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Internet Oracularities #212

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Usenet Oracularities #212    (13 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 28 Oct 90 18:56:04 -0500

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212   13 votes 02632 10741 02353 00463 12442 00544 03541 21730 12271 12721
212   3.4 mean  3.4   3.3   3.7   3.9   3.3   3.9   3.2   2.8   3.4   3.0


212-01    (02632 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's too late for me to become one of the great castrati singers, right?
> Even if I get castrated now, my voice is already too deep, isn't it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By no means, aspiring Diva... er Divus? Whatever. No goal is beyond
} he who is willing to make the necessary sacrifices, and by your question
} you reveal a rather astonishing capacity for sacrifice. Most of the
} great castrati needed the gentle but persistant advice of music loving
} guardians to convince them to trade in their gonads for high C.
} Still, the soundest policy is to test the waters before you dive
} in blindfolded and backwards from a cliff, and such is my advice to
} you, especially in light of rising oracular malpractice insurance
} premiums.
}  To wit: what does a great castrati have that you don't? He has a
} parent or guardian who was obviously more music loving than yours,
} but that's really beyond the scope of our problem. He has a high,
} sweet voice, purer than a female soprano's. That we can fix -- I
} know a certain Charlie "The laughing Shark" Meuller, from oracular
} excursions into scuba diving, who likes to add exotic gasses to
} his oxygen tanks. The closed-minded would say he does it just for
} laughs, but I know his heart, and he really wants to contribute
} to the beauty of undersea life by turning divers interesting
} colors. Go to Charlie and ask for some tanks of 80 percent Helium,
} 20 percent Oxygen, and tell him the Oracle sent so he won't ad lib
} too much. Breath this mixture while you sing, and your voice will
} be as lovely as Alvin's. You'll have to sing around the mouthpiece,
} but surely to one who would castrate themselves for the love of music
} this is minor.
}  So let's see, what else do castrati have? They have elongated limbs
} from hormonal imbalances in adolescence. No problem there -- Charlie
} has a landlubbing brother, Grover, who likes to decorate the beach
} with more interesting body shapes.  A few weeks on his racks should have
} you nicely stretched out.  They have no facial or body hair, so you'll
} have to go to an electrolisist and have your beard and underarm hair
} removed (cold wax would be a woefully cowardly shortcut for one so
} dedicated as yourself.) And they have no interest in sex.  A vow of
} celibacy would really be too much of a temptation for you to foreswear
} yourself before the castration itself, so I suggest you wear jockey
} shorts over your head and hang a sign around your neck which says "Sex
} is for people who haven't discovered tapioca." If that doesn't
} discourage people from wanting to have sex with you, greater gods than
} me are at work and you should go for it.  It would, of course, be
} permissible to remove the jockey shorts during performances.
}  Do all these things for the span of a year, O seeker, and in that year
} perform in towns and hamlets all over the world.  (Don't worry, Charlie
} ships tanks of gas UPS.) If at the end of the year, you still wish to be
} a great castrati, come to me again and I will show you the way.
}  If you go through with it, my payment will be the revenues from your
} first gold record, deposited discretely in a numbered Swiss account,
} since the Oracle has no use for, ahem, mere money.  If you decide, at
} the end of the year, to give up your quest, just send me a picture of
} you in your scuba gear and jockey shorts.  If National Lampoon doesn't
} take it, I'll hang it in the Den of the Oracular Cave.


212-02    (10741 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which hole is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The square one, you moron.  How could you possibly
} think that the square peg would fit in the round hole.
}
} If you don't know that, we definintely can't use you.
} We, here at IBM, don't hire anybody who doesn't pass
} the psych test...
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of ACME ink blots.


