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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle (and all that jazz) ... > > Why do woodchuks chuck wood in the first place? > I mean, what's their motivation ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Ah!  To know the motivational drives of the lowly Woodchuck one } must become as one with himself and all of lifes varied existances.  If } that is not possible then one must ask the Oracle.  Have you tried the } first suggestion?  Do you know the limit of your true self, the odor } that eminates from your naval?  The mucus that descends from your sinus } taking most of your brain capacity with it only to be recycled again and } again because you do not understand basic hygiene.  Do you not } understand that by your very existance you exude gasses that contribute } to global warming. }         Small brained drooling cretin.  You live sucking in air and } water that neither refreshes or purifys your soul, fouling the world I } am forced to share with you, and now you want me to answer a mystery } that is found only by existing as you will never even be capable of } existing!  Yet I bound as I am by code of Oraclating must answer your } sniveling request in a placid and proper manner that will not offend } you, ( as though a pneumocranium of your caliber could be offended), and } in as basic a manner as possible so you understand, (as if that were } possible). } }         WHY DO WOODCHUCKS CHUCK?  They don't, they Neil and Bob.  A fine } bit of subtle humor that, and i bet it went right over that pillow } weight on the top of your neck.  Their motivation is vaporous, having to } do with their diet.  But; It closly resembles the motivations you feel } prior to guzzleing cheap suds and belching the Star Spangled Banner off } key. } }         Go now, redeamed and enlightened by this wisdom and come to } terms with that waste you call an existance.  Learn by what you have } found here and send me a list of the spelling errors if you even noticed } them. }         You owe the Oracle a baudy babe and a case of Bud.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't ever any of my questions get posted to Rec.humor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, actually they do. Take this one, for example. } } You owe the Oracle 200 swedish crowns.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people put quotes in their .signature files? > > == > "Ooh wah, ooh wah, ooo,ooo,oooh wah, >  why do fools fall in love?" - Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A traditional function of the .sig is to propigate some wise and witty } epigram, which will bring a smile to the faces of readers and at the } same time enlighten them.  They are generally quotations because most } people cannot write a sufficiently incisive pearl of wisdom } themselves, so they borrow one. } } *********************************************************************** }  !! YO !! FUNK TO HEAVEN IN '77 !! YO !! FUNK TO HEAVEN IN '77 !! YO !! } *********************************************************************** } } "Doo doo doot-doo doot-doo doo-doot-doot-doot doo,    FUNKADELIC-- }  doo doo doot-doo doot-doo doo-doot-doot-doot doo!"   "Hit It & Quit It" } } *********************************************************************** }  !! YO !! FUNK TO HEAVEN IN '77 !! YO !! FUNK TO HEAVEN IN '77 !! YO !! } ***********************************************************************

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Which came first, } The chicken or the egg? } This question of } The Oracle you beg. } } Which came last, } The egg or the chicken? } This question's asked. } The plot thus thickens. } } Why you even care? } That should be asked. } In your question } The egg came last. } } You owe the Oracle } A ball of cholesterol. } Wrapped up in a shell, } And tasting like ethanol.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, outrageous Oracle of overused, ovulating octogenarians.  You yoke of > the Great Yachtsman's yearling.  Whilst speelunking through my > grandpappy's Desoto I happened upon the following scripture engraved in > the hardened remains of a Piggly Wiggly lunch counter milkshake: > > Madam, I'm Adam. > "Naomi, sex at noon taxes!", I moan. > Lewd I did live and evil did I dwel. > Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts... > No pinot noir on orion to nip on > step on no pets > > Can you possibly not refuse to don't forget to tell me the meaning of > this? > > El Caro

