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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I took a copy of "Jerusalem" sung by the Vatican Choir, played it > backwards, and discovered "Satan's snot soldiers sing sweetly" right > in the middle when they're singing "Bring me my chariot of desire". > What larger ramifications does this have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Long, long ago, the ancients set forth the rules and regulations that } would govern the land:  man would be sovereign, trees would bear } fruit, women would laugh about the men, etc.  All these things were } made to be, and they saw that it was good. } } However, Lazariticus, one of the ancients, saw a flaw in the network } they had created.  "Fellow Ancients," he said, "we have a flaw."  And } indeed, they did. } } For you see, if one took a copy of "Jerusalem" sung by the Vatican } Choir and played it backwards, the message "Satan's snot soldiers sing } sweetly" would come through like a beacon, and the faith of humanity } in gooldy things would certainly smolder and die. } } Well, the ancients were convinced that no-one would be desperate } enough for something to do that they would play this song backwards. } "Besides," said one of the elders, "that song won't be written for } quite some time, and who would possibly think to play it backwards..." } } } } You blew it. } } } } You owe the Oracle an apology.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My best friend is a social worker.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know how you feel.  At one time my best friend was a KGB mime, and for } a while I was all buddy-buddy with a toxic waste taste-tester.  You've } just got to raise your standards, that's all.  Progress gradually --give } the social worker the brush-off, and start hanging out with real estate } agents, then drunken opossums, and so on.  You'll be rubbing elbows with } the beautiful people in no time. } } You owe the Oracle the girdle of a Gabor sister.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Does the oracle know the answers to all the questions in > Jeopardy? > > And if so does it prove anything?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            Dum                 Dum }          dum      dum        dum       dum, }                     dum, } } }                       *doop* }      Dum        Dum           ee- } dum        dum                     doop- }                                           ee- }                                                doop- }                                                       ee- } }      *DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING*DING!!!! } } Well, you're looking kind of doubtful Mary, let's see what you put down } -- "What is Brazilia", no, I'm sorry that's the wrong answer.  Of course } you had no winnings this game, so you bet ...  zero. } } You seem rather hopeful John, although you didn't score either, but... } "Who are the Andrews sisters", no, I'm sorry John.  That's not correct. } } And the Usenet Oracle is inscrutable as usual, and your answer is ... } "What is the question:  What is the most blatantly rhetorical question } ever asked on `Jeopardy' ?" And that, of course, is correct, which } brings your winnings to far more than we can pay.  Therefore, as per a } pre-arranged agreement between the Oracle and Sajack Enterprises, from } now on this show will be called "Celebrity Jello Jump" ...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've got rhythm, I've got music, > I've got my gal, who could ask for anything more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buy an umbrella. } Definitely. } }       Look, We hate to break it to you, just at a time when things } are really lookin' good, but..... }       ....hard times are on the way. } } Heck, We don't even have to be prescient to know that. Just look. All } the classic warning signs are there: } }       1)      "rhythym" Your life has stabilised. Those annoying }               inner-ear problems have gone. Everything is happening }               when it should. But the build up of wax is starting, }               and your heart will lose the beat }       2)      "music" hmmmph. You're hearing things. Or if you aren't }               yet, you soon will be. probably due to that wax build-up. }       3)      "gal" You Bastard. Parade your personal success around, }               why don't you? It's not easy being an omniscient, }               omnipotent, omniprescient Oracle, you know. We don't }               have someone warm and cuddly to share, so why should you. } } Undoubtedly all these factors are UNDENIABLE signs that the end is nigh. } Or at least a one-person recession. If you sacrifice a heifer to } Demeter, and examine its entrails, you'll see it too. So... } } ...NOW is the time to buy boxes and boxes of tissues, umbrellas, } tins of soup and sweet corn, long-life batteries and head for the hills. } Before it's TOO late. Alternatively, shave your head, and enter } a monastary where you can devote your life to expurgating all } lewd and lascivious thoughts from the Reader's Digest condensed version } of The Pilgrim's Progress. } } Remember, }       "the glass is half-empty." }       "a full-house always loses to a four-of-a-kind" }       "if you bend over to pick up a 100-dollar bill, someone will }               kick you in the ass" } } You owe the Oracle a new CD player, and a blow-up Elle MacPherson. } } mutterBastarduttermutterfirstagainstthewallrmuttermuttermuttermutter } muttewhentherevolutioncomestermuttesomeguysgetalltheluckttemuttemutt } ermuttermuttermuttermutterermuttermuttermuttermutterermuttermuttermu } tterhellgethiserermuttermhehehehehermusomeadvantagestobeinganOraclem } uttermuttrhythmbullshitermuttermumusiccraprermuttegirltermuttermutte } rmuwheredidiputthebadluckuttermaybeivegotasparepandorasboxormuttperh } apsifimoverealfasticanpinchhisgalmuttermutterandmaybegetabandtogethe } muttermutteohmygodthisisgoingouttotheshitheadkillitkillitturnitof

