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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:42:33 GMT

Internet Oracularities #210

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210, 210-01, 210-02, 210-03, 210-04, 210-05, 210-06, 210-07, 210-08, 210-09, 210-10


Usenet Oracularities #210    (12 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 25 Oct 90 12:41:47 -0500

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210   12 votes 12621 12630 12612 01722 25311 33312 02361 12171 36300 11541
210   3.0 mean  3.0   2.9   3.1   3.4   2.5   2.7   3.5   3.4   2.0   3.2


210-01    (12621 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle!  How did you come by the root password for
> the computer in heaven?  I am curious for "professional" reasons.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah!  I knew that security would backtrack even a claim by me.  Well, if
} you must know...
}
} When I interviewed with Gabriel for thta saint job I saw the list of
} passwords taped to his desk drawer.  The list included the root password
} for "gatekeeper" and "master-db".
}
} Several other hosts were mentioned on the list that I'm sure Gabriel
} shouldn't have access to.  I use these hosts and passwords to make sure
} I have good connections in hell too.  I don't know what such a holy
} person is doing with the root passwords to "lava-valve-7" and
} "satans-mac".
}
} Do what you like.  I just changed the root password for your brain...
} just try to retain control of your life!
}
} You owe the oracle the root passwords to three machines.


210-02    (12630 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I threw this into the fifth-dimensional chaos matrix and it came back
} with the customary Zen-like answer of "Mu", but I suppose you've heard
} that before.
}
} Taking the inverse of the aforementioned chaos matrix (using a pair of
} mirrors) gave me "uW", or one microwatt.
}
} The reasoning is simple.  "u" is the greek letter "mu", which rather
} makes sense (see the traditional answer).  And "WATT?  Dey asked me da
} null question again?" was my initial response before grinding out the
} customary solution.
}
} The only complaint you could possibly have is that you can't take the
} inverse of a zero matrix in the first place.  The problem is that while
} transforming your null question into matrix form, I used up my last
} zero, and all I had lying around were some unbroken bars from an I Ching
} hexagram I threw at a party last weekend.  Sorry for the inconvenience.


210-03    (12612 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my life recursive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your life could be recursive only if
}  your life could be recursive only if
}   your life could be recursive only if
}    your life could be recursive only if
}     your life could be recursive only if
}      your life could be recursive only if
}       your life could be recursive only if
}        your life could be recursive only if
}         your life could be recursive only if
}          your life could be recursive only if
}           your life could be recursive only if
}            your life could be recursive only if
}             your life could be recursive only if
}              your life could be recursive only if
}               your life could be recursive only if
}                your life could be recursive only if
}                 your life could be recursive only if
}                  your life could be recursive only if
}                   your life could be recursive only if
}                    your life could be recursive only if
}                     your life could be recursive only if
} <several million lines omitted>
}
} STACK OVERFLOW


210-04    (01722 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sometimes I think that I'm the self of a slug trapped in the body of a
> human being.  Am I really?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many people throughout history have felt they were slugs, including
} Napoleon, St.  Francis of Assisi, Wilt Chamberlain, and David Bowie.
} However, you may notice that all of these people managed to lead normal,
} productive, happy lives, and there is no reason you cannot either.
}
} As to if you really are a slug deep down inside, ask yourself these
} following questions:
}
}       o  Do you run away when someone is using a salt shaker?
}       o  Do you feel the urge to leave a trail of slime behind you when
}          you walk?
}       o  Do you wish your eyes were on stalks?
}       o  Do you think it is a complement when someone calls you cold and
}          clammy?
}
} If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you probably are
} a slug deep down inside, a result of a freak mishap of nature when God
} lets one of the minor Angels who really haven't learned the reins of
} Creation fully have a crack at creating slugs and people.  You see, part
} of the problem is that slugs and humans are made on the same celestial
} assembly line, so it's really easy to mess up, especially if you haven't
} done it very often.
}
} So, just switch to a low sodium diet, and try and join a slug support
} group near you.