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the surface it would seem that you have a palindrome fetish. } } Miss Manners would slap your wrist given the chance for asking } such an irrelevant question. However she will present some palindromes } for your pleasure. Please note that if you rot13 these palindromes } they will still be palindromes, only in reverse. } } You are a aerau oy. } Denise sits happily on no ylip pahst ises I Ned. } Anna I an na. } Amy I am maiy ma. } Georgegroeg. } Abba. } } However, Miss Manners knows you really meant to ask "Who will win } the World Series?" } } Using the Environmentalist Wacko system, Miss Manners would prefer } that the Orioles win the Series, since Orioles are innocent little } creatures which are being killed off due to the deterioration of } the Brazilian rain forests and the fast-enlarging hole in the ozone } layer combined with global warming that is evidenced by a downward } trend in global average temperatures which can only rebound to new } highs as the price of oil continues to shoot up. However Miss Manners } realizes that the Orioles are not playing in the Series this year, } so of the remaining choices she has to choose the A's, since } Cincinnati is a dirty industrial town and there is a General Electric } plant there which produces jet engines - noisy, polluting, and } unsafe.   Additionally Oakland is closer to San Francisco. } } From a purely grammatical standpoint, neither the A's or the Reds have } a leg to stand on. Miss Manners still must choose the A's since } if one were to consider an individual A he would be a palindrome. } } You owe the Oracle $400 plus three phone books (the money to pay } for Miss Manners' guest appearance; the phone books for her to } sit on at the Oracle's dinner table).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Interpretive Oracle, here is my dream: > > I was in a child's playroom from the Victorian era, in one corner of > which was large beautiful doll house that looked like the Kremlin. > Suddenly I heard a clinking sound, and on one shelf there was a > wind-up chimp playing the cymbals.  The chimp was about to speak, but > the floor boards began to shift under me, and I was falling, then I > woke up in a field of clover.  I asked aloud, "Where have the Polish > lancers gone?"  I was very confused by this question, and entered a > windmill.  The cone-shaped top floor of the windmill smelled strongly > of dusty wood, and its walls were covered with small black-and-white > photos, and I thought "Amazing--no thumbtacks."  A Japanenese man in > orange robes gave me a postcard, which said: > >       I wish I were a Gumbi doll >       dancing in a Gumbi dream >       stalking Poky. > > The song "Blue Moon of Kentucky" began playing, and then I was in a > helicopter flying around a huge TV, and then there appeared on the > screen a a giant close-up of the toy chimp's face.  It looked like > Roddy McDowell in "Planet of the Apes" only its eyes were red lights, > and it said, "The chapels of Bassa are a fallow field tonight, the > clover has made it; they are red, my heart is full."  I woke up, and > my first thought was "I wanted to watch TV some more." > > Then I wrote the dream down.  What does it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Golly I havn't been able to get any Orange Sunshine in ages } who is your source? }       Of course the first part of your dream is all Freudian and } refers to your childhood fears of the kremlin monkey laughing at your } inability to get an erection. The green fields of summer are soft } but it is in a dusty old house where you finally achieve puberty. You } did it without assistance, (no thumb tacks), by using zen. }       I'm sorry but this is not a media event reguardless of what } your ego tells you. Blue Moon of Kentucky is a nice theme but I like } something with a bit more rhythm, maybe some Genesis or M.C. Hammer. }       You want to roll in the clover but your girlfriend is always } on the rag when you try, hence the reference to red clover. This } could also be catsup if you are not sincere. Keep your emotions under } control, (my heart is full), watching T.V. is a good way to do this. }       I would have to say you are probably a Libertarian with } Republican leanings. Get out of politics and stick to selling shoes. } This will stop these dreams. } }       You owe the Oracle 300 tabs of celestial peace. } } PS. Who's pictures were on the wall in the house? This will tell you if } you are gay or not.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, infinitely witty and not-at-all-smelly Oracle, whose Navigator Watch > I am not even worthy to behold, please answer my question: > > Will blackbirds fly hither? > Will stormwind blow cold? > Will my Levi's wither > and crumble to mold? > > Will persons anonymous > sew patches on them? > Will they play Hieronymous > Bosch on FM? > > Will raven and whippoorwill > croak with the toad? > Will this make me feel as ill > as do Depeche Mode?