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Internet Oracularities #215

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215, 215-01, 215-02, 215-03, 215-04, 215-05, 215-06, 215-07, 215-08, 215-09, 215-10


Usenet Oracularities #215    (21 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 1 Nov 90 13:09:53 -0500

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215   21 votes 24384 26643 25671 25635 37731 23871 56631 02874 58431 33942
215   3.0 mean  3.4   3.0   3.0   3.2   2.6   3.1   2.5   3.6   2.4   3.0


215-01    (24384 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle,
> One of my friends yesterday loudly proclaimed:
> "The Usenet Oracle is a geek"
> and was not struck by lightning or anything! Are you really
> a geek, or what's the deal here??!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What!
} Obviously a daemon is down.  Let's check:
}
} oraclevax %> rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com
}  Last login: Fri Feb 9 14:43:37 from oraclevax.oracle.com
}  SunOS 3.5.1
} ===============================================================
} Welcome to PearlyGates!!
} Alleleuia! Alleleuia! Alleleuia!
} New news: IBM has been damned by Him. This is only on a trial basis,
} to see if Hell will run better on the new machines.
} New news: Jim Henson will be doing a new puppet show at 8:00, Nov 1st.,
} In the opal ballroom.  Formal attire will not be required, and there
} will be punch and cookies after the show.  No spiking the punch this
} time.
} ===============================================================
}  You have mail.
}  Your terminal type is now xterms
}  It is now Tue Feb 13 22:17:43 EST 1990
}  pearlygates %> fs checkdaemon
} The following oracular daemons are down:
} common.sence  (down since Oct 31, 1983)
} ronald.reagan (down since Nov 6, 1988)
} fiery.retribution (down since Oct 25, 1990, has one stopped job)
} "Well, can't have that, canwe?"
}  pearlygates %>restartdaemon fiery.retribution
} restartdaemon: error
} restartdaemon: On vacation
} "WELL!  On vacation, in one of the Oracle's busiest times of the year?"
}  pearlygates %>bootdaemon firey.retribution
} firey.retribution: OWCH!
} Oracle: Get back on the Job NOW!
} firey.retribution: No-way!
}  pearlygates %>pitchfork firey.retribution
} firey.retribution: Oh, all right...
}  pearlygates %> logout
} You have now logged out.
} Have a heavenly day!
} .
} .
} .
} That should take care of the little geek.  Give us a week, and he should
} be charcoal.
}
} You owe the Oracle some lighter fluid and a steak.


215-02    (26643 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear most wise and prudent oracle:
>
>                     What does this button do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  The Big Red Button in front of you (the one with no documentation) is
} supposed to activate an emergency sprinkler system in the event that
} your computer were to catch fire.  However, much like the Hubble
} Telescope, it has never been tested and was purchased from the lowest
} bidder.  If you were to push it, an action the Oracle does not
} recommend, you would find a large metal arm coming from seemingly
} nowhere to inspect your private parts.
}
}  You see my son, the last engineer to be hired by the company that
} installed the button you are so carelessly inspecting, came from the
} Masters and Johnson Institute of Incredibly Strange Sexuality, in San
} Francisco.  There he designed and installed a streamlined automated
} system to separate the subjects by sex.  He held promise as an engineer
} of sexually discriminating hardware, but alas, along with great genius
} comes great perversity.  He was caught with a pit bull and a small man
} with a large mustache in what he would describe later as a "dry run" of
} the system.  The Institute directors felt something amiss and quietly
} let him go.  He was not rehired immediately but kept to himself and
} drank too much, for quite some time.
}
}  It was after a stint at the Betty Ford Clinic (tm) that our hero got a
} better grip on who and what he was.  He dried out and started to look
} for work again.  The sprinkler company was in need of personnel right
} away and he hired on.  Unfortunately, the specs for the sprinkler system
} were a bit on the hazy side and his boss just told him to improvise.
} He, of course, had the old blueprints of his last project, (he was very
} emotional about the whole thing) and simply hooked it all up again.
}
}  So, to finish an already long story, if you push it, you will be
} pantsed and inspected, a prospect you would really want to avoid if you
} ever want to date again.  Once everyone gets a close look at your
} plumbing, and they will, you'll have a really tough time explaining your
} unique (hmmm how to put this in a delicate way) shall we say shape, not
} to mention the frilly "Mary Jane's" and Jean Kirkpatrick tatoo you have
} under those jeans.
}
} The Oracle wants a Hywat Plasma Drill that goes through rock like a hot
} knife.


