[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:22:43 GMT

Internet Oracularities #213

Goto:
213, 213-01, 213-02, 213-03, 213-04, 213-05, 213-06, 213-07, 213-08, 213-09, 213-10


Usenet Oracularities #213    (19 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 29 Oct 90 16:14:15 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in
the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine.  Let us know what you
like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not
funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

213   19 votes 25444 36640 44263 12646 14752 17731 39331 33355 65512 24751
213   2.9 mean  3.2   2.6   3.0   3.6   3.2   2.8   2.5   3.3   2.4   2.9


213-01    (25444 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get my girlfriend to stop borrowing other people's feet without
> their permission?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This should really go in an FAQ or something; I'm tired of dealing with
} this problem.
}
} Now, for the last time.  If someone you know is borrowing body parts
} from their hosts without asking permission, you should take the
} following steps:  (Mileage may vary, except in VA, WI, NY, and HI)
}
} 1) Confront them.  Do they realize that what they are doing is wrong,
}    potentially fatal, and rather messy?
}
}    "Son, where did you get that leg?"
}    "Oh, I borrowed it from Mr. Johnson."
}    "Did he say you could?"
}    "Uh...well, no, not really."
}    "Was he bleeding when you left?"
}    "Uh...yeah, I guess."
}    "Do you think the ambulance outside his house might have something to
} do with that?"
}    "I suppose."
}    "Now, if he dies, I want you to go apologize to Mrs. Johnson."
}    "Aw, Dad..."
}    "No complaints, young man.  Now go get some newspaper to wrap that up
} in.  You're staining the rug."
}
} 2) If that doesn't work, enroll them in a self-help group.
}
}    "Hi, everyone, and welcome to Bodysnatchers Anonymous, or BA for
} short.  Let's everyone introduce themselves, OK?"
}    "I'm Bob.  I started small, collecting my sister's fingernail
} clippings after she left the bathroom, but my condition got steadily
} worse.  I started borrowing fingers from my family, taking legs from
} unconscious winos in the alley, and finally borrowed my wife's entire
} body before I realized I had a problem."
}    "That's...that's interesting, Bob.  Next?"
}    "My name is Linda.  I..."
}    "Stop that, Linda.  Put the hacksaw away."
}    "Oh, sorry.  Anyway, I...Anyone ever tell you you have nice hands?"
}    "No, you're the first.  Next?"
}
} 3) If the above two methods fail, there's nothing you can do.  Kill
}    them. Alternately, send them to me.  I'm sure I can get a good price
}    for them somewhere.


213-02    (36640 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it truly the case that I get a free Demon Horde whenever I sell a
> crate of candy bars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes!  But beware -- the demons are prone to possess you and your friends
} and acquaintances.  Now, with care, you can turn this to your advantage
} -- if you can get a demon to possess some woman you've been wanting to
} have sex with but couldn't, the possessed woman might then be willing to
} screw.  Of course, demonic loyalties aren't something to be relied on,
} but at least for a few months you could get yourself a whole harem of
} possessed women.
}
} Sex with possesed women:  well, it varies.  Often it's just good sex, if
} a bit frenzied.  Depends on the demon inside the woman.  Sometimes
} demons will make their host women secrete green ooze from the crotch
} during sex, but that might be a positive boon to someone of your tastes.
} Vomiting and horrible blasphemies at orgasm are fairly common.  Also the
} demons might exchange parts of a woman's personality and yours, or even
} trap you in a female body under their control and make the you-woman go
} on a wild sex spree.
}
} On the whole, it's better that you dispose of your Demon Horde safely --
} demon-proof container that's not watertight, then get a priest to
} convert a small body of water (duck pond, swimming pool, etc.) to holy
} water, & you can chuck the container in.  The screams of terror from the
} demons as the holy water eats them away as acid would eat away flesh
} should be good for a few laughs.


