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Internet Oracularities #208

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208, 208-01, 208-02, 208-03, 208-04, 208-05, 208-06, 208-07, 208-08, 208-09, 208-10


Usenet Oracularities #208    (9 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 22 Oct 90 22:11:46 -0500

!!! WANTED:  Initiates into the Oracular Priesthood
!!! Must have a broad sense of humor and time to read a handful of
!!! Oracularities a day to select the funniest few and mail them back.
!!! Fame, acclaim and a shot at your favorite net.sex.god/dess await!
!!! Send mail to kinzler at iuvax telling me about yourself.

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   200
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

208    9 votes 13221 43020 05400 05211 12312 22320 21231 12303 32121 01152
208   2.8 mean  2.9   2.0   2.4   2.8   3.1   2.6   3.0   3.2   2.6   3.9


208-01    (13221 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle (and all that jazz) ...
>
> Why do woodchuks chuck wood in the first place?
> I mean, what's their motivation ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Ah!  To know the motivational drives of the lowly Woodchuck one
} must become as one with himself and all of lifes varied existances.  If
} that is not possible then one must ask the Oracle.  Have you tried the
} first suggestion?  Do you know the limit of your true self, the odor
} that eminates from your naval?  The mucus that descends from your sinus
} taking most of your brain capacity with it only to be recycled again and
} again because you do not understand basic hygiene.  Do you not
} understand that by your very existance you exude gasses that contribute
} to global warming.
}         Small brained drooling cretin.  You live sucking in air and
} water that neither refreshes or purifys your soul, fouling the world I
} am forced to share with you, and now you want me to answer a mystery
} that is found only by existing as you will never even be capable of
} existing!  Yet I bound as I am by code of Oraclating must answer your
} sniveling request in a placid and proper manner that will not offend
} you, ( as though a pneumocranium of your caliber could be offended), and
} in as basic a manner as possible so you understand, (as if that were
} possible).
}
}         WHY DO WOODCHUCKS CHUCK?  They don't, they Neil and Bob.  A fine
} bit of subtle humor that, and i bet it went right over that pillow
} weight on the top of your neck.  Their motivation is vaporous, having to
} do with their diet.  But; It closly resembles the motivations you feel
} prior to guzzleing cheap suds and belching the Star Spangled Banner off
} key.
}
}         Go now, redeamed and enlightened by this wisdom and come to
} terms with that waste you call an existance.  Learn by what you have
} found here and send me a list of the spelling errors if you even noticed
} them.
}         You owe the Oracle a baudy babe and a case of Bud.


208-02    (43020 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't ever any of my questions get posted to Rec.humor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, actually they do. Take this one, for example.
}
} You owe the Oracle 200 swedish crowns.


208-03    (05400 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people put quotes in their .signature files?
>
> ==
> "Ooh wah, ooh wah, ooo,ooo,oooh wah,
>  why do fools fall in love?" - Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A traditional function of the .sig is to propigate some wise and witty
} epigram, which will bring a smile to the faces of readers and at the
} same time enlighten them.  They are generally quotations because most
} people cannot write a sufficiently incisive pearl of wisdom
} themselves, so they borrow one.
}
} ***********************************************************************
}  !! YO !! FUNK TO HEAVEN IN '77 !! YO !! FUNK TO HEAVEN IN '77 !! YO !!
} ***********************************************************************
}
} "Doo doo doot-doo doot-doo doo-doot-doot-doot doo,    FUNKADELIC--
}  doo doo doot-doo doot-doo doo-doot-doot-doot doo!"   "Hit It & Quit It"
}
} ***********************************************************************
}  !! YO !! FUNK TO HEAVEN IN '77 !! YO !! FUNK TO HEAVEN IN '77 !! YO !!
} ***********************************************************************


208-04    (05211 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Which came first,
} The chicken or the egg?
} This question of
} The Oracle you beg.
}
} Which came last,
} The egg or the chicken?
} This question's asked.
} The plot thus thickens.
}
} Why you even care?
} That should be asked.
} In your question
} The egg came last.
}
} You owe the Oracle
} A ball of cholesterol.
} Wrapped up in a shell,
} And tasting like ethanol.


