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26 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:50:21 GMT

Internet Oracularities #218

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218, 218-01, 218-02, 218-03, 218-04, 218-05, 218-06, 218-07, 218-08, 218-09, 218-10


Usenet Oracularities #218    (25 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 5 Nov 90 14:35:13 -0500

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218   25 votes 77650 37b40 58282 75a21 74752 34657 37a50 19951 b2732 05785
218   2.8 mean  2.4   2.6   2.8   2.4   2.6   3.4   2.7   2.8   2.3   3.5


218-01    (77650 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is a fun place to go for summer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    I found that a nice place to visit is the Horsehead nebula.  It's
} only a few Megazorks away and you can look under Orion's belt along the
} way if you're into that kind of thing.
}
} You owe the oracle a Spaceman Spiff uniform and a box of
} Chocolate-frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs.


218-02    (37b40 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please O great Oracle please explain to me why all of my projects and
> test are always within a week of each other, this extends to having two
> final exams on the same day at the same time (but on campuses 7km
> apart)!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is mainly due to the wave property of Pain and Suffering.  I seems
} that Pain and Suffering travels as a very slow (lingering) wave front.
}
} This wave normally takes about a week to travel from one of your
} campuses to the other.  Now it may appear that having your finals on the
} same day breaks this model, but in actuality, the peaks will hit you 1
} week apart.
}
} You will know you failed the first exam immediately after it is over,
} while you will think you did ok on the second exam, until you find out
} you failed 1 week later.
}
} The Oracle suggests you watch TV game shows instead of studying.  The
} resultant personal pain and suffering you experience may set up enough
} of an interference pattern with the universal Pain and Suffering wave to
} allow you to pass your exams.


218-03    (58282 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are females so stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's all in the way
} You look and see
} The women you know
} Are not dopey.
}
} They're smarter then you
} They can run very fast
} They can bench-press a car
} They will leave you aghast.
}
} The more that you think
} That women are stupid
} The more that you find
} That they think you putrid.
}
} So go right ahead
} And think what you think
} When you tried to get laid
} You will only get dink.


218-04    (75a21 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: <rhalonen@NMSU.Edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  I suffer from terminal flatulance. Reasearch has not come up with
>  a cure after spending tens of dollars in experimentation that the
>  animal rights groups have managed to halt. Is there no hope?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is always hope. Never give up the ship, 'cause loose lips sink
} ships.
} But, back to your problem. I have never observed terminal flatulence.
} Have you been feeding your Wyse (or is it a high-res workstation) a
} steady diet of beans? They run better on electricity, you know.
} I once poured a can of Coke into my terminal, but that just caused
} a bunch of sparks and made all my assignments late. Another time
} some Twinky filling dropped into my keyboard and my space bar kept
} sticking.
} I suggest you refrain from stuffing burritos into the monitor until
} the problem goes away.
}
} You owe the Oracle one pepperoni pizza.


218-05    (74752 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, is what follows a good poetic interlude of love?  I want to send
> it to a girl I like.  Should I?
> Road Kill  (220821)
>
> I am an insect.
> Towards lights, I once flew from afield.
> Now I'll be washed from a car's windshield.
> I am a road kill.
>
> I am a frog.
> From ditch to ditch, I used to always hop.
> Til a farm truck hit me, loaded with crop.
> I am a road kill.
>
> I am a snake.
> On a warm road, I once liked to lay.
> I was hit and ants took me away.
> I am a road kill.
>
> I am a raccoon.
> In light beams, my eyes used to shine.
> Now I lie near the dotted line.
> I am a road kill.
>
> I am a skunk.
> Very slowly, I used to slink.
> Upon rotting, I'll be twice the stink.
> I am a road kill.
>
> I am a pet.
> That the road's dangerous, I can't have known.
> Now I'm a sail pet, waiting to be thrown.
> I am a road kill.
>
> I am a deer.
> To mate, I needed to travel far.
> My head's mounted; he bought a new car.
> I am a road kill.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course!


218-06    (34657 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle tickets to a Marcel Marceau performance.


218-07    (37a50 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a question O great and wonderful, magnanimous oracle.  One of my
> friends has described a friend of hers as `he kisses like a dead fish`.
> How did dead fish become the standard for bad kissing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, the Oracle does not approve of standards.  He has seen
} C*B*L standards and FORTRASH standards and they were a great impediment
} to the creativity of the Mighty Oracle.  Similarly, the Oracle believes
} it would be a wonderful idea to have more creative terms for bad
} kissers.  "He kisses like a blue and green striped, cross-eyed pig thats
} just eaten garlic pizza."
}
} Dead fish are generally bad for your health.  They smell bad too.  Guys
} are very like this sometimes, especially the ones who kiss like worms on
} steroids.
}
} Then again, He might have been kissing another friend of his before
} kissing her.
}
} Only 2 things taste like dead fish, and only one of them is dead
} fish.....


218-08    (19951 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you still in operation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, the Oracle had the Operation some months back, followed by extensive
} plastic surgery that has given Her (oh, the Oracle _loves_ seeing that
} pronoun referring to Her new gender!) a truly stunning pair of knockers
} and shorter legs and wide hips and the face of the young Marlene
} Dietrich.  All of these operations are long past, and the scars hardly
} show, and you'd never guess that the Oracle wasn't born a woman.
}
} Actually, all of the above is a lie -- but the Oracle really had you
} going for a minute there, really had you aroused, you pervert.  Can't be
} excited by real women any more, eh?  Heh heh heh.


218-09    (b2732 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. <jim@oasis.icl.stc.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise and almighty oracle
> could you please tell me
> what this thing growing on my hand is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The oracle can see
}       but you can not
}       the "thing" on your hand
}       is your very own snot.
}
}       Spawned at a time when
}       sick you last were
}       if you let it grow longer
}       you might get some fur.
}
}       But go with a torch
}       and burn the thing off
}       better with just a stump
}       than an arm full of rot.


218-10    (05785 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?
> Why do people have names?
> Help! I need to find myself!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1)  What is the meaning of life?
}
} This question has been referred to the local daemon, deepthought.
} Please expect an answer in...  in...  oh dear.  Please don't expect an
} answer for a while.
}
} 2)  Why do people have names?
}
} So that other people will have something to forget about them, of
} course.
}
} 3)  Help!  I need to find myself!
}
}       *                         +                                 .
}                     +                             '
}            o                                               *
}                                           +
}  .                             o                                '
}                 +                                     .
}      .     *
}                        .  <<-- You are one of billions of people who
}     +             *            all live right here.        +
}         ,                                 *                  '
}                   .               +                   o
}     *                    o
}                                                 .               +
}
} You owe the Oracle a map of Greenland.


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