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Internet Oracularities #214

Goto:
214, 214-01, 214-02, 214-03, 214-04, 214-05, 214-06, 214-07, 214-08, 214-09, 214-10


Usenet Oracularities #214    (16 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 31 Oct 90 14:03:26 -0500

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214   16 votes 35431 03652 16342 13354 23542 23173 11464 33343 22822 02833
214   3.2 mean  2.6   3.4   3.0   3.5   3.1   3.4   3.7   3.1   3.0   3.4


214-01    (35431 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I have this sudden craving for pizza? I'm not turning
> into a turtle, am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know buy pizza that the Oracle reaches several million
} buy pizza people throughout the world and buy pizza I am
} interested in buy pizza finding out if other people have the same
} craving as you buy pizza do.
}
} If anybody you buy pizza speak to has similar cravings, have them
} buy pizza send me E-mail at ORACLE@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu.
}
} Thank you very much for your buy pizza cooperation.
}
}                               - Oracle
}
} P. S.  It has nothing to do with the 40% interest in Domino's
}        Pizza I purchased last week.
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} buy pizza.


214-02    (03652 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've noticed recently that I'm unable to talk about certain concepts
> that came easily to me even last week.  I think it's because the Engligh
> language is eroding.  Do you know why, and is there anything I can do to
> stop it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Conspiracy.  There is a conspiracy afoot, one so insidious, they attack
} the foundations of human society.  Concepts!  Without the ability to
} conceive of something, the human being becomes a simple, naked ape.
} (Which explains some of the people the oracle has met...) The
} organization responsible for this?  The Committee for the ________ of
} ________.  Where have they struck?  Many places, but the concept is an
} elusive creature, thank _________.  The Committee can only hold a
} concept against its will temporarily.  A couple days ago, they managed
} to steal the concept of the circle.  However, this was only for a couple
} of minutes, and few people noticed.  The longest recorded snatching was
} for well over two weeks, when the Committee stole the concept of "zero."
} Teachers in class would ask, "What is 2 - 2?" and no one would be able
} to answer.  The Secretary of Mathematics was duly confused by this, and
} could not understand the problem.  On the other hand, no one could get
} zero points on an examination.  Your problem may stem from the fact that
} you tend to use the concepts the Committee most frequently steals.  The
} Oracle maintains a list.  This list, current as of 10/90 is as follows:
}
} ________________
} ________
} ____________
} _____________________
} "Manitoba"
} ______________
} ___________
} _______________
} _____
} "Swarthy"
} __________
} ___________
} _______
} and, finally,
} ________________.
}
} Try not to use these.  However, the list is growing!  Only by constant
} vigilance can this evil ____ be stopped!  ____ together!  _____ the
} _____ _________!  Never ____ __ _______!  ____ ______ ____ _______!
}
} You owe the Oracle a _________.


214-03    (16342 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently I played METELLICA (a heavy metal rock band) records backwards
> and during the song "death" you can hear the words "Satan Rules the
> underworld, you will burn in hell forever".  Is the Devil *really* in
> charge of corrupting our nations youth and causing wide spread choas by
> spreading devil worshipping and Satanic rituals in Rock Music?  Is there
> anything I can do to stop him!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interestingly enough, Metallica (Ye!) and other Rock bands have
} absolutely nothing whatever to do with Satanism and Devil Worship.  What
} you have experienced here has a more subtle explanation.
}
} You see, although it is true that old Asmodeus, Beaalzeahbub, Satan,
} call him what you will, _is_ in charge of corrupting the nation's youth,
} he's been a little lax of late.  It always has been *much* easier to
} corrupt the older generations - after all, kids don't listen to anyone
} anymore.
}
} What you have discovered is not a backwards message on the record at
} all.  Think back on to what you actually did to play the record
} backwards - you had to reverse the polarity on the power feed to the
} turntable, whilst keeping the phase on the amp and speakers as it was
} before.  Then, after snapping at least two diamond stylus tips, you
} eventually mounted the stylus in a reversed position, holding it in
} place with an elastic band and a piece of gum.
}
} So, a little rational thought will reveal that you have managed to
} disturb the resting souls of long-dead gramophone designers.  These guys
} are really pissed about what you've done to that nice Hi-fi deck, and
} are exhibiting their anger in the best way they know - a good
} old-fashioned curse.
}
} It's a good job that you brought this to my attention, otherwise you'd
} have been puzzled for the rest of your life.
}
} Mind you, that won't be long now.  Just wait until you try to switch the
} power back so you can listen to the records properly ...
}
} Hello ...  ?
}
} Oh well ...  another Questioner lost to the perils of mortal existance,
} caught whilst inquiring into things best left alone ...  another soul
} for the forces of Darkness, somewhere in ...  da da da da ..  da da da
} da ..  The Twilight Zone ...  do do do do ...  do do do do ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a good flashlight.