208-05    (12312 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, outrageous Oracle of overused, ovulating octogenarians.  You yoke of
> the Great Yachtsman's yearling.  Whilst speelunking through my
> grandpappy's Desoto I happened upon the following scripture engraved in
> the hardened remains of a Piggly Wiggly lunch counter milkshake:
>
> Madam, I'm Adam.
> "Naomi, sex at noon taxes!", I moan.
> Lewd I did live and evil did I dwel.
> Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts...
> No pinot noir on orion to nip on
> step on no pets
>
> Can you possibly not refuse to don't forget to tell me the meaning of
> this?
>
> El Caro

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the surface it would seem that you have a palindrome fetish.
}
} Miss Manners would slap your wrist given the chance for asking
} such an irrelevant question. However she will present some palindromes
} for your pleasure. Please note that if you rot13 these palindromes
} they will still be palindromes, only in reverse.
}
} You are a aerau oy.
} Denise sits happily on no ylip pahst ises I Ned.
} Anna I an na.
} Amy I am maiy ma.
} Georgegroeg.
} Abba.
}
} However, Miss Manners knows you really meant to ask "Who will win
} the World Series?"
}
} Using the Environmentalist Wacko system, Miss Manners would prefer
} that the Orioles win the Series, since Orioles are innocent little
} creatures which are being killed off due to the deterioration of
} the Brazilian rain forests and the fast-enlarging hole in the ozone
} layer combined with global warming that is evidenced by a downward
} trend in global average temperatures which can only rebound to new
} highs as the price of oil continues to shoot up. However Miss Manners
} realizes that the Orioles are not playing in the Series this year,
} so of the remaining choices she has to choose the A's, since
} Cincinnati is a dirty industrial town and there is a General Electric
} plant there which produces jet engines - noisy, polluting, and
} unsafe.   Additionally Oakland is closer to San Francisco.
}
} From a purely grammatical standpoint, neither the A's or the Reds have
} a leg to stand on. Miss Manners still must choose the A's since
} if one were to consider an individual A he would be a palindrome.
}
} You owe the Oracle $400 plus three phone books (the money to pay
} for Miss Manners' guest appearance; the phone books for her to
} sit on at the Oracle's dinner table).


208-06    (22320 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Interpretive Oracle, here is my dream:
>
> I was in a child's playroom from the Victorian era, in one corner of
> which was large beautiful doll house that looked like the Kremlin.
> Suddenly I heard a clinking sound, and on one shelf there was a
> wind-up chimp playing the cymbals.  The chimp was about to speak, but
> the floor boards began to shift under me, and I was falling, then I
> woke up in a field of clover.  I asked aloud, "Where have the Polish
> lancers gone?"  I was very confused by this question, and entered a
> windmill.  The cone-shaped top floor of the windmill smelled strongly
> of dusty wood, and its walls were covered with small black-and-white
> photos, and I thought "Amazing--no thumbtacks."  A Japanenese man in
> orange robes gave me a postcard, which said:
>
>       I wish I were a Gumbi doll
>       dancing in a Gumbi dream
>       stalking Poky.
>
> The song "Blue Moon of Kentucky" began playing, and then I was in a
> helicopter flying around a huge TV, and then there appeared on the
> screen a a giant close-up of the toy chimp's face.  It looked like
> Roddy McDowell in "Planet of the Apes" only its eyes were red lights,
> and it said, "The chapels of Bassa are a fallow field tonight, the
> clover has made it; they are red, my heart is full."  I woke up, and
> my first thought was "I wanted to watch TV some more."
>
> Then I wrote the dream down.  What does it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Golly I havn't been able to get any Orange Sunshine in ages
} who is your source?
}       Of course the first part of your dream is all Freudian and
} refers to your childhood fears of the kremlin monkey laughing at your
} inability to get an erection. The green fields of summer are soft
} but it is in a dusty old house where you finally achieve puberty. You
} did it without assistance, (no thumb tacks), by using zen.
}       I'm sorry but this is not a media event reguardless of what
} your ego tells you. Blue Moon of Kentucky is a nice theme but I like
} something with a bit more rhythm, maybe some Genesis or M.C. Hammer.
}       You want to roll in the clover but your girlfriend is always
} on the rag when you try, hence the reference to red clover. This
} could also be catsup if you are not sincere. Keep your emotions under
} control, (my heart is full), watching T.V. is a good way to do this.
}       I would have to say you are probably a Libertarian with
} Republican leanings. Get out of politics and stick to selling shoes.
} This will stop these dreams.
}
}       You owe the Oracle 300 tabs of celestial peace.
}
} PS. Who's pictures were on the wall in the house? This will tell you if
} you are gay or not.