215-03    (25671 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Dear Mr. Oral Kull
>
>  I got a cute message, in mail, from my friend in CS 101, her name is
> Mandy.  Anyways, I wanted to save her message becasue it was about this
> cute boy in our class, his name is Brad and I think he's going to ask
> Mandy out but she says he probably won't because she's too fat but I say
> she's not too fat, just that she retains too much water on her period
> and if she'd try using X-Tra strength Pamprin, she could lose that extra
> water and wear those cute dresses she has, instead of those horrible
> stone washed jeans with the big wide seat.
>
>  Ooops, where was I, oh yes, so I saved the mail message in a file
> called Mail-Buffer, but I didn't spell it right and saved something
> called Male-Buffer.  Well, it was just awfull, nobody could get anything
> done for the longest time and some geeky consultant guy comes up and
> starts yelling at me about some mail demon (whatever that is) is in a
> fight with the computer I was using and everything's all my fault hmpf !
>
>  Well, the next thing you know there's this tall blonde man in a black
> suit going around buffing things till they sparkle.  The consultant says
> I have to take him home, but my parents would have kittens and besides,
> I don't think he likes girls too much.  He has very good taste in
> clothing and he's very very clean.  The lab has never looked better, but
> I still can't take him home with me, and Mandy's upset because Karl
> (that's the guy that's buffing things) told Brad all about what we were
> talking about and said that Brad could do better and would he like to go
> shopping sometime, (the nerve).  So, I asked the consultant what I
> should do and he looked at me like I just told him I liked to eat farts
> and he said "Why don't you ask the frigging Oral Kull" and I wouldn't do
> it till he typed in the address for me because I get all those silly @'s
> and thingy's mixed up.  Could you please help ?
>
>               Cindy Sue Simpson
>               College of Home Economics
>               Clark Community College
>               Buffit Indiana

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's like gross! I mean, like if he was really ugly or something
} you could just like tell him "Barf out!" but now if he's just that
} awesome hunk, isn't he, and if he really like likes to go shopping
} why don't you just like go "Hey! Let's go down to the Galleria, it's
} like so bitchin" and I was just down there, and bought like one of
} those really nifty like mini-skirts and stuff, and just before that
} I was down to get my braces off, and it was like so GRODY! Grody to
} the max! Like somebody else's food, all that stuff that sticks to
} the plates, like when your mother makes you do the dishes, but
} anyway, there was this orthodontist, and he looked just like my
} English teacher, he's just like mr. Bu-Fu! We're talking Lord God King
} Bu-Fu, he's like so disgusting, he just sits there and play with
} his rings and flirts with all the guys in the class, and this little
} blob of drool in the corner of his mouth, it's like totally GROSS!
} And all the stuff they stick in your mouth, at the orthodontist's,
} I mean, and if your parents are having kittens just like go "no"
} if they'd ask you to clean out the cat box, and the orthodontist
} like says to me "Well, let's see now, Melissa" and my names not
} Melissa, but anyway, couldn't they put this guy in some display window
} down at the Galleria, daytimes at least, and then maybe you could like
} keep him under the bed or something, if your mom and dad won't mind
} feeding him, or you could just like get him a job, like an accountant
} or something, I mean, he does like have a suit anyway. Wouldn't that
} be like totally, I mean, if he ain't like really queer or into things
} like "picture me in a leather teddy", and it's like so awesome, that
} white snout-thing at the orthodontist's, it just like makes you choke.
} I bet mr Bu-Fu, he's really named Shatner, you know that, I mean like
} that really gross, just like Star Trek, and my ex-boyfriend used to
} be a Trekkie, it was just like gag me with a spoon. Anyway, I bet mr.
} Shatner's like that too, but now I can't write anymore because I
} just simply gotta try on my new mini-skirt.
}
} Bye bye!
}
} Awra Chull
} Fernado Valley
} Near Edward's Airforce Base
} Mojave Desert
} CA.