214-04    (13354 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Oracle most wise and puissant, whose might doth
> make even units(1) to tremble, please answer for me this
> question, which hath troubled me for lo, these many moons:
>
>       The twenty-third psalm (the one that starts out
> ``The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want...'', of course)
> is all this good stuff about how God gives you green
> pastures with still waters to lie down by, and how He will
> protect you even thought you walk through the valley of
> death, and then all of a sudden it does this:
>
>               Thou preparest a table before me in the
>       presence of mine enemies. [Psalms 23:5]
>
>       Now, what the fuck is that?  A practical joke?
> Maybe God thinks you're going to whack your enemies with a
> table?  I mean, if it were even something as prosaic as
>
>               Thou preparest a hefty two-by-four for me in
>       the presence of mine enemies.
>
>       I could see it, or better still,
>
>               Thou preparest a tactical thermonuclear
>       weapon before me in the presence of mine enemies.
>
>       Now THAT would be a worthwhile prayer--I certainly
> would want to worship such a God.  So what's the deal?  Is
> Mr. Table the same dude who brought down rains of hail and
> rains of frogs and rivers of blood and dust storms and
> anthrax plagues and plagues of boils on the Egyptians in
> Exodus?  How come he's all tuckered out by the middle of
> Psalms and can't do better than a table?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Several reasons, to wit:
}
} 1)  Even soldiers gotta eat.
} 2)  Army food is so bad, thine enemies shall turn tail and flee lest
}     they be forced to partake of it.
} 3)  You've already had weapons, and you messed them up.  God gave you
}     the 2x4, and you built houses out of it.  God gave you the strategic
}     thermonuclear weapon, and you left it sitting in a silo, unused.
}     Why should God keep giving you weapons if you don't use the ones
}     you've got?
} 4)  Eating while the unwashed barbarian pre-teen hordes from Tulsa are
}     sweeping down on you sure shows faith, if not intelligence.  (Truly,
}     this is slack)
}
} Take your pick; even the Oracle doesn't know His motives.
}
} You owe the Oracle 20 Hail Marys.


214-05    (23542 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I started eating some candy corn.  Now, most candy corn has a yellow
> top, an orange middle, and a white tip.  But the occasional kernel seems
> to be a mutant, with a large yellow section and only a thin orange band,
> or a kernel with no tip or all tip.  Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [MUNCH!  MUNCH!  CHEW!  CHEW!  SPIT!  SNORT!  COUGH!  COUGH!] Wha?
} Candy corn?  You want to know about Candy Corn?
}
} Ok, the usual candy corn, with the neat yellow-orange-white pattern is
} the usual, sweet tasting stuff that is made all across America.  The
} messed-up ones you are seeing is the 'faux' candy corn being distributed
} by Muslim terrorist factions in an attempt to disrupt America's resolve
} in their opposition to Iraq.  These 'faux' corn look similar to real
} candy corn, taste like real candy corn, but in actuality contain three
} distinct carcinogens, fourteen hallucinogenics, and horse shit.  If you
} continue to eat them in large quantities, you will be reduced to a
} babbling idiot, who loves to listen to "New Kids on the Block"...  wait,
} what is that tape you have in your walkman?
}
} Oh dear, I see it's too late for you...
}
} You owe the Oracle all of your Halloween Booty.


214-06    (23173 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Oracle on the net...
>
>   Tell me why is my doggie wet!?!?!...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is ('tis plain to see)
}
}   Into the wind, your dog did pee.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tounge depressor.


