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Internet Oracularities #211

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211, 211-01, 211-02, 211-03, 211-04, 211-05, 211-06, 211-07, 211-08, 211-09, 211-10


Usenet Oracularities #211    (16 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 90 10:58:20 -0500

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211   16 votes 53611 31453 13822 21382 12274 32263 35332 04732 20374 21337
211   3.2 mean  2.4   3.2   3.1   3.4   3.7   3.2   2.8   3.2   3.7   3.8


211-01    (53611 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To me "coke" means a special mixture of carbonated water, high fructose
> corn syrup and/or sucrose, caramel color, phosphoric acid, some natural
> flavors, and caffeine.
>
> What does it mean to you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means a high-carbon solid fuel, also used in making steel.  There is
} also a version called diet coke that, when burned, delivers half the
} BTUs.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blast furnace.


211-02    (31453 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What kind of questions do other people ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, err, lessee...Actually, I am not supposed to tell you...You see
} I have to follow the Oracle privacy act.  It stipulates that I keep
} all answers private...well, maybe some of the answers...ok, lemme see
} what I can do...maybe I can let you get at a page of the database...
}
} oracle >  rlogin heaven.pearly-gates.com -l Oracle
}
}                         Welcome to Heaven
}
}      God OS Release 9876543212456776543234579875432.123456788765
}
}                       Report any bugs to HIM
}
} The Khadafi bug has been fixed...There was a semicolon missing on line
} 666.  He should behave now.
}
} you have new mail.
}
} Oracle@heaven > cd /lower/minions/oracle/OLD
} Oracle@heaven > more QnA.db
}
} write from HIM@heaven.pearly-gatyes.com (GOD):
}
} WHAT DO THEE THINK THEE ARE DOING????
}
} umm..errrr, well, I was just answering a question sir...that's what
} I'm here for you know....
}
} DON'T THEE WISETH OFF TO ME!  I KNOW THE JOBS OF MY LOWER MINIONS.
} YOU ARE TRYING TO DO WHAT IS FORBIDDEN...REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO THE
} LAST WHO DISOBEYED ME!
}
} umm...he became your son?
}
} NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!  THOU ART TOEING THE LINE TO CLOSELY!  HOW WOULD THEE
} LIKE TO BE RELOCATED?  PERHAPS SOMEPLACE A LITTLE *WARMER*?
}
} umm, no, no that is quite alright sir.  It won't happen again...I am
} truly sorry.
}
} SOMEHOW I DOUBT THAT.  THOU ART LOGGING OUT NOW!
}
} Yes, s<Logged out by system>
}
} oracle >
}
} Umm, well, there you have it...sheesh...@!#$%^&*
}
} write from HIM@heaven.pearly-gatyes.com (GOD):
}
} I HEARD THAT!
}
} opp..I might as well just shut up now..stop asking me these
} troublesome questions!
}
} You owe the oracle a face saving gesture he can make to appease you
} know who.


211-03    (13822 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise & worshipful Oracle,
>       Recenly I have started to make lots anod lots of tyoographical
> errors, and not notice thwm until it is too late to correct them.  (I am
> sendint you this messafge unedited -- udually I would have to go over a
> message like this several timens order to gewt it anywheere near
> correct.) I practice a lot with progerams like "Typing Tutor IV" and so
> foeth, bu it doesn;t seem to help very much witht his problwm.  Can you
> suggest a curte for this?  Thank yoy berty muvh.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeag, yop can di what thr Oraclw doew.  What O do is I lokk at the
} ketbord wen I'M typinh, so i can aee each indifidusl leter as I tupe it.
} This wirks so weel thst I don;t eben bothr to checl to see id I madr any
} mistales or not.  Eorks lije a charn, dont yoi thjnk?
}
} Yoi oqe the oracle a branf new pair of tuping mitens.


