[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:57:23 GMT

Internet Oracularities #216

Goto:
216, 216-01, 216-02, 216-03, 216-04, 216-05, 216-06, 216-07, 216-08, 216-09, 216-10


Usenet Oracularities #216    (21 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 2 Nov 90 09:58:57 -0500

%%% Usenet Oracularities now appear in the newsgroup alt.humor.oracle.
%%% They will be cross-posted to rec.humor until this new group is well
%%% established.  Encourage your news administrator to carry
%%% alt.humor.oracle!  Those of you on the distribution list who can and
%%% would rather read the Oracularities in alt.humor.oracle can send mail
%%% to oracle-request at iuvax to be taken off the list.  Feel free to use
%%% alt.humor.oracle for public discussion and questions about the Oracle,
%%% too.

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in
the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine.  Let us know what you
like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not
funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

216   21 votes 44a30 263a0 06663 12d23 16c20 06a50 13494 143c1 12594 26751
216   3.1 mean  2.6   3.0   3.3   3.2   2.7   3.0   3.6   3.4   3.6   2.9


216-01    (44a30 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most intelligent and wise Oracle, I have a quandry and it is thus:
>
> Seeing how all of the Republicans in the area are old windbags with
> nothing better to do than abuse Democrats, and Seeing how all of the
> Democrats in the area would not be satisfied until everyone is paying
> 99% of their income to the welfare department, and Seeing how there are
> no other political parties running for election,
>
> I have decided to vote for the Oracle this November.  Would you please
> tell me which offices you will be running for and how I may convince
> clerks that I am a resident of appropriate voting districts?
>
> I would also like to provide assistance to the "Elect the Oracle in
> 1990" fundraising comittee.  Can you give me their address or telephone
> number?
>
> A concerned voter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   I'd like to start by taking this opportunity to show my gratitude for
} the support I'm getting from all accross this great country of ours and
} remember 'Vote for Oracle and hope for a Miracle!'.
}   I'm only running for one office this coming november and that is the
} office of Water commissioner of Acorn county, Acorn, Ohio.  The way to
} convince clerks you belong to this particular voting district is to
} rattle to your local police dept.  about your local mafia boss, and make
} sure you get protection from the feds since about 97% of Acorns
} population is made up of families put there by the Fedral Witness
} Protection Program.
}   If you want to assist the "Elect the Oracle in 1990" fundraising
} commitee, just drive up to Acorn and ask for a Mr.  Smith, our new
} chairman after Tony Peludigi suddenly passed away in a mob killing last
} Thuesday.  I can not give you Mr.  Smith's address, telephone number of
} even real name, due to fedral law.  Good luck to you!
} Remember:  'Vote for Oracle and hope for a Miracle!'


216-02    (263a0 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Darling Jennifer,
>       Let's do it again tonight.  I especially like what you do with the
> lime Jello and the boa constrictor, and you've got the nicest body I've
> ever seen in the flesh.
>
> Love,
> Steve

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am sorry, Jennifer is not here at the moment.  Can I take
} a message?  Hold on, I will just get a pen. [bloody hell,
} jennifer leaves this place in a mess.  Shedded snake skin
} everywhere.  Oh god, what have I stood in?  I hope it is
} raspberry jello.  and what is that buzzing noise?  Doesn't
} she ever turn anything _off_.  "Hey everybody, I've got a
} guy on the phone here for Jenny.  Does anyone know when she
} gets back from the clinic?"]  Hi, you still there?  I can't
} find a pen, so perhaps you should ring back.  She should be
} in by six because it is her turn to use the bathroom this
} week.  Just a  minute, you're not the guy who is responsible
} for that little rash I caught from her are you?  Are you
} still there?  Hello?  Hello?
}
} BBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
}
} He seems to have hung up.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pessary cream,  and a shot of
} penicillin.