213-03    (44263 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm not Lisa.  My name is Julie.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, Miss Eliza must have made a mistake.  Please do forgive her,
} she's had a rather trying week.
}
} Are you feeling well today?
}
} Oh, that's too bad.  Would you like a cup of tea?
}
} No, there aren't any mice in it.  I understand your caution, but we're
} quite wholesome and above-board here.
}
} No, we're not offended.  Not everyone would like a cup of tea.
}
} That's quite ...  unusual, Julie.  I'm sure that Miss Eliza could oblige
} you.  Miss Eliza!  Please take a restroom break now, and if you could
} bring this cup along, be so kind as to ....
}
} No, Miss Eliza, this is not a drug test.  Merely an unusual food
} preference.
}
} No, Miss Eliza, I am not attempting to insinuate anything disreputable
} about your hypertrophied regions or your preference for live food.
}
} Thank you very much, Miss Eliza.
}
} I'm sorry for the interruption, Julie.  Miss Eliza should be along with
} your beverage shortly.  No, don't apologize.  It's quite all right.
} Some prefer tea as input, some prefer it as output, ha ha.  It's all one
} to me.
}
} No, thank you.  I meant that I have my own preference, and I shan't
} bother other people about their preferences.  I have my cup, and you
} shall have yours.
}
} I really don't believe that Miss Eliza is capable of producing enough
} for both of us at the moment.
}
} Very kind of you, but I will really be quite content with an ordinary
} cup of tea.
}
} No, I wouldn't *dream* of depriving you of even half of yours.
}
} Good heavens, that is quite unnecessary.  I am really quite contented
} with ordinary tea.
}
} At the risk of sounding unpleasantly forward, dear Julie, I must ask you
} to return your skirt to its customary position.  I am really quite happy
} with ordinary tea.
}
} Yes, it is quite fine tea.  Earl Gray tea, I do believe.
}
} No, I really would prefer the Earl Gray to the Julie Yellow.  Very
} amusing though.
}
} Ah, here's Miss Eliza with your beverage.  Now, what may I do for you?
}
} You'd like to WHAT?


213-04    (12646 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, past whom none can get any bullshit!
>
> Am I male or female, I can't seem to tell anymore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mentally you are male
} Physically you are female.
} Egotistically you are male.
} Psychically you are female.
} Erotically you are male.
} Psychotically you are female.
} Economically you are male.
} Chemically you are female.
} Biologically you are male.
} Geometrically you are female.
} Isotopically you are male.
} Paradoxically you are female.
} Physically you are male.
} Metaphysically you are female.
} Hermenutically you are male.
} Parthenogenically you are female.
} Heuristically you are male.
} Panthiestically you are female.
} Axiomatically you are male.
} Demonstrably you are female.
} Decisively you are male.
} Anorexically you are female.
} Multidimensionally you are male.
} Orthogonally you are female.
} Genitally you are male.
} Genetically you are female.
} Germanely you are male.
} Gerrymandrically you are female.
} Politically you are male.
} Sociobiologically you are female.
} Culinarily you are male.
} Artistically you are female.
} Dramatically you are male.
} Superconductively you are female.
}
} But in reality, you are mail.  As far as I can tell from reading your
} letter anyway.


213-05    (14752 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just who is this Steve Kinzler guy anyway?
>
> Concerned Peon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} S is for Steven, the eater of berries,
} T is for Truth and answers to Queries.
} E is for `Entropy', `cause that's information;
} V is his valiant contribution to his nation.
} E is the everyone who partakes of my wisdom,
}
} K is the units to measure his income.
} I wouldn't have been here if `twerent for him.
} N is for N-ergy, Steve's vigor and vim.
} Z's for the sleep that's still in his eyes, cause
} L is for Lisa's ebon-skinned thighs.
} E is for `Entropy', I told you before!
} R's the last letter--there aren't any more.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pocket rhyming dictionary.