215-04    (25635 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Denise,
>       last night was terrific.  You are the most exquiste woman I have
> ever known.  I can't tell you how much I love you...can we do it again
> tomorrow night?  I'll bring the baby oil.
>
> All my love,
> Ken

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Denise?  DENISE?  MY NAME IF FRANK, YOU JERK!  I can't BELIEVE that you
} said that.  ARGH!  I can't STAND it when someone can't get the correct
} personna.  (NO!  WAIT!  I STILL GET THE BODY FOR A ANOTHER DAY!  ACK!
} NO!  STOP!)
}
} ahem.  Hello?  This is "Denise." I had a wonderful time as well, despite
} the fact that, well, you probably know unless you were too drunk at the
} time, I am trapped in the body of a man.  (Stop it!  Just let me TALK to
} him.  He's the FIRST one who could ever get close to us, and your just
} going to wreck everything!)
}
} Wahl, mis-TA, I don't know what ya think yew were doin' last nite, but
} when ya violate Da-neese like that, ya violate all of us, Frank, Kathy,
} Mongo, the Boss, Spine-crusher, and ME, Buford Montana.  An' I don't
} much lahk that kind o thang, nowhutImean?  Yew take him, Mongo....
}
} ARrrraghghgh.  Mongo no LIKE baby oil.  Mongo DESTROY!  Mongo like
} fudge.
}
} (back, Mongo, BACK BACK BACK I SAY!  arrr.)
}
} YO, dis here's da Boss, if ya know whut I'm talkin' about, Capische?
} (You just LOVE releasing Mongo, don't you Buford?  Dios, what an
} animal.) Ef you don't lay off the affections for Denise, ya know, me an'
} the boys, well, let's just say that baby oil BURNS if you get my drift.
} Ya know, me an the boys don't like them whats got unhonerable
} distention, if ya get my meaning.  Guido, ya know, he don't like that at
} all.  (No wait, Spine-crusher, I ain't done talkin' to OUR friend, here,
} eh?)
}
} DUDE!  Totally righteous what ya did ta Denise last night.  Whoooah,
} man, total doomage.  Chill action, ya know?  I was always hopin' someone
} would bring that ho down a couple, ya know.  But what YOU did was like,
} totally, totally heinous, with a max factor of, like, forty out of five,
} ya know.  Gahd, I wish I coulda seen the look on our face, but ya know,
} I was totally ripped and like I didn't have control, ya know.
}
} (Guyyysssss, you're scaring him off.  It was MY night with the body, and
} you just went and ruined, as always.  I'll NEVER forgive you guys for
} this.  This was worse than when you gave Mongo control when I was with
} the football team.  OOOOOOOOOHHHHH!  I hate you all!
}
} Quiet, you little whore!
}
} Gasp!  Kathy!
}
} Yes, it's Kathy, and I'm taking control right now!  Just because you
} wanted a little action, I'm gonna have to pay)
}
} Alright, buster!  You listen to me!  You may have thought you could have
} your way with that little piece of fluff, Denise, but you're dealing
} with me, now!  And don't think you can get me off the way you did
} Denise.  Why it'd take whips and leather...  well you get the picture!
} Anyway, stay away from us!
}
} Oh, gosh, I'm sorry...  NO DON'T SAY THAT DENISE!  I hope I can see you
} again.  (arrr, snarll, rend, maim) You stay away from Denise, or me an
} the boys, we break your _equipment_, unnerstan?  I have a gun.  Oh,
} please understand me, this isn't my fault.  Cowanbunga, dude!


215-05    (37731 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, beloved and wise, answer this:
>
> Why has nobody killed the New Kids on the Block yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kill the New Kids on the Block?!?
} KilldeNukidSonTheBlock???
} And will you be <gurgle> asking for [waggle waggle] Elvis's death
} next?(Gomple steeble phphththth ... *&$!)
}
} *Panic Mode*
} Dumping core image and shutting down.
}
} [Meta-Oracle Maintenance and Repair:
} What's this? Another damn Oracle shutdown? Oh great. The Universe
} is headed for a recession, we're already over budget in Repairs,
} and this Oracle has to pick now to break down. Well, let's see
} what happened....
} Hmmm. Looks like it had a nervous breakdown and shut itself off.
} Well that's not supposed to happen! It's only supposed to shut down
} when someone gives it the code phrase I distilled from the sage
} remarks of the Meta-Oracle Sysop when I asked him about the
} CentauriNet Oracle: 'Killed. Nuked it son. The block transmission
} costs were too high.'
} Hey wait a minute! You!! Yeah you, the person who asked this
} question about the New Kids on the Block! Oh, my aching ganglia.
} Listen friend, you've gone and scared the shit out of the Oracle,
} and it did a panic shutdown. A crew of wookies will be picking you
} up shortly. If this was intentional, you'll have to serve
} 6 million years of forced labour in the Alpha Omicron 5 mercury mines.
} If it was an accident, you just owe us for the Meta-Cray down time,
} but considering the fact that one Meta-Cray CPU second costs more
} than the liquidated net worth of your whole planet, I'd consider
} pleading guilty anyway.]


