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} By no means, aspiring Diva... er Divus? Whatever. No goal is beyond
} he who is willing to make the necessary sacrifices, and by your question
} you reveal a rather astonishing capacity for sacrifice. Most of the
} great castrati needed the gentle but persistant advice of music loving
} guardians to convince them to trade in their gonads for high C.
} Still, the soundest policy is to test the waters before you dive
} in blindfolded and backwards from a cliff, and such is my advice to
} you, especially in light of rising oracular malpractice insurance
} premiums.
} To wit: what does a great castrati have that you don't? He has a
} parent or guardian who was obviously more music loving than yours,
} but that's really beyond the scope of our problem. He has a high,
} sweet voice, purer than a female soprano's. That we can fix -- I
} know a certain Charlie "The laughing Shark" Meuller, from oracular
} excursions into scuba diving, who likes to add exotic gasses to
} his oxygen tanks. The closed-minded would say he does it just for
} laughs, but I know his heart, and he really wants to contribute
} to the beauty of undersea life by turning divers interesting
} colors. Go to Charlie and ask for some tanks of 80 percent Helium,
} 20 percent Oxygen, and tell him the Oracle sent so he won't ad lib
} too much. Breath this mixture while you sing, and your voice will
} be as lovely as Alvin's. You'll have to sing around the mouthpiece,
} but surely to one who would castrate themselves for the love of music
} this is minor.
} So let's see, what else do castrati have? They have elongated limbs
} from hormonal imbalances in adolescence. No problem there -- Charlie
} has a landlubbing brother, Grover, who likes to decorate the beach
} with more interesting body shapes. A few weeks on his racks should have
} you nicely stretched out. They have no facial or body hair, so you'll
} have to go to an electrolisist and have your beard and underarm hair
} removed (cold wax would be a woefully cowardly shortcut for one so
} dedicated as yourself.) And they have no interest in sex. A vow of
} celibacy would really be too much of a temptation for you to foreswear
} yourself before the castration itself, so I suggest you wear jockey
} shorts over your head and hang a sign around your neck which says "Sex
} is for people who haven't discovered tapioca." If that doesn't
} discourage people from wanting to have sex with you, greater gods than
} me are at work and you should go for it. It would, of course, be
} permissible to remove the jockey shorts during performances.
} Do all these things for the span of a year, O seeker, and in that year
} perform in towns and hamlets all over the world. (Don't worry, Charlie
} ships tanks of gas UPS.) If at the end of the year, you still wish to be
} a great castrati, come to me again and I will show you the way.
} If you go through with it, my payment will be the revenues from your
} first gold record, deposited discretely in a numbered Swiss account,
} since the Oracle has no use for, ahem, mere money. If you decide, at
} the end of the year, to give up your quest, just send me a picture of
} you in your scuba gear and jockey shorts. If National Lampoon doesn't
} take it, I'll hang it in the Den of the Oracular Cave.
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