cut out,
> as well as lengthy article concerning Punjabi micro-tigers.  What am I
> missing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, you are a victim of the wave of repressive censorship
} sweeping the country.  Recent court rulings have indicated that the
} courts view pictures and stories about Punjabi micro-tigers as having
} little to no artistic value.  Furthermore, the Punjabi micro-tigers,
} when photographed, were ALL IN THE NUDE!  This is not informative
} photography, it is OBSCENE!  Furthermore, these tigers had TAILS
} inserted very close to their ANUS.  This kind of trash is what is
} responsible for the moral degradation of America.  Many of the photos in
} National Geographic depict animals in the nude, sometimes engaged in
} sexual acts.  Sometimes, they even depict people who travel casually IN
} THE NUDE!  Therefore, it was decided, in order to preserve the standards
} of community decency, and to guard the children, to sneak into
} subscribers houses and remove many of the offending pictures with
} pruning shears.  However, we have encountered a problem that some of the
} nude animal pictures caused our Covert Censorship Patrol to become quite
} sexually aroused, preventing them from cutting them out.  ("We" of
} course means a collection of people NOT containing the ALMIGHTY ORACLE).
}
} You owe the Oracle the Black Book of Robert Mapplethorpe's photos and an
} uncensored 2 Live Crew album.


206-06    (02445 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I had a dream last night.  What does that mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have encountered a phenomenon not uncommon in our society.
} These are some facts to consider when dealing with this:
}
} Pro primo:   The fact that you were dreaming implies that you were
}              asleep, which is a sign of a good, solid state of
}              conscience, especially if it ocurred during a math lecture
}              or "Leave it to Beaver".
}
} Pro secundo: If you were not asleep, you were what we specialists call
}              "day-dreaming", but as you state that this event happened
}              at night, the terminology becomes quite confused.
}
} Pro Tertio:  Freud was a loony.
}
} So, you have had a dream, and that's very good. It means that you are an
} conscious, sensitive person, perhaps even hovering at the limit of
} literacy. Now, the next step is trying to REMEMBER what the dream was
} ABOUT. This may seem confusing, or even alarming, at first, but dreams
} usually have some form of contents. The next time you have one, try to
} remember it (a good trick, especially before 5 am, is to wake your
} spouse/brother/sister/roommate/neighbor and tell it to him/her in
} great detail) and then check it against the following list to reveal
} the TRUE MEANING of it:
}
} APRONS, BUTCHER'S, SEVERAL, to wear: You will get a minor role in the
}                                      Broadway version of The Texas
}                                      Chainsaw Massacre.
}
} AUSTRALIANS, to insult: Your great-uncle Bernhard in Wooloomooloo,
}                         Sydney, will send you a live platypus for
}                         your next birthday.
}
} BAG OF EASTER EGGS, to bang into wall: You will see a wet stain.
}
} BLONDES AND BRUNETTES, BEAUTIFUL, BUSTY, to enjoy the company of: see
}                                                                   above.
}
} CLIFF, HUGE, to fall from: You will ask someone else to change that
}                            light bulb for you.
}
} EMPEROR, ROMAN, to irritate by your religious conviction: Your cat will
}                                                           begin to eye
}                                                           you hungrily.
}
} FLARES, to wear: You will become no 1 on the British top 10 hit list.
}
} HORSE, DEAD, to flog: You will become New Kids On The Block's manager.
}
} HORSE, GIFT, to look in mouth: You will read the ingredients declaration
}                                on your breakfast cereal.
}
} PANTS, not wearing  any in public: You are not dreaming! Hurry up, find
}                                    something to cover you up before any-
}                                    one will notice and you make a total
}                                    fool of yourself.
}
} PEAS, to stuff up your nose: I haven't the faintest idea what THAT could
}                              mean.
}
} PINE TREE, to sit in: You will, in a most painful (or PINE-full, ha ha)
}                       way, find a pin (or a PINE, double ha ha) in your
}                       new Armani shirt.
}
} THORNTON, to be named: Your name is Emerson.
}
} TOTAL RECALL AND PREDATOR, to appreciate: You will drown the next time
}                                           you go out when it's raining.
}
} XYZZY, to say: A green bird will block your path.
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of black leather bed linen.