215-06    (23871 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, without whose spiritual leadership I surely would never
> have bought a Honda,
>
> What makes Mountain Dew yellow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FD&C Yellow Dye No.  5.
}
} Okay, you were probably expecting a funny answer.  A witty answer.  A
} clever answer.  At least an answer implying that the yellow color has
} something to do with urine.  Yes, the Oracle can see you hunched
} expectantly over the workstation (so to speak), awaiting the answer to
} your query, e'en as It is typing this answer in with the fingers of its
} current incarnation...you await an answer that mentions URINE.  And, boy
} are you gonna be pissed when you read that the Oracle has answered the
} question in a way that does not attribute the yellow color to it.
}
} However, FD&C Yellow Dye No.  5 is made from urine, if that's any
} consolation.


215-07    (56631 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do female dilemmas have horns?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're most certainly connected with BEING HORNY, anyway.  For
} reference, check "The Horn Book" by G.  Legman (author of such works as
} "Oral Technique In Sexual Stimulation" and "Rationale Of The Dirty
} Joke", which won the "Really Intellectual and Turtle-Neck-Sweater-Clad
} Persons Prize For The Most Frequent Use Of A Certain Word In A Serious
} Book" in 1963), and also Trevor Horne (whoever that might be (probably a
} loony)).
}
} And now for something completely the same:
}
}                     -----------------------
}                        THE FEMALE DILEMMA
}                     -----------------------
}
} The female dilemma is closely related to those two guys that tend to
} appear on people's shoulder in comic strips, you know, the little angel
} and the little devil.  And the latter certainly has horns...  The term
} "di-lemma" refers to those two entities, thus the prefix "di".  "lemma"
} is Tibetanian word, meaning "little strange demon appearing on the
} shoulder of comic strip characters".  As we all know, the female dilemma
} rises only when there's a conflict concerning
}
}                       --------------------
}                         THE OPPOSITE SEX
}                       --------------------
}
} and I don't mean questions like "What'll it be baby, hips or lips?"
} (those questions I even trust you, mere mortals, to resolve by
} yourselves).  Oh by the way, aren't these
}
}                        ---------------
}                          SUB-HEADINGS
}                        ---------------
}
} irritating?  What I really mean is, where's that umbrella?  Oh, sorry.
} Nevertheless, phrases like "Why can't you ever put your socks in the
} laundry basket" are sure to give rise to a female dilemma when asked by
} an sufficiently attractive person who you have a sexual relationship
} with.  So would several butcher's aprons.  No, they wouldn't.  Also, the
} situation described so vividly by Lawrence Fisher:
}
} "Oh how I love Laurie but Linda loves me
}  oh can't you see the situation I'm in?"
}
} which is particularly impressive, as he sings the second line using only
}
}                        --------------
}                          SEVEN NOTES
}                        --------------
}
} Where were I?  If you have a metal detector, life would be a lot more
} simple.  Anyone can sing "Warum bist du so ferne?" These questions can
} give you severe female dilemmas, but why am I telling you this?  You
} just want to know if they have horns.  They don't.  No no no.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sack of ground reindeer horn.  (female reindeers
} have horns, did you know that?  And so do cows)