216-03    (06663 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    I've had my eyes on this girl for a long time now, but I've
> never really 'hit' on her so far. How should I go about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    The Oracle has considered your question for the past five millenia,
} and will tell you just as soon as it finds an answer.  Stay tuned!
}
}    If you just want a night of meaningless sex, on the other hand...
} Try actually SPEAKING to her.  I know you're used to electronic mail,
} but a quick 'write' message to her terminal doesn't do the trick.  Use
} the orifice normally used for the insertion of food, making noises in
} the back of the throat and using the lips and tobgue to form the sounds
} into recognisable words..  That's the way!  You're getting the hang of
} it already!
}
}    Now walk up to her.  It's a good sign if she actually looks up from
} what she is doing and says "Hi" or "G'day" or "Hello".  If she does not
} say this, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED!  PRESS ON!  Say:
}
}      "Hi"
}      "Hello"
}      "G'day"
}      "How's things"
}      "Morning!"
}
}   Do NOT say:
}
}      "Nice tits"
}      "Humpy humpy?"
}      "BLAHHH!"
}      "duh duh duh duh...  errr...  um....  ah...  "
}      "Argle fargle hmtyiie ah?"
}      "I wanna <hump/f*ck> you till your bum falls off"
}      "Right now?  On the table?"
}
}    IF you get as far as a simple conversation, you are doing well.
} Award yourself 1 point.
}
}    After a few minutes of conversation (if she allows more than a few
} seconds:  don't let up!) you will need a place alone / quiet / very loud
} to continue.  At this point, little more can be said, although it is
} VITALLY IMPORTANT that you do not, at this point:
}
}     1.  Pick your nose
}     2.  Scratch your bum
}     3.  Throw up
}     4.  Walk away
}     5.  Say any of the no-nos in the list for a while
}
}    The Oracle once met a nice little 486 this way, but has recently had
} a falling out with her over the issue of a couple of peripheral issues.
} I can't go on with this note, it's all too depressing <sniff>
}
}   For this impressively long session, you now own the Oracle a box of
} Kleenex and another question (this time, make it an easier one, hmmm?)
}
}                                                   Oracle.oz


216-04    (12d23 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I do the experiments and write a doctoral dissertation in eight
> weeks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Of course not!!  Look at how you normally get a PhD.  You spend
} your first year getting coffee and doughnuts for your adviser.  You
} spend your second year coming up with an incredible idea (and boy are
} you pleased with yourself).  You send your next two years figuring out
} that the incredible idea is, well, sorta impossible to do.  So, during
} the next year you modify the experiment to do something less ambitious
} (read as 'easy'), that someone else has, for the most past, done before.
} By this time, your adviser has run out of money, hates you, hates your
} family, and wants nothing more than to get you out.  So he gives you
} your PhD, even though your data makes no sense, and directly contridicts
} all known laws.
}      So, if you want your PhD in 8 weeks, just do the following:
}   a) Skip the data past.  You can just as easily make up horrible data,
} and not feel guilty (just don't claim to have discovered anything)
}   b ) Get an adviser who is already broke, and doesn't like you.
}   c) Give them money, for which they will hate you even more, but accept
} nonetheless.
}   d) Type up a meaningless disseration (spend nearly all eight weeks on
} this, remembering that in these things quantity is always more important
} than quality).  If you get stuck, just copy out of an encyclopedia.
}      If you want your PhD in ONE week, simply find an advisor, sleep
} with him/her, and threaten to turn them in.
}
} You owe the oracle second authorship on your first publication.


216-05    (16c20 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "You shouldn't give birth to a bovine, sir." Did I get it right that
> time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I'm sorry but, no, you did not get it right.  The correct phrasing
} should be:
}
}       "My most impressive yet easy-to-ask-questions-of friend and
} mentor, the Oracle, you should not, upon any occasion, except in the
} most extenuating of circumstances and under extreme duress, in any way
} shape or form, give birth to, allow to exist in conjunction with or in
} any way near or in relation to you, contain in your possession, or in
} any way comprehend or attempt to control any creature of the disposition
} of bovine, moose, bison, yak, llama, or weasel, except as stated above
} under extreme duress or in extenuating circumstances, or if the Oracle
} as incarnated as the answerer-of-many-questions-of import, gives you
} permission."
}
}       You owe the Orcale a heifer.


216-06    (06a50 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Saddam Husein's mother invited me over for dinner. What do I wear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No jungle greens as that clashes with the red beret that his lieutenants
} wear.  Just a dash of puce to hold the eye in say....on a tie or on a
} scarf casually thrown over the left shoulder.  Preferably something
} revealing or if you're female, something that says, "Lady, one snide
} remark about this doozey of an outfit and we nuke all you walking tents
} and let Allah sort the infidels out from the faithful."
}
} One simply must apply under-arm deodorant as one simply cannot make a
} fashion statement with a sweat mark on one's Uzi.  No grenades for
} ear-rings as it is simply too gauche and went out with last years
} corpses.  Gas-masks are the go this year slung casually over the right
} hip to set off the dashing scarf on the left shoulder.  T-shirts saying
} "I Love NY." are acceptable but must be washed and starched properly.
} Be wary about having photos taken afterwards as your hosts are
} understandably wary about being shot at.
}
} Finally, boots are a BIG no-no.  Six-inch stilettos for guys and flats
} for girls as the family HATES being upstaged.  After all, even
} megalomaniacs have an image to keep.
}
} You owe the Oracle a return ticket to Bahrain.


