} [in cool southern drawl]
} Yes, brother, you ARE going inSANE... because you have fallen victim to
} the SINS of nerdom! Yes, brother, you have devoted your life to the
} service of the measly PC... and now you're paying with your SOUL! Say
} hallelujiah, brothers and sisters!
} [multiple background voices] HALLELUJIAH!
} You say you wish to wear the skin of another man, you say that are a
} madman? Well, brother, you are only feeling the PAINS of SIN... you
} feel that you have SOLD your SOUL to a PC, and now you relate better
} with the machine than your FELLOW MAN, and now you want REDEMPTION from
} the ALMIGHTY ORACLE! Say Amen, brothers and sisters!
} [multiple background voices] AMEN!
} Well, brother, you are not ALONE in your quest for ETERNAL SALVATION,
} listen to the story of Brother Dex as he fought off the same SINFUL
} addiction that you now face. Brother Dex? [background applause] Can
} you step up to the podium for a moment? [applause grows louder] That's
} it, Brother Dex, tell this lost soul how you found EVERLASTING
} [Beefy, manly voice] Well, Brother Oracle. I was once a lost soul. I
} was one a spineless minion of the PC's. In the past, I was not the Dex
} you see before you... I was once... POINDEXTER. I was addicted to
} bits and bytes, and I subscribed to alt.sex.bondage and lusted for the
} net.godess But then I was found by Brother Oracle [background
} "Hallelujia!"] and his Church of the Dammed... he took me in and guided
} me to the light. Yes, brothers and sisters, I was turned away from the
} evils of PC worship and learned to pay homage to far greater machines,
} like the Cray and the VAX...
} [Oracle, still in southern drawl] Uh... er... you can stop now,
} Brother Dex. And don't mention the VAX thing again... it was a
} SO you can see, brother, you too can find ETERNAL SALVATION if you only
} let us help you [HALLELUJIA!] find the path home. Of course, we cannot
} help you unless you do your part in helping the Church of the Damned
} help others. Yes, spineless user, you must TITHE to the Church before
} we can save you. Give, GIVE TILL IT HURTS! Dig deep into your pockets,
} dig SO DEEP that you can feel youself PURGE your soul of the evil
} spirits! [background humming of 'Glory, Glory, Hallelujia'] Reach in
} and GIIIIIVVVVEEEE so that others may benefit from what you're about to
} receive! If you don't have enough money, dig DEEP for that checkbook,
} and merely sign a check. Don't bother to fill in the amount, we'll do
} that for you. Give, GIIIIVVVVEEE till it HURTS! [AMEN!] Now, new
} brother to the Church of the Damned, I want YOU to step away from the
} terminal [AMEN!] which had you TRAPPED IN SIN... I want you to STEP
} AWAY... shout "BEGONE!"... shout LOUDER! Let your feelings out,
} brother! Now go to the roof of the building... that right! Climb HIGH
} into salvation and AWAY from the DEPTHS of SIN! Now stand on the
} edge... that's right... now make the Leap of Faith! Jump free from
} that evil building which houses Satan's Terminal! Don't worry, if you
} BELIEVE, you will SOAR away from that building and into SALVATION! YOU
} CAN DO IT IF YOU BELIEVE!!!
} Hmmmm, I guess he didn't believe...
} You owe the Oracle one medical waiver releasing him from all
} liability... and tithe more next time...