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Internet Oracularities #219

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Usenet Oracularities #219    (21 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 6 Nov 90 12:18:12 -0500

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219   21 votes 47370 26643 053a3 26562 14844 56442 47352 17742 26652 12684
219   3.0 mean  2.6   3.0   3.5   3.0   3.3   2.6   2.7   3.0   3.0   3.6


219-01    (47370 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle:
>
> } you owe the Oracle an operating system that makes coffee in the
> } morning.
>
> This sounds like RSX-11/M, which has code in the sysgen to determine
> whether to make Tea or Coffee. Will that do? I have an RL02K-DC right
> here. I've never been able to enable that option myself, but perhaps
> you'll have better luck.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LUCK?  You're talkin' to the Oracle, bud.
} Luck is for people who can't handle FATE.
}
} But that's besides the point.
}
} Of course I am familiar with the RSX-11/M.  That system was, in fact,
} developed right here at OracSoft by our proto-oracular programmers.
} However, the bugs were just too numerous to put it out on the market.
} For example, the front-end natural language analysis package never was
} up to specs so rather than being able to ask for "hot Earl Grey tea"
} like any normal hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional being would, one had
} to use reverse-polish english and ask for "tea, Earl Grey, hot".
} Similary, try to remember to ask for "coffee, strong, columbian,
} Foldger's, hot, black" early in the morning.
}
} Then, of course, the connotative translation expert system didn't have
} the depth needed.  More often than not the system would produce a poor
} fellow named T.  Earl Grey in a condition that was less than appetizing.
}
} That's why the option cannot be enabled by mere mortals.  Just think
} what might happen if they asked for some "hot Sleeptytime" or "jugs o'
} Java".
}
} So for those reasons, the RL02K-DC was never publicly distributed.  In
} fact, no one confined to 4-dimensional space-time should even know if
} its existence...  I don't know how you got your hands on one.
}
} Well, well, well.  Looks like you finally blew your cover.
}
} If you had been reading alt.conspiracy (rather than posting to
} alt.tasteless and downloading those, shall we say, unusual files from
} alt.sex.pictures) you might have seen this coming.  But then, being the
} Oracle, I knew you wouldn't.  All we needed was one careless slip.
} That's why I made that seemingly innocent request to your previous
} question.  Well, I'm sure it's all painfully obvious to you now.  You
} might as well come along and make it all easier on all of us.  You won't
} be enabling anything for a long time, kiddo.  Now, logout, grab your
} Pepsi and Cheetos, go over to the door and let us in so we don't have to
} make a scene...
}
}
} The Oracle owes you the right to remain silent.  But it won't matter
} anyway.  I *am* the Oracle after all.


219-02    (26643 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are men and women topologically equivalent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Satyrs and geometers have pondered this question for centuries, dear
} quester.
}
} Topology ("Geometry on Rubber Sheets") defines the topological
} equivalence of two bodies such that sufficient stetching and twisting
} and contorting of one can change it into the other.
}
} The amazing fact is that men and women in fact ARE topologically
} equivalent!
}
} Martini Gardenier, famed french transsexual, and noted topology and
} bottomology expert, proposes the following bold proof by experiment is
} his _Priapistic_American_ column, *Pathological Dames*:
}
}       A model on rubber is very difficult to transform because the
}       rubber has to be stretched so radically.  But it is easily
}       done with a model on cloth.  Fold a square piece of cloth
}       in half around a female model and sew opposite ends together
}       to make a tube.  Now fold the cloth the other way and sew
}       the opposite ends together to make a whorus.  For ease in
}       transforming, make sure the "hole" is vertical at the
}       outer layer of cloth.
}
}       Changing the sex of the model via the slotted hole is easy.
}       After the reversal, the whorus has the same shape as before,
}       except now the "slot" has become a "protrusion" and has
}       turned from "vertical" to "horizontal".
}
}       It is not easy to visualize exactly how the whorus is
}       distorted during the transformation process.  A series
}       of drawings, showing all stages of the reversal, can be
}       found in "Topology, Geometry, Rubber Sheets, and You",
}       by Alberta Tuckin and Hisbert Baley in _Priapistic_American_,
}       January, 1950.
}
}       There are many other whorus paradoxes.  For example, if a
}       whorus without a hole is linked to a whorus with a hole,
}       can the one with the hole "swallow" the other whorus so
}       that it is completely inside?  The answer is yes, and you
}       will see how it is done if you consult my _P._A._ columns
}       of December 1972 (on knotted whoruses and tied tubes).
}
} THE ORACLE HAS SPOKEN.........NEXT!


