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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle!  How did you come by the root password for > the computer in heaven?  I am curious for "professional" reasons.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah!  I knew that security would backtrack even a claim by me.  Well, if } you must know... } } When I interviewed with Gabriel for thta saint job I saw the list of } passwords taped to his desk drawer.  The list included the root password } for "gatekeeper" and "master-db". } } Several other hosts were mentioned on the list that I'm sure Gabriel } shouldn't have access to.  I use these hosts and passwords to make sure } I have good connections in hell too.  I don't know what such a holy } person is doing with the root passwords to "lava-valve-7" and } "satans-mac". } } Do what you like.  I just changed the root password for your brain... } just try to retain control of your life! } } You owe the oracle the root passwords to three machines.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I threw this into the fifth-dimensional chaos matrix and it came back } with the customary Zen-like answer of "Mu", but I suppose you've heard } that before. } } Taking the inverse of the aforementioned chaos matrix (using a pair of } mirrors) gave me "uW", or one microwatt. } } The reasoning is simple.  "u" is the greek letter "mu", which rather } makes sense (see the traditional answer).  And "WATT?  Dey asked me da } null question again?" was my initial response before grinding out the } customary solution. } } The only complaint you could possibly have is that you can't take the } inverse of a zero matrix in the first place.  The problem is that while } transforming your null question into matrix form, I used up my last } zero, and all I had lying around were some unbroken bars from an I Ching } hexagram I threw at a party last weekend.  Sorry for the inconvenience.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my life recursive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your life could be recursive only if }  your life could be recursive only if }   your life could be recursive only if }    your life could be recursive only if }     your life could be recursive only if }      your life could be recursive only if }       your life could be recursive only if }        your life could be recursive only if }         your life could be recursive only if }          your life could be recursive only if }           your life could be recursive only if }            your life could be recursive only if }             your life could be recursive only if }              your life could be recursive only if }               your life could be recursive only if }                your life could be recursive only if }                 your life could be recursive only if }                  your life could be recursive only if }                   your life could be recursive only if }                    your life could be recursive only if }                     your life could be recursive only if } <several million lines omitted> } } STACK OVERFLOW

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sometimes I think that I'm the self of a slug trapped in the body of a > human being.  Am I really?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many people throughout history have felt they were slugs, including } Napoleon, St.  Francis of Assisi, Wilt Chamberlain, and David Bowie. } However, you may notice that all of these people managed to lead normal, } productive, happy lives, and there is no reason you cannot either. } } As to if you really are a slug deep down inside, ask yourself these } following questions: } }       o  Do you run away when someone is using a salt shaker? }       o  Do you feel the urge to leave a trail of slime behind you when }          you walk? }       o  Do you wish your eyes were on stalks? }       o  Do you think it is a complement when someone calls you cold and }          clammy? } } If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you probably are } a slug deep down inside, a result of a freak mishap of nature when God } lets one of the minor Angels who really haven't learned the reins of } Creation fully have a crack at creating slugs and people.  You see, part } of the problem is that slugs and humans are made on the same celestial } assembly line, so it's really easy to mess up, especially if you haven't } done it very often. } } So, just switch to a low sodium diet, and try and join a slug support } group near you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, ye of wisdom, honour, and all that jazz, forsooth and forseeth > to something or other, reply to this inevitable question.  If a man, > covered with honey, were to roll in an anthill, is it further to San > Diego or by bus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oooh!  Gibberish!  The Oracle loves gibberish!  The Oracle will reply in } gibberish, too! } } Here y'go: }       No, because Cleanth Brooks stuck his mistress up his left nostril, } and besides you've gotten the Oracle pregnant with his first child of a } lesser goddam pinko communist atheist mangel-wurzel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think she'll make a better curry than she does a girlfriend? > The meat is supposed to taste like mutton.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you are even thinking about asking this question, then she is no } good as a girlfriend and it is time to think about protein content. } Use a slow, moist (sort of sounds like what you do with a girlfiend, } doesn't it?) cooking method, use a lot of tenderizers, and serve } with mint jelly. } } In brief, the answer to your question is, "Yes."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose intelligence is quite unintelligible, > > Recently I was signing the contract for a reception I was holding > in a large banquet hall. I noticed however, that one of the words > in fine print was that the managers of the hall would not be held > reponsible in the event of flood, hurricane, tornado, earthquake, > or WAR!! Can you believe it? The United States, making some sort > of police-action-war-thingo in Saudi Arabia and probably dozens > of other places, could easily upset my entire ladies' function!! > > What shall I do if war does break out and they threaten to cancel??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you're really stuck with it if the management decides to cancel. } Next time, be more careful what you sign.  At this point, you really } have only two courses of action: } } 1) Explain to them that you're no more responsible for what happens in a }    event of war than they are. All *kinds* of things happen in wars, }    especially to people with bad attitudes. It'd be a shame if their }    banquet hall were hit by a shell, or blown up by some kind of swarthy }    foreign terrorist. You think that'd be a shame, and so does Vito, }    here... } } 2) Take the high road. No goddamn war is going to ruin your party, but }    the party just might ruin their war. Rent a troop carrier, and outfit }    your guests appropriately (look in any good book of etiquette for }    details). Set out for the theater of operations. Let's see how these }    testosterone-crazed neanderthals handle a few open-faced sandwiches }    down their howitzers. Remember, you have a holy mission. The Oracle }    has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can computers think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Yes, it is unfortunate that along with Artificial Intelligence came } Artificial Sincerity. They say nice things about you when you're around } but don't really mean it. They PROMISE to backup their files but they } never do and every numerical analysis you get from them is rounded to } the point of being totally apocryphal. } }  In short, now that the little weasels can think, they believe their } true calling in life is to make you look stupid. So far, I might add } they are doing a swimming job of it. } }  You owe the oracle a complete NP-complete graph.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does pancake syrup taste better when it is put through an eleventh-order > Butterworth filter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually the Butterworth process does a variety of things to make Mrs. } Butterworth's taste better.  The filtering process itself does not. } The filtering process makes sure that mouse crap, rodent hairs, and } cockroach parts are included in the final product. } } Now the leavening process, that makes it taste better. } } You owe the oracle a BIG stack of blueberry pancakes, no roaches.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a good source for electronic cashews?  What about > remote-controlled filberts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Electronic cash-ewes are, as we all know, the correct term for } those bovine-looking ladies in the cinema ticket booths, who have } recently been equipped with hi-tech electronic cash registers that } (supposedly) do all the work for them. You know, the sort of lady } you tell "two for Wild Orchid, please", and she pushes a button on } her new ultra-tech cash register, which goes "eep" and does nothing } more, and she says "Ooh, it went 'eep'! What on earth shall I do?, } you see, I'm not really used to this electric stuff..." all while } the line builds up behind you... That is an electronic cash-ewe, and } the place to find them is, of course, in newly-spiffed-up cinemas. } And for your other question: The term "remote controlled Filbert" } refers to a French knight named Filbert, who once tried to get back } into a castle from which he had been thrown out by dressing up like } a denizen of the woods and claiming to be a troll, thus the phrase } "re-moat con-troll". } } You owe the Oracle eighteen new ways to spell "formaldehyde".