206-07    (12543 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When the third moment of the hour after the clock has tolled midnight is
> alway the one when you get the feeling something is behind you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -->> INCOMING MESSAGE
} ...
} -->> MESSAGE MEANING NOT DETERMINED
} ...
} -->> MARKING MESSAGE AS GARBLED/GIBBERISH
} ...
} -->> FORWARDING MESSAGE TO GIBBERISH TRANSLATOR
} ...
} *************** analyzing **************
} 2% probability - message meaning is:
} Why is it always three moments (assume moment defined as second or
} minute) after the clock tolls midnight that you get the feeling
} something is behind you?
}
} 11% probability - message meaning is:
} I really want you to know that I have absolutely no grasp of the
} English language.  This question is an example!
}
} 87% probability - message is sent to waste valuable Oracular time.
} ************* analysis complete **********
} ...
} -->> FORWARDING 87% PROBABILITY RESULTS TO ORACLE
}
} Well, this always annoys me.  I have better things to do with my time.
} The Oracular queue is getting backed up and it's because of people
} like you.  Why don't you do a dozen or so ASK ME's instead of sending
} me your mental garbage.


206-08    (13461 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Learned Oracle, what is the irreducible minimum of Arthurian fact?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The irreducible minimum of Arthurian fact is as follows:
} 1) No woman was faithful to her husband.
} 2) Truly virtuous knights were asexual.
} 3) Kings were incredibly unperceptive to not notice that his Queen was
} sleeping with the Most Honored Knight.
} 4) If you were a handsome knight, you had it made.
}
} You owe the Oracle a candid picture of Queen Guinivere.


206-09    (03552 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh grand omnipotent omniscient omnipresent imperial stomping Oracle
>
> I have this recurring dream wherein I am standing at the top of a
> great volcano somewhere on a tropical island.  I am dressed in long,
> flowing, sun-god type robes.  All around me are thousands of blonde,
> Dutch, screaming girls, all completely nude.  They are all throwing
> little pickles at me.  Does this dream mean that I will someday end up
> a drooling pathetic moron pushing shopping carts full of trash through
> Times Square?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Such simple dreams you give me!
}
} Being on a high promontory wearing nothing but long flowing sun-god
} type robes with lots of people down below looking upwards is a common
} manifestation of nakedness anxiety.  I often dream I'm perched on a
} chandelier in the Brooklyn Public Library wearing only a flimsy grass
} skirt with nothing underneath.  That's normal.
}
} The volcano represents the insatiable desire of the Dutch girls, who
} in turn represent all the females you have ever slept with, or wanted
} to sleep with.  They are Dutch because of Anje Boswijk.  Remember
} Anje?  The hurling of the pickles is an accusation; they are saying,
} in effect, "Your member is the size of a baby girkhin!"
}
} The manifest dream content can be traced to the first time you had sex
} with Anje.  You were on the couch watching an episode of "Carson
} Comedy Classics" featuring Don _Rickles_, which here emerges as
} "pickles."  Sitting on the coffee table was a book of photographs of
} erotic art found at Pompeii -- hence the volcano.  Also, the book's
} pictures of Satyrs with immense phalluses triggered in you feelings of
} sexual inadequacy which you subconsciously associate with your own
} Oedipal neuroses, and also with Anje's calling you a "a drooling
} pathetic moron with a member the size of a baby girhkin."
}
} Fortunately you will not end up a bag person in Times Square, although
} you will spend your golden years in Central Park singing "Let My
} People Go" while tapdancing in a pinwheel hat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big cigar.


206-10    (11571 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>     I have done a program which tries to find repeated patterns in a
> set of text files.  The purpose of this is to determine if there are
> many attempts at subliminal messages or advertising in our everyday
> life.  As an example, when I typed in all the national news articles in
> the last issue of Newsweek, the 26th, 43rd, 107th, 181st, 255th and
> 309th words of every article were:
>
>       "Bush loves Iraq down with Bush"
>
> No person could find this pattern, no matter how hard they tried, but
> tests have shown that the subconscious picks them up, and remembers
> them.
>
> What is your opinion of this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear friend,
}
} Are YOU certain that you have NEVER been to Pittsburgh?  The Oracle SAW
} quite a few organizations there THAT share your fears.  Some MESSAGE
} imbedded IN a modern publication such as NEWSWEEK?  Foolishness.
}
} THE nerve of some people.  In Pittsburgh the ORACLE was accosted by some
} street hooligans claiming that Rock and Roll IS the work of the devil
} and that there were SUBLIMINAL messages hidden inside.  Of course, they
} tried to get me to donate money to GOD.
}
} So why should the Oracle GIVE up hard-earned dough?  If you ask ME,
} there are just a lot of people in this world who ALL want attention.
} Claiming "cold fusion", "shouting wolf", and shouting "no new taxes" are
} just a way to get inside YOUR brain and force you to listen.  In the
} end, like perhaps even you, you upstart, all they want is MONEY.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything, conciously speaking.


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