219-03    (053a3 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Please, oh saucy and juicy one, tell me how to stop the Persian
> Gulf crisis in less than three hours, with a hammer, a dead cat, and a
> bowl of week old butter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tough.  But it is possible.
}
} 1)  First, you have to scare the Iraqis.  Take the hammer, the dead cat,
}     and bowl with you into Kuwait City.  Smear some of the butter on the
}     cat, save the rest.  At each spot, put a little butter on the ground
}     and hide, with the cat out in the open.  When a soldier comes by,
}     pound the cat a little with the hammer to make it look semi-alive,
}     but _don't be seen_.
}
}     (I told you it was tough.)
}
} 2)  The Iraqi soldier wil start at the sight of the moving dead cat, and
}     a 'mystical force' (the butter on the ground) will cause him to slip
}     and fall.  At this point, push the cat a little as if advancing on
}     him. He should gather himself together and run off.
}
} 3)  After several hundred applications of this technique, the Iraqis
}     will believe that Kuwait City is haunted by the living dead cats.
}     They will grow frightened and pull out, disobeying the commands of
}     their leaders.
}
} 4)  Without Kuwait City being a problem anymore, the Persain Gulf crisis
}     will ease off, the Kuwaitis can return, the Lama can return to
}     Tibet, and the DoD can cry because they didn't get to kill anyone.
}
} 5)  Note:  If you fail in Step 3 to frighten the Iraqis sufficiently,
}     forget the cat.  Forget the rancid butter.  Take the hammer and
}     devise guerilla tactics.  Unfortunately, this method will take
}     longer than three hours, and cannot be favorably considered.
}
} You owe the Oracle 5 minutes of world peace.


219-04    (26562 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Oz

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the origin of the expression "It's on the tip of my tongue"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um ... um .... hang on a minute, I'll get it ... Shit, I can almost
} remember.  What does it sound like?  No wait, it'll only take a minute,
} just let me get my head together.... just hang on a second.... this is
} so frustrating ....


219-05    (14844 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where's my gerbil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Which gerbil?  The small, brownish one with the nick in the left
} ear and three slightly damp pumpkin seeds in its right cheek
} pouch and strap marks beneath its forelegs from the parachute you
} strapped it into?  After the unexpected updraft caught it and
} carried it away, saving it from certain death on the crowded
} expressway you thought it was headed for, it flew through an open
} window and into a world beyond its most feverish imaginings,
} where it is now a partner in an exclusive brokerage firm,
} outperforming several of its more senior colleagues and making
} rafts of money for all of its clients, although you shouldn't
} expect it to be too courteous towards your portfolio when it
} discovers it's carrying it.


219-06    (56442 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Does existence really precede essence, or is it the other way around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The imitation scents smell just the same as the name brands to me.


219-07    (47352 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dee^H^Har   Great && Nughty Ori^H^U^[Bacle.. [dammm^H^[Dit] ^[Hell!
> Wha
> t t^Hermiii^H^H^[C^[Dnal type should I o^Huse..??
>
> Frustrated^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HBored.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear frustated,
}       The Oracle has pondered your question for many seconds,
}  and has written a quick program that even now as you read this
} message is wormholing its way into your terminal and rebinding
}  every key to backspace. Your problem is solved.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a sincere thank you.
} :)


219-08    (17742 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do the citizens of the US
>       1. Drive on the wrong side of the road.
>       2. spell colour wrong.
>       3. put the date in silly formats.
>       4. Normally wear silly hats.
>       5. like silly people, ie Bush .....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O, but woe is for humanity if they keep this culturocentric attitude!
} It will be their doom.
}
} Nevertheless, I will deign to answer your petty questions while
} overlooking how very much relatively based they are.  Mind you, you're
} getting five at a time here so the cost will be high.  Expect it.
}
} 1) Americans tend to (not always, mind you --- they have their own
} share of incompetent drivers or those who can see when it is safe not
} to obey the law) drive toward the right hand side of the road because
} of a little known accident involving Henry Ford.  When most of the
} original automobiles in the states still had steering wheels in the
} center, he had an unfortunate run in with a large rock which ended up
} rupturing the front right tyre of Henry's vehicle.  Undaunted, but
} most importantly needing to get home because if he was late for dinner
} again his wife would have killed him, he hung off far to the left side
} of his car.  As he had to pass various ice lorries and other
} obstructions he discovered how much easier it was to see around other
} objects now that he was to one side.  When he made new cars they
} followed the same pattern he experienced that fateful day and
} naturally America's two lane highways evolved into the keep right /
} pass left system.  Explaining why the British chose the other side of
} the road, it was because of their natural knee jerk reaction to
} anything the Americans do.  They of course had to switch it the other
} way around.  Sort of like UK domain addresses.
}
} 2) The same knee jerk reaction.  Apparently the British saw the
} addition of the letter 'u' to many English words as a positive form of
} linguistic evolution.  The Americans were just sticking with the
} status quo in which many of these words never had a 'u' before Middle
} English or even before Modern English in the newly mutated British
} version.
}
} 3) Because they like to make easy sorting of things more difficult.
} Fools.  There really aren't any other points in favour of either form
} except as relates to collation though.
}
} 4) The Oracle wishes to engage the Socratic method with you.  Why
} makes a hat silly?  Do you have a problem with caps or with cowboy
} hats?  Or is some other "American" form of headwear?  Why do the
} French wear berets?  Why did some military people wear triangular
} hats?  And how about that thing Napolean wore?  Why do Arabs wear
} silly hats, even when not in the Middle East?  Who ever came up with
} the cone that St Nick dons?  The Oracle is inclined to believe that
} unless you have a functional reason for wearing a hat, other than
} accessorising your wardrobe, then wearing a hat is stupid anyway.
} Fedoras and Bowlers included.  The Oracle is similarly inclined to
} believe that in general whimsy "style" and "fashion" changes are
} baloney too, used in the Western world primarily as a way to make lots
} of new revenue every season and to further dissect the population into
} groups, namely "those who are slaves to fashion stupidity and can
} afford to be" and "the rest of the slime of the earth".  Silly,
} really.
}
} 5) Silly people are liked for many reasons.  Most significant probably
} is simple entertainment.  It also helps boost egos to sit and think
} that you are better than the silly person you are watching.  Of
} course, you must realise that the British are no exception to this; it
} is not a quality exclusive to Americans.  The British pump gobs and
} gobs of pounds every year in to the Royal machinery, existing for no
} purpose but to a) entertain, b) act stupid and c) beget more royal
} people for the country to spend money on to do a and b.  Of course, a
} and b are so simple for them to do and one mustn't mistake the fact
} that although they entertain they are _not_ entertainers.  Silly, yes?
}
} You owe the Oracle two Sterlings and a new Triumph, a typeset board
} full of extra 'u's, a month full of dates with page three girls, a
} trip to the habbedashery and a sitting of tea and crumpets with the
} Queen.