211-04    (21382 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, wonderful and wise Oracle ...
>
> It's been rumoured lately that there's been a drop in quality of
> Questions asked of Your wondrous Self.
>
> If this is in fact true, I hereby petition You to provide me with
> an Answer to that old chestnut (Horace) ...
>
> Rooks live in a Rookery ...
> Nuns live in a Nunnery ...
> Where do Bugs live ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Undergrads' programs.
}
} Of course, the Oracle never gets bugs in Its prograSegmentation fault
} (core dumped)


211-05    (12274 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Jim Cheetham <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise, omnipotent, and crafty Oracle, who graces Olympus
> with his winged words and fleet foot; please tell me...
>
> With all of your godly wit, knowledge, and studliness, have you
> ever been able to seduce the fiercely virginal Pallas Athena?
> Or does the bitch really just hate sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Uh, you may not know that Pallas hasn't as much of a thing about
} virginity as Artemis.  In fact, she likes sex, but only with the truly
} intelligent and wise.  Like the Oracle.
}
} Ever since people stopped worshipping the old gods, Athena has been
} occupying herself by taking mortal form, marrying mortal men, living
} with them as a mortal woman would, apparently growing old, and being
} widowed.  After a year or two of mourning, she leaves her mortal-woman
} body to die and sculpts a new one, puts it on, and goes off to find
} another mortal man she fancies.  Many great scientists were sons of the
} disguised Athena.  In between these incarnations she sometimes has
} short, intimate relationships with superior beings like...well, the
} Oracle.
}
} Someday, you may meet a small young woman with a kindly, intelligent
} face.  Her eyes will be storm-cloud gray, and very large.  She may be a
} blonde or a brunette.  She will be sweet and droll rather than
} stunningly beautiful, though quite pretty enough for most men's tastes.
} She will apparently know everything that there is to know, but will be
} very modest and demure so that it will not be easy to notice this on
} slight acquaintance.
}
} If you do meet such a woman, she may be either Athena or a daughter of
} one of her incarnations.  Use any means you can to marry her.  Her
} daughters are demigoddesses and take after their mother; Athena in human
} form is simply the finest woman in the world, despite her unremarkable
} appearance.  If you've actually caught Athena, you will have a perfect
} marriage, and you'll never be unhappy.  Your life will always be
} pleasant and run smoothly and she'll bear you brilliant, gracious
} children.  Athena takes good care of her husbands, and she'll never
} cheat on you.  She's so charming and so great in bed that you'd be a
} fool if you cheat on her -- but if you do, be prepared to be struck dead
} by lightning out of a clear blue sky.
}
} You see, Athena is tired of the goddess shtick, and just likes to settle
} down and have easy little jobs and raise wonderful kids.  The feminists
} would hold her in disdain if they knew...


211-06    (32263 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which came first CHICKEN or the EGG

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       One would think you weenies get tired of asking the same old
} questions all the damn time.
}
}       `What's the meaning of life?'
}       `How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} chuck wood?'
}       `What's your real name?'
}       `Which came first, the chicken or the egg?'
}
}       Pah!  The red plague take you, you miserable human person!
}
}       By the claws of the invincible Klortho, I think it's nearly
} time we set up an Oracle Frequently Asked Questions list.  Then I
} could dismiss such trivia with a simple ``FAQ off!''  and go on to the
} questions of true cosmic importance.
}
}       For the umpteenth time:
}
}       THE CHICKEN CAME FIRST, BECAUSE THE CHICKEN HAD TO GET LAID
} BEFORE THE EGG COULD GET LAID.
}
}       You owe the Oracle an appropriately obsequious address.