210-05    (25311 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, ye of wisdom, honour, and all that jazz, forsooth and forseeth
> to something or other, reply to this inevitable question.  If a man,
> covered with honey, were to roll in an anthill, is it further to San
> Diego or by bus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oooh!  Gibberish!  The Oracle loves gibberish!  The Oracle will reply in
} gibberish, too!
}
} Here y'go:
}       No, because Cleanth Brooks stuck his mistress up his left nostril,
} and besides you've gotten the Oracle pregnant with his first child of a
} lesser goddam pinko communist atheist mangel-wurzel.


210-06    (33312 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think she'll make a better curry than she does a girlfriend?
> The meat is supposed to taste like mutton.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you are even thinking about asking this question, then she is no
} good as a girlfriend and it is time to think about protein content.
} Use a slow, moist (sort of sounds like what you do with a girlfiend,
} doesn't it?) cooking method, use a lot of tenderizers, and serve
} with mint jelly.
}
} In brief, the answer to your question is, "Yes."


210-07    (02361 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose intelligence is quite unintelligible,
>
> Recently I was signing the contract for a reception I was holding
> in a large banquet hall. I noticed however, that one of the words
> in fine print was that the managers of the hall would not be held
> reponsible in the event of flood, hurricane, tornado, earthquake,
> or WAR!! Can you believe it? The United States, making some sort
> of police-action-war-thingo in Saudi Arabia and probably dozens
> of other places, could easily upset my entire ladies' function!!
>
> What shall I do if war does break out and they threaten to cancel??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you're really stuck with it if the management decides to cancel.
} Next time, be more careful what you sign.  At this point, you really
} have only two courses of action:
}
} 1) Explain to them that you're no more responsible for what happens in a
}    event of war than they are. All *kinds* of things happen in wars,
}    especially to people with bad attitudes. It'd be a shame if their
}    banquet hall were hit by a shell, or blown up by some kind of swarthy
}    foreign terrorist. You think that'd be a shame, and so does Vito,
}    here...
}
} 2) Take the high road. No goddamn war is going to ruin your party, but
}    the party just might ruin their war. Rent a troop carrier, and outfit
}    your guests appropriately (look in any good book of etiquette for
}    details). Set out for the theater of operations. Let's see how these
}    testosterone-crazed neanderthals handle a few open-faced sandwiches
}    down their howitzers. Remember, you have a holy mission. The Oracle
}    has spoken.


210-08    (12171 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can computers think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Yes, it is unfortunate that along with Artificial Intelligence came
} Artificial Sincerity. They say nice things about you when you're around
} but don't really mean it. They PROMISE to backup their files but they
} never do and every numerical analysis you get from them is rounded to
} the point of being totally apocryphal.
}
}  In short, now that the little weasels can think, they believe their
} true calling in life is to make you look stupid. So far, I might add
} they are doing a swimming job of it.
}
}  You owe the oracle a complete NP-complete graph.


210-09    (36300 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Ed Ravin)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does pancake syrup taste better when it is put through an eleventh-order
> Butterworth filter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually the Butterworth process does a variety of things to make Mrs.
} Butterworth's taste better.  The filtering process itself does not.
} The filtering process makes sure that mouse crap, rodent hairs, and
} cockroach parts are included in the final product.
}
} Now the leavening process, that makes it taste better.
}
} You owe the oracle a BIG stack of blueberry pancakes, no roaches.


210-10    (11541 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Jim Cheetham <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a good source for electronic cashews?  What about
> remote-controlled filberts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Electronic cash-ewes are, as we all know, the correct term for
} those bovine-looking ladies in the cinema ticket booths, who have
} recently been equipped with hi-tech electronic cash registers that
} (supposedly) do all the work for them. You know, the sort of lady
} you tell "two for Wild Orchid, please", and she pushes a button on
} her new ultra-tech cash register, which goes "eep" and does nothing
} more, and she says "Ooh, it went 'eep'! What on earth shall I do?,
} you see, I'm not really used to this electric stuff..." all while
} the line builds up behind you... That is an electronic cash-ewe, and
} the place to find them is, of course, in newly-spiffed-up cinemas.
} And for your other question: The term "remote controlled Filbert"
} refers to a French knight named Filbert, who once tried to get back
} into a castle from which he had been thrown out by dressing up like
} a denizen of the woods and claiming to be a troll, thus the phrase
} "re-moat con-troll".
}
} You owe the Oracle eighteen new ways to spell "formaldehyde".


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