208-07    (21231 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, infinitely witty and not-at-all-smelly Oracle, whose Navigator Watch
> I am not even worthy to behold, please answer my question:
>
> Will blackbirds fly hither?
> Will stormwind blow cold?
> Will my Levi's wither
> and crumble to mold?
>
> Will persons anonymous
> sew patches on them?
> Will they play Hieronymous
> Bosch on FM?
>
> Will raven and whippoorwill
> croak with the toad?
> Will this make me feel as ill
> as do Depeche Mode?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Moldy Levis Blues
}
}       by Oracle M. Omniscient
}
} Once upon a midnight dreary
} While I programmed, eyes a-bleary
} There came a beeeeeping beeeping from within my workstation's core
} What program could be crashing
} What subroutine a-thrashing
} That would cause this cursed beeping from within my Sun 4's core?
}
} I was walking through the woods one night
} Thinking of the future of my wet blue jeans
} I sat on a rock in a wet stream bed
} I heard the croaking of a far off Quayle
} The railing and the quailing
} The braying and the praying
} The hawking and the squawking of a faraway Quayle.
}
} Higgledy Piggledy
} Hieronymous Bosch
} Didn't use Desenex
} On his blue jeans
}
} Foobarily Mungily
} Depeche Modality
} Patched up the Levis
} with recycled seams.
}
} You owe the Oracle a creative writing class.


208-08    (12303 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty oracle inform the ignorant, and I will be eternally
> grateful.
>    Who is the greatest pro football player of all times, what team(s)
> did he play for, and what made him the greatest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               --------------------------------
}               HALL OF FAME, FOOTBALL, ARCHIVES
}               --------------------------------
}       Query: Who was/is the greatest football player of all time?
}
}       Parameters:  Career Length
}                    Iron Man Records
}                    Injuries
}                    Time of ball posession
}                    Attitude
}
}       -Searching<<<<
}
}       -Searching<<<<
}
}       -Searching<<<<
}
}       ___One Match_
}
}       <Press Return To See it, or Esc to end search>   <CR>
}
}
}       Lucy VanPelt
}
}
}       Career Length: 40 Years
}       Iron Man Record: Missed games= 0
}       Injuries:  none
}       Time of Ball possession:  Never once lost posession to Own or
} opposite team.
}
}       Attitude:  Bitch 1st Class
}
}       VanPelt, Lucy..other record(s)
}
}       Only female ever to play in major leagues
}
}       Place Kick holder for Charlie "AAARRGG" aka "Flyin'  Brown
}
} You owe the Oracle 4 Superbowl tickets - 50 yard line.  And, one naked
} cheerleader, preferably female.


208-09    (32121 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oracle most wise ...
>
>       Why is it that in the groupings dedicated to alt.sex and
> alt.sex.bondage that it is rare to find an on-topic post ?
>
>       If one says something about sex, one is flamed for grammer, if one
> discusses grammer it is off topic....  and if one says anything sexy ,
> it is sexist.
>
> P.S.  Why must one be "Politically Correct" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Why you f**king dolt!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
}       Don't you *KNOW* that "grammer"[sic] is spelled
}               *G-R-A-M-M-A-R*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
}       NOW GO AWAY AND LEARN TO SPELL, YOU BLEEDING IDIOT!!!!!!!!
}
}       WHEN YOU CAN DO THAT, THEN COME BACK AND TRY POSTING AGAIN, AND
} STAY ON THE SUBJECT NEXT FU**ING TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
}       You owe the Oracle your silence, dickhead.


208-10    (01152 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the Oracle require payment if the Oracle is all-knowing,
> all-seeing, all-powerful, all-sexual, all-temporal, all-encompassing,
> all-absorbing, all-quantizing, all-balancing, all-bifurcating, and
> all-around a pretty good party guest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle does not, per se, NEED payment.  However, the Oracle deems it
} appropriate that those who ask of its services part with something that
} approximates the value of the answer given.  Without a little sacrifice,
} what would it mean for you to receive an answer?  If the Oracle did not
} demand payment, the Oracle would be beseiged with trifling questions
} that are merely a waste of the Oracle's time.  Hmmmm...come to think of
} it, that is what happens anyway.  In fact, this is one of those
} questions!  How dare you take up the time of the Oracle with such
} nonsense!  The Oracle...
}
} Pardon...the Oracle sometimes gets a little carried away.  Suffice to
} say that the Oracle requires payment.  The Oracle is acquainted with two
} gentlemen named Vinnie and Rocko that will be glad to discuss the matter
} further with you.  They may be contacted at the following electronic
} address:
}
} {vinnie,rocko}@gotti.jersey.mob.org
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology and $5000 in unmarked bills to be
} delivered at the parking lot of the Taco Bell across the street from the
} Old Mall at 3:00 AM tomorrow.


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