211-07    (35332 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever find true love?  If you can convince me that I never will,
> I'll stop looking.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know that true love is good?  I can prove to you that love is just
} an embellishment of your ego convincing your superego that pagan lust is
} good.  When you say "boy, I really love you" to someone, your id has
} just told your ego that you want to "screw the lightbulb" out of that
} person.  Personally, I feel that in today's society you should listen to
} your superego and be convinced that it is love.  People live such loose
} lifestyles that you can get away with lot's and lot's of yummy sex with
} as many people as you want.
}
} Be careful, though, if you wake up one morning with purple spots down
} where the sun don't shine (unless you are one of those kinky nudist-type
} people) it means that one of those past loves was wearing purple striped
} underware before you bounced the big sexual dance and therefore left
} their trademark.
}
} By the way, if you don't think you really do like sex and therefore your
} ego has done one HELL of a good job, listen to more Iron Maiden until
} you learn that killing babies is bad...
}
} Therefore I say you will EASILY find love in this world and stop
} worrying about it and go looking...


211-08    (04732 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ostrich meat isn't kosher, is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Which definition of the word "OSTRICH" did you mean?  Probably I assume
} you mean the bird.
}
} If you DID mean you want to eat the bird, they are not kosher.
} PROOF:
}       Ostrich spend a lot of their life with their heads buried in the
}       ground eating worms. (given)
}       Worms live their whole life eating dirt and shit. (well, the do!)
}       Shit is not kosher. (axiom of untouchables)
}       Therefore Worms are not kosher.
}       Therefore Ostrich are not kosher. (transitive)
}
} Sorry, but that nice birdy you stole from the zoo will have to be
} returned.


211-09    (20374 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why shouldn't I have a cow if I want to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Y'know, in all my eons as Oracle, I thought I'd herd it all.  But no,
} never have I had to field a question as udderly ridiculous as this
} one.  For years I have labored, re-veal-ing the secrets of the universe
} in response to your Angus-ed cries, giving your every beef the utmost
} consideration, spinning tails of wonder and in-cud-dulity for your
} amusement and edification.  And now, what payment do I receive?  What
} thanks do I get?  Some little ink and celluloid monster trying to horn
} in on my job!  Moo-ving in on my territory!  Sigh....
}
} But hay!  Put away the calf-fin, don't call the mortu-dairy -- the
} Oracle has not bought the farm!  I will not be put out to pasture!
} I will meat the challenge of this upstart, this bug-eyed bull-y with
} an overbite!  Remember, only the Oracle has a steak in giving you
} advice -- if I should fail, I don't have a hit TV show to fall back
} on.  The Oracle, and only the Oracle, will never steer you wrong!
}
} So, the Oracle's wisdom for you: have whatever little pet your heart
} desires, and don't take advice from cartoon characters, dude.
}
} The Oracle has milked this one to the last drop....


211-10    (21337 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can't find myself.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Stand up. Look around from the terminal where you have been
}       sitting for the last 3 days. Do you see anyone else around?
}       Approach the nearest person, and say to them, "In a system that
}       relies on the uncertainty of quantum displacement, what level of
}       freedom is a macro-form granted? In particular, a macro-form that
}       is primarily governed by 4-space dynamical rules, and is also
}       affected by n-space static rules, while exercising an expression
}       of voilitionlessness brought about by the metaphysical
}       interactions of molecular level stimulation, has to have absolute
}       relative (though non-static) reference points. Under what
}       circumstances can the definition of these points be subject to
}       arbitary re-assignment, and given a case such that the
}       macro-form's definition differs significantly from the desired
}       goal, how can a common consensus be re-established?"
}
}       Assuming that the answer is unhelpful (which is a pretty damning
}       statement on the co-operation of people you meet these days),
}       go up to the next nearest person, and say to then, "Considering
}       the mapping of real communications systems into a virtual
}       reality by the standards of a global computer system networking,
}       in what way can the existance of a virtual node be tied to the
}       physical node, and how can the termination of a virtual circuit
}       be mapped to the location of that station?"
}
}       If this approach fails, you had best return to your terminal,
}       stand on the desk, and shout, "Where the fuck am I?". This
}       plea usually evicts some response, particularly from those
}       who have tried some of the Oracle's reality-altering drugs at
}       the last party at Lisa's place. They all know how you feel,
}       and will be glad to help you out.
}
}       The Oracle requires that you send your Zip code, when you find
}       out just where you are...


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