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh frumptious Oracle, whose clock time is in the picoseconds and who can > visualize both configurations of the Necker cube simultaneously: > >         My preciousss is gone!  Bad, bad Bagginss has taken it!  How can > I get my precious, my birthday-present, back, and suck the last piece of > marrow from the Bagginses' bones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay cut out the gollum schtik, I have some questions for you: } }       Do you think "The Silmarillion" gets better and better every }       time you read it ? } }       Do you own a silver lame' jerkin which you call your "shirt of }       mythril mail" ? } }       Do you juggle and do acrobatics at the annual "Tudor Valley }       Crafts Fair" ? } }       Do you play the recorder ? } }       Drink mead ? } }       Eat oat cakes ... ? } }       ARE YOU A PUPPET ENTHUSIAST ?!?!?!? } } Just as I thought.  You need professional help pal. } } Also, you owe the Oracle Christopher Tolkien's girdle of dwarven } stamina.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it so chilly in the mornings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As Dr.  Ulrik M.  Bronestone (Nobel Prize winner in 1996) once said, } "Coldness is fundamentally the absence of heat, caused by a shortage of } atomic particles known as hotdots.  Since many modern experiments } confirm the fact that these hotdots have no mass or electrical charge, } they are classified according to size; thus lessons and morons." } } How can something without a mass have a definite size?  This has puzzled } physicists for decades, with the only apparent effect being an alarming } increase in insane scientists.  The real answer to the problem can be } found in The Grand Theory of Scuba Diving, which also includes the } answers to several other eternal problems such as "Where _did_ I put my } piano last night?" and "Will the Beach Boys ever grow up to become Beach } Men?".  Anyway, according to the theory, mass cannot be quantumized or } enrolled in record clubs, nor can it be converted into psionic energy } without the aid of Slushpuppies and Hersheybars.  However, when the } timezone difference between Boston and Budapest exceeds the total time } required for a Sun workstation to compile a Pascal program, the density } of hotdots can diminish exponentially, which may lead to the } "weightlessness" previously described. } } Now, mornings can be chilly for a number of reasons, but most likely } they will be so because many of the larger hotdots refuse to work during } the nightly hours, which forces the smaller hotdots to work overtime to } keep a new Ice Age from occuring.  These poor hotdots get so tired that } by early morning, they either collapse from exhaustion or join together } to evolve into ostrich-hunters.  During this phase of hotdot inactivity, } the temperature slowly decreases (causing seaweed-farmers much grief) } until the remaining hotdots finish contemplating life after Simpsons and } resume their normal duties. } } You owe the oracle a physics degree.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Muse of Programming has left me, and I can't even remember how to > use the ++ operator.  What can I do to restore my talents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, you have got to apologise!  The Muse was round my } place this morning, and let me tell you, she was in a foul mood!  What } on earth propmted you to say all that stuff about Ada being a great } language?  I mean, you really know how to hurt someone, don't you? } } There aren't many ways to appease her at the moment, but here are a few } friendly suggestions (and I'm only telling you for her sake, you } understand - she's a *very* good friend, if you see what I mean ...) } } 1) Throw away all your books on Ada (and Pascal, for that matter). Trash }     all the compilers you can find that don't accept postfix AND prefix }     operators (The Muse likes a bit of variety in her sex life). Get the }     fastest optimising C compiler you can, and set it up to compile and }     execute the following program 32767 times } }    #include <apologies.h> }    #include <abasement.h> }    #include <Muse/favourite_toys.h> }    #include <Muse/sexy_underwear.h> }    #include <Muse/ice_cream.h> }    #define FAULT mine }    #define ME 0xBADBADBADBAD }    #define CRAWL_NO 256 }    main(argc, argv) }    int argc; }    char **argv; }    { }    int crawling=0; }       for(crawling=0; crawling>CRAWL_NO; crawling++) { }                                               /* THATS how you use */ }           abase(ME);                          /* ++ (postfix ...)  */ }           castigate(ME); }           humble(ME); }           humiliate(ME,whip(),beat()); }           buy(expensive_toy()); }           buy(leatherwear()); }           buy(choc_chip_ice_cream()); }           buy(red_roses(12)); }       } }    printf(stdnationalnewspaper,"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!\n"); }    printf(stdlocalpaper,"%s is truly sorry, Muse. Truly sorry!\n", }           my_name()); }    } } } 2) Cover your body with green paint, shave off all your hair, and paint }     the bald patches red. Stand out in the snow until you turn blue }     underneath.  Shout at the top of your voice "Oh Muse of Programming! }     I apologise!  Please, please, please come back! I promise I won't }     complain when you beat me at Tetris! I'll do anything for you! I was }     a bad bad bad boy!  I'll never even look at another programming }     language again! Countess Ada Lovelace means nothing to me! It was }     all a mistake! I'll do anything!"  If you're lucky, she'll come }     back. And expect to have to keep that last promise ... we were }     discussing things she'd like to do to you over toast this morning, }     and at least two things she came up with curdled the milk ... } } 3) Pluck out all your nostril hair and sellotape it to a listing of your }     last program together - she likes hairy coding. } } 4) Become a TV Evangalist promoting the values of C and C++, and get }     everyone to send all their money to Richard Stallman. Don't worry if }     you still don't know what ++ means, lack of Godly grace never }     stopped the religious evangalists in the past ... } } 5) Go without food, drink, natural sunlight and human company for 24 }     days, and spend it staring into your VDU at the diagnostic output of }     cc when trying to compile the output from a particularly good game }     of nethack.  