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Internet Oracularities #209

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209, 209-01, 209-02, 209-03, 209-04, 209-05, 209-06, 209-07, 209-08, 209-09, 209-10


Usenet Oracularities #209    (16 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 15:47:49 -0500

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209   16 votes 45241 05254 25531 14713 14632 01852 16531 11545 18412 11554
209   3.1 mean  2.6   3.5   2.8   3.1   3.1   3.5   2.8   3.7   2.7   3.6


209-01    (45241 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the job immediately ahead of mine in the line printer queue
> always (a) at least 4 megabytes long and (b) constructed of Ascii
> sequences that break the line printer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem lies with the relationships between magnitude of computer
} illiteracy (M), number of computer illiterates (CI), and print job size
} (PJS).  First, it is estimated that the average PJS of a CI is 4Mbytes,
} and the average PJS of a Non CI (NCI) is 40 Kbytes.  The ratio is shown
} below.
}
}               PJSnci    40x10^3
}               ------ =  ------- = 0.01        (1)
}               PJSci     4 x10^6
}
} PJSci is ususally attributed to printing an executable file.  This also
} explains to destructive ASCII sequence.  Similarly, using equation one
} as a base, the ratio of CI to NCI is estimated to be
}
}               CI    40x10^3
}               -- =  ------- = 0.000001 = DS    (2)
}               NCI   4 x10^9
}
} DS is known as Dumbshit's constant.  About 1 in every 1 million people
} is computer literate.  As a side note PJS is also inversely proportional
} to M^2 time DS.
}
}                       100
}               PJS = -------                   (3)
}                       (M^2)DS
}
} M is on a scale of 0 to 100 and can only be estimated since some people
} can fake it.  A rating over 50 defines a NCI.  The average of M is
} thought to be about 10.Note that as M approaches 0, PJS rapidly
} approaches infinity.  By combining Equations 1 and 2, we see that the
} probability of being placed in front of a PJSnci is about 0.000000001.
} Not very likely!


209-02    (05254 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and everlovin' Oracle answer me but one question.
> Who did  put the bump in the bumpdebumpdebump?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha!  So, you think you can stump the limitless mind of the benevolent
} Oracle with a trick questions, eh?  But you forget that with my great
} knowledge and abilities I can not only read your mind, see your dreams,
} fathom your most hidden fears - yea - even follow the firings of
} individual neurons in your simple bio-limited brain, but I can tell when
} you think you are being tricky.
}
} NO!  It was not the same person who put the "bop" in the "bop-shoo-bop".
} NAY!  `Twas not even the one who put the "ram" in the "ram-a lam-a
}   ding-dong".
} NYET! It was not the one who put the dishcloth in Mrs. Murphy's chowder.
} NEIN! Nor was it the one who put this town on the map.
} UH, UH!  It ain't the one who put "Three's Company" on T.V.
} NEGATIVE!  Not the one who put chocolate in my peanut butter.
} FORGET IT!  It was not the Oracle who must put up with such silly
}   questions.
}
} Actually, it was Betty Crocker.  The recipe she wrote was as follows:
}
}                       Glazed Bumpdebumpdebump le Orange
}                       ---------------------------------
} Ingredients:
}    3 bumps, no larger than a standard Bell(tm) Telephone, and must be
}      firm
}    Juice of 5 oranges, medium sized
}    1 cup Karo syrup
}    1 wilted orchid, chopped
}    Pinch of salt
}    1 tsp. sand
}    3 albums by Boston, grated
}
} Directions:
}    Combine and thouroughly mix dry ingredients.  Stir into Karo syrup
}    and orange juice.
}    Pour over bumps until thouroughly disgusted.
}    Cook for 3 hours at 15 feet with Ki-138 flamethrower until
}      unrecognizeable.
}    Pack into Level 4 Bio-hazard rated box.
}    Mail to a loved one in another state.
}    Order out for pizza.
}
} Well, obviously that third bump is the mistake.  It really should have
} been Dan Quayle, but Ms.  Crocker thought that a bump was an appropriate
} substitution.
}
} This has since been immortalized by Dr.  Suess in one of his lesser
} known books, "The Star-Bellied Sneetch in Central Park After Dark":
}
}      Sitting like a lump eating Bumdebumpdepump.
}      Waiting for a clump of hair from the head of Ivana Trump.
}      With me is Sam I Am, who is eating green eggs and ham,
}      And licking a jagged can of gangly glug-bug infested Spam.
}
}      It's boring, I'm snoring, and I'd rather be scoring,
}      But I'm waiting for the door-ring, staring at the flooring.
}      So I sit and ha-rump, like a frumpy old chump
}      For a hairy Trump clump while eating Bumpdebumpdebump.
}
} You owe the Oracle your recipe for everlovin' forever.