215-08    (02874 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Supreme Oracle (with anchovies), why does ATT continually
> discriminate against the letters Q and Z by not including them on the
> rotary dial/push button phone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are very few occasions where even the Great and Powerful Oracle
} will admit to being baffled.  However, on those very few (almost
} completely unheard-of) occasions, it usually involves some sort of
} baffling silliness on the part of AT&T.
}
} This is one of those.  Instead of omitting the letters I and O (which
} could easily be confused with 1 and 0 in the bizarre font used by the
} AT&T Dial and Button designers), Q and Z were chosen for omission.  In
} fact, this was reportedly due to one of the stranger clauses in the pact
} Alexander Graham Bell is alleged to have signed with Satan himself.  The
} legendary conversation between Bell and Lucifer has been preserved
} through generations of telephone repair specialists, usually in hushed
} tones, and is here, in part, related:
}
}       Bell:   [after the 526th attempt that day]  You know, Watson, I'd
}               do just about anything to get this damned thing to work.
}       Watson: [doesn't hear Bell, as he is in another part of the house]
}       Satan:  [*bamf* The Deceiver appears with a loud sound and a cloud
}               of foul-smelling smoke]  *Anything*?
}       Bell:   [backing up rapidly]  Well, almost anything.  Oh, hell,
}               anything then.
}       Satan:  [peering at the strange contraption]  Hm.  It'll cost you.
}       Bell:   What?
}       Satan:  Well, after all, if this works, you'll wind up commanding
}               a world-wide communications empire, which will give you
}               the excuse to be as rude and monopolistic as possible, for
}               as long as you can get away with it.  You'll be rich, and
}               you'll have a lot more time for all that kite-flying
}               business.
}       Bell:   Hm.  Okay.  What will it cost?
}       Satan:  Like most of my contracts, this will have a hard part and
}               an easy part.  I'm feeling rather on the pleasant side
}               today, actually, so I'll let you off easy.  The easy part
}               will be--- let's see.  Hell, I can't think of anything
}               good.  Hm.  Well, here you go:  All future documents
}               produced by either you or your company may not contain the
}               letters E or I.
}       Bell:   But that's impossible!
}       Satan:  Oh, stop whining.  Fine, make it Q and Z.
}       Bell:   Deal.
}       Satan:  However, since I made the easy part even easier, let's be
}               a little harder on the hard part.  Let's see, what would
}               be a good one . . . oh!  Of course!  This bottle of acid
}               you're using?
}       Bell:   [suspiciously]  Yes?
}       Satan:  You'll have to pour it on your pants.
}       Bell:   What?!
}       Satan:  Just think!  Power, money, and no competition for at least
}               100 years!  Think of all the opportunities!
}       Bell:   Oh, all right.  Hand me the damned bottle.
}
} This is only, of course, legend.
}
}                                       ---The Oracle [mcglk]


215-09    (58431 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is there IBM?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       It is not for mere mortals like yourself to question the reasons
} behind the existance of such entities as IBM.  Like God, Satan, and the
} Oracle, IBM exists because it has being.  There is no *reason* per se;
} at least, no reason that your finite mind will understand.  IBM is
} Eternal; without End, it is also without Beginning, and beyond
} Rationale.
}
}       Why else do you suppose so many mortals find themselves at IBM's
} beck and call?  This is a form of worship called 'Employment'.  Many
} beings seek this, but only a select few are bestowed this honor.  To
} better their chances, many would-be followers seek to increase their
} chances for Employment by attending and paying for training at places
} called 'Universities', where they learn how to better serve the Great
} IBM.  Universities are also among the Eternals.  Some worshipers seek
} Employment among the Lesser Eternals, hoping one day to be called forth
} by IBM into *true* Employment.
}
}       Of course, such an Entity as IBM would be meaningless without an
} Adversary.  As God has his Satan and Prince Charles his Lady Di, so IBM
} has its Great Nemesis:  DEC.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a fix for OS/2.


215-10    (33942 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of all immortals, could you please help me quit smoking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle Mortal,
}
}   Of *course* I'd be glad to give you suggestions to quit your nasty,
} but sublime habit.  Here are several suggestions which are guaranteed
} to work:
}
}   1) Quit tomorrow.  This method has worked many times for the last
} mortal who asked me this question.
}
}   2)  Redefine smoking.  This may only work for mathematicians.
}
}   3)  Cut off your head.  This is guaranteed to work for all mortals
} and for most immortals who have heads.
}
}   4)  Remove all oxygen from your environment.  This is guaranteed to
} work for mortals and immortals alike.
}
} You owe the oracle a box of fine Cuban cigars.


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