Then figure out an effective algorithm for this year's }     version of nethackomatic, write it out in incomprehensible }     handwriting on the back of a piece of loo paper, and post it to me, }     here.  If it's any good, I think I may be able to persuade the Muse }     to nip over to help you out with such a humanitarian project. } } Basically, you see, she does like you quite a lot (and quite often going }  by what I've heard...) but you have really upset her pride. She was }  considering sleazing it down to the CS labs and picking up some spotty }  adloscent short-sighted fresher, and teaching him all about life (well, }  C and USENET, anyway) just to spite you, but I've convinced her to wait }  just a few days so that you can prove that you are really sorry. } Of course, if you're not, then we're going to send around Butch, the }  net.vicious.rottweiler.god, who will eat your testicles and typing }  fingers up to the wrist. } } Good luck, and may you make the right decisions! } } You owe the Oracle an optimising compiler that detects benckmarks, and }  compiles down to a single NOP every single time. And a banana.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose rhetoric is like no others ... > > Why is it that time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is actually a phrase used to test the internal consistency of } natural language processors.  Fruit does not fly like a banana.  In } fact, very few fruit can fly at all.  The majority belong to a wingless } species of fruit which back-evolved from the interbreeding of small land } mammals and New Zealanders.  The few fruits which do possess the power } of flight are ones such as lemons and oranges (citri alti) and a rare } South-American carrot (keratos obscurus).  Although banana-like, their } manner of flight bears enough dissimilarities to warrant another name. } } Time flies became extinct in the 13th century in after great religious } persecution.  Recent studies have shown that there favourite environment } was the armoury which could have led to the saying while the men were } dressing for battle "Check for flies." Later this developed, as language } does, to become more similar to the modern saying. } } This talk of carrots (which are known to improve eyesight) is } reminiscent of a saying of Galileo: } }         `If I have seen further than most men it is because I have used }         a telescope.' } } You owe the oracle a can of insecticide.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle rampant, when I asked you about Punjabi micro-tigers you > denounced me as a "befuddled gin-soaked charlatan".  However I myself > had received several questions about Punjabi micro-tigers and asked > you about them to gather information for my replies.  Needless to say, > your response was not very helpful.  Fortunately my subsequent > research uncovered a dissertation by R.M. Bynam entitled "Punjabi > Micro-Tigers: History and Function", which in turn cited many other > works devoted to the subject.  This research enabled me to formulate a > coherent reply to the questions, no thanks to you. > > In short, I respectfully submit that I am not a gin-soaked charlatan, > and suggest that if you have anything to contribute to the existing > literature concerning Punjabi micro-tigers, please do so.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah!  How I long for the distant lands of Punjabi, few know that I used } to roam this Indian subcontinent in my youth!  Everyone knows that } Punjabi micro-tigers exist entirely within the minds of the } spiritualy-inclined.  But while this fun and phantasmical beast is caged } within metaphysical realms, it exists luridly in the fears of every } pre-adolescent inhabitant of this Indian subcontinent.  Because of its } mythical existence, it also has a mythical method of capture.  A Punjabi } micro-tiger may be captured by wreathing a lasso of juniper branchlets } using the berries as lure and singing several folk songs in Panjabi. } } As you well know, India was once under the far-reaching fingers of the } British Empire.  One of Britain's most famous exports at the height of } its glory was gin, most famously Beefeater labeled accordingly with the } image of a guard of Buckingham in full military dress.  This gin was } distilled from the Juniper berries imported from Punjabi.  The Punjabi, } resentful of the occupation and governing of their homeland by } imperialists, wished this beast upon whoever would consume the } end-product of their soil. } } Analogously, the United States has it's version of the Punjabi } micro-tiger most commonly referred to as a `Pink Elephant'.  Whether the } myth carries the stigmatism of alcoholism or not is unclear within the } northwestern parts of India, but in most Western cultures it is seen as } such.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I not doing my work ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know either (yet).  Let's take a look inside your mind and see } } # rlogin shmoe_brain@net.user.questioner.wuss } } Login: operator } Password: (the Oracle found this password on the local pirate bulletin } board) } } WetUnix v.42.33e (collegiate version) } } WU46321: System warning: renegade job interfering with normal processing } } # ps } }  12:34pm  up 23 years, 167 days, load average: 0.11, 0.02, 0.01 } Process        CPU time idle  JCPU   %CPU  what } id             10034733         23  0.5%   i think, therefore i am } ego            10034732         82  0.5%   i am, therefore i think } lust_deamon      538387         19   98%   thinksex -r thinksex -r [...] } productive_work  122003         27    1%   boring } infantile_wants  538387 20yrs   36  <exiting> } i_want_mommy      82279         18  <no resources, suspended> } } # exit } } There's the answer -- you're spending all your time thinking about sex. } } You owe the Oracle a cold shower and a postcard to Mom.