209-03    (25531 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why has the oracle no questions to ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because not enough people are sending in questions to be asked.  Also,
} because in West Lafayette, Indiana, a M.  S.  student is requesting
} questions every five minutes, all day and all night, and answering them
} all.  His name is <omitted ofr legal reasons>, he's a grad.  student in
} the Dept.  of <also omitted for legal reasons>, and he is convinced that
} he is the only True Incarnation of the Oracle.  So seek him out and put
} him out of action.  You should be able to locate him by smell alone --
} he hasn't washed more than his hands in the past three months -- so that
} the above bits of omitted information should hardly be necessary.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Punjabi micro-tiger, medium well.


209-04    (14713 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a problem with my brain.  It tends to leave my body and
> wonder about.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Anyhow, the Oracle has the same problem.  Its brain (at least the brain
} of this incarnation) tends to wander about as well.  And it's got this
} nasty habit of body-snatching.  It keeps sneaking up behind innocent
} people, leaping at their heads, evicting their proper brains, and taking
} up residence in their skulls for a while.  Very nasty of it; it results
} in a lot of innocent people not being themselves.  Just yesterday it got
} into the head of a professor of political science, one known for his
} Marxist views, and proceeded to make a fool of him in the lecture hall.
} Last week it got into the head of the Homecoming Queen, and...well, her
} performance during the parade will be remembered fondly by many of the
} alumni, although it did short out a few pacemakers...but the Oracle
} digresses.
}
} However, your brain doesn't seem to be in the habit of body-snatching.
} Maybe you would enjoy life more if it were.  If you want to cultivate
} this talent, start out with persons of feeble mind, like university
} administrators and deans of colleges.  From there you can move up to
} tired-out graduate students, whose brains have grown too feeble to put
} up much of a fight, and dumb-broad coeds (although many of their brains
} are quite vigorous and will put up a big struggle).
}
} If body-snatching isn't quite your bag, you might want to keep your
} brain trapped in your skull.  Try a bicycle helmet with a good, stout
} set of straps.  This should keep the pesky bugger inside your body,
} although some brains, treated such, learn to change shape and ooze out
} through the nostrils or mouth, resuming their proper form once they
} escape.  A steady low level of blood/cerebrospinal-fluid alcohol should
} prevent this.  In other words, you should go around slightly drunk all
} the time, with a bicycle helmet strapped firmly to your head.
}
} Hope this helps.


209-05    (14632 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want one of the new NeXTStation computers, but the school's computer
> store is being slow about getting them and won't give any information.
> Is it their fault, or NeXT's, or Motorola's for delaying the 68040?
>
> Also, is there software that lets the NeXT synthesize the voice of a
> really sexy woman?  If I can't have the real thing, I might as well have
> my computer talk dirty to me...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well... err...
}
} To be honest with you (and I always am, yes yes!), it's
} not Motorola's fault. Nor NeXT, nor your computer store.
} I've been buying every single one the moment they get
} put in their boxes.
}
} See, I was playing with piping the sound files through
} various filters before sending them to the speaker, and
} I found a couple text filters written in lex which when
} human speech *sound* data is run though them, out comes
} some famous sexy female's voice.  The C pretty-printing
} filter makes it sound like Christie Brinkley, the auto-
} spell-corrector filter sounds like Kathleen Turner, and
} valspeak sounds like Susan Lucci.  (Oddly enough, sound
} run through our banner filter sounds like Divine.)
}
} Well, you've probably heard about lex--it's very slow.
} And these sound files are humongous.  So I just don't
} get enough processing power out of these older NeXTs
} that I have.  Believe you me, it's definitely worth
} the outlay just to hear these lovely voices saying
} the exact words of my choice.  And you'd probably
} get a bang out of the sounds I use for Xbiff! So
} the answer to the first question is "Mine", and
} the answer to the second is "Yes."  Hang on...
} Well, I can tell by Raquel Welch's "Oh faster
} Oracle!" that another question is in need of
} attention.  I think I shall not be needing
} any more NeXTs though, so the supply will
} return to normal as soon as I tell them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a committment to get a real life, instead of
} pestering him (and the computer store) with your silly "problems."
}
} Now, what was that sed script that sounded like Ricardo Montalban?
} "Corinthian Leather" gives me such goosebumps...
}
} Hey! Piss off! Go away.