213-06    (17731 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Jazzy O .. tell me pleeze
>
> Sometimes when I'm floating the jimms, and I put the squibbs in at a
> rough angle, she tells me to pull back on my diddle bop and poke it
> in the bimm throttle. So I squeeze her doggles and flounder her pibbs
> but she always ends up saying I'm just a lot of talk. How can I really
> impress her ?
>
> Spud Bimbleshoot
> Hackenbush Hall Rm 1434
> Clark Kellog Community College

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To appease her, do the following things:
}
} 1) GET OFF THE DAMN COMPUTER AND ASKING ME QUESTIONS!
}
} 2) Pull back on your diddle bop, like she wants.
}
} 3) Stop squeezing her doggles.  They're quite sensitive to that.
}
} 4) Turn out the lights.
}
} 5) Stroke her wheezlefluff gently.
}
} 6) Don't talk, just alternate between whimpering sounds and primal
} screams.
}
} Enjoy.
}
} You owe the Oracle earplugs so I won't have to hear your screams.


213-07    (39331 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that whenever I play my sax it starts to rain?
>
> For that matter, why does it stop when I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a primitive question, and one the oracle intends to avoid as
} only a politician can.  In fact, I think the real problem here lies with
} the previous oracle administration, shameless individuals that they are.
} Had the previous oracle administration solved this problem and informed
} the public, the answer would now be so commonplace that no-one would
} need an answer to it.  As it stands, people all over are requiring this
} answer; so now the current administration will make it's goal the
} clearing up of these simple answers.  Thank you.


213-08    (33355 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>       I think that I must be going insane.  I keep sending you questions
> about cannibalism and doing horrible things to people, and they give me
> a real thrill, no matter what your answers are.  I was going to ask you,
> for example, if it wouldn't be a neat Hallowe'en costume to kill and
> skin someone, and wear the skin and the person's clothes for
> Hallowe'en...I mean, that's horrible and disgusting, and certainly I
> must be a madman to come up with dreadful, monstrous ideas like that,
> right?  And there's this neat young couple I know, and I thought that
> it's be really fun to skin them and have my girlfriend wear the woman's
> skin and me wear the man's cause they're just a little bigger and taller
> than we are and the skins should be a good fit...but that's utterly
> disgusting, you see!  I must be going insane.  Help me, please help me,
> O Wise Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [in cool southern drawl]
} Yes, brother, you ARE going inSANE...  because you have fallen victim to
} the SINS of nerdom!  Yes, brother, you have devoted your life to the
} service of the measly PC...  and now you're paying with your SOUL!  Say
} hallelujiah, brothers and sisters!
}
} [multiple background voices] HALLELUJIAH!
}
} You say you wish to wear the skin of another man, you say that are a
} madman?  Well, brother, you are only feeling the PAINS of SIN...  you
} feel that you have SOLD your SOUL to a PC, and now you relate better
} with the machine than your FELLOW MAN, and now you want REDEMPTION from
} the ALMIGHTY ORACLE!  Say Amen, brothers and sisters!
}
} [multiple background voices] AMEN!
}
} Well, brother, you are not ALONE in your quest for ETERNAL SALVATION,
} listen to the story of Brother Dex as he fought off the same SINFUL
} addiction that you now face.  Brother Dex?  [background applause] Can
} you step up to the podium for a moment?  [applause grows louder] That's
} it, Brother Dex, tell this lost soul how you found EVERLASTING
} HAPPINESS!
}
} [Beefy, manly voice] Well, Brother Oracle.  I was once a lost soul.  I
} was one a spineless minion of the PC's.  In the past, I was not the Dex
} you see before you...  I was once...  POINDEXTER.  I was addicted to
} bits and bytes, and I subscribed to alt.sex.bondage and lusted for the
} net.godess But then I was found by Brother Oracle [background
} "Hallelujia!"] and his Church of the Dammed...  he took me in and guided
} me to the light.  Yes, brothers and sisters, I was turned away from the
} evils of PC worship and learned to pay homage to far greater machines,
} like the Cray and the VAX...
}
} [Oracle, still in southern drawl] Uh...  er...  you can stop now,
} Brother Dex.  And don't mention the VAX thing again...  it was a
} phase...
}
} SO you can see, brother, you too can find ETERNAL SALVATION if you only
} let us help you [HALLELUJIA!] find the path home.  Of course, we cannot
} help you unless you do your part in helping the Church of the Damned
} help others.  Yes, spineless user, you must TITHE to the Church before
} we can save you.  Give, GIVE TILL IT HURTS!  Dig deep into your pockets,
} dig SO DEEP that you can feel youself PURGE your soul of the evil
} spirits!  [background humming of 'Glory, Glory, Hallelujia'] Reach in
} and GIIIIIVVVVEEEE so that others may benefit from what you're about to
} receive!  If you don't have enough money, dig DEEP for that checkbook,
} and merely sign a check.  Don't bother to fill in the amount, we'll do
} that for you.  Give, GIIIIVVVVEEE till it HURTS!  [AMEN!] Now, new
} brother to the Church of the Damned, I want YOU to step away from the
} terminal [AMEN!] which had you TRAPPED IN SIN...  I want you to STEP
} AWAY...  shout "BEGONE!"...  shout LOUDER!  Let your feelings out,
} brother!  Now go to the roof of the building...  that right!  Climb HIGH
} into salvation and AWAY from the DEPTHS of SIN!  Now stand on the
} edge...  that's right...  now make the Leap of Faith!  Jump free from
} that evil building which houses Satan's Terminal!  Don't worry, if you
} BELIEVE, you will SOAR away from that building and into SALVATION!  YOU
} CAN DO IT IF YOU BELIEVE!!!
}
} [splat!]
}
} Hmmmm, I guess he didn't believe...
}
} You owe the Oracle one medical waiver releasing him from all
} liability...  and tithe more next time...