212-03    (02353 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There are several billion people on Earth.  SHouldn't there be at least
> one woman whom I could love and who would love me in return?  How do I
> meet her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear, oh, Dear.  Being as all-knowing and omniscient as I am, perhaps I
} should rephrase this question to reflect the true question on your mind.
} Hmmmm, let's see, Okay, try this.
}
}    > Oh, Great and wise and very understanding Oracle, there are several
}    > billion people on Earth. Shouldn't there be at least one woman whom
}    > I could love and who would love me in return who is about the same
}    > age as me, who is and/or could live in the same financial and
}    > social class as me, who my Mother would approve of and my father
}    > be lustfully jealous of, who would need me but still be openly
}    > independent, who would posses both an inner beauty and an outer
}    > glow, AND WOULDN'T MIND THAT I AM PURSUING THE LIFE OF AN
}    > ACADEMIC?
}
} The answer to this NO.  This answer may seem to be very curt and
} uncaring, but I believe you have been deceived by modern media.  Allow
} me to explain.  I was recently at a rock concert by an Australian band
} with a less knowledgable friend of mine.  He commented to me that their
} music was *very* political, and he suggested that music shouldn't be
} about politics.  I asked him what it SHOULD be about? Love?  Needless to
} say we both had a good laugh about it.  This is why: 80% of all songs
} written contain the word `love', 19% refer either to love or the lack of
} it, and the remaining 1% deal with perversions of love (e.g. Suicidal
} Tendencies "I seen your mommy and your mommy's dead").  This causes the
} sundering masses to believe that `romantic' love is alive and kicking in
} the 90's. Needless to say, I found the Godess of my dreams at the
} aforementioned rock concert.  Maybe this would be a good place for you
} to start.
}
} Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing under
} your current definition.  The answer is that you should leave out the
} phrase in capitals.  There are several factors that incredibly cut the
} number of available women upon the face of this earth.  These are just a
} few:
}
} First let's go through the logistical part,
}
}   There are about 4 billion people in this world.  60% are women.
}
} Leaves: 2.4 billion
}
}   A lot of them are married already
}
} Leaves: 1.5 billion
}
} Now let's get to the personal part,
}
}   More men than women are in mathematice/computer science because women
}   are afraid of computers.  This will scare off a small percent.
}
}   A small percentage of them are lesbians, (you are a man aren't you?)
}
}   Many are realists rather than romatics and they don't believe in love
}   either.
}
}   And the killer, ALL WON'T PUT UP WITH A GRADUATE STUDENT WRITING HIS
}   THESIS OR A PROFESSOR PUBLISHING ARTICLES BECAUSE THEY SPEND TOO MUCH
}   WITH THEIR WORK AND NOT ENOUGH TIME WITH THEM, thus: unrequited love.
}
} Leaves: Zip
}
} You owe me 12 dog-eared pages out of your little black book.


212-04    (00463 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>       Should I place the following advertisement in the campus
> newspaper?
>
> "Wanted: attractive, intelligent young woman to
> pretend to be my girlfriend.  $20 an evening plus
> free dinner and entertainment.  You will not be
> expected to perform sexual acts."
>
> I'm lonely and I want female company, and this seems the easiest way to
> get it.  I think that I'm presentable enough, but women flee from me as
> from a monster or a deadly plague.  Perhaps by hiring someone to play my
> girlfriend, I could build up the confidence needed to attract women...
>
> Your sage advice, please...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What an absurd question.  You are the kind of person who
} would use a ninnate teleportation power to teleport across
} the street to catch the bus to work.  here you have the
} infinite wisom and mental might of the oracle at your
} disposal, and you're wasting your time on questions like
}
} >  Should I place the following advertisement in the campus newspaper?
}
} when you _could_ have asked something like
}
} >  Why do women flee from me as from a monster or a deadly
} >  plague and what can I do to dissuade them?
}
} which would have been just as easy for me to answer.  Oh
} well.  It's your nickel.
}
} Yes.  Place the ad.  Here's why:
}
}       1.  You will have an excuse to get out of the house.
} Then you will do things and see things.  Then you will have
} something to talk about with real people.
}
}       2.  You will get in the habit of talking to real
} people, which is different from talking to machines.
} Practice makes perfect.
}
}       3. Your employee will be perfectly willing to tell
} you why it is that women flee from you as from a monster or
} a deadly plague, and what to do about it, in great detail.
} Of course, you could have had it from me, but, like I said,
} it's your nickel.
}
}       4. Your employee will have other friends,
} housemates, and acquaintances who you will meet.
}
}       5. Anyone peculiar enough to be intelligent and
} attractive but still answer the ad will be just the kind of
} person you would like to go out with anyway.  Think: She is
} intelligent and attractive, yet unattached and lonely enough
} to answer a newspaper ad from a faceless person requesting
} companionship--Just your type.  You will get to know each
} other, and eventually she will start going out with you for
} free.
}
} Offhand, I'd say that $20 sounds about right.  Any less and
} your prospectives will be embarassed.  Any more and your
} wallet will be embarassed, since you evidently don't have
} the kind of money it takes to attract women spontaneously.
}
}       The oracle hath spoken.


212-05    (12442 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where in hell is my pocket protector?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Exactly.  You'll see it soon enough.
}
} You owe the oracle atonement for your sins.


212-06    (00544 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise & venerable Oracle, I have a problem.  I keep confusing gateaux and
> chateaux.  One is a type of building and the other a type of food, but I
> can never remember which is which.  I have eaten several of the
> buildings (for convenience I will call them gateaux) to the very
> foundations, only to realize too late that they are not supposed to be
> edible, and that people resent having them eaten.  Mobs of angry
> Frenchmen keep trying to club me to death.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle first notes that it is indeed fortunate for you that you
} did not confuse chateaux with chapeaux and try to place a villa upon
} your head, thereby being crushed to death instantly.  Count your
} blessings.
}
} The Oracle recommends that you go to your local Halloween outfitter's
} and purchase a rubber Jerry Lewis mask.  Suddenly, French homeowners
} will respond to the sight of you munching on their gutters not with
} the violent derision it deserves, but with genetically pre-determined
} fits of raucous laughter.  They will pay you money, and may very well
} let you eat gateaux (the Oracle has made a joke.  You may chortle.),
} thereby eventually clearing up your confusion.
}
} You owe the Oracle a CD copy of the song _Marie_Antoinette_ by Curved
} Air and a quart of VO5.