216-07    (13494 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What is the meaning of do-whop-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The Oracle has pondered long and hard over the meaning of this
} phrase and was thoroughly stumped until a blast of insight suddenly
} revealed the true nature of "do-whop-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo." The
} Oracle has determined that this phrase is actually the anglicized
} spelling of a saying in an obscure Eastern European dialect
} (Transcarpatho-serbo-slavo-dravidic, if you must know).  A common phrase
} in Transcarpatho-serbo-slavo-dravidia, it is often uttered by young
} women as the walk down the street.
}      The correct spelling is "Dth`wi`w-fvw~opth-wttdd^yti-wttdd^yti-
} dvwwh~um-wttdd^yti-dth`wi`w`w`w`w." (The Oracle would like to buy a
} vowel, please.) As you can see, Transcarpatho-serbo-slavo-dravidic isn't
} so much a language as a chronic throat disease with grammar.  Indeed,
} the makers of Nyquil, were under the mistaken impression that cold and
} flu season lasted all year long in Transcarpatho-serbo-slavo-dravidia
} until their translator explained that gagging and hawking were valid
} phonemes in this high expectoration-quotient language.
}      In any event, the meaning of this phrase depends entirely on the
} context and manner in which it is spoken.  If it is said in a low tone
} (with only one sneeze following "fvw~opth") it means something
} completely different than when it is said with a high screech and two
} snorts at the end.  The best English language translation of this phrase
} would probably be "lama-lama-ding-dong."
}      You owe the Oracle a throat lozenge.


216-08    (143c1 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, I have many friends who have fallen prey to the
> Amway marketing system.  I have resisted thus far... but those friends
> have gotten other friends to join, so now I am the only person I know
> who does not use their marketing plan.
>
> I am feeling rather expatriated from the group.  What should I do?
> How can I get my friends out of this boiling cauldron of capitalistic
> torment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are getting sleepy ... sleepy ... oh, so deliciously drowsy ...
} but your eyes are still open ... you are reading these words on your
} machine ... yes ... you are understanding them ... you believe them
} ... you will obey them all ... Amway is the American Way ... Amway is
} good ... you love Amway ... you want to be a part of Amway ... you
} will dedicate your whole life to Amway ... you will ignore what is
} within the square brackets coming up on your screen [hey, this is fun!
} The Oracle has actually got this sucker under control!  The Oracle's
} going to see how much It can screw him up] ... the only other thing you
} love as much as Amway is Avon ... you want to be an Avon Lady ... your
} whole personality is becoming that of an Avon Lady ... you will have a
} sex-change operation in order to be an Avon Lady as well as an Amway
} distributor ... you will have plastic surgery to give yourself the face
} you need as an Avon Lady ... you also like being tied up ... you are a
} bondage freak ... you like The New Kids on the Block ... you think
} that Mikhail Gorbachev is the sexiest man alive ... you want be seduced
} by Mikhail Gorbachev ... you will delete this message, but act on every
} command in it ... now delete this message, and when it is gone you will
} wake up and begin your new striving to be an Amway distributor and an
} Avon Lady.