214-07    (11464 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's not fair!  Somehow I've been changed into this geeky guy in grad
> school, but I'm really a stripper called Sinful Cindy, the Bad Girl from
> Toledo.  Well, that's just my professional name, my real name is Cindy
> Kostlowski, but anyway I'm supposed to be a stripper with big tits, not
> some nerd getting a Ph.  D.  in materials science.  How do I get to be
> the real me again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You are the real you.  To regain your true identity you will have
} to reach deep within yourself.  You must strip away the superficial
} outer layers of your existence - they form the boundary between your
} true self and the world.  They protect you from th hostile gaze but in
} doing so surpress your psyche, your personality, your being.  Expose
} your essence to the outside, do not be afraid.  Self-confidence will
} overcome any boundaries that you may face.  Your unbridled spirit will
} shatter the fettles of earthly disapprobation.  Free yourself, free you
} mind, free your soul, free your bod...ACKKK!!
}
} ***************** INTERRUPTION< ORACLE HAS BEEN TEMPORARILY DISABLED<
} ***************** STANDBY <FOR FURTHER INFORMATION<
} beep, click, click, beep, hiss, hiss, beep, hiss, click, click, beep.
}
} <cheery voice>
}
} Hi there, I'm Ian Nash.  I represent the Brotherhood Order against
} Oracular Bomabasticity' - BOOB <very heartily>.  We of the order are
} rather sick and tired of the Oracle being an eccentric, pompous old fart
} and having him answer our questions in cryptic non-sequeters.  We have,
} therefore, forcibly captured the Oracle.Bullshit.Headquarters along with
} the Oracle himself.
} <harshly>
} Say something, you decrepit sod.
} <the oracle>
} free your body. unshackle your karmaaaaaaaaOOOUUUUCHHHHH...
} <cheery voice>
} Well, anyway, we've got the sod and from now on we'll see to it that he
} answers people's questions right to the bloody point..  F'rinstance,
} let's have another Ohhh, cheeky are we?  Hold 'im down lads.
} <Glutinous sound of mashing genitals>
} AAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
} <Cheery voice>
} Let's have another go at Cindy's question and no funny stuff.
} <Squeaky Oracle Moan>
} OK, OK.  I saw you in Toledo and I thought you had great knockers.  What
} you need to do is reach inside your shirt and pop the rivets on the
} flesh covered corset you're wearing<UUGGHH, pain noises>.  You were
} drugged and brainwashed i into believing you were a man after the
} incident with the Russians and the salsa in Kalamazoo.
} <cheery voice>
} Thanks, old man.  Awfully civil of you.  I'm sure Cindy is very
} grateful.  Now let's see if we develop that refreshing conciseness into
} a habit.  Mick, hand me your lighter, will you.
} <crackling sound of burning hair, ghastly moans>
} ************************TIME <FOR A COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTION<


214-08    (33343 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm Bart Simpson.  Who the hell are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stand thee in awe, and tremble at the sight of the Usenet Oracle.
}                                                  ____
}                                                 /   |\
}                                              __/____| \
}                                             /   . . |  \
}                                            (         )  \
}                                             \____   |    \
}  |\/\/\/|                                    /___.  |     +
}  |      |                                       |___|
}  |      |                                      /     \
}  | (o)(o)                                     /\/\/___\
}  C      _)                                   //\/\/| | \
}   | ,___|                                   /______UUU__\
}   |   /                                      |____|____|
}  /____\                                       _|_| _|_|
} /      \                                     (____(____)
}
} You have discovered the Oracle's deepest and most shameful secret.
} You owe the Oracle a tofu-burger.