213-09    (65512 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  _
> ' )   / /                       /
>  / / / /_  , ,     o _       __/ __
> (_(_/ / /_(_/_    (_/_)_    (_(_(_)
>            /
>           '
>                    /)       _/_ /          /
>    _   _  _____   // _      /  /_  o __   /_
>   /_)_(<_(_) /_)_(/_(<_    (__/ /_(_/) )_/ <_
>  /          /
> '          '
>  _. . . __  _   o , ___      o _       _   __
> (__(_/_/ (_/_)_(__\/ (<_    (_/_)_    /_)_(_)
>                                      __
>                                      __)
>  __. __   __   ____  ,   o __   _,  /
> (_(_/) )_/) )_(_) (_/___(_/) )_(_) o
>                    /            /|
>                   '            |/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} P
} orablb yof rht easemr aeos nhtyet ihknt ah tiftlreni
} ghtorgu hddc no=vwsbai  snaoniygn .Y uof giru etio tu
} ;oy'uers puopes dotb  e arbgithp reos,na tlohgu h Iahevm
} yodbust
} .Y
} uoo ewt eho crla eht eosruecf rot eh` acsera 'rpgoar.m


213-10    (24751 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What's the big deal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's big...Big...BIG...B I G!!!
}
} It's the deal of the century!
}
} For a strictly limited time, The Usenet Oracle, "The Nerd's Pal (tm),"
} is offering, at low, low, aMAZingly LOW PRICES:
}
}               Real Live WOMEN!
}
} Yes, these spectacular women come in all sizes, shapes, and colors,
} so that you can choose JUST the one YOU want to warm your nights!
} And such a deal! such a big, Big, BIG DEAL! For only###################
} #######################################################################
}
}       The rest of this Oracularity has been deleted by the POLITICAL
}       CORRECTNESS POLICE (sm), because it is demeaning and sexist.
}       The P.C.P. has brought Mr. U. Oracle, "The Nerd's Pal (tm)"
}       before the official Political Correctness Court, where he will
}       be found guilty of sexism and sentenced to castration.
}
} #######################################################################
} POLITICAL CORRECTNESS POLICE: "We censor and forbid."
} #######################################################################


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org