212-07    (03541 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't dogs smile?  They are getting the most out of life...a good
> home, a free supply of dogfood or garbage from the table, free trees to
> pee on...all provided by humans.  Well, you'd think they could at least
> grin at us humans.  But no, all they can do is wag their tail and pant.
> Their job all day is just to scare away strangers, you'd think they
> could at smile at us humans for stooping to their every need.  Damn!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... lessee here...
}
} oraclevax> send Lassie@kennel.fame.com
}
} >To: Lassie@kennel.fame.com
} >Subj: Why don't dog's grin?
}
} >Why don't dogs grin towards humans?
} >
} >A swift response in appreciated, since there is an impatient mortal
} >awaiting the answer.
} >--Oracle
} >^D
}
} Now let's see if...
} message from kennel.fame.com!Lassie ...
} >What's this grinning business?
}
} Oh, well, there's this mortal who want to know why dogs don't grin
} towards humans.
}
} >Why would we want to grin?
}
} Well, they give you free food,
}
} >Have you tasted a Milk Bone[tm] lately?  What else?
}
} Ummm... they give you free trees to pee on.
}
} >Humans don't give us trees, they were already there.  We'll pee on any-
} >thing we can get an excuse for, now if they'll let us pee on their
} >brand new Giorgio Armani Patent Leather Shoes...
}
} [cough!] Ok, well how about humans tending to a dog's needs?  Why don't
} they smile at humans for that?
}
} >Because there are two obvious needs that a dog needs to attend to,
} >first of all, there's the 'deed' that I don't think any human can claim
} >to perform for their family dog, at least not completely.  And second..
}
} yes?
}
} >What do most humans complain about when their dogs sit in the corner,
} >lean over and lick...
}
} OK OK OK, I think we get the message.
}
} >So you see, that's why dogs don't grin at humans.  Until they do these
} >things for us (along with MORE BEEF instead of those crummy biscuits),
} >all they can expect from us is the stupid wagging of the tail, barking,
} >and the occaisonal 'love hump' now and then.
}
} Ok, I'll send the message along.  Bye.
}
} **End transmission from kennel.fame.com!Lassie
}
} Does that answer your question?
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Milk Bones and a T-Bone Steak.


212-08    (21730 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ########################################################################
}             ORACLE TIME-WASTING QUESTION INTERCEPTOR V.6.666
}
} The question you have asked:
}
} > What is the meaning of life?
}
} is one of the most often asked AND ANSWERED questions received by The
} Oracle.  To free The Oracle's time for more important and imaginitive
} questions, this interceptor and archive program was created.
}
} The answer to your question is:
}
} } Sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll.
} } Wine, women|men, and song.
} } Faster horses, younger women|men, older whiskey, more money.
}
} In the future, please refer to previous Oracularities before asking
} common questions.
}
} Please use properly self-humbling terminology when addressing The
} Oracle and phrasing your question.
}
} Thank you and have a nice day.
}
} You owe The Oracle:
}
} } Six kegs of Barrelhead Root Beer and 25 gallons of Baskin-Robbins
} } French Vanilla Ice Cream
}
} ########################################################################


212-09    (12271 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, oracle, please answer this plaguing question.
>
> Why are there no BLUE M&M's in any size bag of M&M's?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me tell you a story.
}
} Once, far back in the mists of time before M&Ms were still in beta
} testing, scientists at M&M-Mars conducted extensive and painful tests to
} determine What The Public Wanted, What The Public Didn't Want, and What
} Would Cause A Popular Uprising.  (Yes, M&M was already part of the name.
} They asked the Oracle what the company name should be long before they
} had any actual products)
}
} Anyway, one of the most interesting findings of these tests was that 10
} out of 10 times, laboratory rats fed blue M&Ms died almost immediately
} if also hit on the head with a large mallet.  Discouraged by these
} results, Mars decided not to make blue M&Ms.  They also decided to stop
} the tests, because they were hurting potential sales.
}
} Nice story, isn't it?  Unfortunately, it's a lie.  The truth is, the
} Oracle has been eating them all before they get into the bags.  Too bad
} you can't have any...they're much better than any of the other colors.


212-10    (12721 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>       If someone says or writes "a friend of mine" in asking for
> information of an intimate or embarrassing nature, does he/she ever
> _really_ mean a friend rather than him/herself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, quite often they're talking about Camilia and Trevor, the
} net.embarrassed.goddess and net.shy.god.  Camilia and Trevor are an
} odd couple indeed, but get along well, probably because they don't
} talk much.  The problem is, that Camilia and Trevor are too
} stand-offish to ask anybody much of anything, so they ask someone else
} to go and ask a question for them (saying it's from someone else, of
} course).   As a result, Camilia and Trevor usually find out what they
} want to know (except in that ugly incident with the Iraqi and the
} yak), and everyone else is left confused and suspicious of who asks
} the question.  I mean, if someone asked YOU if tampons shrunk when you
} dry them in the dryer, what would you think?
}
} You owe The Oracle a photo of Camilia and Trevor "in the act."
} Infra-red film required.


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