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Internet Oracularities #21

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Usenet Oracularities #21
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 18 Oct 89 00:20:06 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


21-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many pieces would an IBM AT workstation break into if thrown out of
> a fifth story window?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After having thrown 100 IBM AT workstations out the the window, here
} are my results:
}
} 49 vaporized opon impact, which is good because you can recycle the
}    silicon, which is the most valuable item in the machine.
} 32 dropped onto some Mac's that people upstairs were throwing out the
}    window.
} 18 broke into 3 or more pieces.
}  1 hit the designer of the braindead chip the thing runs on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1001 virgins and the book '1001 Kinky Sexual
} Positions' by Tammy Baker.


21-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What are the three most important rules to live your life by?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The three most important rules to live my life by are as follows:
}
}       1.  Give people wise and witty answers, even if they
}               happen to be completely fallacious, salacious,
}               mendacious, or even occasionally veracious.
}
}       2.  Don't piss off the Amalgamated Union of Prophets, Seers,
}               and Oracles.  This means no telling about the future,
}               except in broad generalities, and being careful even
}               then.
}
}       3.  Don't drink all that root beer at once.
}
} Wait, did you mean the three most important rules for HUMANS, generally,
} to live their lives by?  That's different!...  In that case the Oracle
} yields to established wisdom:
}       If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
}       And if I am only for myself, what am I?
}       And if not now, when?


21-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There is a saying:   To err is Human
>                      To Really foul things up
>                      Requires a computer
>
> Is this true, If so, what things have you fouled up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Parding your beggon, dy mear,
} I must repeat you to beg that question,
} If my /usr/adm/messages was near,
} a fist'o'loul-ups would have flooded your station!


21-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do they call it catsup if there aren't any cats in it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish mortal!  Know you not the history of catsup?
}
} Listen and learn!!!
}
} Long ago, in deepest, darkest Italy, Luigi was in his tomato garden.
} He found his cat out there, chasing mice in his tomato garden.
}
} "Whassa matta you, you stupid cat?"  cried Luigi, who then tossed
} his cat out of the garden.  Day after day, he would toss the cat
} out of his garden, and day after day, his cat got angrier and angrier.
}
} One day, Luigi was walking toward his house and was surprised as a
} tomato hit him *splat* in the face.  His cat, smirking cattishly,
} was on the roof with a number of tomatoes, which he used to pelt
} Luigi.  Repeatedly.
}
} From that day on, Luigi had to be on the watch for his cat, for if he
} failed to notice the cat on the roof, he'd get splattered with the
} tomatoes.  So he had his son shout "Hey, papa, looka uppa, the cat's
} up!" in warning whenever he saw the cat ahead of time.
}
} Luigi's wife, however, noted the tasty qualities of the pulpy remains of
} the tomatoes, and began putting a similar substance on the family's
} hamburgers.  Since the son's call shortened to 'Cat's Up' later, the
} tomato mush also became called 'Catsup'.
}
} Ask a silly question...
}
} You owe the Oracle ten White Castles smothered in orange peels.


21-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will I get on my final exam in EE3601?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Blood.  As you wail and gnash your teeth in the depths of dispair, you
}   will invariably bite your lips and tongue and bleed all over.
} Sweat.  You complete inability to recall facts even remotely related to
}   any of the questions on the exam will cause you to sweat profusely.
}   This will begin with the question "Name:_________________________".
} Tears.  As your carry your exam up to turn in, blubbering like a baby
}   in your shame and misery, your tears will soak the paper, completely
}   obliterating any traces of the meaningless scrawls that you had hoped
}   would be interpreted as correct answers.
}
} This is what you will get on your exam.
}
} The Oracle requires a sacrifice of 963 brain cells.  Completely pollute
} your body will alcohol and/or other toxic chemical substances after the
} exam for a period of not less than 24hrs.


21-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever find a great woman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you can get in touch with me, if you like !  My name is Tanya, I'm
} blonde, 20 years old, into sexual adventures of every kind, and I'd
} *really* like to meet you !  Phone me at the following nu
} Segmentation violation - core dumped.


21-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will David Letterman ever marry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually David Letterman IS married, however he keeps this
} a secret. He is married to Paul Schaffer ( Pauline Letterman
} in real life ). Pauline just wears a skinhead wig on stage.
} Ever notice the knowing looks the two sometimes exchange on stage?


21-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just WHO is that short guy always behind George Bush at public
> appearances?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is accessing.....
}
} FORM DD-230343/22 GOVERNMENTAL EMPLOYEE PROFILE 17 OCT 1989 17.37.09 EST
} *CLASSIFIED INFORMATION* -- USE PURSUANT TO INSTRUCTIONS SEC 1.1.3.4-42b
}
} VILLECHEZE, HERNANDO R.                               SSN    090-87-5734
} MALE HISPANIC                                         DOB    29 FEB 1949
} H 3'11" W 120 H BR E BR                               BPL  PELAQUAME, MX
} NEXT OF KIN:  HERVE VILLECHEZE, BROTHER, FANTASY ISLAND
}
} DISTINGUISHING FEATURES:  SHORT, VERY SHORT
} PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE:  ANNOYING, VERY ANNOYING
}
} POSITION: PRESIDENTIAL AIDE  LEVEL: GS-12  DOH: 11 NOV 88  S: 1  SC: TOP
}
} DESCRIPTION OF DUTIES:
}   ANNOUNCE ARRIVAL OF AIR-FORCE-ONE/TWO (CODE:  LE PLANE LE PLANE)
}   CHECK ZIPPER OF PRESIDENTAL PANTS BEFORE ANY/ALL PUBLIC APPEARANCES
}   WEAR JESTER OUTFIT AND ENTERTAIN AT FIRST LADY'S TEA PARTIES
}   KEY PARTICIPANT IN ANNUAL PRESIDENT'S INVITATIONAL DWARF TOSS
}   PLAY CHUTES AND LADDERS WITH DANNY
}   FOOT REST / DOOR STOP / KICK BALL
} [EOF]
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of a Commie in a styrofoam box.
} The Oracle has spoken.


21-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I had once been twice as old as people twice as wise as I,
> why would all my teeth be gold, and tufted pigs live in the sky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you were once twice as old,
}   As people twice as wise as you,
} Then you are aged because I'm told,
}   A child's wisdom is all that's true.
}
} Ga-ga-goo-goo.


21-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the pivot point is more than 30 degrees to the left of her
} tonsil.


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