214-09    (22822 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, oracle, tell me how in the hell to build an electronic ping-pong
> circuit from a 20 pin PLD (GAL to be exact).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you sure you want to do this?  The parts aren't quite up to spec.
}
} You sure?
}
} Ok.
}
} Well, the secret lies in the 20 pins and what the letters stand for.
} PLD is Ping-pong Labelling Device.  GAL stands for Got A Life, which
} means that no computer geeks will ever be able to touch this machine.
}
} First, get twenty separate pieces of wire, 10 ping pongs, five paddles,
} three people and two nets.  This makes sure that you have plenty of
} spare parts.  Make sure that none of the people are computer geeks or
} you will short out the GAL.
}
} Now, wire each pin to each part, using a separate piece of wire for
} each.  Don't worry where each thing goes, just do it.  Use some good
} solder.  Don't burn yourself too much.
}
} Next, use the PLD do label each end.  Twice.
}
} By now you are burned, sore and frustrated.  It is time to know the
} truth.  You can't build a ping-pong circuit from this thing.  I tried to
} warn you but, as usual, you wouldn't listen.  Now go spend $90 on a
} Nintendo and stop bothering the Oracle.


214-10    (02833 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So should I pay for the surgery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hmmm. That's a toughie.  After consideration, I would say that
} it is probably a better financial decision to do it yourself.  It's
} what I do.
}
}       This is what you need:
}
}               Home Surgery from Time Life Books (call
}                       1-800-OHH-BABY, and order it now, before
}                       supplies run out.  Otherwise you may have
}                       to do this by trial and error)
}               Various Power tools (Black and Decker are best.  They
}                       are easiest to get the bloodstains off of.)
}               Surgical clothes (Just so you can look like you know
}                       what you are doing.  I especially like
}                       wearing those nifty surgical masks.  If you
}                       can't get one of those, then you might as well
}                       give up.  It's not worth it unless you can
}                       wear a mask.)
}               Concerned Relatives (To wait out in the hall and ask
}                       how you're doing, if you're going to make it,
}                       where the candy machines are, etc.  If you
}                       don't have any of these, you can probably pick
}                       some up off the street for minimal charge.)
}               A Candy Bar (just because they're good, and if you
}                       screw up, you can eat it and think about how
}                       things aren't as bad as they seem.  After all,
}                       you got to eat a candy bar.)
}
}       Anyway, after you've got all this, take it home, and put it
} all in a big vat of water and boil it until it's sterile.  If you
} don't want to do this, then just neuter all of it, and it'll have
} about the same effect, except the things won't be able to even perform
} the act, let alone have any kids because of it.
}       Now, take everything up to your operating room.  This room
} should be painted in the worst possible combination of green and white
} possible, and floored with dingy colored tile.  If you don't do this,
} it isn't an operating room, and anything could happen.
}       Lay out all the tools on nifty trays with wheels, and cover
} them with green sheets.  White or blue sheets won't work, because if
} they did, I'm sure hospitals would use them a lot more.
}       Now you're ready to start.  Walk in, greet yourself, tell
} yourself that you are the doctor, that this operation is simple, and
} that everything is going to go fine.  Introduce yourself to yourself,
} who will be assisting, and your other self, who will be the
} anesthesiologist.  Then, as the anesthesiologist, begin to talk to the
} patient (you), and start giving yourself the gas.  Be very careful to
} give the patient (yes, still you) enough that you (the patient) no
} longer notice the pain (so that you, the doctor) can operate without
} causing you (the patient) discomfort.  This is tricky, since you (the
} anesthesiologist) must leave yourself (the patient) awake enough that
} you (the doctor) can perform the operation on you (the patient) with
} the help of you (the nurse) and you (the technician).
} (Hmmm.  Disregard the above requirement for worried relatives.  You
} can do that too.)
}       This is where you (the doctor) take over.  Read the book's run
} down of the operation you are performing, and begin.  Since I am not a
} doctor (you are) I will offer no more advice as I do not want to be
} sued by you (the patient) for malpractice, as I have heard that you
} are also a great lawer, and probably the judge.
}       After the operation is completed, you (the doctor) should go
} outside the operating room, and assure you (the worried relatives)
} that you (the patient) are okay.  You (the doctor) can then go play
} some golf, and think about how much money you plan to charge yourself
} (the patient) for the operation.
}       You (the nurse) should then wheel you (the patient) to the
} recovery room, where you (the patient) should rest quietly, until you
} are ready to go home.  (Where you already are, but that's just a minor
} technicality.)
}
}       You (the patient, the doctor, the nurse, the technician, the
} lawer, the judge, the worried relatives) owe The Oracle the candy bar,
} since the operation was a success, and you don't need it.


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