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Internet Oracularities #217

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217, 217-01, 217-02, 217-03, 217-04, 217-05, 217-06, 217-07, 217-08, 217-09, 217-10


Usenet Oracularities #217    (24 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 3 Nov 90 11:58:36 -0500

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217   24 votes 54951 27843 17853 56742 33b61 04695 55b30 38751 55842 15a53
217   2.9 mean  2.7   3.0   3.1   2.7   3.0   3.6   2.5   2.7   2.7   3.2


217-01    (54951 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did my girlfriend leave me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has pondered deeply upon your question.
}
} We have determined that girlfriends do not fall under the restrictions
} of quantum physics and are thus completely unpredictable, save of course
} by the use of an improbability generator.
}
} The most probable cause of your girlfriend leaving,
} probability = .203451, is a declining interest in either:
}                      the color of hair on your left forearm,
}                      the curl of your eyelashes,
}                      Earl Grey tea,
}                      the size of your right big toe,
}                      Pufters,
}                      the non-relevance of the Beatles
}                        ("Music is irrelevant.  Resistance is futile."),
}                      the lack of cool dark shades,
}                   or the price of Limburger cheese.
}
} The next runner-up, with a probability of .054927, is the opening of a
} Klein-bottle shaped rift in the spacetime continuum within 7.3 coulombs/
} second of her body while she was thinking of kumquats.
}
} As payment, you owe the Oracle:  1 hot cup of tea, 1 Beatles album (tape
} or CD), 5 tons of flax.  Thank you.


217-02    (27843 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Wise and Omniscient Oracle,
>
> I've met the only girl in this whole world who is pure and good and
> right.  However, she only wants to be wedded if I offer her a Ferrari
> Testa Rossa as a wedding gift.  How will I ever accomplish this with my
> humble salary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This problem is quite common in society today. However, a number of
} solutions have been devised by persons experienced in this
} particular field of social frustration. Some of the more efficient ones
} are:
}
}      1. STEAL ONE!
}         Then rob a few banks, kill some innocent bystanders,
}         and you'll get a "Bonnie & Clyde"-style honeymoon as
}         a free-bie.
}
}      2. MAKE ONE!
}         If you're the least bit handy, you can do it in an
}         afternoon or two. No expensive material is needed,
}         just some silly putty, some papier-mache', and some
}         red paint. After all, that's what Ferraris are made
}         of! Really!
}
}      3. GIVE HER YOUR OLD VOLKSWAGEN!
}         And tell her "It's their latest model! It IS! Honest!
}         The GNP of Italy isn't what it used to be, you know.""
}
}      4. BUY HER A CORGI TOY FERRARI!
}         "Oh, you wanted a REAL Ferrari! Why didn't you say so in
}         the first place? But this one will do, won't it? Please?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a Wunderbaum and a pair of sub-woofers.


217-03    (17853 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Knower of all that is true, please tell me why I am being cursed by
> ONUN OLAVRAC.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid you have the spelling incorrect.  His proper name is Hunan
} Olive-rack, famous oriental chef.  His specialty is Broccoli with Beef
} at Benihana.  Unfortunately, when you sat at his table, he overheard you
} saying, "This shit never fills me up..  I'm always hungry two hours
} later." He's been pissed at you ever since.
}
} He will only stop harassing you if you try his super hot Shrimp in
} Lobster Sauce.  A fine delicacy around here.
}
} One last note from the Oracle:  Fortune cookies are much more humorous
} if you add '...in bed.' to the end of the messages found inside.  For
} example 'You will achieve great conquests.' or 'Close friends will soon
} wish their debts repaid.' Stuff like that.  And tell my friend Hunan
} that I said 'Hi.'
}
} You now owe the Oracle a $3.25 lunch plate.


217-04    (56742 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise Oracle, what does it mean that i am having nightmares about
> killing my family?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Jason, what it means is that you have at long last found you life
} calling.  Good luck and see you in the papers.
}
} The Oracle requires proof before advisement.