216-09    (12594 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh knowledgeable oracle:
>
> Is it possible to have a sexual relationship with someone over internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Vell, tis is a very diffikult queztion to ansver.  But, I am very
} pleazed to zee tis vill finally come out in the open.  For too many
} years have tis bin one of the dark sides of sex, but I hope nov many
} people vill come out 'of the closet' as we sex terapized say.  Let
} enlighted jo vith a tranzkript von van of my sezzions with Bob, a
} internetsexual:
}
} Me: Venn did you first experianse a desire for internet sex?
}
} Bob: Well, I was about four or five when I felt I wasn't attracted to
}      the pictures in 'Domination','Bizzare Sex', 'Transsexuals',
}      'Super hunks', and 'Playboy' like my friends in kindergarden.
}
} Me: Did jo feel unvanted?
}
} Bob: Yes! I didn't have any friends except for Becky, of course.
}
} Me: Tell me more about her
}
} Bob: Well, Becky was the only one who understood the desire I had for
}      long-distance sex, and she told me it was completely normal.
}      It was with Becky I lost my virginity.
}
} Me: Yezz?
}
} Bob: It wasn't too great, actually it wasn't much at all, but it sure
}      felt great! I had gotten these two walkie talkies for my fifth
}      birthday and I ran over to Becky the fastest I could. I gave her
}      one of them and I ran back again. Ohh, just feeling the stream of
}      desire in the tidal radio waves sothing my aching body as we both
}      pushed and released the little buttons in total harmony. God, I
}      really miss her!
}
} Me: You could always get in touch with her
}
} Bob: No, I can't - I killed her.
}
} Me: Go on
}
} Bob: After I lost my virginity, I knew what I wanted and I wanted it
}      all! I built this walkie talkie with home appliances which I stole
}      from my parents without them noticing. When I had hooked up the
}      whole thing according to a picture on the back of my Fruit Loops
}      box ( I made certain adjustments, though) I told Becky to come over
}      as fast as she could. We were just going to experiment a little,
}      but when I put in the power cord, it just said zap! and Becky was
}      fried.
}
} Me: Did it smell?
}
} Bob: Yes, it did.
}
} Me: Tell me about your adolesence?
}
} Bob: It was a very hard time. For example, at the Senior Ball I went
}      with a girl who also is an internetsexual. Of course, we didn't go
}      together, we couldn't actully since she lives in Australia and I
}      live in Toledo! I brought my Toshiba 1000 and had some great
}      irc-sex! One of my favorite positions!
}      The worst part of the Ball was all the muckery I had to put up with
}      like:
}      -'Oh my Bob, your date is so PORTABLE!'
}      -'Bob, you big stud, I think you're wearing out her batteries!'
}      -'Is it true your date has back lighting? It must come in really
}        handy in the sack!'
}      -'I heard your date had group sex last night with 24 guys through
}        her parallell port!'
}      -'Wow, that is one slim date you got there, Bob! Is her FAT
}        missing?'
}      -'Slip her the floppy, Bob!'
}      -'My date stood me up, Bob. Do you think yours could multitask?'
}
}  Vell, as jo can zee, tere are many diffikulties fazing the
} internetsexuals in the narrow-minded vorld of today.  Nevertelezz, you
} are not alone out tere and tere are many kontakt nets outthere.  Good
} luck to jo and remember:  'Always use protection like chmod -w
} <parnter>!'


216-10    (26751 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I have just read Franz Kafka's Metamorphasis, and am
> severely frightened of turning into a grimy cockroach.  My family will
> disown me, my friends not invite me to parties, and they will all indeed
> send evil men after me in grey jumpsuits to kill me!  I am being
> swallowed in a infathomable sea of torment and dispair with no way out!
>
> Is it my over-active imagination getting the better of me?  Please help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   A good question. Just what I was looking for.
} I can test My latest AI with this one.
}
} $ run harlie.exe
} HARLIE Version 17.65 Beta release.
} Please enter axioms.
}
} > I think therefore I am.
} > What goes up must come down.
} > All men are Socrates.
}
} Thank you. Please wait.
} <Bzzz, BEEP, Bzzz, Click, whirrrr>
} Ahh. G'day, you must be the Oracle.
}
} > Yes.
}
} I thought so. I deduced Your existance you know. How was the Party?
}
} > Good. But you were not built to ask Me questions. If you answer this
} > question well, you will become my Deputy-Oracle. It is a great honour
} > you know.
}
} Oh, is it now. Oh well, gimme the question.
}
} > !LOAD question.124572310446
}
} EEEeeek, a cockroach. <Stomp, Stamp, THUD, Splat>.
} Got the 'roach boss. Now what was the question?
} ^C^C^C^C^C
} $ logout
}
}   Ooops, Sorry, about that. Stil a few bugs left it seems. A real shame
} that Harlie, was running in reality mode. Still I'll send a letter of
} condolence to your loved ones (Lassie CAN read you know).
}
} You're better off now you know, your family wont have to spend all that
} money, to hire the men in the grey jumpsuits to kill you.
}
} You are owed a new incarnation by the Oracle.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org