219-09    (26652 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would like to know of an ingenious way to
> make a quick buck. Any suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle regrets that your question cannot be answered as
} definitively as is the Oracle's custom, because the Oracle's
} domain is largely a spiritual one, far removed from worldly
} concerns and the money attendant upon them.
}
} However, the Oracle does have a large stock of cheap detective
} fiction on hand, for reading between questions, and it is
} possible to glean from these a few ideas, although it has been
} quite some time since the Oracle has been required to engage in
} any serious graft or second-story work, and thus no advice gan be
} given concerning the modern applicability of any of these
} methods.
}
} The Oracle has always thought that a nifty way to appropriate
} large sums of money would be to locate a bank under construction,
} and fill the forms 9/10 full of styrofoam the night before the
} concrete is poured for the vault.  This would make tunneling in
} later a relatively simple proposition.  Oh dear, you said you
} wanted a "quick buck."
}
} Have you tried running a small classified ad reading "All
} taxpayers are reminded to send their $5.00 filing fee to the
} Office of Official Expediting, P.O. Box 297, Manhasset, NJ,
} 01243"?  Or taping an "out of order" sign over a night depository
} slot one evening, and leaving a milk crate underneath?  Or
} learning how to play three-card Monte?
}
} You could always set yourself in a position of apparent but
} meaningless authority and charge exorbitant fees for dispensing
} worthless answers and advice.
}
} The Oracle awaits your wire transfer of $57.28 for its services.


219-10    (12684 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh, most knowelegeable oracle, I beseach you:  how can I solve a
> non-linear differential equation??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Algorithm A:
}
}   [1] Take a bottle of tequila or a baggie of your favorite blend.
}
}   [2] Pour a shot / roll a number.
}
}   [3] Make the proper introductions:
}
}       "Shot/number this is mouth, mouth, this is shot/number."
}
}   [4] Apply shot/number.
}
}   [5] (Iterate) Repeat [4] as necessary.
}
}
} Very soon you will realize that solving virtually any kind of equation
} is trivial, and in fact, rather boring.  Later in the process, you
} will realize that the solution of practically any problem will reveal
} itself nearly instantaneously.  This latter mode is most effective in
} groups (i.e. your friends or house-mates).
}
} Contraindicted: in the presence of a member of the appropriate sex.
}
}
} Algorithm B:
}
}   [1] Find a mathmo of the appropriate sex.
}
}   [2] Arrange a date (for some, this is the hardest part).
}
}   [3] At an opportune moment, say:
}
}           You:        "You have wonderful eyes."
}
}           Mathmo:     <does something appropriately nerdy, such as
}                        blush>
}
}           You:        "How do I solve this non-linear differential
}                        equation?"
}
}           Mathmo (much relieved):
}                       "Oh, you just..."
}
}   [4] Write down the solution.
}
}
} Failing a mathmo, or the courage to ask for a date, alternative
} techniques include:
}
}     o Talk-radio.  "We're on the air, with a question from one of
}       our listeners, 'How do you solve a non-linear differential
}       equation?'  Yes, caller number one, go ahead."
}
}       "Oh, you just..."
}
}     o Blackmail.  For this, you still need a mathmo, but you need not
}       limit yourself to the problem of solving non-linear differential
}       equations (e.g. you can ask for money or sex, which in the
}       Oracle's humble opinion are worth virtually any number of
}       diffy-Qs).
}
}     o Legislation.


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