209-06    (01852 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come most women have such ugly voices?  They screech rather than
> talk -- even the really pretty ones.  And lots have these fake, put-on
> breathless voices that sound both stupid and strained -- no resonance,
> flawed vocal production, extreme ugliness.  When will women learn to
> talk properly?  A few actresses and singers I know can produce decent,
> attractive tones, but they're rarities; also, most singers don't seem to
> have much upstairs but resonating-cavities.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle does not agree with your judgment that most women have
} screechy voices.  In fact, the Oracle has generally found women's voices
} to be quite soothing, or even a turn-on.  There are exceptions to this
} rule, but in general the Oracle has been pleased by the sound of most
} female voices.  If you had been to the Oracle's party last weekend,
} well, I think you would know what the Oracle means.
}
} Back to the subject...below is a graph, comparing the various levels of
} screechiness of various sounds.  Compare these levels to the level of
} the average human female.  There is, frankly, no comparison:
}
}  100                          __     1: Average human female voice.
}    .              __          @@
} S  .              @@          @@     2: Call of the screech owl.
} cL .              @@    __    @@
} re .              @@    @@    @@     3: Fingernails on a chalkboard.
} ev50        __    @@    @@    @@
} ee .        @@    @@    @@    @@     4: Brakes of a car just before an
} cl .        @@    @@    @@    @@        accident.
} h  .  __    @@    @@    @@    @@     5: 2-year-old child having a
}    .  @@    @@    @@    @@    @@        temper tantrum.
}    0-------------------------------
}        1     2     3     4     5
}
} These figures come from Freed and Kroeger's landmark 1954 study,
} "Screechiness of the human female," Journal of Ululation, v.4, pp.
} 154-173.
}
} Perhaps you are hypersensitive to the somewhat higher pitch typical of
} most female voices.  This is often the result of a build-up of excess
} male hormones in the blood.  To be blunt, perhaps you just aren't
} "getting it" enough.  I would suggest attending one of the annual orgies
} held by the Galactic Association of Omniscient Beings.  Why last year,
} Aphrodite started to...well, enough of that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete set of Madonna albums and a videotape of
} Rosanne Barr singing the "Star-Spangled Banner."


209-07    (16531 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend's been replaced with another woman who's impersonating
> her.  I have no idea why.  I like the impersonator better -- she's
> livelier, wittier, and better company -- but I'm worried that something
> terrible has happened to the original one.  What do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  This reminds the oracle of an episode of "Twilight Zone (TM)" that
} it saw, in which lots of bodies were stored in the basement of this huge
} house, and there was this huge spider and all these pulsing blobs like
} in Aliens.  (It's funny the things you remember, isn't it?) Anyway the
} oracle suggests that you lay traps for the new girlfriend by testing
} her.  (I.e.  Saying:  "Remember that day we made love in the elevator of
} Maceys when we first met.  Oh - that's right, that wasn't you, that was
} my bit on the side" If she was your real girlfriend, she will douse you
} liberally in a spirit based aftershave lotion and apply the basic
} principles of combustion to appease her vengeance streak.  If, however,
} it is a replacement she might say, "Oh was it, wish I'd been there...")
}
}       As for the implied question of what you should do about your
} original girlfriend, she's probably wrapped in one of those pulsing
} blobs in the base- ment on Twilight Zone, far beyond your reach.  You
} now owe the Oracle-S a peice of coal and a Spelunker Weekly