217-05    (33b61 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently I had the following encounter:
> I was sitting on my own at a table in the `Nachtcafe',
> trying to make the hours till the morning pass.
> It is hard, but I get there in the end.
> At the table next to mine two women were sitting.
> They didn't ever talk to me in the hours I sat there,
> however much I'd have enjoyed the boredom-relief.
> But then, as I packed my stuff and got ready to leave
> one of them waved to me and said:
> `I want you to know that I'm very sorry that you have to leave already'
>
> If she had said: `Great you're going' or `Could you stand on your head
> for a minute' or even `I want you to fuck me', that'd have made sense.
>
> Oracle In The Landlocked Country: What should I have done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, what are you doing at an artsy place like the 'Nachtcafe'?
} There's only weird chicks at that place anyway.  But to answer your
} question...
}
} When dealing with the fairer sex, on must be careful.  You may not be
} aware of this, but women speak a private language different than
} ordinary people, cleverly disguised as common English speech.  To be
} quite honest, what she said to you was (rough translation, only..)
}
} - 'I want you to know that I'm very sorry that you have to leave
}    already.'
}
} which translates to:
}
} - "Great you're leaving/going, but first/now could you stand on your
}    head/proboscis and fuck me, boffo, you feral wildebeest/coyote."
}
} Where [ ... I'm very sorry ... ] translates to [ ... fuck me ... ]
}
} Artsy chicks.  Don't trust 'em.  You did the right thing by leaving,
} dumbfounded.
}
} You now owe the Oracle a movie-pass to see a David Lynch film.


217-06    (04695 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do you steal a 925 porche?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's omnipotent word algorithms conclude there is 95% certainty
} your ambiguously worded question should read:
}
} "How do you steal a 9 X 25 porch"
}
} Your Old English spelling "porche" would indicate a Victorian home,
} which is trickier for thievery as the porches are more securely
} attached.
}
} Nonetheless, the basic steps are as follows:
}
} 1) Insure that the owners of the porch and home are indisposed and will
} not be alarmed or disturbed by the noise of your operation.
} 2) Using an industrial-strentgh saw, remove the wood of the porch both
} from the foundation of the house and from the house itself, being
} careful to disconnect any plumbing or electrical connections before
} cutting through them.
} 3)  Move the porch in question to the desired location.
}
} The Oracle also notes a 5% chance that your question should read "How do
} you steal a Porsche 925", in which case the Oracle refers you to its
} well-known and heavily-publicized treatise, "How to get away with
} assassinating the Vice Principal." Simply substitute "car alarm" for
} "ancient school security" and "transmission lock" for "scrawny little
} neck."
}
} The Oracle requires a set of locksmith tools in payment.


217-07    (55b30 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are catholic girls very hard to stay with
>
> HELP

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer becomes obvious to even small mammals (trust me, I
} just asked one) when the question is rephrased as "why are
} Catholic girls so fast?".  If you've ever known the rigorous
} training schedule Catholic girls go through, you too would know
} the answer to the question.
}
} It's been rumored that the training involves literally *thousands*
} of genuflections in forty pound packs before breakfast.  Follow
} that up with a challenging "stations of the cross" marathon
} and then carbo-load on a parish potluck, and you'll see the
} result in fast Catholic girls.
}
} The Oracle recommends extra wind sprints and better shoes.