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Moldy Levis Blues } }       by Oracle M. Omniscient } } Once upon a midnight dreary } While I programmed, eyes a-bleary } There came a beeeeeping beeeping from within my workstation's core } What program could be crashing } What subroutine a-thrashing } That would cause this cursed beeping from within my Sun 4's core? } } I was walking through the woods one night } Thinking of the future of my wet blue jeans } I sat on a rock in a wet stream bed } I heard the croaking of a far off Quayle } The railing and the quailing } The braying and the praying } The hawking and the squawking of a faraway Quayle. } } Higgledy Piggledy } Hieronymous Bosch } Didn't use Desenex } On his blue jeans } } Foobarily Mungily } Depeche Modality } Patched up the Levis } with recycled seams. } } You owe the Oracle a creative writing class.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty oracle inform the ignorant, and I will be eternally > grateful. >    Who is the greatest pro football player of all times, what team(s) > did he play for, and what made him the greatest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               -------------------------------- }               HALL OF FAME, FOOTBALL, ARCHIVES }               -------------------------------- }       Query: Who was/is the greatest football player of all time? } }       Parameters:  Career Length }                    Iron Man Records }                    Injuries }                    Time of ball posession }                    Attitude } }       -Searching<<<< } }       -Searching<<<< } }       -Searching<<<< } }       ___One Match_ } }       <Press Return To See it, or Esc to end search>   <CR> } } }       Lucy VanPelt } } }       Career Length: 40 Years }       Iron Man Record: Missed games= 0 }       Injuries:  none }       Time of Ball possession:  Never once lost posession to Own or } opposite team. } }       Attitude:  Bitch 1st Class } }       VanPelt, Lucy..other record(s) } }       Only female ever to play in major leagues } }       Place Kick holder for Charlie "AAARRGG" aka "Flyin'  Brown } } You owe the Oracle 4 Superbowl tickets - 50 yard line.  And, one naked } cheerleader, preferably female.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oracle most wise ... > >       Why is it that in the groupings dedicated to alt.sex and > alt.sex.bondage that it is rare to find an on-topic post ? > >       If one says something about sex, one is flamed for grammer, if one > discusses grammer it is off topic....  and if one says anything sexy , > it is sexist. > > P.S.  Why must one be "Politically Correct" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Why you f**king dolt!!!!!!!!!!!!! } }       Don't you *KNOW* that "grammer"[sic] is spelled }               *G-R-A-M-M-A-R*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } }       NOW GO AWAY AND LEARN TO SPELL, YOU BLEEDING IDIOT!!!!!!!! } }       WHEN YOU CAN DO THAT, THEN COME BACK AND TRY POSTING AGAIN, AND } STAY ON THE SUBJECT NEXT FU**ING TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } }       You owe the Oracle your silence, dickhead.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the Oracle require payment if the Oracle is all-knowing, > all-seeing, all-powerful, all-sexual, all-temporal, all-encompassing, > all-absorbing, all-quantizing, all-balancing, all-bifurcating, and > all-around a pretty good party guest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle does not, per se, NEED payment.  However, the Oracle deems it } appropriate that those who ask of its services part with something that } approximates the value of the answer given.  Without a little sacrifice, } what would it mean for you to receive an answer?  If the Oracle did not } demand payment, the Oracle would be beseiged with trifling questions } that are merely a waste of the Oracle's time.  Hmmmm...come to think of } it, that is what happens anyway.  In fact, this is one of those } questions!  How dare you take up the time of the Oracle with such } nonsense!  The Oracle... } } Pardon...the Oracle sometimes gets a little carried away.  Suffice to } say that the Oracle requires payment.  The Oracle is acquainted with two } gentlemen named Vinnie and Rocko that will be glad to discuss the matter } further with you.  They may be contacted at the following electronic } address: } } {vinnie,rocko}@gotti.jersey.mob.org } } You owe the Oracle an apology and $5000 in unmarked bills to be } delivered at the parking lot of the Taco Bell across the street from the } Old Mall at 3:00 AM tomorrow.