209-08    (11545 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> .
> ^D^D^C^]^C^C
> O great one, how do I get out of mail in VMS?
> .
> ^C^C^C^C

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy!  Simplicity itself!  One moment, please...
}
} oraclevax %> su root
} Password:
} BABY!!!  TALK TO ME!!!
} oraclevax #> lightningstrike some.dweebs.machine.com
} LIGHTNINGSTRIKE some.dweebs.machine.com (XXX.XXX.XX.X)
} ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=0
} ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=1
} ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=2
} ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=3
} ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=4
} ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=5
} ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=6
} ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=7
} ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=8
} ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=9
}
} ----some.dweebs.machine.com LIGHTNINGSTRIKE Statistics----
} 10 ZOTS transmitted, 10 ZOTS received, 0% ZOT loss
} oraclevax #> exit
} oraclevax %>
}
} There we go.  Easy as pie.  Anything else you need?
}
} Hello?
}
} Hello?
}
} Hellll-llllooo-ooo?
}
} You owe the Oracle a surge protector.


209-09    (18412 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why, oh why, do women's privates make such godawful noises after
> doggie-style sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is quite simple on the evolutionary scale.  The doggies
} perfected positions and styles of sex in the ancient times.  They
} experimented and developed, until achieving the ultimate.  Since they
} fulfulled their carnal needs the the pinnacle of satisfaction, they
} guarded their secret jealously.  Man (and Woman) spent many a day
} observing the activities of the doggies, seeking their complete inner
} satisfaction.  However, true to their intents, the doggies performed
} their deeds hidden.  Finally, with the invention of the still camera and
} flashpaper, modern man followed the doggies into the deep recesses of
} the darkest places in search of the secret to doggies' inner state.  The
} doggies were defeated, yet did not give up.  They could not bear to
} remain at such levels of inner completeness while other beings knew
} their secret.  Thus forced to divulge their secrets and face the
} embarrasment of being photographed in the act, the doggies cursed man to
} fail in his attempt in seeking this deep and serene inner pacifity
} brought about by the completion of sex in the perfect position.  Doggies
} sacrificed their inner peace and knowledge for the imperfection of man
} and woman's lovemaking, and placed their mark audibly, causing women's
} privates to make godawful noises after doggie- style sex.
}
} You owe the Oracle embarassing photos of dogs demonstrating this long
} lost art.


209-10    (11554 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the exact contents of the 5 layer caserole that the student
> union serves on monday nights?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 5-Layer casserole in question conforms to the International
} Standards Organization recommendation for student casseroles (C.843
} bis).  Uniform casserole preparation throughout the world is just
} another step towards international culinary cooperation, and it's good
} to see that you young radishes are public-spirited enough to heed the
} international standards when it's chow time on Monday night.
}
} In case you don't have access to the Proceedings of the Subcommittee on
} Pies, Pastas, Non-fattening Beverages, Casseroles and Cheese
} By-Products, issue 473 (Upper Sandusky, Ohio, 1989), pages 32-344, the
} Oracle is happy to excerpt the portions of the Subcommittee's
} recommended recipes that will answer your question:
}
} 5-LAYER STUDENT CASSEROLE
}
} Layer 1 -- The Physical Layer
}
}    Tomato sauce, mud, romano cheese, grated goat extract, iguana
} eyeballs, moose turd, carraway seeds.
}
} Layer 2 -- The Digestion Link Layer
}
}    Hydrochloric acid, nasal mucous, phlegm, bile, ground kidney, diced
} liver, E.  coli bacteria.
}
} Layer 3 -- The Enzymatic Layer
}
}    Huge chunks of rotten horsemeat, carrots, onions, garlic, beets.
}
} Layer 4 -- The Mastication Layer
}
}    Brussels sprouts, more rotten horsemeat, Hamburger Helper, orange
} juice.
}
} Layer 5 -- The Mezzanine Layer
}
}    Peanut butter, barley malt, oat bran, cow's brains, nutmeg, basil.
}
} The Committee's recipes, of course, cover the entire seven-layer ISO
} model, with the five layer casserole as a suboption for interim
} implementation.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle an antacid tablet and a copy of the Proceedings of
} the Subcommittee on After-Dinner Mints and Tablecloths.


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