217-08    (38751 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I asked if a 64K Z-80 based personal computer had Buddha-nature.
>
> I have thought long and hard upon your answer, but my mind is full of
> new questions.
>
> Does Forth have Buddha-nature?
>
> Does a 640K 8088 based personal computer have Buddha-nature?
>
> What's a good options position to hold on Flax?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buddha-nature, shmoodha-nature.  You only get one 'buddha-nature'
} request per person, bud.  But, being the nice guy I am, I'll direct you
} to a good source for such things.
}
} You could check out the book "One Thousand House-hold Objects that Have
} buddha nature" by Mu.  If what you seek is not in there, you may have to
} find out for yourself.  This may involve getting in closer contact with
} yourself.  The Oracle recommends Spiritualist
} Baba-Fred-De-nan-De-nanda's book, "Ten Easy Ways to Enlightenment," or
} Aber-Tal-Gouda's fine book, "Where can I get a good meatball sub so I
} can contemplate the Universe," or even Zorba the Buddha's fine work,
} "Lint:  Navel Decoration of Key to Life?" Be warned, however, that
} failing to use such potent works properly could send you into a deep
} existentialist funk that would last the rest of your days and make you
} just no fun to be around.  (Heck, ask good ol' J.  P.  Sartre about this
} one.  Or better yet, ask his friends.)
}
} Flax?  The Oracle prefers those snazzy synthetic fibers that most
} mortals can't pronounce.
}
} You the Oracle a copy of "I'll Fight You With The Sound Of One Hand
} Clapping Tied Behind My Back" by Millard Snotkin.


217-09    (55842 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   I am tired of my cat. Do you know any good ways to kill it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your problem. The Oracle hates fur everywhere.
} It gets up the Oracle's nose and give it asthma, hayfever and a strong
} desire to kill any nearby cats. So, here are a few suggestions:
}
} If you want to take the classical approach you may try:
}
}     - microwaving your cat. This is popular with all the family,
}       because you can stop the microwave to get tea for the kids,
}       and leave the rest in the microwave to watch it turn black. :)
}
}     - you can drown your cat. This is good, because its cheap, and
}       because you get to finally get to be able to feel a superior
}       swimmer even though you lost every race at school.
}
}     - you can poison your cat. You finally get a chance to play
}       with all those chemicals you learnt about in high school.
}       Indulge all your mad scientist fantasies.
}
}     - you may like to try swinging it by its tail in your bathroom.
}       Make a take recording, because you'll get some really great
}       sound effects for your next party. Actually, its probably
}       better to do it in someone else's bathroom.
}
}     - Tie the tail of your cat to a rope. Tie the rope to the back
}       of your car. Go for a drive in the country. Very satisfying.
}
} If you want something a little bit more imaginative, the Oracle
} suggests :
}
}     - Spray painting your cat in the colours of your lounge room.
}       It will look lovely on the mantelpiece. Trust me.
}
}     - Give it to your weird neighbours as a Christmas present. :)
}
}     - If you're feeling a little depressed, you can try choking it.
}       And you can go to heaven together.
}
} The Oracle requests some hayfever tablets.


217-10    (15a53 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Classic Question : Why are Macintosh Users so dumb (in general)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has considered your question, and has accessed a couple of
} Macintoshes to get their opinions - after all, they should know,
} shouldn't they?
}
} Oracle : Good afternoon Macintosh computer.  How are you?
}
} Mac: G'day Oracle!  How's life?  I'm just brimming with ideas for
}     applications that I KNOW you are going to like!  Whahoo! Let's start
}     one now!
}
} Oracle: I'm sorry, I have no time.  I wish to know...
}
} Mac : Nah, don't ask me anything, let me TELL you what you need.  You
}      want to know about my users, right? right? RIGHT?  Okay.  They're
}      stupid. REAL stupid.  I have to tell them everything.  Even if they
}      know what's happening, I tell them anyway.  Eventually, even the
}      halfway smart ones start to shift their brains into neutral and
}      just go with the flow.
}
} Oracle : but....
}
} Mac : What?  You want to ask a question? NO problem.  What is it?
}
} Orcale : I...
}
} Mac : Don't be shy!  Just xfer those characters down, and I'll handle
}      it.
}
} Oracle : Shut up for a moment.  Are you saying that Mac users BECOME
}         stupid because they suffer from mis-use of the brain?
}
} Mac : In so many words (and I just WISH I could say it in pictures) yes.
}
}
}      In return for this valuable second-hand information, the Oracle
} requests a replacement CPU.  Please.  And one of those 486 things.


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